talk to her now. Old Phil. And so he shall; George, she is a bale of goods; speak her fair now, and then you'll be in cash. this new adventure I am recommended to-Let Sir Jas. Well zaid; I like you; I like un, mame see what is the lady's name? [Takes a let-ster Philpot; I like un; I'll tell you what, let un ter out.] Corinna! ay, ay, by the description, she is a bale of goods; I shall be in rare spirits. Ay, this is the way, to indulge one's passions and yet conceal them, and to mind one's business in the city, here, as if one had no passions at all; I long for the evening, methinks. Body o' me, I am a young man still! Sir Jas. Master Philpot, I be glad to zee ye; I am, indeed. Old Phil. The like compliment to you, Sir Jasper. Miss Maria, I kiss your fair hand. Maria. Sir, your most obedient. Sir Jas. Ay, ay, I ha' brought un to zee you. There's my girl; I ben't ashamed of my girl. Maria. That's more than I can say of my father; luckily these people are as much strangers to decorum as my old gentleman, otherwise this visit from a lady to meet her lover would have an odd appearance- -though but late a boarding school girl, I know enough of the world for [Aside. Old Phil. Truly, she is a blooming young lady, Sir Jasper, and I verily shall like to take an interest in her. that. Sir Jas. I ha' brought her to zee ye, and zo your zon may ha' her as soon as he will. Old Phil. Why, she looks three and a half per cent. better than when I saw her last. Maria. Then, there are hopes that, in a little time, I shall be above par; he rates me like a [Aside. lottery ticket. Old Phil. Ay, ay, I doubt not, Sir Jasper : Miss has the appearance of a very sensible, discreet young lady; and to deal freely, without that, she would not do for my son; George is a shrewd lad, and I have often heard him declare, no consideration should ever prevail on him to marry a fool, Maria. Ay, you have told me so before, old gentleman, and I have my cue from my brother; and if I don't soon give master George a surfeit of me, why, then, I am not a notable girl. Enter GEORGE Philpot. [Aside. G. Phil. I think I had rather not speak to her now-I hate speaking to these modest women, sir-sir, a word in your ear; had not I better break my mind, by advertising for her in a newspaper? Old Phil. Talk sense to her, George; she is a notable girl; and I'll give the draft upon the bank presently. Sir Jas. Come along, master Philpot; come along; I ben't afraid of my girl-come along. [Exeunt SIR JASPER and OLD PHILPOT. Maria. A pretty sort of a lover they have found for me. Aside. G. Phil. How shall I speak my mind to her; She is almost a stranger to me. [Aside. Maria. Now, I'll make the hideous thing hate me, if I can. [Aside. G. Phil. Ay, she is as sharp as a needle, I warrant her. [Aside. Maria. [Aside.] When will, he begin? Ah, you fright! You rival, Mr. Beaufort! I'll give him an aversion to me, that's what I will, and so let him have the trouble of breaking off the match: not a word yet he is in a fine confusion. [Looks foolish.] I think I may as well sit down, sir. G. Phil. Madam-I-I-I-I'll hand you a chair, madam; there, madam! [Bows aukwardly. Maria. Sir, I thank you. G. Phil. I'll sit down, too. [In confusion. G. Phil. I thought-I-I-did not you say something, madam? Maria. No, sir; nothing. [Aside. G. Phil. The ice is broke, now; I have begun, and so, I'll go on. [Sits silent, looks foolish, and steals a look at her. Maria. An agreeable interview this! [Aside. G. Phil. Pray, madam, do you ever go to concerts? Maria, Concerts! what's that, sir? G. Phil. Lord, madam, all the gay world goes to concerts. She notable! I'll take courage; she is nobody. [Aside.] Will you give me leave to present you a ticket for the Crown and Anchor, inadam? Maria. [Looking simple and aukward.] A ticket! what is a ticket? G. Phil. There, madam, at service. your Maria. [Curtsies aukwardly.] I long to see what a ticket is. G. Phil. What a curtsey there is for the St. James's end of the town! I hate her; she seems to be an idiot. [Aside. Maria. Here's a charming ticket he has given me. [Aside.] And is this a ticket, sir? G. Phil. Yes, madam; and is this a ticket? [Mimicks her aside. Maria. [Reads.] For sale, by the candle, the following goods-thirty chest, straw hats; fifty tubs chip hats; pepper, sago, borar-Ha, ha! such a ticket! G. Phil. I-I-I have made a mistake, madam- here, here is the right one. Maria. You need not mind it, sir; I never go to such places. G. Phil. No, madam? I don't know what to make of her. Was you ever at White Conduit House? Maria. There's a question! [Aside.] Is that a nobleman's seat? G. Phil. [Laughs.] Simpleton! No, miss, it is not a nobleman's seat- -Lord! 'tis at Islington. virtuous a girl as any in England, and I will never be a virtuoso. Cries bitterly. G. Phil. But, madam, you mistake me quite. Maria. [In a passion, and checking her tears, and sobbing.] Sir, I am come of as virtuous people as any in England-My family was always remarkable for virtue-My mamma was as good a woman as ever was born, and my aunt Bridget [Sobbing.] was a virtuous woman, too; and there's my sister Sophy, makes as good and virtuous a wife as any at all. And so, sir, don't call me a virtuoso. I won't be brought here to be treated in this manner-I won't-I won't-I [Cries bitterly. won't. G. Phil. The girl's a natural-So much the better. I'll marry her, and lock her up. [Aside.] Madam, upon my word, you misunderstand me. Maria. Sir, [Drying her tears.] I won't be called connoisseur by you or any body: And I am no virtuoso- -I would have you to know that. Maria. And did you mean to say as how I Maria. Lord Islington! I don't know my Lord am a person of taste? Islington. G. Phil. The town of Islington. G. Phil. Undoubtedly. Maria. Sir, your most obedient humble ser Maria. I have not the honour of knowing his vant. Oh, that's another thing. I have a taste, lordship. G. Phil. Islington is a town, madam. Maria. Oh! it's a town? Maria. I am conie of good people, sir; and have been properly educated, as a young girl ought to be. G. Phil. What a damned fool she is! [Aside.] The burletta is an opera, madam. Maria. Opera, sir! I don't know what you mean by this usage to affront me in this manner! G. Phil. Affront! I mean quite the reverse, madam; I took you for a connoisseur. Maria, Who, me a connoisseur, sir! I desire you won't call me such names; I am sure I never so much as thought of such a thing. Sir, I won't be called a connoisseur-I won't-I won't -I won't. [Bursts out a crying. G. Phil. Madam, I meant no offence. A connoisseur is a virtuoso. Maria. Don't virtuoso me! I am no virtuoso, sir; I would have you to know it, I am as to be sure. G. Phil. I know you have, madam-O you're a cursed ninny! [Aside. Maria. Yes, I know I have; I can read tolerably, and I begin to write a little. G. Phil. Upon my word you have made a great progress! What could Old Square-toes mean, by passing her upon me for a sensible girl? and what a fool I was to be afraid to speak to her! I'll talk to her openly at once. [Aside.] Come, sit down, miss; pray, madam, are you inclined to matrimony? Maria. Yes, sir. G. Phil. Are you in love? G. Phil. Those naturals are always amorous. [Aside.] How should you like me? Maria. Of all things G. Phil. A girl without ceremony. [Aside.]— Do you love me? Maria. Yes, sir. G. Phil. But you don't love any body else? Maria. Yes, sir. G. Phil. Frank and free. [Aside.] But not so well as me? Maria. Yes, sir. G. Phil. Better, may be? G. Phil. The devil you do! [Aside.] And, perhaps, if I should marry you, I should have a chance to be made a Maria. Yes, sir! G. Phil. The case is clear; Miss Maria, your very humble servant; you are not for my money, I promise you. Maria. Sir! Maria. I wonder you a'n't ashamed of your G. Phil. I have done, madam, that's all; and self, to affront a young girl in this manner. I take my leave, Maria. But you'll marry me? G. Phil. No, madam, no; no such thingYou may provide yourself a husband elsewhere: I am your humble servant. Maria. Not marry me, Mr. Philpot? But you must- -My papa said you must-and I will have you. G. Phil. There's another proof of her non-sense! [Aside.] Make yourself easy, for I shall have nothing to do with you. Maria. Not marry me, Mr. Philpot? [Bursts into tears.] But I say you shall; and I will have a husband, or I'll know the reason why You shall-you shall. for I'll go and tell my papa-I will-I will-I will. servant. Maria. Ay! and by goles! my brother Bob shall fight you. G. Phil. What care I for your brother Bob? Maria. How can you be so cruel, Mr. Philpot? how can you-Oh! [Cries and struggles with him. Exit G. PHILPOT.] Ha, ba! I have carried my brother's scheme into execution charmingly, ha, ha! He will break off the match now, of his own accord; ha, ha! This is charm G. Phil. A pretty sort of a wife they intending ! this is fine! this is like a girl of spirit! me, here [Erit. ACT II. SCENE I.-CORINNA's Apartment Enter CORINNA, TOM following her. Cor. An elderly gentleman, did you say? come, madam. Your fair hand looks so tempting, I must kiss it-Oh! I could eat it up-Fair lady, your lips look so cherry-they actually invite the touch-[Kisses.]—Really it makes the difference of cent. per cent. in one's constitution You have really a mighty pretty foot-Oh, you little rogue ! I could smother you with Cor. Desire the gentleman to walk up stairs.kisses-Oh, you little delicate, charming[Exit Toм ]-These old fellows will be coming after a body-but they pay well, and so-Servant, sir. you, madam. Old Phil. Really you are very agreeableYou see I am punctual to my hour. [Looks at his watch. Cor. That is a mighty pretty watch, sir. Old Phil. Yes, madam, it is a repeater; it has been in our family for a long time—this is a mighty pretty lodging-I have twenty guineas here, in a purse: here they are--———[Turns them out upon the table.]-as pretty golden rogues as ever fair fingers played with. Cor. I am always agreeable to any thing from a gentleman. Old Phil. There are- [Aside.]—some light guineas amongst them-I always put off my light guineas in this way. You are exceedingly wel [Kisses her. G. Phil. [Without.] Gee-oup! Awhi! Awhi! Gallows! Awhi! Old Phil. Hey! What is all that! Somebody coming! Cor. Some young rake, I fancy, coming in, whether my servants will or no. Old Phil. What shall I do? I will not be scen for the world- -Can't you hide me in that room? the club. The servants told me you came back from the city at two o'clock to dress; and so I concluded you would have staid all night as usual. But I G. Phil. No; the run was against me again, and I did not care to pursue ill fortune. am strong in cash, my girl. Cor. Are you? G. Phil. Yes, yes; suskins in plenty. G. Phil. Yes, yes; I am strong in cash; have taking in old curmudgeon since I saw you. Cor. As how, pray? Old Phil. [Peeping out.] Ay, as how; let us hear, pray. G. Phil. Why, I'll tell you. Old Phil. [Peeping.] Ay, let us hear. G. Phil. I talked a world of wisdom to him. G. Phil. Pho! he is an old curmudgeon— And so I will talk no more about him-Come, give me a kiss. Old Phil. The young dog, how he fastens his lips to her! G. Phil. You shall go with me to Epsom next Sunday. Cor. Shall I? that's charming. G. Phil. You shall, in my chariot-I drive. G. Phil. But I like it; I am as good a coach- G. Phil. Oh, no! I know my road-work, my girl; when I have my coachman's hat on-Is my hat come home? Cor. It hangs up yonder; but I don't like it. G. Phil. Tipt him a few rascally sentiments of Mind me when I go to work-throw my eyes a scoundrelly kind of prudence. Old Phil. Ay! ay. G. Phil. The old curmudgeon chuckled at it. G. Phil. He is a sad old fellow. G. Phil. And so I appeared to him as deserving of the gallows as he is himself. Old Phil, Well said, boy, well said; go on. G. Phil. And then he took a liking to meAy, ay, says he, ay, friendship has nothing to do with trade; George, thou art a son after my own heart; and then, as I dealt out little maxims of penury, he grinned like a Jew broker, when he has cheated his principal of an eight per cent. and cried, Ay, ay, that is the very spirit of trade -a fool and his money are soon parted-[Mimicking him.] And so on he went, like Harlequin in a French comedy, tickling himself into a good humour, till at last I tickled him out of fifteen hundred and odd pounds. Old. Phil. I have a mind to rise and break his bones-but then I discover myself-lie still, Isaac, lie still. G. Phil. Oh, I understand trap; I talked of a great house stopping payment. The thing was true enough; but I had no dealings with them. Old Phil. Ay, ay! G. Phil. And so, for fear of breaking off a match with an idiot he wants me to marry, he lent me the money, and cheated me, though. Old Phil. Ay, you have found it out, have ye? G. Phil. No old usurer in England, grown hard hearted in his trade, could have dealt worse with ine. I must have commission upon these bills for taking them up for honour of the drawer -your bond-lawful interest while I am out of my money-and the difference of selling out of the stocks an old, miserly, good-for-nothing skin-flint. Old Phil. My blood boils to be at him-Go on; can't you tell us a lirtle more? about a few-handle the braces-take the off Cor. But can't you let your coachman drive? G. Phil. No, no; see me mount the box, handle the reins, my wrist turned down, square my elbows, stamp with my foot-Gee-up! Off we go---Button, do you want to have us over? Do your work, do-Awhi! Awhi! There we bowl away! see how sharp they are-Gallows! Softly up the hill. [Whistles.] There's a public house |-Give them a mouthful of water, do; and fetch me a dram-drink it off-gee-up! Awhi! Awhi! There we go, scrambling all together-Reach Epsom in an hour and forty-three minutes, alt Lombard Street to an egg-shell, we do-there's your work, my girl! eh! damın me! Old Phil. Mercy on me! What a profligate, debauched young dog it is! Enter YoUNG WILDING. Wild. Ha! my little Corinna-Sir, your ser vant. G. Phil. No, sir, that lady belongs to me. Wild. To you! who are you? Wild. Upon my word! who is this fellow, Corinna? some journeyman tailor, I suppose, who chooses to try on the gentleman's clothes before he carries them home. G. Phil. Tailor! What do you mean by that? You lie! I am no tailor. Wild. You shall give me satisfaction for that! Wild. For giving me the lie. G. Phil. You lie; I'll bet you five pounds I did not-but if you have a mind for a froliclet me put by my sword-now sir, come on. [In a boxing attitude. Wild. Why, you scoundrel, do you think I want to box? Draw, sir, this moment! G. Phil. No I-come in. Wild. Draw, or I'll cut you to pieces. G. Phil. I'll give you satisfaction this way. [Pushes at him. Wild. Draw, sir, draw! You won't draw! There, take that, sirrah-and that-and that, you scoundrel. Old Phil. Ay, ay; well done; lay it on. Old Phil. [Rising.]-In troth so I am—but there you may exercise yourself again, if you please. G. Phil. No more for me, sir-I thank you. Old Phil. I have made but a bad voyage of it; the ship is sunk, and stock and block lost. [Aside. Wild. Ha, ha! Upon my soul, I can't help laughing at this old square toes; as for you, sir, you have had what you deserved; ha, ha! You are a kind of cull, I suppose; ha, ha! And you, reverend dad, you must come here tottering after a punk; ha, ha! Old Phil. Oh! George! George! Wild. Ha, ha! What, father and son! And so you have found one another out, ha, ha! Well, you may have business; and so, gentlemen, I'll leave you to yourselves. [Exit WILDING, G. Phil. This is too much to bear-What an infamous jade she is! all her contrivance! don't be angry with me, sir; I'll go my ways this moment, tie myself up in the matrimonial noose, and never have any thing to do with these courses again. [Going. Old Phil. And, hark'e, George, tie me up in a real noose, and turn me off as soon as you will. [Exeunt. [Peeps out. SCENE I.—A room in SIR JASPER WILDING'S Wild. And there, you rascal; and there. Old Phil. Thank you, thank you; could not you find in your heart to lay on another for me? Cor. Pray, don't be in a such a passion, sir. Wild. My dear Corinna, don't be frightened; I shall not murder him. Old Phil. I am safe here-lie still, Isaac, lie still-I am safe. Wild. The fellow has put me out of breath.[Sits down.]-OLD PHILPOT's watch strikes ten under the table.]-Whose watch is that?-[Stares round.-Hey? what is all this?-[Looks under the table.]-Your humble servant, sir! turn out; pray turn out; you won't-then I'll unshell you. Takes away table.]-Your very humble servant, sir. G. Phil. Zounds! My father there all this time! [Aside Wild. I suppose you will give me the lie, too? Old Phil. [Still on the ground.]-No, sir, not I, truly; but the gentleman, there, may divert himself again, if he has a mind. G. Phil. No, sir, not I; I pass. Old Phil. George, you are there, I see? G. Phil. Yes, sir; and you are there I see. Wild. Come, rise; who is this old fellow? Cor. Upon my word, I don't know-as I live and breathe, I don't. He came after my maid, I suppose; I'll go and ask her let me run out of the way, and hide myself from this scene of confusion! [Erit CORINNA. G. Phil. What an imp of hell she is! [Aside. Wild. Come, get up, sir; you are too old to be beat. Sir Jas. Why, you be but a weezen-faced drinker, master Quagmire; come, man, finish this bottle. Beau. I beg to be excused; you had better let me read over the deeds to you. Sir Jas. Zounds! 'tis all about out houses, and messuages, and barns, and stables, and orchards, and meadows, and lands, and tenements, and woods, and under-woods, and commons, and backsides. I am o' the commission for Wilts, and I know the ley; and so truce with your jargon, Mr. Quagmire. Beau. But, sir, you don't consider, marriage is an affair of importance; it is contracted between persons, first, consenting; secondly, free from canonical impediments; thirdly, free from civil impediments, and can only be dissolved for canonical causes, or levitical causes.-See Leviticus xviii. and xxviii. Harry VIII. chap. vii. Sir Jas. You shall drink t'other bumper, an you talk of ley. Enter a Servant. Ser. Old Mr. Philpot, sir, and his son. Sir Jas. Wounds! that's right; they'll take me out of the hands of this lawyer here. [Exit. |