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when it is not one time in twenty that we know it ourselves?-Proceed we now to the lecture! [They all rise, and come forward to the table.] Brethren and students, I am going to open to you some notable discoveries that I have made, respecting the source, or primary cause, of all distempers incidental to the human machine : And these, brethren, I attribute to certain animalculæ, or piscatory entities, that insinuate themselves through the pores into the blood, and, in that fluid, sport, toss, and tumble about, like mackarel or cod-fish in the great deep: And, to convince you that this is not a mere gratis dictum, an hypothesis only, I will give you demonstrative proof. Bring hither the microscope!

Enter a Servant with a miscroscope. Doctor Last, regard this receiver. Take a peep.

Last. Where?

Hel. There. Those two yellow drops there, were drawn from a subject afflicted with the jaundice.-Well, what d'ye see!

Last. Some little creatures like yellow flies, that are hopping and skipping about.

Hel. Right. Those yellow flies give the tinge to the skin, and undoubtedly cause the disease: And now for the cure! I administer to every patient the two-and-fiftieth part of a scruple of the ovaria or eggs of the spider; these are thrown by the digestive powers into the secretory, there separated from the alimentary, and then precipitated into the circulatory; where, finding a proper nidus or nest, they quit their torpid state, and vivify, and upon vivification, discerning the flies, their natural food, they immediately fall foul of them, extirpate the race out of the blood, and restore the patient to health.

Last. And what becomes of the spiders? Hel. Oh, they die, you know, for want of nutrition. Then I send the patient down to Brighthelmston; and a couple of dips in the salt water washes the cobwebs entirely out of the blood.Now, gentlemen, with respect to the

Enter Servant.

Ser. Mr. Forceps, from the hospital.
Hel. The hospital! is this a time to-

Enter FORCEPS.

Well, Forceps, what's your will?

For. To know, sir, what you would have done with the hospital patients to-day?

Hel. To-day! why, what was done yesterday?

For. Sir, we bled the west ward, and jalloped the north.

Hel. Did ye? why then, bleed the north ward, and jalop the west, to-day. [Exit. FOR.

Now, I say, brethren

Enter Servant.

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Now, doctor?

Enter CALOMel.

Cal. Serjean Demur has thrown this manifesto over the gate. [Exit. Hel. [Looking at the parchment.] Ha! Middlesex, to wit. John Doe and Richord Roe."

Ser. The licentiates are drawn up at the gate. It is a challenge to meet them at WestminsterHel. Who leads them?

hall; then we have breathing-time till the term.

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Enter CAMPHIRE.

Inv. But then, the restraint, the forms, I shall be obliged to observe—————

Devil. None at all: There is, in the whole ca

Cam. The licentiates file off towards Fleet-talogue, but one sin you need to be at all shy of

street.

Hel. Follow all, and harass the rear! leave not a dry thread among them! Huzza! [Exeunt. Re-enter DEVIL, INVOICE, and HARRIET.

Devil. Well, my young friends, yon will naturally be led to Westm- -Oh!

Inv. Bless me, sir, what's the matter? You change colour, and faulter.

Devil The magician at Madrid has discovered my flight, and recals me by an irresistible spell : I must leave you, my friends!

Inv. Forbid it, fortune! it is now, sir, that we most want your aid.

Devil. He must, he will be obeyed. Hereafter, perhaps, I may rejoin you again.

Inv. But, sir, what can we do? how live? what plan can we fix on for our future support?

Devil. You are in a country where your talents, with a little application, will procure you a provision.

Ino. But which way to direct them?

committing.

Inv. What's that?
Devil, Simony.

Inv. Simony! I don't comprehend you.

Devil. Simony, sir, is a new kind of canon, devised by these upstart fanatics, that makes it sinful not to abuse the confidence, and piously plunder the little property, of an indigent man and his family.

Inv. A most noble piece of casuistical cookery, and exceeds even the sons of Ignatius! But this honour I beg to decline.

Devil. What think you, then, of trying the stage? You are a couple of good theatrical figures; but how are your talents? can you sing?

Inv. I can't boast of much skill, sir; but Miss Harriet got great reputation in Spain.

Har. Oh, Mr. Invoice !-My father, sir, as we seldom went out, established a domestic kind of drama, and made us perform some little musical pieces, that were occasionally sent us from England.

Devil. Come, sir, will you give us a taste of

Devil. There are profitable professions that your-just a short-te ti te tor? require but little ability.

Inv. Name us one.

Devil. What think you of the trade, with whose badge I am at present invested.

Inv. Can you suppose, sir, after what I have

seen

Devil. Oh, sir, I don't design to engage you in any personal service; I would only recommend it to you to be the vender of those infallible remedies with which our newspapers are constantly crowded.

Inv. You know, sir, Im possessed of no se

cret.

Devil. Nor they either: A few simple waters, dignified with titles that catch, no matter how wild and absurd, will effectually answer your purpose: As, let me see now: Tincture of tinder, essence of eggshell, or balsam of broomstick. Inv. You must excuse me, sir; I can never submit.

Devil. I think you are rather too squeamish. What say you, then, to a little'spiritual quackery? Inv. Spiritual?

Devil. Oh, sir, there are in this town, mountebanks for the mind as well as the body. How should you like mounting a cart on a common, and becoming a Methodist preacher?

Inv. Can that scheme turn to account? Devil. Nothing better: Believe me, the absolute direction of the persons and purses of a large congregation, however low their conditions and callings, is by no means a contemptible object.

a

[Sings a short preludio. Inv. I must beg to be excused, sir; I have not musical note in my voice, that can please you. Devil. No? Why, then, I believe we must trouble the lady: Come, miss, Ill charm a band to accompany you. [Waves his stick.-HARRIET sings] Exceedingly well! You have nothing to do now, but to offer yourselves to one of the houses.

Inv. And which, sir, would you recommend? Devil. Take your choice; for I can serve you in neither.

Inv. No? I thought, sir, you told me just now, that the several arts of the drama were under your direction.

Devil. So they were formerly; but now they are directed by the Genius of Insipidity: He has entered into partnership with the managers of both houses, and they have set up a kind of circulating library, for the vending of dialogue novels. I dare not go near the new house, for the dæmon of Power, who gave me this lameness, has possessed the pates, and sown discord among the mock monarchs there; and what one receives, the other rejects. And, as to the other house, the manager has great merit himself, with skill to discern, and candour to allow it in others; but I can be of no use in making your bargain, for in that he would be too many for the cunningest devil among us.

Inv. I have heard of a new playhouse in the Haymarket.

Devil. What, Foote's? Oh, that's an eccentric, narrow establishment; a mere summer fly! He! But, however, it may do for a coup d'essai, and prove no bad foundation for a future engage

ment.

Inv. Then we will try him, if you please. Devil. By all means: And you may do it this instant; he opens to-night, and will be glad of

|

your assistance. I'll drop you down at the door; and must then take my leave for some time. Allons! but don't tremble ; you have nothing to fear: The public will treat you with kindness; at least, if they shew but half the indulgence to you, that they have, upon all occasions, shewn to that manager. [Exeunt omnes.

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Enter SERJEANT CIRCUIT and CHARLOTTE.

Char. I tell you, sir, his love to me is all a pretence; it is amazing that you, who are so acute, so quick in discerning on other occasions, should be so blind upon this.

Ser. But where are your proofs, Charlotte? What signifies your opening matters which your evidence cannot support?

Char. Surely, sir, strong circumstances in every court should have weight.

Ser. So they have collaterally, child; that is, by way, as it were, of corroboration, or where matters are doubtful; then, indeed, as Plowden

wisely observes, 'Les circonstances ajout beaucoup depoids aux faits.' You understand me? Char. Not perfectly well.

Ser. Then to explain by case in point: A, we will suppose, my dear, robs B of a watch upon Hounslow-heath-d'ye mind, child?

Char. I do, sir.

Ser. A is taken up and is indicted; B swears positively to the identity of A. D'ye observe? Char. Attentively.

Ser. Than what does me A, but sets up the alibi C to defeat the affidavit of B. You take me?

Char. Clearly.

Ser. So far you see, then, the balance is even. Char. True.

Ser. But then, to turn the scale child, against | A, in favour of B, they produce the circumstance D, viz. B's watch, found in the pocket of A; upon which the testimony of C being contradicted by B-no, by D-why then, A, that is to say, Cimputed to Sir Luke Limp as a fault-no,D-joining B, they convict C-no, no, Aagainst the affidavit of C. So, this being pretty clear, child, I leave the application to you.

Char. I own, sir, age procures honour, but I believe it is very rarely productive of love. Ser. Mighty well!

Char. And though the loss of a leg can't be

Char. Very obliging, sir. But suppose now, sir, it should appear, that the attention of Sir Luke Limp is directed to some other object, would not that induce you to

Ser. Other object! Where?
Char. In this very house.

Ser. Here! why, the girl is non compos; there's nobody here, child, but a parcel of Abigails.

Char. No, sir!

Ser. No.

Char. Yes, sir, one person else.

Ser. Who is that?

Ser. How!

Char. I hope, sir, at least, you will allow it a misfortune?

Ser. Indeed!

Char. A pretty thing truly, for a girl, at my time of life, to be tied to a man with one foot in the grave.

Ser. One foot in the grave! the rest of his body is not a whit the nearer for that. There has been only an execution issued against part of his personals; his real estate is unincumbered and free-besides, you see he does not mind it a whit, but is as alert, and as merry, as a defendant after non-suiting a plaintiff for omitting

an S.

Char. O, sir! I know how proud Sir Luke is

Char. But remember, sir, my accusation is of his leg, and have often heard him declare, confined to Sir Luke.

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Ser. Which?

Char. In those cases a very infallible onethe eye.

Ser. Pshaw! nonsense aud stuff!-The eye!
The eye has no authority in a court of law.
Char. Perhaps not, sir; but it is a decisive
evidence in a court of love.

Ser. Hark you, hussy? why you would not file an information against the virtue of madam your mother? you would not insinuate that she has been guilty of crim. con.?

Char. Sir, you mistake me; it is not the lady, but the gentleman, I am about to impeach. Ser. Have a care, Charlotte! I see on what ground your action is founded-jealousy.

Char. You were never more deceived in your life; for it is impossible, my dear sir, that jealousy can subsist without love.

Ser. Well?

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that he would not change his bit of timber for
the best flesh and bone in the kingdom.
Ser. There's a hero for you!

Char. To be sure, sustaining unavoidable evils with constancy, is a certain sign of greatness of mind.

Ser. Doubtless.

Char. But then to derive a vanity from a misfortune, will not, I'm afraid, be admitted as a vast instance of wisdom, and indeed looks as if the man had nothing better to distinguish himself by.

Ser. How does that follow?
Char. By inuendo.

Ser. Negatur.

Char. Besides, sir, I have other proofs of your hero's vanity, not inferior to that I have mentioned.

Ser. Cite them.

Char. The paltry ambition of levying and following titles.

Ser. Titles! I don't understand you. Char. I mean the poverty of fastening in pblic upon men of distinction, for no other reason but because of their rank; adhering to Sir John till the baronet is superseded by my lord; quiting the puny peer for an earl; and sacrificing all three to a duke.

Ser. Keeping good company! a laudable ambition!

Char. True, sir, if the virtues that procured the father a peerage, could with that be entailed on the son.

Ser. Have a care, hussy!-there are severe laws against speaking evil of dignitiesChar, Sir!

Ser. Scandalum magnatum is a statute must not be trifled with: why, you are not one of those vulgar sluts that think a man the worse

Char. A sweet object to excite tender desire! | for being a lord?
Ser. And why not, hussy?

Char. First, as to his years.

Ser. What then?

Char. No, sir; I am contented with only not thinking him the better.

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