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when it is not one time in twenty that we know Ser. They are led on by Sligo : They demand it ourselves ?--Proceed we now to the lecture! instant entrance, and threaten to storin, [They all rise, and come forward to the table.] Hel. Doctors Calomel and Camphire, our Brethren and students, I am going to open to two aid-de-camps, survey their present posture, you some notable discoveries that I have made, and report it to us. respecting the source, or primary cause, of all [Without.] Huzza! distempers incidental to the human machine : Hel. Bid old Jollup be ready to unmask the And these, brethren, I attribute to certain ani- engine at the word of command. malculæ, or piscatory entities, that insinuate
Enter CAMPHIRE, themselves through the pores into the blood, and, in that fluid, sport, toss, and tumble about, like Now, Dr. Camphire? mackarel or cod-fish in the great deep : And, to Cam. The sledge hammers are come, and they convince you that this is not a mere gratis dictum, prepare to better in breach. an hypothesis only, I will give you demonstrative Hel. Let the engine be played off at the very proof. Bring hither the microscope !
[Without.] Huzza! Enter a Sertant with a miscroscope.
Cal. The first fire has demolished Dr. Finger
fee's foretop: were drawn from a subject afflicted with the
Hel. That's well. jaundice.-Well, what d'ye see!
[Erit Cal. Last. Some little creatures like yellow flies,
Enter CAMPHIRE. that are bopping and skipping about. Hel. Right. Those yellow Aies give the tinge
Now, doctor? to the skin, and undoubtedly cause the disease :
Cam. The second fire has dropt the stiff hucAnd now for the cure! I administer to every pa
kles of Dr. Osasafras. tient the two-and-fiftieth part of a scruple of the
Hel. Better and better! (Exit CanPHIRE. ovaria or eggs of the spider; these are thrown
Enter CalomEL. by the digestive powers into the secretory, there separated from the alimentary, and then preci
Now, doctor? pitated into the circulatory ; where, finding a
Cal. Both the knots of Dr. Anodoyne's tye are
dissolved. proper nidus or nest, they quit their torpid state,
Hel. Best of all ! and vivity, and upon vivification, discerning the
[Exit Calomel. Aies, their natural food, they immediately fall
Enter CAMPHIRE. foul of them, extirpate the race out of the blood, and restore the patient to health.
Now, doctor ? Last. And what becomes of the spiders?
Cal. As Dr. Sligo, with open mouth, drove fuHel. Oh, they die, you know, for want of nu
riously on, he received a full stream in his teeth, trition. Then I send the patient down to Bright- and is retired from the field dropping wet. helmston; and a couple of dips in the salt water
Hel. Then the day's our own! washes the cobwebs entirely out of the blood.-
[Exit CAMPHIRE. Now, gentlemen, with respect to the
Cal. All is lost ! Dr. Sligo, recruited by a Ser. Mr. Forceps, from the hospital. bumper of Drogheda, is returned with fresh viHel. The hospital ! is this a time to
Hel. Let our whole force be pointed at him. Enter FORCEPS.
(Exit CalomEL. Well, Forceps, what's your will ?
Enter CAMPHIRE. For. To know, sir, what you would have done with the hospital patients to-day?
Now, doctor? Hel. To-day! why, what was done yester Cam. The siege slackens; Dr. Broadbrim, with day?
Serjeant Demur, are arrived in the camp. (Exit. For. Sir, we bled the west ward, and jalloped
Hel. What can that mean? the north. Hel. Did ye? why then, bleed the north ward, Now, doctor?
Enter CALOMEL. and jalop the west, to-day. [Exit. For
Cal. Serjean Demur has thrown this mani. Now, I say, brethren
festo over the gate.
Erit. Enter Serdant.
Hel. (Looking at the parchment.] Ha! Mid
dleser, to wit. John Doe und Richard Roe." Ser. The licentiates are drawn up at the gate. It is a challenge to meet them at WestminsterHel. Who leads tbem?
hall; then we have breathing-time till the term.
I, for my own part, can say, what the conqueror
of Persia said to the Cynic; “If I was not AlexNow, doctor?
ander, I would be Diogenes:" So, if I was not Last. I have forgot my shoes.
the devil, I would chiuse to be a Methodist [Takes them up, and erit. preacher. Hel. Oh!
Inv. But then, the restraint, the forms, I shall
be obliged to observeEnter CAMPHIRE.
Devil. None at all : There is, in the whole caCam. The licentiates file off towards Fleet-talogue, but one sin you need to be at all shy of
Ino. What's that? Hel. Follow all, and harass the rear! leave
Devil. Simony. not a dry thread among them! Huzza ![Ereunt.
Ind. Simony! I don't comprehend you. Re-enter Devil, Invoice, and HARRIET.
Devil. Simony, sir, is a new kind of canon, de
vised by these upstart fanatics, that makes it sinDevil. Well, my young friends, yon will natu- ful not to abuse the confidence, and piously plunrally be led to Westm -Oh!
der the little property, of an indigent man and Inv. Bless me, sir, what's the matter? You his family. change colour, and faulter.
Inv. A most noble piece of casuistical cookery, Devil The magicjan at Madrid has discovered and exceeds even the sons of Ignatius! But this my flight, and recals me by an irresistible spell : honour I beg to decline. I must leave you, my friends!
Devil. What think you, then, of trying the Ino. Forbid it, fortune! it is now, sir, that we stage? You are a couple of good theatrical fimost want your aid.
gures; but how are your talents ? can you sing? Devil. He must, he will be obeyed. Hereafter, Inv. I can't boast of much skill, sir; but Miss perhaps, I may rejoin you again.
Harriet got great reputation in Spain. Ind. But, sir, what can we do? how live? what Har. Oh, Mr. Invoice !-My father, sir, as we plan can we fix on for our future support? seldom went out, established a domestic kind of
Devil. You are in a country where your ta- drama, and made us perform some little musical lents, with a little application, will procure you a pieces, that were occasionally sent us from Enyprovision.
land. Ind. But which way to direct them?
Devil. Come, sir, will you give us a taste of Devil. There are profitable professions that your—just a short-te ti te tor ? require but little ability.
[Sings a short preludio. Ino. Name us one.
Inv. I must beg to be excused, sir; I have not Devil. What think you of the trade, with a musical note in my voice, that can please you. whose badge I am at present invested.
Devil. No? Why, then, I believe we inust Ino. Can you suppose, sir, after what I have trouble the lady: Come, miss, Ill charm a band
to accompany you. (Waves his stick.-Harriet Devil. Oh, sir, I don't design to engage you in sings ] Exceedingly well! You have nothing any personal service; I would only recommend to do now, but to offer yourselves to one of the it to you to be the vender of those infallible re- houses. medies with which our newspapers are constant Inv. And which, sir, would you recommend? ly crowded.
choice; for I can serve you Inv. You know, sir, Ipo possessed of no se in neither. cret.
Inv. No? I thought, sir, you told me just now, Devil. Nor they either : A few simple waters, that the several arts of the drama were under dignified with titles that catch, no matter how your direction. wild and absurd, will effectually answer your Devil. So they were formerly; but now they purpose: As, let me see now: Tincture of tinder, are directed by the Genius of Insipidity: He has essence of eggshell, or balsam of broomstick. entered into partnership with the managers of
Ind. You must excuse me, sir; I can never both houses, and they have set up a kind of cirsubmit.
culating library, for the vending of dialogue noDevil. I think you are rather too squeamish. vels. I dare not go near the new house, for the What say you, then, to a little'spiritual quackery? dæmon of Power, who gave me this lameness, Ind. Spiritual?
has possessed the pates, and sown discord among Devil. Oh, sir, there are in this town, moun- the mock monarchs there; and what one retebanks for the mind as well as the body. How ceives, the other rejects. And, as to the other should you like mounting a cart on a common, house, the manager has great merit himself, with and becoming a Methodist preacher?
skill to discern, and candour to allow it in others; Ino. Can that scheme turn to account? but I can be of no use in making your bargain,
Devil. Nothing better: Believe me, the abso- for in that he would be too many for the cunlute direction of the persons and purses of a large ningest devil among us. congregation, however low their conditions and Inv. I have heard of a new playhouse in the callings, is by no means a contemptible object. 1 Haymarket.
Devil. What, Foote's? Oh, that's an eccentric, your assistance. I'll drop you down at the door; narrow establishinent; a mere summer fly! He ! and must then take my leave for some time. But, however, it may do for a coup d'essai, and Allons! but don't tremble ; you have nothing to prove no bad foundation for a future engage- fear: The public will treat you with kindness;
at least, if they shew but half the indulgence to Inv. Then we will try him, if you please. you, that they have, upon all occasions, shewn Devil. By all means: And you may do it this to that manager.
[Exeunt omnes. instant; he opens to-night, and will be glad of
wisely observes, ' Les circonstances ajout head
coup depoids aux faits.' You understand me? Enter SERJEANT CIRCUIT and CHARLOTTE.
Char. Not perfectly well.
Ser. Then to explain by case in point: A, we Char. I tell you, sir, his love to me is all a will suppose, my dear, robs B of a watch upon pretence; it is amazing that you, who are so Hounslow-heath-d'ye mind, child ? acute, so quick in discerning on other occasions, Char. I do, sir. should be so blind upon this.
Ser. A is taken up and is indicted; B swears Ser. But where are your proofs, Charlotte ? positively to the identity of A. D'ye observe? What signifies your opening matters which your Chur. Attentively. evidence cannot support?
Ser. Than what does me A, but sets up the Char. Surely, sir, strong circumstances in alibi C to defeat the affidavit of B. You take every court should have weight.
Ser. So they have collaterally, child ; that is, Char. Clearly. by way, as it were, of corroboration, or where Ser. So far you see, then, the balance is even. matters are doubtful; then, indeed, as Plonden Char, True.
in the grave.
Ser. But then, to turn the scale child, against Chur. I own, sir, age procures honour, but I A, in favour of B, they produce the circumstance believe it is very rarely productive of love. D, viz. B's watch, found in the pocket of A; Ser. Mighty well! upon which the testimony of being contradicted Char. And though the loss of a leg can't be by Beno, by D—why then, A, that is to say, Cimputed to Sir Luke Limap as a fault-no,D—joining B, they convict C-no, no, A Ser. How ! against tlie affidavic of C. So, this being pretty Char. I hope, sir, at least, you will allow it a clear, child, I leave the application to you. misfortune? Chur. Very obliging, sir. But suppose now,
Ser. Iudeed ! sir, it should appear, that the attention of Sir Char. A pretty thing truly, for a girl, at iny Luke Limp is directed to some other object, time of life, to be tied to a man svith one foot would not that induce you to Ser. Other object! Where?
Ser. One foot in the grave ! the rest of his Chur. In this very house.
body is not a whit the nearer for that. There Ser. Ilere! why, the girl is non conpos; bas been only an execution issued against part there's nobody here, child, but a parcel of Abi- of his personals; his real estate is unincumbered gails.
and free -besides, you see he does not mind Char. No, sir !
it a whit, but is as alert, and as merry, as a deSer. No.
fendant after non-suiting a plaintiff for omitting Char. Yes, sir, one person else. Ser. Who is that?
Chur. O, sir ! I know how proud Sir Luke is Char. But reineruber, sir, my accusation is of his leg, and have oftea heard him declare, confined to Sir Luke.
that he would not change his bit of timber for Ser. Well, well.
the best flesh and bone in the kingdom. Char. Suppose then, sir, those powerful charms Ser. There's a hero for you! which made a conquest of you, may bave ex Char. To be sure, sustaining unavoidable evils tended their empire over the heart of Sir Luke? with constancy, is a certain sigu of greatness of
Ser. Why, hussy, you don't hint at your mo- mind. ther-in-law?
Ser. Doubtless. Char. Indeed, sir, but I do.
Char. But then to derive a vanity from a misSer. Ay! why this is point blank treason fortune, will not, I'm afraid, be admitted as a against iny sovereign authority! but can you, vast instance of wisdom, and indeed looks as if Charlotte, bring proof of any overt acts ? the inan bad nothing better to distinguish him
Char, Overt acts!
Ser. Ay; that is, any declaration by writing, Ser. How does that follow? or even word of mouth, is sufficient; then let Char. By inuendo. them demur if they dare.
Ser. Negatur. Char. I can't say that, sir; but another organ Char. Besides, sir, I have other proofs of your has been pretty explicit.
hero's vanity, not inferior to that I have menSer. Which?
tioned. Chur. In those cases a very infallible one Ser. Cite them.
Chur. The paltry anıbition of levying and folSeř. Pshaw! nonsense aud stuff!—The eye! | lowing titles. The eye has no authority in a court of law. Ser. Titles ! I don't understand you.
Char. Perhaps not, sir; but it is a decisive Chur. I mean the poverty of fastening in pbevidence in a court of love.
lic upon men of distinction, for no other reason Ser. Hark you, hussy? why you would not file but because of their rank; adhering to Sir John an information agaiost the virtue of madam till the baronet is superseded by my lord ; quityour mother? you would not insinuate that she ing the puny peer for an earl; and sacrificing all has been guilty of crim. con.?
three to a duke. Char. Sir, you mistake me; it is not the lady, Ser. Keeping good company! a laudable ambut the gentleman, I am about to impeach.
bition ! Ser. Have a care, Charlotte! I see on what Char. True, sir, if the virtues that procured ground your action is founded-jealousy: the father a peerage, could with that be entailed
Char. You were never more deceived in your on the son. life; for it is impossible, my dear sir, that jea Ser. Have a care, hussy !--there are severe lousy can subsist without love.
laws against speaking evil of dignities Ser. Well?
Char, Sir! Char. And from that passion, (thank Heaven) Ser. Scandalum magnatum is a statute must I are pretty free at present.
not be trilled with : why, you are not one of Ser. Indeed !
those vulgar sluts that think a man the worse Char. A sweet object to excite tender desire! for being a lord ? Ser. And why not, hussy?
Char. No, sir; I am contented with only not Char. First, as to his years.
thinking him the better. Ser. What then?