Page images

Bear. Well done, Beaufort! thus far you i G. Phil. Hy! thare now he is hearing the have played your part, as if you had been of the whole affair, and is laughing at me. pimplenose fainily of Furnival's-inn.

Sir Jas. Ha, ha! Poh, never mind it—a did

not hurt un. Enter Sir Jasper, with Old Philpot and G. Old Phil. It's all discovered. PHILPOT.

Sir Jas. Ha, ba!-I told ye zon Bob could Sir Jas. Master Philpot, I be glad you are

find a hare squat upon her form with any he in come: this man here has so plagued me with his Christendomha, ha! never mind it, man; Bob ley! but now we'll have no more about it, but ineant vo harm-Here, here, Bub_here's your sign the papers at once.

vather, and there's your brother-I should like Old Phul. Sir

Jasper, twenty thousand pounds, to have zeen un under the table ! you know, is a great deal of money-I should

Wild. Gentlemen, your most obedient. not give you so much, if it was not for the sake

[Stifling a laugh. of your daughter's marrying my son ; so that, if

Old Phil. Sir, your servant-He has licked you will allow me discount for prompt payment,

George well and I forgive him. I will pay the money down.

Sir Jas. Well, young gentleman, which way G. Phil. Sir, I must beg to see the young lady

is your mind now? once more before I embark; for to be plain, sir, daughter an idiot.

G. Phil. Why, sir, to be plain, I find your she appears to be a mere natural. Sir Jus. I'll tell you what, youngster, I find

Sir Jas. Zee her again, then -zee her again my girl is a notable wench-and here, here's zon

-Here, you, sirrah, send our Moll hither. Bob.

Ser. Yes, sir.

Sir Jas. Very well, then ; we'll go into t'other Enter Young WILDING.

room, crack a bottle, and settle matters there;

and leave un together— Hoic! huic Our Sir Jas. Bob, gee us your hand- I bave Moll-Tally over. finished the business—and zo now-here, bere,

Enter Maria. here's your vather-in-law.

Old Phil. Of all the birds in the air, is that Maria. Did you call me, papa ? he?

[Aside. Sir Jas. I did, iny girl—There, the geutleman G. Phil. He has behaved like a relation to me wants to speak with you—Behave like a clever already.

[Aside. wench, as you are -Come along, my boys Sir Jus. Go to un, man -that's your ra- Master Quaginire, come and fiuish the busither

Wild. This is the strangest accident-Sir-Sir [Exit singing, with Old Puilpot and Beau-Slifling u laugh.] 1–1-sir-upon iny soul,

Manent GEORGE and MARIA. I can't stand this. [Bursts out a laughing. G. Phil. I know she is a fool, and so I will Old Phil. I deserve it! I deserve to be laugh- speak to her without ceremony-Well, Miss, you

[Aside. told me you could read and write! G. Phil. He has shown his regard to his Maria. Read, sir? Heavens Looking at sister's family already.

(Aside. him.) Ha, ba, ha! Sir Jas. What's the matter, Bob? I tell you G. Phil. What does she laugh at? this is your vather-in-law-[Pulls Old Philpot Muria. Ha, ha, ha, ha! to him.] Master Philpot, that's Bob-Speak to G. Phil. What diverts you so, pray? un Bob--Speak to un

Marin. Ha, ha, ha! What a five taudry figure Wild. Sir-1-I am (Stifles a laugh.) I say, you have made of yourseli! Ha, ha! sir-I am, sir-extremely proud-of-of G. Phil. Figure, madam ! G. Phil. Of having beat me, I suppose ? Muriu. I shall die, I shall die! ba, ha, ha!


G. Phil. Do you make a laughing-stock of Wild. Of the honour, sir-of-of -[Laugh. me? G. Phil. Ay; that's what he mears. [ Aside. Maria. No, sir; by no means -Ha, ha, ha!

Wild And, sir--I--this opportunity--1 G. Phil. Let me tell you, miss, I don't undercannot look him in the face--- [Bursts out into stand being treated thus. a laugh.] ha, ha! I cannot stay in the room Maria. Sir, I can't possibly help it-I-I

(Going. Ha, ha! Sir Jas. Why, the volks are all mad, I be G. Phil. I shall quit the room, and tell your shall stay, Bob; you shall stay. papa, if you go on thus.

Holds him Maria. Sir, I beg your pardon a thousand Wild. Sir, I-I cannot possibly

times—I am but a giddy girl—I can't helpii-! [Whispers his father. -1-Ha, ha ! Old Phil. George! George! what a woeful G. Phil. Madam, this is downright insult! figure do we make?

Maria. Sir, you look somehow or other G. Phil. Bad enough, of all conscience, sir. don't know how, so comically-Ha, ha, ha! Sir Jas. An odd adventure, Bob!

G. Phil. Did you never sce a gentleman (Laughs heartily. dressed before?



ed at.

lieve ! you


Mariu. Never like you-I beg your pardon, G. Phil. Wellsir-Ha, ha, ha!

Muria. Like Cymon and Iphigenia, in DryG. Phil. Now, here is an idiot in spirits-Iden's fable. tell you, this is

your ignorance-I am dressed G. Phil. Jenny in Dryden's fable ! in bigb taste.

Maria. The fanning breeze upon her bosom Aluria. Yes; so you are

-Ha, ha, ha!

blows; G. Phil. Will you have done laughing?

To meet the fanning breeze, her bosom Maria. Yes, sir, I will I will there there there I have done.

That's me now you. G. Phil. Do so then, and behave yourself a He trudged along, unknowing what he sought, little sedately.

And whistled as he went [mimicks.) for wunt of Maria. I will, sir ;-I won't look at him, and thought. then I shan't laugh

Aside. G. Phil. This is not the same girl! G. Phil. Let me tell you, miss, that nobody

Disconcerted. understands dress better than I do.

Maria. Mark again, mark again: Maria. Ha, ha, ha!

The fool of nature stood with stupid eyes, G. Phil. She's mad, sure !

And gaping mouth, that testified surprise. Mariu. No, sir, I am not mad-I have done

(He looks foolish, she laughs at him. sis-I have done-I assure you, sir, that nobody G. Phil. I must take care how I speak to her; is more averse from ill manners, and would take she is not the fool I took her for. [Aside. greater pains not to affront a gentleman-Ha, Maria. You seem surprised, sir; but this is my ha, ha!

way-I read, sir, and then I apply-I have read G. Phil. Again? Zounds! what do you mean? every thing: Suckling, Waller, Milton, Dryden, you'll put me in a passion, I can tell you, pre- Lansdoa

ne, Gay, Prior, Swift, Addison, Pope, sently.

Young, Thomson. Maria. I can't help it-indeed I can't-Beat G. Phil. Hey! the devil-what a clack is me if you will, but let me laugh-I can't help it, here !

[He walks across the stage. Ha, ha, ha!

Maria. Following him eagerly. Shakespeare, G. Phil. I never met with such usage in my Fletcher, Otway, Southerne, Rowe, Congreve, life.

Wicherly, Farquhar, Cibber, Vanbrugh, Steel, in Maria. I shall die!- Do, sir, let me laugh— short every body; and I find them all wit, fire, It will do me good-Ha, ha, ha!

vivacity, spirit, genius, taste,imagination,raillery, [Sits down in a fit of laughing. humour, character, and sentiment, Well done, G. Phil. If this is your way, I won't stay a Miss Notable ! you have played your part like a moment longer in the room

om-I'll go this moment young actress, in high favour with the town. and tell


[Aside. Maria. Sir, sir, Mr. Philpot, don't be so hasty, G. Phil. Her tongue goes like a water-mill! sir-I have done, sir; it's over now-1 have had

(Aside. my laugh out-I am a giddy girl-but I'll be Maria. What do you say to me now, sir? grave.--I'll compose myself, and act a differ G. Phil. Say! I don't know what the devil to ent scene with him from what I did in the morn- say.

Aside. ing. I have all the inaterials of an impertinent

Maria. What's the matter, sir? Why, you wit, and I will now twirl him about the room, look as if the stocks were fallen-or like London like a boy setting up his top with bis finger and bridge at low water, or like a waterman when the thumb.

[Aside. Thames is frozen; or like a politician without G. Phil. Miss, I think you told me you could news; or like a prude without scandal ; or like a read and write?

great lawyer without a brief; or like some lawMaria. Read, sir! Reading is the delight of yers with one-or-Do you love reading, sir !

G. Phil. Or like a poor devil of a husband G. Phil. Prodigiously-How pertshe is grown! henpecked by a wit, and so say no more of that.

I have read very little, and I'm resolved, What a capricious piece here is! [Aside. for the future, to read less. [Aside.] What have Maria. Oh, fie! you have spoiled all; I had you read, miss?

not half done. Maria. Every thing.

G. Phil. There is enough of all conscience. G. Phil. You have?

You may content yourself. Maria. Yes, sir, I have.

Maria. But I can't be so easily contented-I G. Phil. Oh! brave !and do you remember like a simile half a mile long. what you read, Miss ?

G. Phil. I see you do. Maria. Not so well as I could wish-Wits Maria. Oh! And I make verses too-verses have short memories.

like an angel-off hand-extempore. Can you G. Phil. Oh! you are a wit too?

give me an extempore? Maria. I am--and do you know that I feel G. Phil. What does she mean? No, Miss--1 myself provoked to a simile now?

have never a one about me. G. Phil. Provoked to a simile! Let us hearit. Maria. You can't give me an extempore-Oh! Maria. What do you think we are both liker | for shaine, Mr. Philpot! I love an extempore of

my life


mise you.


all things; and I love the poets dearly; their of your eye is like the returning sun in the spring sense so fine, their invention rich as Pactolus. --it melts away the frost of age, and gives a new

G. Phil. A poet rich as Pactolus ! I have warmth and vigour to all nature. heard of that Pactolus in the city.

[Falls a coughing. Maria. Very like.

Maria. Dear heart! I should like to have a G. Phil. But you never heard of a poet as scene with him. rich as he.

Sir Jas. Iley! what's in the wind now? This Maria. As who?

won't take-My girl shall have fair play. No G. Phil. Pactolus-He was a great Jew mer-old fellow shall totter to her bed! What say you, chant-lived in the ward of Farringdown-with-my girl, will you rock bis cradle?

Maria. Sir, I have on small doubt-Pray, Maria. Pactolus a Jew merchant! Pactolus is can I have two husbands at a time? a river.

G. Phil. There's a question now! She is G. Phil. A river!

grown foolish again. Maria. Yes -don't you understand geo Old Phil. Fair lady, the law of the landgraphy?

Sir Jas. Hold ye, hold ye ! let me talk of law; G. Phil. The girl's crazy!

I know the law better nor any on ye-Two busMaria. Oh! sir, if you don't understand geo- bands at once-No, no! Men are scarce, and graphy, you are nobody. I understand geography, that's downright poaching. and I understand orthography; you know I told Muria. I am sorry for it, sir. For then I can't you I can write-and I can dance too--will you marry him, I see. dance a minuet?

[Sings and dances. Sir Jus. Why not? G. Phil. You shan't lead me a dance, I pro

Maria, I am contracted to another.

Sir Jas. Contracted ! to whom? Maria. Ob! very well, sir-you refuse me Maria. To Mr. Beaufort—that gentleman, sir. remember you'll hear immediately of my being Old Phil. That gentleman?' married to another, and then you'll be ready to

Beau. Yes, sir. (Throws opens his gown.] My hang yourself.

name is Beaufort. And, I hope, Sir Jasper, wben G. Phil. Not I, I promise you.

you consider my fortune, and my real affection Maria. Oh! very well, very well

for your daughter, you will generously forgive member -mark my words. I'll do it, you the stratagem I have made use of. shall see-Ha, ha!

Sir Jas. Master Quagmire! What, are you [Runs off in a fit of laughing young Beaufort all this time? G. Phil. Marry you! I would as soon carry

Old Phil. That won't do, sir; that won't take. my wife to live in Bow-street, and write over the Beau. But it must take, sir! You have signed door, Philpot's punch-house.'

the deeds for your daughter's marriage ; and Enter Old Pulpor and Sir JASPER.

Sir Jasper by this instruinent has made me bis

son-in-law. Sir Jas. (Singing.] So rarely, so bravely we'll Old Phil. How is this, how is this! Then, Sir hunt him over the downs, and we'll hoop and Jasper, you will agree to cancel the deeds, I supwe'll halloo! Gee us your hand young gentle- pose? for


knowman; well, what zay ye to un now? Ben't she a

Sir Jas. Catch me at that, an ye can! I fulclever girl?

filled my promise, and your son refused, and so G. Phil. A very extraordinary girl indeed! the wench has looked out slyly for herself else

Sir Jas. Did not I tell un 20-ihen you have where. Did I not tell you she was a clever girl! nothing to do but to consummate as soon as I ben't ashamed o’iny girl-Our Moll, you have

done no harm, and Mr. Beaufort is welcome to G. Phil. No; you may keep her, sir-I thank you with all my heart. I'll stand to what I have you. I'll have nothing to do with her.

signed, though you have taken me by surprise. Old Phil. What's the matter now, George? Wild. Bravo! my scheme has succeeded rarely! G. Phil. Pho! she's a wit.

Old Phil. And so here I am bubbled and Şir Jas. Ay, I told un zo.

choused out of my money--George, George, what G. Phil. And that's worse than t'other. I am

a day's work have we made of it! Well, if it off, sir.

niust be so, be it so. I desire, young gentleman, Sir Jas. Odds heart! I am afraid you are no you will come and take my daughter away to-mor

row morning, And, I'll tell you what-here, bere Enter Maria.

- take my family watch into the bargain ; and I Maria. Well, papa, the gentleman won't have wish it may play you just such another trick as it

has me; that's all-i'll never go intriguing with Old Phil. The numskull won't do as his father a family-watch again. bids himn; and so, Sir Jasper, with your consent, Maria. Well, sir! [To G. Phil.) What do I'll make a proposal to the young lady myself. you think of me now? A'u't I a connoisseur, sir? Muria. How! what does he say


and a virtuoso ? Ha, ha! Old Phil. I am in the prime of my days, and

G. Phil. Yes! and much good may't do your I can be a brisk lorer still! Fair lady, a glanc husband! I have been connoisseured among ve to

you will,

great wit.


some purpose-Bubbled at play ; duped by my Sir Jas. They shan't go zo, neither—they shall wench; cudgelled by a rake; langhed at by a stay and crack a bottle. [Exit after them. girl ; detected by my father-and there is the Maria. Well, brother, how have I played my sum total of all I have got at this end of the part ? town.

Wild. Old Phil. This end of the town! I desire Beau. S

To a miracle ! never to see it again while I live-I'll pop into Maria, Have 1? I don't know how that is a hackney-coach this moment, drive to Alincinglane, and never venture back to this side of Love urged me on to try all wily arts Temple-bar.

[Going To win your-[To Beav.] No! not yoursG. Phil. And, sir, sir! Shall I drive you?

To win your hearts ; [To the Audience. Old Phil. Ay; you or any body. [Erit. Your hearts to win is now my aim alone ; G. Phil. I'll overturn ihe old hocus at the first There if I grow, the harvest is your own. (Following hirn.

(Eseunt omnes.


[merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small]

SCENE I.-Drugger's Country House. Dim. An interest in a fiddlestick! you ought

to have made love to the father and motherEnter WOODLEY and Dimity. what, do you think the way to get a wife, at this

time of day, is by speaking fine things to the lady Dim. Pho, pho! no such thing !—I tell you, you have a fancy for!—That was the practice, Mr. Woodley, you are a mere novice in these indeed; but things are altered now—you ti usc affairs !

address the old people, sir; and never trouble Wood. Nay, but listen to reason, Mrs. Dimity; your head about your mistress—None of your has not your master, Mr. Drugget, invited me letters, and verses, and soft looks, and fine down to his country seat, in order to give me his speeches— Have compassion, thou angelic creadaughter Nancy in marriage? and with what ture, on a poor dying?—Pshaw! stuff! nonsense ! pretence can he now break off?

all out of fashion-go your ways to the old curDim. What pretence !-you put a body out of mudgeon; humour his whims-'I shall esteem all patience—But go on your own way, sir; my it an honour, sir, to be allied to a gentleman of advice is all lust upon you.

your rank and taste.' Upon my word, he's a Ilood. You do me injustice, Mrs. Dimity, pretty young gentleman.' Then, wheel about to your advice bas governed my whole conduct- the mother : * Your daughter, madam, is the very Have not I fixed an interest in the young lady's model of you, and I shall adore her for your hcart?

sake.'' Here, come bither, Nancy, take this gen

« PreviousContinue »