Beau. Well done, Beaufort! thus far you have played your part, as if you had been of the pimplenose family of Furnival's-inn.

Enter SIR JASPER, with OLD PHILPOT and G.
PHILPOT.

Sir Jas. Master Philpot, I be glad you are come: this man here has so plagued me with his ley! but now we'll have no more about it, but sign the papers at once.

Old Phut. Sir Jasper, twenty thousand pounds, you know, is a great deal of money—I should not give you so much, if it was not for the sake of your daughter's marrying my son; so that, if you will allow me discount for prompt payment, I will pay the money down.

G. Phil. Sir, I must beg to see the young lady once more before I embark; for to be plain, sir, she appears to be a mere natural.

Sir Jas. I'll tell you what, youngster, I find my girl is a notable wench—and here, here's zon Bob.

Enter YOUNG WILDING.

Sir Jas. Bob, gee us your hand-I have finished the business-and zo now-here, here, here's your vather-in-law.

Old Phil. Of all the birds in the air, is that he? [Aside. G. Phil. He has behaved like a relation to me already. [Aside. Sir Jus. Go to un, man- -that's your vather

Wild. This is the strangest accident-Sir-Sir [Stifling a laugh.] I-I-sir-upon iny soul, I can't stand this. [Bursts out a laughing. Old Phil. I deserve it! I deserve to be laughed at. [Aside. G. Phil. He has shown his regard to his sister's family already. [Aside.

Sir Jas. What's the matter, Bob? I tell you this is your vather-in-law-[ Pulls OLD PHILPOT to him.] Master Philpot, that's Bob-Speak to un Bob-Speak to un

Wild. Sir-I-I am [Stifles a laugh.] I say, sir-I am, sir-extremely proud-ot—of— G. Phil. Of having beat me, I suppose?

[Aside.

Wild. Of the honour, sir-of-of-[Laugh. G. Phil. Ay; that's what he mears. [Aside. Wild And, sir-I-I-this opportunity-1 cannot look him in the face- -[Bursts out into a laugh.] ha, ha! I cannot stay in the room

G. Phil. Hy! thare now he is hearing the whole affair, and is laughing at me.

Sir Jas. Ha, ha! Poh, never mind it—a did not hurt un.

Old Phil. It's all discovered.

Sir Jus. Ha, ha!-I told ye zon Bob could Christendom-ha, ha! never mind it, man; Bob find a hare squat upon her form with any he in meant no harm-Here, here, Bob-here's your vather, and there's your brother-I should like to have zeen un under the table! Wild. Gentlemen, your most obedient.

[Stifling a laugh. Old Phil. Sir, your servant- -He has licked -and I forgive him. George wellSir Jas. Well, young gentleman, which way mind now?

is

your

G. Phil. Why, sir, to be plain, I find your daughter an idiot.

Sir Jas. Zee her again, then-zee her again
-Here, you, sirrah, send our Moll hither.
Ser. Yes, sir.

Sir Jas. Very well, then ; we'll go into t'other room, crack a bottle, and settle matters there; and leave un together-Hoic! hoic!Our Moll-Tally over.

Maria. No, sir; by no means- -Ha, ha, ha! G. Phil. Let me tell you, miss, I don't understand being treated thus.

Maria. Sir, I can't possibly help it-I-I

Ha, ha!

G. Phil. I shall quit the room, and tell your papa, if you go on thus.

[Going. Sir Jas. Why, the volks are all mad, I believe you shall stay, Bob; you shall stay. [Holds him. Maria. Sir, I beg your pardon a thousand Wild. Sir, I-I cannot possiblytimes-I am but a giddy girl-I can't help it—I [Whispers his father.-I-Ha, ha! Old Phil. George! George! what a woeful figure do we make? G. Phil. Bad enough, of all conscience, sir. Sir Jas. An odd adventure, Bob!

[Laughs heartily.

G. Phil. Madam, this is downright insult! Maria. Sir, you look somehow or other-I don't know how, so comically-Ha, ha, ha!

G. Phil. Did you never see a gentleman dressed before?

Maria. Never like you-I beg your pardon, sir-Ha, ha, ha!

G. Phil. Now, here is an idiot in spirits-I tell you, this is your ignorance-I am dressed in high taste.

Maria. Yes; so you are

-Ha, ha, ha! G. Phil. Will you have done laughing? Maria. Yes, sir, I will-I will-therethere-there- -I have done.

G. Phil. Do so then, and behave yourself a little sedately.

Maria. I will, sir;-I won't look at him, and then I shan't laugh[Aside.

G. Phil. Let me tell you, miss, that nobody understands dress better than I do.

Maria. Ha, ha, ha!

G. Phil. She's mad, sure!

Maria. No, sir, I am not mad-I have done sir-I have done-I assure you, sir, that nobody is more averse from ill manners, and would take greater pains not to affront a gentleman—Ha, ha, ha!

G. Phil. Again? Zounds! what do you mean? you'll put me in a passion, I can tell you, presently.

Maria. I can't help it—indeed I can't-Beat me if you will, but let me laugh—I can't help it, Ha, ha, ha!

G. Phil. I never met with such usage in my life.

Maria. I shall die!-Do, sir, let me laughIt will do me good-Ha, ha, ha!

[Sits down in a fit of laughing. G. Phil. If this is your way, I won't stay a moment longer in the room-I'll go this moment and tell your father.

Maria. Sir, sir, Mr. Philpot, don't be so hasty, sir-I have done, sir; it's over now-1 have had my laugh out—I am a giddy girl-but I'll be grave. I'll compose myself, and act a different scene with him from what I did in the morning. I have all the materials of an impertinent wit, and I will now twirl him about the room, like a boy setting up his top with his finger and [Aside. G. Phil. Miss, I think you told me you could read and write?

thumb.

Maria. Read, sir! Reading is the delight of
-Do you love reading, sir!

my life

G. Phil. Prodigiously-How pert she is grown! -I have read very little, and I'm resolved, for the future, to read less. [Aside.] What have you read, miss?

Maria. Every thing.

G. Phil. You have?

Maria. Yes, sir, I have.

Disconcerted.

Maria. Mark again, mark again: The fool of nature stood with stupid eyes, And gaping mouth, that testified surprise. [He looks foolish, she laughs at him. G. Phil. I must take care how I speak to her; she is not the fool I took her for. [Aside.

Maria. You seem surprised, sir; but this is my way-I read, sir, and then I apply-I have read every thing: Suckling, Waller, Milton, Dryden, Lansdowne, Gay, Prior, Swift, Addison, Pope, Young, Thomson.

G. Phil. Hey! the devil-what a clack is here! [He walks across the stage. Maria. [Following him eagerly.] Shakespeare, Fletcher, Otway, Southerne, Rowe, Congreve, Wicherly, Farquhar, Cibber, Vanbrugh, Steel, in short every body; and I find them all wit, fire, vivacity, spirit, genius, taste,imagination,raillery, humour, character, and sentiment, Well done, Miss Notable! you have played your part like a young actress, in high favour with the town.

[Aside.

G. Phil. Her tongue goes like a water-mill!

[Aside.

Maria. What do you say to me now, sir? G. Phil. Say! I don't know what the devil to say. [Aside. Maria. What's the matter, sir? Why, you look as if the stocks were fallen-or like London bridge at low water, or like a waterman when the Thames is frozen; or like a politician without news; or like a prude without scandal; or like a great lawyer without a brief; or like some lawyers with one-or

G. Phil. Or like a poor devil of a husband henpecked by a wit, and so say no more of that. What a capricious piece here is! [Aside. Maria. Oh, fie! you have spoiled all; I had not half done.

G. Phil. There is enough of all conscience. You may content yourself.

Maria. But I can't be so easily contented-I

G. Phil. Oh! brave!-and do you remember like a simile half a mile long. what you read, Miss?

Maria. Not so well as I could wish-Wits

have short memories.

G. Phil. Oh! you are a wit too?
Maria. I am and do you know that I feel

myself provoked to a simile now?

G. Phil. I see you do.

Maria. Oh! And I make verses too-verses like an angel-off hand-extempore. Can you give me an extempore?

G. Phil. What does she mean? No, Miss-I have never a one about me.

Maria. You can't give me an extempore-Oh!

G. Phil. Frovoked to a simile! Let us hear it.
Maria. What do you think we are both like? | for shame, Mr. Philpot! I love an extempore of

G. Phil. A river!

Maria. Yes--don't you understand geography?

G. Phil. The girl's crazy!

Maria. Oh! sir, if you don't understand geography, you are nobody. I understand geography, and I understand orthography; you know I told you I can write-and I can dance too--will you dance a minuet? [Sings and dances.

G. Phil. You shan't lead me a dance, I promise you.

Maria. Oh! very well, sir-you refuse meremember you'll hear immediately of my being married to another, and then you'll be ready to hang yourself.

of your eye is like the returning sun in the spring
-it melts away the frost of age, and gives a new
warmth and vigour to all nature.
[Falls a coughing.

Maria. Dear heart! I should like to have a scene with him.

Sir Jas. Hey! what's in the wind now? This won't take-My girl shall have fair play. No old fellow shall totter to her bed! What say you, my girl, will you rock his cradle?

Maria. Sir, I have on small doubt-Pray, can I have two husbands at a time?

G. Phil. There's a question now! She is grown foolish again.

Old Phil. Fair lady, the law of the landSir Jas. Hold ye, hold ye! let me talk of law; I know the law better nor any on ye-Two husbands at once-No, no! Men are scarce, and that's downright poaching.

Maria. I am sorry for it, sir. For then I can't marry him, I see.

Sir Jus. Why not?

Maria. I am contracted to another.
Sir Jas. Contracted! to whom?
Maria. To Mr. Beaufort—that gentleman, sir.
Old Phil. That gentleman ?

Beau. Yes, sir. [Throws opens his gown.] My name is Beaufort. And, I hope, Sir Jasper, when G. Phil. Not I, I promise you. you consider my fortune, and my real affection Maria. Oh! very well, very wellfor ·re- your daughter, you will generously forgive member-- -mark my words. I'll do it, you the stratagem I have made use of. shall see-Ha, ha!

[Runs off in a fit of laughing. G. Phil. Marry you! I would as soon carry my wife to live in Bow-street, and write over the door, Philpot's punch-house.'

Enter ОLD PHILPOT and SIR JASPER.

Sir Jas. [Singing.] So rarely, so bravely we'll hunt him over the downs, and we'll hoop and we'll halloo! Gee us your hand young gentleman; well, what zay ye to un now? Ben't she a clever girl?

G. Phil. A very extraordinary girl indeed! Sir Jas. Did not I tell un zo-then you have nothing to do but to consummate as soon as you will.

G. Phil. No; you may keep her, sir-I thank you. I'll have nothing to do with her.

Old Phil. What's the matter now, George?
G. Phil. Pho! she's a wit.
Sir Jas. Ay, I told un zo.

G. Phil. And that's worse than t'other. I am off, sir.

Sir Jas. Odds heart! I am afraid you are no great wit.

me.

Enter MARIA.

Maria. Well, papa, the gentleman won't have

Old Phil. The numskull won't do as his father bids him; and so, Sir Jasper, with your consent, I'll make a proposal to the young lady myself. Maria. How! what does he say?

Old Phil. I am in the prime of my days, and I can be a brisk lover still! Fair lady, a glanc

Sir Jas. Master Quagmire! What, are you young Beaufort all this time?

Old Phil. That won't do, sir; that won't take. Beau. But it must take, sir! You have signed the deeds for your daughter's marriage; and Sir Jasper by this instrument has made me his son-in-law.

Old Phil. How is this, how is this! Then, Sir Jasper, you will agree to cancel the deeds, I suppose? for you know

Sir Jas. Catch me at that, an ye can! I fulfilled my promise, and your son refused, and so the wench has looked out slyly for herself elsewhere. Did I not tell you she was a clever girl? I ben't ashamed o' my girl-Our Moll, you have done no harm, and Mr. Beaufort is welcome to you with all my heart. I'll stand to what I have signed, though you have taken me by surprise.

Wild. Bravo! my scheme has succeeded rarely! Old Phil. And so here I am bubbled and choused out of my money-George, George, what a day's work have we made of it! Well, if it must be so, be it so. I desire, young gentleman, you will come and take my daughter away to-merrow morning, And, I'll tell you what-here, bere -take my family watch into the bargain; and I wish it may play you just such another trick as it has me; that's all-I'll never go intriguing with a family-watch again.

Maria. Well, sir! [To G. PHIL.] What do you think of me now? A'n't I a connoisseur, sir? and a virtuoso? Ha, ha!

G. Phil. Yes! and much good may't do your husband! I have been connoisseured among ve to

SCENE I.-DRUGGET's Country House.

ACT I.

Enter WOODLEY and DIMITY.
Dim. Pho, pho! no such thing!-I tell you,
Mr. Woodley, you are a mere novice in these
affairs!

Dim. An interest in a fiddlestick! you ought to have made love to the father and motherwhat, do you think the way to get a wife, at this time of day, is by speaking fine things to the lady you have a fancy for?-That was the practice, indeed; but things are altered now-you must address the old people, sir; and never trouble your head about your mistress-None of your letters, and verses, and soft looks, and fine speeches- Have compassion, thou angelic creature, on a poor dying'-Pshaw ! stuff! nonsense! all out of fashion-go your ways to the old curmudgeon; humour his whims -'I shall esteem it an honour, sir, to be allied to a gentleman of your rank and taste.' Upon my word, he's a Wood. You do me injustice, Mrs. Dimity-pretty young gentleman.' Then, wheel about to your advice has governed my whole conductHave not I fixed an interest in the young lady's heart?

Wood. Nay, but listen to reason, Mrs. Dimity; has not your master, Mr. Drugget, invited me down to his country seat, in order to give me his daughter Nancy in marriage? and with what pretence can he now break off?

Dim. What pretence !—you put a body out of all patience-But go on your own way, sir; my advice is all lost upon you.

the mother: Your daughter, madam, is the very model of you, and I shall adore her for your sake.'' Here, come hither, Nancy, take this gen