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Ail. A curse light on you ! what is it you
Dr. Last. Yes, it will be good for the cramp.
Ail. I've had an odd pain in the ball of my Pru. To tell you something, sir, if you won't foot all day; I don't know what it may turn to. Ay in a passion,
Dr. Last. I wish Miss Nancy would come, Ail. Well, tell it.
for I think we should prove agreeable, and we'd Pris. Lord, sir ! one does not know how to fix things directly; I'll settle whatever you please face you; you really frigliten me out of my upon her, for I have neither chick nor child, but wits.
my old mother, Ail. She won't speak now!
Ail, Here she is. Pru. Yes, sir, l-will speak. [Altering her tone.] There's Dr. Last below, as fine as a moun
Enter Nancy and PRUDENCE, tebank.
Ail. Daughter, go into your chamber; and I Nancy, this is Dr. Last. must beg of you, sir, to take your leave ; and
Dr. Last. No offence, miss, I hope? [Goes up pray let your friend know, that neither he, nor and kisses her.] I thinks, Mr. Ailwould, she's his substitute, need continue their visits for the very much like you, only she want's a scrap of future.
(Exit Nancy. colour; but I'll give her a bottle of stuff when Har. (Aside.] Well, my good old gentleman, we're married, that in three doses will make her you shall hear froin me again sooner than you cheeks as red as a rose. iinagine; for, since the way has been pointed
Ail. Why don't you speak to the doctor, out to me, I will make a bold push to drive this Nancy. quack out of the house.
Nan. I don't know what to say, sir.
Dr. Last. Let her alone, let her alone; we'll Enter Doctor Last, drest in a tawdry manner, -I fancy, Mr. Ailwould, we shall have very fine
talk fast enough, when we're better acquainted followed by a black boy.
children; I had three as beautiful babes by my Dr Last. Animpudent rascal has thrown a last spouse, as ever a woman brought into the dead cat into my chariot, and hit me such at world. douse on the nose, besides splatching me! Ail. I hope they're dead, doctor? Ail. Doctor Last
Dr. Last. Yes, yes; I told you a bit agone. Dr. Last. Mr. Ailwould—Sir, I pay you my Sweet pretty little angels!' they all lies in compliments-Pompey, bring the carriage for Pancridge church-yard with their poor dear me at six o'clock—and, do you hear ? call at mammy, Covent Garden market for the yerbs, and put
Ail. In Pancras church-yard. them into the boot.
Dr. Last. Yes, there's tomb-stones over every dil. Upon my word ! [Admiring Last.] Lord, one of them. Lord ! what an advantage dress is !
Ail. Tomb-stones ! Dr, Last. To tell you the truth, I got this suit
Dr. Last. Ay. of clothes a bargain : they belonged to a gentle.
Ail. Is there though? man who died under my hands.
Dr. Lust. Yes, what's the matter with you? Ail. Prudence, go and desire your young mis Ail. Heigh ho ! tress to come hither.
Dr. Lust. Have you got the cholic? Pru. Dr. Last-sir, your most obedient. Ail. No.
[Erit. Nan. Has any sudden illness seized you, sir? Ail. You impudent, saucy-,
Ail. No, only low spirits. I think somehow, Dr. Last, Never mind her; Lord ! she meant I shall be buried in Pancras church-yard myself
. no harm- I'm too good-natured to take notice Pru. Lord, sir ! how can you take such things of every trifle I'm one of the best natured fel-into your head ? lows, I believe that ever was born-Why, I'm
Ail. I wish there had been no talk about tomblike a dog in my own house; I never troubles stones. myself about nothing; all I desire is to see things
Pru. Here's my lady. handsome, and they give me whatever they
Enter Mrs. AILWOULD. please.
Ail, Well, I think my daughter will, in that Ail. Mrs. Ailwould, this is Dr. Last. respect, match you to a tittle, for she's as good Mrs. Ail. I have seen the doctor before, my natured a girl as lives.
dear; but what's the matter with you, eh? Dr. Lust. I'll tell you a thing you'll be glad Dr. Last. Nothing, madam, nothing; he has to hear ; I believe I shall come out with a new only got a little fit of the horrors : let him alone medicine in a day or two.
he'll come to himself again by and by. Ail. I'll take it - What is it?
Mrs. Ail. I hope, daughter-in-law, you are Dr. Last. Essence of cucumber,
sensible of the goodness of this gentleman, in taAil. Of cucumber!
king you without a portion ? Dr. Lust. Ay, for the heartburn.
Dr. Last. Yes, yes; and I hope my parson Ail. I'm very often troubled with that disor- proves agreeable to her. Have you seen my er; but will it be good for nothing else? picture, miss, that's in the expedition room at
Spring-gardens?-every one says it is monstrous be glad to provoke me to make you some imperlike nie. Take hier to see it, do, it will cost but tinent answer: but I tell you before-hand, I shall a shilling ; you'll easily know it-it's o'the same be careful not to give you that advantage over side with the image there—Venus the methodist, me. I thinks they call it.
Mrs. Ail. You don't know, my dear, that you Ail. Well, but, doctor, give me leave to ask are very silly. you, and don't be offended at my being a little Nan. Tis labour lost, madam; I shall make particular, on account of my girl; I know you no answer. have realized something considerable: but, how Mrs. Ail. You have a ridiculous pride about have you laid out your money? Have you ever a you—a vain self-sufficiency, which makes you scrap of land ?
shocking to every body. Dr. Lust, Why, as far as this here, there's my Nan. I tell you, madam. once more, it won't place by Hounslow, I bought it out and out; the do; I will preserve my temper in spite of you: whole concern costs me upwards of fifteen bun- and, to deprive you of all hopes of succeeding dred pounds, with my pond and my pigeon-house, against me, I'll take inyself out of your sight imand
mediately. Pru. Have you any fish in your pond, doctor? Ail. Harkye, Nancy, no more words; resolve
Dr. Last. No, my dear, it's not deep enough; to marry this gentleman within three days, or besides, its in the road, and I'm afraid they'd be I'll turn you out to starve in the streets. stole: but I have pigs and pigeons; and next
(Erit Nancy. sunimer I shall make a new reproach to my Mrs. Ail. A little impudent, saucy minx! house, with a fistula that will give us a view of Dr. Last. She has a purdigious deal of tongue all the gibbets upon the heath-then there's a for such a young crater! large running ditch that I'll make into a turpen Ail. My lamh, don't make yourself uneasy tine river.
about the baggage; I'll bring her to her senses, Ail. Come, Nancy, let me have the satisfac- I'll warrant you. tion of seeing you give your hand to Dr. Last. Mrs. Ail. Indeed, my dear, you don't know Nan. Sir
how I'm shocked at her behaviour. Ail. Nay, nay, no coying.
Ail. Are you shocked, love? Nan. Dear sir, let me beg of you not to be so Mrs. Ail. Yes, that I am, to the soul! I precipitate, but allow the gentleman and me thought she wanted to insinuate that I did not sufficient time to know one another, and try if love you, my dear; and any thing of that kind is our inclinations are mutual.
worse to me than ten thousand daggers ! Dr. Last. My inclinations are mutual, miss, Ail. She's going to faint. and not to be changed; for the fire of love, as I Dr. Last. Let me feel her pulse. may say, is shot from your
into Ail. A glass of water here! my heart: and I could say more - if it was not Dr. Last. No, no, give her a glass of cherry out of respect to the company.
brandy; I'm no friend to drenching Cliristians' Mrs. Ail. Perhaps, my dear, Miss Nancy has bowels with water, as if they were the tripes of fixed her inclinations somewhere else; and, like a brute beast. a dutiful daughter, made a choice for herself. Mrs. Ail. Mr. Ailwould, pernit me to go into
Nan. If I had, madam, it would be such a my own room a little, to recover myselt. one as neither reason nor honour would make Ail. Do so, my love. me ashamed of.
Dr. Last. And, do you hear, madam, tale a Mrs. Ail. But if I were in your papa's place, dram, as I bids you; a little rum and sugar, if miss, I would make you take the person
any in the house; that's what I genethought proper for your husband, or I know rally swallows, and I always find the good effects what I'd do.
[Erit Mrs. Ailworld. Nan. O, madam, nobody doubts your affection; but, perhaps, you may be baulked in the
Enter PRUDENCE. favour you design me.
Ail. Well, but stay; methinks I make but a Ail. How now? whimsical sort of a figure between you both. Pru. Sir, a gentleman, that says he comes
Nan. The duty of a daughter, madam, is not from your brother, Mr. Friendly, desires to see unlimited; and there are certain cases, to which
you. neither law nor reason can make it extend.
Ail. Who is he? what would he have? Mrs. Ail. That is to say, you are very willing
Pru. I don't know-He cuts a droll figure to be married, but you are not willing your fa- Here he is, sir. ther should have any hand in the matter?
Ail. Get out of the room.
Enter, Wag, in disguise. them.
Wag. Sir, I'm your most obedient. Mrs. Ail. Your insolence is insutferable, Ail. Your servant, sir. child!
Wag. By what I perceive, sir, I have not the Nan. I am very sensible, madam, you would I honour to be known to you—my name is Scorer
vir; and I am recommended by your brother, Dr. Last. Little fellow? What do you mean Mr. Friendly, and study the practice of physic. by that? Ail. Sir, your servant.
All. Nay, gentlemenWag. I observe you look very earnestly at me, Way. Come, come, let us mind our business. sir; what age
What does he say is the matter with you? Dr. Lust. Hold, let me tell him-What age Ail. Why, sir, he tel's me I've got the jaydare you of-You are about four-and-twenty, or dice. thereaways.
Wag. He's an ass ! Wag. By the Lord, I'm above fourscore! Dr. Last. Am I so? Dr. Lust. That's a damned lie, I'm sure ! Wag. Mr. Ailwould, look in my face. [Touch
Ail. Hold, doctor! perhaps he has lived alling him here and there with his fingers.] How do his life upon tincture of sage.
you find yourself? Wag. Saye! a fiddle! I have secrets myself Ail. Why, I don't know! I find myself some-. that will keep me alive these hundred years.
way odd. Dr. Last. I suspect this is the soldier that Wag: Just as I suspected: you have got the lives in the Old Bailey. You'll see how I'll make dropsy ! him expose himself. You say you're a doctor? Ail. Eb! the dropsy? who made you so?
Wag. Why, don't you see what a swelled Wug. Sir, I am a travelling doctor; and, at belly you have, and your eyes starting out of present, have the honour of heing physician in your head? ordinary to one emperor, four kings, three elec Ail. Really, doctor, I always thought you had tors, and I don't know how many prince palan- mistaken my disorder. tines, margraves, bishops, and vulgar highnesses; Dr. Last. He has no dropsy—he has not a passing from town to town, from kingdom to sup of water in him. Let him be tapped to try; kingdom, to find out patients worthy of my prac- I'll stand to his tapping. tice, and fit to exercise the great and noble se Wag: You are an ignoramus !-Let us hear * crets of my art. I scorn to amuse myself with little what are your complaints. the little fry of common distempers, the trifles of dil. I have every now and then a pain in my rheumatisms, scurvies, and megrims; give me head. your diseases of importance, good purple fevers, Wag. Dropsy. good pleurisies, with inflammations of the lungs : Arl. Sometimes a mist before my eyes. these are what please me; these are what I Wog. Dropsy. triumph over.
Ail. Sometimes a violent palpitation at my Dr. Last. Ax bim, can he bleed and draw heart. teeth?—I dare to say he knows nothing of chirur Wag. Dropsy. gery:
Ail. At other times I am taken with a violent Wag. Have you never heard of iny black pow- pain in my belly, as if it was the colic. der that is taken like snuff, and purges by the Wug. Dropsy again. You have a good appe. smell, provided that, at the same time, you tite to what you eat? swallow three large glasses of laxative tisan Ail. Yes, sir.
Dr. Lust. Then its the tisan that does it! Wag. Dropsy. Yov love to drink a glass of Mark that! 0! he's quite a cheat!
wine? Wag. Let me feel your pulse-Come, beat as Ail. Yes. you should do-[[Feeling his pulse in a ridiculous Wag. That's the dropsy. You take a commanner ; at the same time humming u tune.] fortable nap after dinner?
Ail. Why, sir, one would think you were play Ail. True, sir. ing upon the spinet?
Wag. Dropsy! dropsy! dropsy!-All dropsy! Wag. Even so, sir; for I do not, like other Dr. Last. Well, if it be can you cure him? physicians, with a watch in my hand, determine Wag: A quack like you would say, ay: but I the state of the pulse by thai fallible measurer sincerely tell the gentleman at once, he's a dead of time. Ail. How then?
Ail. Then, the Lord have mercy on me! Wag. By a tune; which, I believe, you will Wag. That is, I mean, he would be dead in allow to be a discovery new, and entirely my twenty-four hours, if I was not to help him; but own. If the pulse moves in concert with the I have the only remedy in the world for it. minuet in Ariadne, I am sure that the patient is Dr. Lust. Don't believe him; he's a cheat! well. Let me see, sir-Tol, lol, derol there we Ail. Give it to me; I'll take it, let it be what dropped a crotchet. Tol, lol, de-rol-there we it will. mounted a minum. Tol, lol, lol-aud there a Wug. Then, observe, I don't deşirę a brass seini-demi quaver is missing,
farthing without you're cured. Ail. A semi-demi quaver !
Ail. Look you there, doctor! Wag. Stay !Let me consider--two bars and Dr. Lust. Well, don't I do the same! a half-Who is your physician?
Way. But, if you are cured, you must give me Ail. Dr. Last.
a hundred guineas. wag. What? that lietle fellow?
Ail. You shall have the money.
Dr. Lust. It's too much; I'll do it for five. harın than so much new milk, I'll give you leate
Way. I have been at a great deal of pains and to knock me down. trouble, and made many experiments, in order Ail. Knock you down! to find a radical cure of this disease, that should Wag Nay, more; if you had infirmities from be at once safe, cheap, and easy. My first in- head to foot, the first dose will cure you of every vention was a pump; by means of which, fixed one of them. in the belly of the patient, I meant to pump out Dr. Last. Yes, indeed, I believe it would. the dropsical humour, as you would water out of Wag. Tell me, Mr. Ailwould, what do you do the hold of a ship; threescore and eleven people with this arm? died under the operation.
Ail. My arm! Ail. Well, what is the loss of a few individuals, Wog. Take my advice, cut off this arm imfor the general good of mankind? You brought mediately. it to perfection at last ?
Ail. The deuce ! Cut off my arm! Wag. No; at last I found it was impractica Way. It is the new method of practice that ble; yet I would have gone on in hopes, but I mean to introduce. Don't we prune trees of people grew chicken-hearted, and would not let their branches, to make them more healthy? me try.
And, don't you see that this arms draws all the Dri Last. So they well might-You should nourishment to itself, and hinders the other from not pump me in that manner for five thousand thriving? pound.
Ail. Ay, but I have occasion for my arm. Wag. Well, sir, my next experiment was cal Wag. Here's an eye, too, which I would have led the soaking operation; which was contrived instantly plucked out, were I in your place.thus: I made the patient swallow a piece of Ail. Pluck out my eye! spunge fastened to a string, which, going down Wag. Don't you see it injures the other, and his throat into his stomach, I let lie there till I occasions these mists you complained of but had absorbed or soaked up the watery humours, now. Be guided by me, and have it taken and then drew it up again, with all it's contents; away directly; you'll see the better with your repeating the operation till I had left the body as left. dry as an empty decanter.
Dr. Last. I tell you, Mr. Ailwould, this is Ail. Well, and what success?
some cheat. Wag. Why, I had a great deal better success Ail. I begin to suspect so.-Harkye, sirrah, with this than the former: for I think it killed who sent you here? Are you come to murder but four-and-twenty.
me? Dr. Last. Well, take my advice, Mr. Ail Wag. Oh! Sir, if you're in a passion, your would, neither be pumped nor soaked.
Wag. The gentleman has nothing to fear; Dr. Last. Ay, but you shan't get off so.–Stop what I shall make use of upon occasion is thief! my great driver, or essence infernalis.—You see Wag. Nay, then, I must take to my heels. this little pbial?
[Throws his wig at Last, and runs oif. Dr. Last. Let me see it-and I'll make bold Ail. Did you ever see such an impudent to taste it, too.-Don't touch it, Mr. Ailwould ! scoundrel ? don't touch it! it's corroding supplement, and Dr. Last. Do you keep the wig--we can swear will throw you into a salvation.
to the wig—while I follow, and find out who he Wag. Not a grain of mercury in it, upon my is-I'm almost sure he's the soldier in the honour! nothing but simples.
Old Bailey; for he has a spite against me, and Ail. Pray give the phial to me; I think I can employs old women to tear down my advertisedistinguish: for I have taken a great many of ments. these things.--I vow to man, it tastes lo me like
Enter FRIENDLY and PRUDENCE. strong beer or porter!
Wag. [Aside.] By the Lord he has guessed Ail. Ah!- I'm quite overcome! I can't sup. it:-Observe me, sir, it is tincture drawn from port myself any longer. ratsbane, arsenic, laudanum, verdigrise, copper Pru. Your brother, Mr. Friendly, sir. as, with a convenient mixture of the juice of Friend. How now! What's the matter? hemlock. You see, sir, I despise quackery; I Ail. O! Mr. Friendly, your servant-but I tell you fairly what my medicines are.
wonder you are not ashamed to see my face: Dr. Last. Medicines, do you call them? did you think my sickly habit would not put me
Wag. Give it cat, dog, mouse, rat; or, in short, out of the world soon enough, but you must any creature, biped or quadruped, of the brute join with wretches to drive me hence ? creation, they are immediately thrown into the Friend. I don't understand you. most intolerable torments, swell like a tun, and Ail. How could you send me that wicked burst before your eyes.
monster, who, under the name of a doctor, want Ail. A fine medicine, indeed!
ed to give me poison; to cut off my arms, Wag. Well, I'll let you take the contents of thrust out my eyes, and so make me blind and tbis whole bottle; and if it does you any more lame.
Friend. I never sent you any physician !
Ail. No ?-he pretended he came by your re
Ail. I have not been in the open air these two commendation.
months. Friend. He's some impostor-and indeed,
Friend. So much the worse for you. my dear brother, you lay yourself too open to Pru. So it is, Mr. Friendly. Do, sir, be the practice of such fellows, who are acquaint- prevailed on by your brother, ed with your weakness, and take advantage of Ail. I know I shall catch my death of cold.
Friend. I warrant you. Ail. My weakness is great, indeed, us you
Ail. Well, come then. Prudence, give me my may see.
Ériend. How do you find yourself to-day, Friend. What! to go into the garden in the then?
middle of July? Ail. Extremely ill, indeed.
Ail. Ay, ay, I'll take care of myself in spito Friend. How! extremely!
of you all. Ail. In a condition so faint and feeble, that I Pru. Get him out at any rate. (Aside.) am not able to stir.
Here's your gown, sir. Friend. Iudeed !
Ail. So-Let me wrap it close about me Ail. I have scarce strength enough to speak Where are my flannel gloves.
Pru. Here, sir. Friend. I'm heartily sorry for it, brother, be Ail. Now, pull down my night-cap, and put on cause I came to talk to you upon a matter of my hat. consequence; no less than to propose a match Friend. Why, brother, you're wrapt up like for my niece.
a Russian courier ? for a winter journey into Si4il. (Rises in a viloent passion.] Brother, beria? don't talk to me of that hussy; she's an im Ail. You may say what you please. Here, pudent, ungrateful jade; I detest, I renounce Prudence, tie a bandkerchief about my neck. her; and will own nobody for my friend, that Friend. Is that necessary, too? speaks a word in her favour.
Ail. Come, now, brother, I'll go with you, Friend. However, brother, I'm glad to find, though I am sure it will be the death of me. that your strength returns a little, and that you
[Going off. have still got spirits enough to exert yourself: Pru. Well, but, sirmy visit has done you so much good at least; Ail. What's the matter? and to do you still more, I insist upon your com Pru. You forgot, sir, that you can't walk withing with me into the garden immediately. out your cane. Ail. Into the garden!
Ail. That's true; give it me. (Ercunt. Friend. Ay; & walk there will do you good. I
SCENEI.--A room in Allwould's house with Asrs. Ail. No, sweetest; but your little daugha door in the buck.
ter Polly was with them.
Ail. The child ?
Mrs. Ail. Aye, the child, my dear-forward Ail Where art thou going abroad, my life? enough of her age; I assure you she knows as
Mrs. Ail. To the Temple, my dear, to Mr. much at five, as I did at fifteen-But I dare Juggle, the lawyer, to desire him to come here swear you may get every thing out of her. and make your will, since you will have it so. Ail. Go, prythee, and send the little slut to Ail. That's right, lamb, that's right
me this instant. Mrs. Ail. But an accident has happened, dear
Mrs. Ail. My dear, I will-Polly; your papa est, which I thought it my duty to inform you wants you. of before I went. As I passed by your daughter
Ail. Bye, Biddy
[Erit. Nancy’s chamber, I saw a young fellow there in
Enter Polly. earnest conference with her. Ail. How! with my daughter !
Pol. Do you want me, papa ?-My mamma Mrs. Ail. Yes; and I'm sure I saw the same says you want me. young fellow, a little before, talking with your Ail. Yes, hussy; come here nearer. brother in the parlour.
What do you turn away for ?--Look ine in the. Ail. And could you overhear what she and face. the young fellow were saying together?
Pol. Well, papa ?