as hard as we could lay leg to ground-made running every inch; but at the first loose, I felt for him, found I had the foot-knew my bottom -pull'd up-pretended to dig and cut-all fudge all fudge, my dear; gave the signal to pond, to lay it on thick-had the whip hand all the way lay with my nose in his flank, under the wind thus, snug, snug, my dear, quite in hand; while Riot was digging and lapping, right and left-but it would not do, my dear, against foot, bottom, and head; so within a hundred yards of the distance post, poor Dick knock'd up as stiff as a turnpike, and left me to canter in by myself, and to touch them all round; for I took all the odds, split me-Ha! Wasn't I right?— Ha! took the odds. Ay, ay, took all the odds, my dear.

Omnes. Ha, ha, ha!

Sir A. Weel, it is wonderful to think to what a pitch of axcellence oor nobeelity are arrived at in the art of sporting ;-I believe we axcel aw the nobeelity in Europe in that science, especially in jockeyship.

Groom. Sir Archy, I'll tell you what I will do -I will start a horse, fight a main, hunt a pack of hounds, ride a match, or a fox chace, drive a set of horses, or hold a toast, with any nobleman in Europe, for a thousand cach-and I say done first, damn me.

Omnes. Ha, ha, ha!

Sir A. Why I know ye wull, and I will gang yeer hoves. Why, madam, the squire is the keenest sportsman in aw Europe: madam, there is naithing comes amis tull him; he will fish, or fowl, or hunt-he hunts every thing; every thing, frai the flee i'the blonket to the elephant in the forest.—He is at aw-a perfect Nimrod; are ye not, squere?

Omnes. Ha, ha, ha!

Groom. Yes, damn me, I am a Nimrod, madam ; at all, at all-any thing, any thing,-Why I ran a snail with his grace, the other day, for five hundred-nothing in it-won it hollow, above half a horn's length.

Sir A. By above half a horn's length, that was hollow indeed, squire.

Groom. O, devilish hollow.

Sir A. But where is Sir Callaghan aw this time?

Groom. Oh! he's with Sir Theodore, who is joking him about his drinking bumpers with me, and his passion for you, madam.

Sir A. Ye mun ken gentlemen, this lady and I hai laid a scheme to hai a leetle sport with Sir Callaghan-now, if ye wool stoop behind that screen and promise to be silent, I'll gang and fetch him, and ye shall bear him make love as fierce as any hero in a tragedy.

Groom. Sir Archy, I'll be as silent as a hound at fault.

Sir A. Then do ye retire, madain, and come in tull him, as if ye came on purpose-I'll fetch him in an instant.

Char. I shall be ready, Sir Archy.

[Exit.

Sir A. Speak bawldly, man; ye ken the old proverb, Faint heart

6

Sir C. That is true- never won fair lady.'-Yes I think now I have got a bumper or two, I may tell her my passion, and bring the point to an ecclaircissement.

Sir A. Ay, that's reeght, mon! steek to that, she wull be wi' ye in a twankling.-Yeer servant, I wish yee guid success. [Erit.

Sir C. Sir Archy, your servant! Well, now what am I to do in this business?—I know it is a great scandal for a soldier to be in love in time of war-I strive to keep her out of my mind, but can't; the more I strive to do it, the more she comes in. I am upon the forlorn hope here, so must e'en make my push with vigour at once.

Enter CHARLOTTE.

Char. Sir Callaghan, your servant.

Sir C. Madam, I humbly beg your pardon, for not seeing of you sooner; but I was spaking a soliloquy to myself about your ladyship, and that kept me from observing you.

Char. Sir Theodore told me you wanted to speak to me upon some particular business.

Sir C. Why, look you, madam, for my part I was never born or bred in a school of compliments, where they learn fine bows, and fine speeches; but in an academy, where heads, and legs, and arms, and bullets, dance country dances without the owner's leave; just as the fortune of war directs. Therefore, madam, all that I can say to you is, that your eyes have made me a prisoner of war, that Cupid has made a garrison of my heart, and kept me to devilish hard duty; and if you don't relieve me, I shall be a dead inan before I come to action.

Omnes. Ha, ha, ha!

Char. Upon one condition I will, which is, that you will do me the favour to let me hear you sing it.

Sir C. O dear madam, don't ax me; it is a foolish song, a mere bagatelle

Char. Nay, I must insist upon hearing it, as you expect or value the smiles, or fear the frowns of your mistress; for by your poetry I shall judge of your passion.

Sir C. Then, madam, you shall have it, if it were ten times worse-hem, hem !-fal, lal, la! ha! I don't know how I shall come about the right side of my voice.

Sir A. Ay, ay, noo for it, noo yee shall hear sic a song as has nai been penn'd sin the time they first clepp'd the wings and tails of the wild

Irish.

[Aside.

Sir A. Hush! softly, donna let him see us; steal off, steal off-he is an axcellent droll fellow; a deevilish comical cheeld.

[Exeunt SIR ARCHY, GROOM, and MORDECAI

Char, Well, Sir Callaghan, your poetry is excellent; nothing can surpass it but your singing.

Sir C. Look'e, madam, to come to the point: I know I can't talk fine courtship, and love and nonsense, like other men, for I don't speak from my tongue, but my heart; so that if

|

you can take up your quarters for life with a man of honour, a sincere lover, and an Lonest Prussian soldier, now is your time, I am your man: what do you say, madam? Come, speak the word boldly, and take me to your

arms.

Char. Ha, ha, ha! don't be so violent, Sir Callaghan-but say a lady were inclined to do herself the honour of going before a priest with you, I suppose you would have so much complaisance for your mistress, as to quit your trade of war, and live at home with her, where she to request it of you.

Sir C. Why, look you, madam, I will deal with you, like a man of honour in that point too, and let you into a secret. I have received the king my master's money (and a brave king he is I assure you (for above seventeen years, when I had none of my own; and now I am come to a title and fortune, and that he has need of my service, I think it would look like a poltroon to leave him ;—no, madam, it is a rule with me never to desert my king, or my friend in dis tress.

Char. Your sentiment is great, I confess: I like your principles; they are noble, and most heroic, but a little too military for me-ha, ha, ha! [Erit.

Sir C. What! does she decline the battle? Well, then, I'll not quit the field yet, tho'; I'll reconnoitre her once more, and if I can't bring her to action, why, then, I'll break up the camp at once, ride post to Germany to-morrow morn ing, and so take my leave in a passion, without saying a word. [Exit,

Enter SIR ARCHY and MORDECAI.

Morde. Pr'ythee, what is the meaning of all this, Sir Archy? the house seems to be in the possession of bailiffs, and Sir Theodore looks and speaks as if an carthquake had just happened.

Sir A. Yeer conjecture is vary reeght, Mr. Mordecai, 'tis aw over wi' bim-he is undone— a baggar, and so is the girl.

Morde. You astonish me.

Sir A. It is an unexpected business; but 'tis a tact, I assure ye; here he is himsel, poor deevil, hoo dismal he leuks.

Enter SIR THEODORE and an Attorney.

Sir T. You are the attorney concerned for the creditors, Mr. Atkins?

Attor. I am, Sir Theodore, and am extremely sorry for the accident.

Sir T. I am obliged to you, sir, you do but your duty: the young lady is that way, sir; if you will step to her, I'll follow you. [Erit Attorney.] I hope you will excuse me, Sir Archy-this is a sudden and unhappy affair; I am unfit for company; I must go, and open it myself to poor Charlotte.

[Erit."

contaminating the blood of Macsarcasm wi' any thing sprung frai a hogshead, or a counting hoose. I assure yee my passion for yee is meeghty strong, madam, but I cannot bring disgrace upon an honourable family.

can answer.

Morde. But how is this to affect the young lady?

Sir A. Why, sir, the greatest part of her fortune was in trade, it seems, with Sir Theodore and his partner; besides the suit in Chancery, that she had wi' the company, for above forty thoosand poonds, has been determined against her this very day, so that they are aw undone. Baggars! baggars!

Morde. I understood that the affair was clearly in her favour.

Sir A. O, sir, ye do na ken the law-the law is a sort of hocus pocus science, that smiles in yeer face while it picks yeer pocket and the glorious uncertainty of it is of mair use to the professors than the justice of it—Here the parties come, and seemingly in great affliction.

Enter SIR THEODORE, and CHARLOTTE.

Char. Dear sir, be patient, moderate your sorrow; it may not be so terrible as your apprehensions make it ; pray, bear up.

Sir T. For myself I care not. But that you should be involved in my ruin, left fortuneless, your fair expectation of a noble alliance blasted! your dignity and affluence fallen to scorn and penury.

Char. It cannot prove so bad, sir; I will not despair, nor shall you,-for tho' the law has been so hard against me, yet, in spite of all its wiles and treachery, a competency will still remain, which shall be devoted to mitigate your misfortunes. Besides, Sir Archy Macsarcasm is a man of honour, and on his promise and assistance I will rely.

Sir A. Wool ye ye may as weel rely upon the assistance of the Philosopher's stone; what the deevil, would she marry me to make me tinker up the fortunes ofbroken ceetezens. But I will speak till them, and end the affair at once. I am concerned to see you in this disorder, Sir Theodore.

Char. O, Sir Archy, if all the vows of friendship, honour, and eternal love, which you have so often made me, were not composed of idle breath, and deceitful ceremony, now let their truth be seen.

Sir A. Madam, I am sorry to be the messenger of ill teedings, but aw our connection is at an end; oor hoose hai heard of my addresses till you; and I hai had letters frai the dukes, the marquis, and aw the dignitaries of the fameely, remonstrating, nay expressly proheebeting my

Char. No more-your apology is baser than perfidy: there is no truth, no virtue in

Sir A. Guid truth, nor in woman neither that has nai fortune. But here is Mordecainow, madam-a wandering Israelite, a casualty -a mere casualty, sprung frai annuities, bulls, bubbles, bears, and lottery tickets, and can hai nai family objactions; he is passionately fond of yee; and till this off-pring of accident and mammon I resign my interest in ye.

Morde. Sir, I am infinitely obliged to you; -but-a-matrimony is a subject I have never thoroughly considered, and I must take some time to deliberate, before I determine upon that inextricable business. Besides, madam, I assure you, my affairs are not in a matrimonial situation,

Char. No apology, sir, begone-I despise them and you.

Enter SQUIRE GROOM.

Groom. Haux! haux! What's the matter here? What is all this? What are we all at fault? Is this true, Sir Theodore?—I hear that you and the filly are both run on the wrong side of the post.

Sir T. It is too true; but, I hope, sir, that will make no alteration in your affection.

Groom. Hark ye, Sir Theodore, I always make my match according to the weight my thing can carry. When I offered to take her into my stable, she was sound, and in good case

but I hear her wind is touched; if so I would not back her for a shilling. I'll take her into my stud if you please.-She has a good fore hand, sets both her ends well, has good paces, a good deal of fashion, some blood, and will do well enough to breed out of-but she cannot carry weight sufficient to come through.-Matrimony, Sir Theodore, is a cursed long course, devilish heavy, and sharp turnings ;-it won't do-can't come through, iny dear, can't come through.

Sir A. I think, squire, you judge vary neecely. Noo, in my thoughts, the best thing the lady can do is to snap the Irishman.

Morde. Well observ'd, Sir Archy.

Groom. Macsarcasm has an excellent nose, and hits off a fault as well as any hound I ever follow'd.

Sir A. It woold be a deevelish lucky match for her. The fellow has a guid fortune, is a great blockhead, and looves her vehemently; three as guid qualities for a matrimonial bubble, as a lady in her circumstances woold wish. Suap him, snap him, madam.

Morde. Hush! he's here.

Enter SIR CALLAGHAN.

Sir A. Ha! my guid freend, Sir Callaghan, I kiss your hond; I hai been speaking till the lady in your beholf, wi' aw the eloquence I hai; she is enamoor'd o' yeer person, and yee are just come i' the nick to receive her heart and her hond.

Sir C. By the honour of a soldier, madam, I shall think that a greater happiness than any that fortune can bestow upon me.

Sir A. Come, come, madam, true love is impatient, and despises ceremony; gi' him yeer hond at once.

Char. No, sir, I scorn to deceive a man who offers me his heart: tho' my fortune is ruin'd, my mind is untainted; even poverty shall not pervert it to principles of baseness.

Sir C. Fortune ruin'd! Pray, Sir Theodore, what does the importance of all this language mean?

Sir T. The sad meaning is, Sir Callaghan, that, in the circuit of fortune's wheel, the lady's station is reversed; she, who some hours since was on the highest round, is now degraded to the lowest: this, sir, has turned the passion these gentlemen professed for her into scorn and ridicule; and I suppose will cool the fervency of yours.

Sir C. Sir Theodore, I assure you, I am heartily glad of her distress.

Sir T. Sir!

Sir C. When she was computed to have a hundred thousand pounds, I lov'd her 'tis true, but it was with fear and trembling, like a inan that loves to be a soldier, yet is afraid of a gun; because I look'd upon myself as an unequal match to her: but now she is poor, and that it is in my power to serve her, I find something warm about my heart here, that tells me, I love her better than when she was rich, and makes me beg she will take my life this instant, and all I have into her service.

Sir T. Generous indeed, Sir Callaghan, Sir C. Madam, my fortune is not much, but it is enough to maintain a couple of honest hearts, and have something to spare for the necessities of a friend; which is all we want, and all that fortune is good for.

Sir T. Here, take her, sir; she is yours; and, what you first thought her, mistress of a noble fortune.

Groom. What!

Morde. How's this!

[Aside.

one word you say. First she has a fortune,

then she has no fortune-and then she has a great fortune again! this is just what the little jackanapes about town call humbugging a man.

Sir T. Sir, I am serious.

Sir C. And pray, what are you, madam? Are you in serious too, or in joke!

Char. Such as I am, sir, if you dare venture upon me for life, I am yours.

Sir C. By the integrity of my honour, madam, I will venture upon you not only for life, but for death too! which is a great deal longer than life, you know.

Sir T. I hope, nephew, you will excuse the deceit of my feign'd bankruptcy, and the pretended ruin of the lady's fortune; it was a scheme devis'd to detect the illiberal, selfish views of prodigals, who never address the fair but as the mercenary lure attracts—a scheme to try and reward your passion, which hath shown itself proof against the time's infection.

Sir C. Faith then, it was no bad piece of generalship in you, But now she has surren dered herself prisoner of war, I think I have a right to lay her under contribution-for your kisses are lawful plunder, and mine by the laws

of love.

Char. O, Sir Callaghan, you take away my breath.

Sir C. O you are a clever little creature. Upon my honour, her breath is as sweet as the sound of a trumpet.

Groom. Why, the knowing ones are all taken in here-double distanc'd; zounds! she has run a crimp upon us.

Morde. She has jilted us confoundedly. Sir A. By the cross of St. Andrew I'll be revenged; for I ken a lad of an honourable fameely, that understands the auncient classicks in aw their perfaction, he is writing a comedy, and he shall insinuate baith their characters intill it.

Morde. And I will write a satire upon her, in which she shall have an intrigue with a life guard man, and an opera singer.

Groom. I can't write; but I tell you what I'll do, I'll poison her parrot, and cut off her squirrel's tail, damn me,

Sir C. Pray, Sir Theodore, what does all this mean? Are you in jest, or in earnest? By my honour, I don't know how to believe

2

Sir A. Hut away, hut away, Sir Callaghan, donna talk in that idle mainer, sir-oor swords are as sharp and as responsible as the swords of other men. But this is nai time for sic maiters,

ye hai got the lady, and we hai got the wullows-I am sorry for the little Girgishite here, because he hais bespoke his nuptial chariot, and aw his leeveries;-and upon honour, I am verry sorry for my vary guid friend the squeere-the lady's fortune would have been very convenient till him, for, I fancy, he is fetlock deep in the turf; and, upon honour, I am sorry for the

lady, for she has miss'd being match'd intill the house of Macsarcasm-which is the gratest loss of aw.

Sir C. The whole business together is something like the catastrophe of a stage play; where knaves and fools are disappointed, and honest men rewarded. [Exeunt omnes.