« PreviousContinue »
my ear that you have not told me all. This litPol. What, papa ?
tle finger Ail. Have you nothing to tell me?
Pol. O, that little finger's a story-teller. Pol. What should I tell you?
Ail. Have a care! Ail. You know well enongh, hussey.
Pol. Don't believe it, papa; it fibs, indeed! Pol. Not I, indeed, and upon my word. Ail. Well, get you gone; then, and remember Ail. Is this the way you do what you're bid? what I have said to you. Pol. What?
Pol. Yes, papa, yes ; I'll remember. I'am Ail. Did not I order you to come and tell me glad he did not wbip me; I was afraid he would immediately whatever you saw ?
have whipped me.
[Esit. Pol. Yes, papa.
Enter FriendLY. Ail. And have you done so? Pol. Yes ; I'm come to tell you every thing Friend. Come now, brother, I must insist I've seen.
upon it, that you will not put yourself in a pasAil. Very well.—What have you seen to ? sion; but sit down here, and let me resume the Pol. I saw my lord mayor go by in his coach. conversation which we just now broke off. Ail. And nothing else ?
Ail. Well, come let it be so. Pol. No, indeed, indeed !
Friend. You are to be cool now, remember. Ail. I shall make you alter your tone a little, Ail. Ay, ay, I'll be cool. I fancy, if I fetch a rod.
Friend. And to answer me without prevariPol. 'Oh, dear papa!
cation. Ail. You baggage, you, why don't you tell me
Ail Good lord, yes! here's a terrible pream you saw a man in your sister's chamber? ble, sure! Pol. Why, my sister bid mę not, papa; but
Friend. How comes it, then brother give me I'll tell you every thing.
leave to ask you once more, that, being in the Ail. Take care, then, for I have a way of circumstances you are, and having no other chilknowing all; and if you tell me a lie
dren but two daughters, you can entertain the Pal. But pray, papa, don't you go and tell my strange design of marrying your eldest in the sister that I told you !
manner you are going to dispose of her? Ail. Never fear.
Ail. Pray, brother, how comes it, that I am Pol. Well, then, papa, there came a man into master of my own family, and dispose of my my sister's chamber as I was there ; I asked him children as I like? what he wanted, and he told me he was her Ita Friend. Your wife no doubt, is glad to get rid lian master.
of her at any rate. Ail. Oh, the matter's out, then !
Ail. Oh! ay, now it comes-and the poor Pol, My sister came in atterwards.'
wife is to be dragged in! 'tis she does all the Ail. Well, and what did your sister say? mischief, to be sure, and all the world will hare Pol. Why, first the man kissed her. Ail. Did he so?
Friend. No, no, brother; we'll leave ber out Pol. Yes, two or three times, but she was not of the question ; she's a good woman, that bas willing; and then she said to him, go away, go the best intentions in the world for your family, away-and she said, she was frightened out of is free from all manner of self-interest, has a her wits--and she said, she was afraid you marvellous tenderness for you, and shows an inwould come and catch her.
conceivable affection to your children, that's cere Ail. Well, and what then?
tain. We'll say no more, therefore, of her, but Pol. Why, he would not go away.
return to your daughter; but, pray, let me ask Ail. AudWhat did he say to her? you with what view would you marry her to this
Pol. Say! He said I don't know how many Dr. Last? things to her.
Ail. With a view of having so skillfuli a pbysiAil. Ay, but what?
cian as Dr. Last related to me. Pol. Why, he said this and that, and i'other; Friend. Heavens, brother ! how can you talk he said he loved her mightily; and that she was so? Skillfull ! I never saw the man ; but I am the prettiest creature in the world.
told, that of all the quacks in town, numerous as Ail. Well-and after that ?
they are, lie the most ignorant as well as the Pol. Why, after that, he took her by the most impudent: but it is really shocking to liuhand.
manity to consider to what a head these dance Ail. And after that?
rous cheats are arrived in this great city: ard Pol. After that, he kissed her again. it is not less amazing, that people should contide Ail. And after that?
their health, their most valuable possession, tə Pol. After that-Stay; O, after that, my wretches they would not trust with any thing mamma came, and he ran away.
else. In short, I know no way of putting a stup Ail. And you saw no more?
to their progress, but by an unliinited act against Pol. No; indeed, and indeed, papa. the vending of poisons, which, I think, wouly Ail. There's something, however, whispers in very fair comprehend them,
Ail. Ha ! You have made a very fine speech, upon several gentlemen in your way, who, from now. Do you think, if the cures they perform being sheep, as it were, have become as bold as were not wonderful, people would take their lions. medicines so kindly? What has essence of wa Ail. Attend to this, brother, for it is worth ter-dock done for the scurvy? What balsam of listening to. honey, in colds and consumptions? The stomach Dr. Last. Then it is one of the beautifullest pills for colicky complaints ? Then, you senseless things upon yearth for the memory-There was idiot you, d'ye think his majesty would give his a little boy, seven years of age, did not know one royal letters patent for pills, essences, electu- of his letters—bis papa was angry, his mamma aries, cordials, tinctures, quintessences, to poison was uneasy-_They bought him the pretty his subjects ? But to strike you duinb at once, is books for children, letters in sweetineats, gingernot that blessed medicine, baume de vie, in bread, ivory, all manner of play-things to muke itself, a remedy for all disorders under Hea- him take bis larning, but it would not do: hearven?
ing of my secret they applied to me, I gave the Friend. All!
child a dose, and, will you believe it, upon the Ail. Look at the list of cures—then the ren- word of an honest man--he could say his crisssoning's good-All disorders spring from the sto cross-row in a fortnight. mach-beaume de vie is a sovereign remedy Ail. Now, that's very amazing! I'll make use for the stomach-and, therefore, cures all dis- of it myself, and begin to read immediately; for orders.
I never reinember a word after the book is shut; Friend. If so, why don't you take it, and get and that's vexatious you know. rid of yours?
Dr. Last. And would you believe, that Ail.' Why! why! there's no general rule with this fine remedy was invented by my old moout an exception.
ther? Friend, Come, come, brother, the truth of it Ail. Your mother! is, there's nothing the matter with you at all Dr. Last. Why, she knows as much of physic and I desire no better proof of the excellency of as I do ; it is a gift in our family: and she has your constitution, than that all the slops you invented things to take spots out of cloaths, and have been taking these ten years have not burst, iron moulds out of linen. or otherwise destroyed you.
Ail. I long to be acquainted with her. Ail. Here's Dr. Last! he is so good as to come Dr. Last. Well, will you swallow this now? on purpose to administer his medicine to me Ail. Ay, come give it to me. himself. Pray now, brother, behave yourself Friend. You jest sure-Can't you be a moment properly.
without some nasty slop or another? put it off
to a more convenient time, and give nature a litEnter Dr. Last, with a vial in one hand, and a
tle respite. glass of water in the other.
Ail.'Well, then, this evening, Dr. Last, or to
morrow morning. Dr. Lust. Come, Mr. Ailwould
Dr. Last. Pray, sir, may I be so bold as to Ail, Broiher, with your leave.
ax if your name aint Groggins ? Friend. What are you going to do now? Friend. No, sir! my name's Friendly.
Ail. To take some of Dr. Last's cordial; and Dr. Lust. Then, sir, I desire to know, sir, let ine prevail upon you to take a glass, too. what business you have to binder me in
Dr. Last. Do, sir, one dose; its as natural to cupation? I say, the gentleman shall take it now, a man's constitution as breast-milk: and, if you and I warrant it will do him good. will take it for a continency, once you are a lit Friend. Pr'ythee, man, wbat d'ye mean? tle manured to it, it will work the most supris Dr. Last. Í incans what I says. Mr. Ailingest difference
would, will take it? If you don t take it, I'll go Friend. Pray, sir, what is it?
away directly. Dr. Last. Sir, I would not tell if
you Friend. Well, do go away, sir; we desire it. were my father; no, nor King George—but I'll Dr. Last. O, with all my
heart ! show you—You see this glass of New River wa
[Exit Dr. Last. ter-its as transparent as rock crystal_Now, I Ail. Brother, you'll be the cause of some misputs twelve drops of my cordial into it—and chief here. there-it's as fine asses milk as ever was tasted Friend. What mischief? No, no, brother, I I vow to the lord, there's worse sold for a shil- shall be the cause of no mischief, but a great Jing a pint, that comes from the beastis them- deal of good; and I wish I could drive away all selves !
the physic-mongers that come after you, with Ail. Well, I believe that's very true. their cursed drugs, in the same manner; you'd
Dr. Last. I presume, by your wig, sir, that live the longer for it. you belong to the law; and if you'll put yourself Ail. Some, dreadful mischief will come of it, under my care, I'll give you something, for which indeed I must call him back-Dr. Last, you will be obliged to me; and yet its nothing Dr. Last! but the juice of a simple yerb : but I've tried it Friend. Brother, for shame!
Ail. Don't talk to me; you want to send me I have discovered secret interviews in my to my grave.Dr. Last, pray come back ! house, which some people don't think I've diso
covered. Enier Dr. LAST.
Friend. I dare swear, brother, my seice has
vo attachment but to the gentleman I have menDr. Last. [Fiercely to FriendLY.] Did you
tioned you: in which case, yon lave nothing call me, sir?
to be angry with, all tending to the honourable Friend. No, doctor, but Mr. Ailwould did. purpose of marriage. Dr. Last. Mr. Ailwould, I am not used polite
Ail. I don't care for what you say ; I'll send ly here at all.
her over to France; I am determined on it. Ail. Indeed, sir, it was not
Friend. There's somebody you want to please, Dr. Last. I have given that there thing to la- brother, by that, I doubt. dies ; nay, to children, that have been troubled Ail. I know your meaning. sir; you're always with the worms, who never made a wry face, harping upon the same straiu. My wife is a but licked their lips after it as pleasantly as if it strange hobgoblin in your eyes, brother. had been so much treacle or sugar-candy.
Friend. Yes, brother, since 'tis necessary to be Ail. It was not I
you, 'tis your wife, that I mean; and Dr. Last. And when I took the trouble of|I can no more bear your ridiculous fondness for coming myself
her, than that you have for physic; nor endure Ail. 'Twas lie
to see you rup hand over-head into all the suares Dr. Last. In my own chariot
she lays for you. Ail. He was the cause
Prú. O, dear sir, don't speak so of my ladyDr. Last. Without demanding nothing extra- she's a woman, that nobody can say any thing ordinary for my trouble—I have a good mind against ; a woman without the least grain of arnot to marry your daughter
tifice or design, and loves my master !-there's Ail. I tell you it was all my brother; it was, no saying how much she loves bim. upon my word and credit But give me the cor Ail. Ay, only ask her how excessive fond she dial; and, to make you amends, I'll take double is of me. the quantity.
Pru. Most excessive! Friend. Are you mad ?
Ail. How much concern my illness gives her. Dr. Lust. No, he's not-I insist upon his ta Pru. Yes. king it for the honour of my medicine-And if Ail. And the care and pains she takes about you don't take a glass, too, you shall hear further me. from me.
Pru. Right.-Shall we convince you now, Mr. Friend. Very well, doctor; I fear your sword Friendly, and show you directly what a surprising less than your poison.
affection my lady has for my master?- Permit Dr. Lust. O, ay, poison, poison, we shall see me, sir, to undeceive him, and let him see his whether it's poison.
[ Aside. Ail. Give it to me, doctor.
Ail. As how, Prudence? Dr. Last. Here, Mr. Ailwou'd.
Pru. Hark! my lady is just returned. Do Ail. Pray, now, brother, let me prevail upon you step into the next room there-stretch youryou, in compliment to the doctor
self out, and feign yourself dead: he inay slip Friend. Nay, good brother, don't be absurd. into the closet; ol'll set the doors open, and
Dr. Lust. Now I'm satisfied; and I'll call you'll see what violent grief she'll be in, when I upon you again in an hour. [Exit Dr. Last. tell her the news.
Ail. Hey--hum !-I profess I have a mind to Enter PRUDENCE.
take her advice-but, no; I can never bear to
bear the shrieks and lamentations she'll make Ail. Prudence !
over me; and yet, 't will be a comfort to me to Pru. Sir!
hear them too, to feel her virtuous tears bedew Ail. Get me my armed chair here-Its incon- my face, and her sweet lips kissing my cheeks a ceivable what a warmth this medicine diffuses all thousand times, to bring me back again to lite : over my body.
and her--Ah, verily, I'll do it; verily, I'll do it; Friend. Well
, but, brother, did not you hear and then, sir, what will become of your fine surDr. Last say just now, that he was in doubt whe- mises ?-But, Prudence, art thou not afraid, ther he would marry your daughter or not? and that her very thinking me dead will break ber after so slighting an expression, surely you will heart? pot persist in your design! but let me talk to Pru. To be sure, sir, if you should keep her you of this gentleman who wishes to have my in her fright too long. piece.
Ail. 0, let me alone for that ; I'll make the Ail. No, brother, if Dr. Last won't have experiment this very minute; this very minute. lier, I'll send her to France, and put her into But is there no danger in feigning one's self a convent; I am sure she has an amorous in-dead! clivation for somebody, and to let you know, Pru. No, no ; what danger should there be?
Tis only shutting your eyes, and stretching your Friend. Your servant, madam. self out. [To Allwould.) Now, sir, we shall Mrs. Ail. Lord! my dear, I'm so disappointed show you your error, and convince you how much --so pleased, I mean, and so frightened—This you have injured the best of wives. [To Friend- wicked girl told me you were dead. 18.] 'Twill be pleasant enough afterwards, to Ail. Yes, and a fine oration you pronounced see how blank he will look-Here's my lady; over me! quick, quick, both of you away!
Mrs. Ail. Nay, but, my dear, this is the most [Ereunt Allwou Lð and Friendly. unreasonable thing [Turning to FRIENDLY)
some slight conversation, that I have had with Enter Mrs. AILWOULD.
my maid here, which Mr. Ailwould takes in a
wrong sense: but, I dare swear, when he has Oh! Heavens! Oh! fatal misfortune! what a considered the matter a little, he will think difstrange accident is this !
ferently. Mrs. Ail. What's the matter, Prudence? Ail. Get out of my sight, get out of my Pru. (Crying.) Ah! madam!
sight! Mrs. Ail. What is it? what do you mean by Mrs. Ail. Well, but, lovely, let me explain the blubbering, pr'ythee?
matter to you. Pru. My master's dead, madam.
Ail. I'll never hear a word from you again as Mrs. Ail. Dead !
long as I live. Pru. [Sobbing.] Ye-ye-yes.
Mrs. Ail. Nay, sir, if you bear yourself so Mrs. Ail. Are you sure of it?
baughtily, you'll find me a match for you. It is Pru. Too sure, alas! No body yet knows any not to-day, my dear, I am to learn, that your thing of this accident: There was not a soul but brain is full of maggots; however, you shall call myself to help him ; he sunk down in my arms, me more than once before I come back to you, and went off like a child -See there, inadam, I assure you.
TĚrit. he lies stretched out in the next room.
Ail. Vid you ever hear such an impudent Mrs. Ail. Now, Heaven be praised !—What creature? Od's my life, with what an air she cara simpleton art thou to cry?
ried it !-But do'st think she was in earnest, PruPru. Cry, ma'am! why, I thought we were to dence? cry?
Pru. Troth, do 1, sir. Mrs. Ail. And for what, pray! I know of no Friend. Come, brother, to tell you the plain loss he is—Was he of any use upon earth ? A truth, Prudence devised this method in order to man troublesome to all the world; odious in his open your eyes to your wife's perfidy-She has person; disgusting in his manners; never with long deceived you with a show of false tenout some filthy medicine in his mouth, or his sto- derness, but now you see her in her genuine comach; continually coughing, hawking, and spit- lours. ting; a tiresome, peevish, disagreeable mon Ail. I profess my eyes were dazzled, and all
my senses confused; I know not what I either Pru. An excellent funeral sermon, truly! hear or see: but, in the first place, I renounce
[Aside. physicMrs. Ail. Prudence, you must assist me in the execution of my design ; and you may depend
Enter Nancy and HARGRAVE. upon it, I will amply reward your services. Since, by good fortune, no one is yet apprised of this Pru. Lord ! sir, here's Miss Nancy and Mr. accident, beside ourselves, let us keep his death Hargrave. a secret a few day, till I have been able to settle Nan. Dear papa, what's the matter? my affairs on-a sure foundation: there are pa Ail. The matter, child ! I don't know, child. pers and money of which I would possess my- (Seeing HARGRAVE.) What brings you here, sir? self-Nor, indeed, is it just, that all I bave suf Friend. This, brother, is the young gentleman fered with him living should not be rewarded by I propose as a match for your daughter; and, some advantage at his death.
after what I have said, and what has happened, Pru. To be sure, madam.
I hope you will no longer refuse to listen to his Mrs. Ail. In the mean time, I'll go and secure pretensions. his keys, for I know he has a considerable sum Ail. Why, really, sir, my chief objection to of money in his scrutoire, which he received yes- you, is your total ignorance of the medicinal terday.
art; if you can think of any method to remove
that Mrs. Allwould going to the Door, meets Har. I must own, sir, I'm afraid I'm rather FRIENDLY and AILWOULD.
too far advanced in life to make any progress in
so deep and abstracted a study. Mrs. Ail. Ah! ah ! ah! (Screaming Ail. Why, with regard to the more capital
Ail. O! devil of a help-mate ! have i found branches, I grant you; but in the subaltern ofyou out,
fices, I'm of a contrary opinion: Suppose, now,
you were to bind yourself apprentice for a year Dr. Last. O, don't think to humbug me so! or two to some skilful apothecary? surely, in that time you might learn to decypher a pre
Enter Allwould, behind. scription, and make up a medicine with a very Ail. What are they doing here? few blunders.
Nan, Dear sir, have patience-Stop where you Har. D'ye think so, sir?
are a little, and let them go on. Ail. You might, indeed, now and then, give a Friend. Within tbere; seize this fellow. dose of arsenic for salts; but that's an accident Dr. Last. Liberty—I'm a free-born Briton, in might happen to the oldest practioner. my native city-If any one lays a finger upon
Friend. Ab, brother, brother, what's this I me, I'll put him into the crown-office. hear! It was but this moment you were de Friend. Ay, but we'll put you into Newgate termined to renounce physic, and here you are first-Carry him before a justice! I'll go and be talking as warmly and absurdly about it as a witness.
Pru. Ay, and so will I. Ail. Eh! It's very true, indeed, brother. Dr. Last. [In a great passion.] Well, but However, let it suffice, I give the young man my stay: let me go a bit-What will you be a witdaughter without any conditions at all: And ness of? now I'll go and get effectually rid of that other Pru. That you poisoned my master. plague, my wife ; for I shall not be easy, while Dr. Last. It can't be. we are under the same roof.
[Erit. Friend. We'll prove it. Friend. If we can't cure him of his love for Dr. Last. It's a fictitious report; for, to let drugs, we have done nothing:
you see the difference now-what I gave him Nun. I doubt, sir, that will be impossible. was nothing in the world but a little chalk and
Friend. Hist, here comes Dr. Last-I'll take vinegar; and, if it could do him no good, it could the opportunity of your father's absence to have do him no harm. some sport with him ; put on melancholy coun Ail. And so, sirrah, this is the way you take tenances, and take your cues from me. people in ? Your famous cordial, then, is chalk Pru. I know what you'd be at, sir, and I'll se- and vinegar?
Dr. Last. What! Mr. Ailwould, aren't you
dead? Enter Dr. Last.
Ail. No, sirrah? but no thanks to you for
that—so, get you out of my house, or I'll chalk Dr. Last. Mr. Ailwould, where are you? I
and vinegar you with a vengeance, you pretendhave brought you some of my essence of cucum
ing, quacking, cheating
Dr. Last. Don't strike me! ber, by way of a taste. Friend. O, Dr. Last, you are come! your ser- don't get out of my house.
. I'll break every bone in your skin, if you vant, sir, I'm glad to see you. Dr. Last. Sir, I'm obliged to you—Where is
Friend, Nay, brotherMr. Ailwould ?
Dr. Last. My own chariot's below. Friend. Where is he, sir ?
Ail. A cart, a wheel-barrow for such scoua
drels ! Dr. Last. Aye; because I wants to speak
Dr. Last. Don't call me out of my name. to him. Friend. He's dead, sir.
Ail. I can't, sirrah! Pru. [Bursting ridiculously into tears.] Ob!
Dr. Last. You did, you did, and I'll make you Oh! Oh! Dr. Last. What's the matter, Mrs. Prudence?
Ail. Get out of my house! I warrant your master is only in a sound; and
Dr. Last. That's all I want-He has pushed I've a bottle of stuff in my pocket that will fetch me. I call you every one to witness—I'll swear him in a whiff.
to the assault. Friend. Hold, sir, no more of your stuff!
Friend. Take him away! Dr. Last. Well, then, let me go and feel his
Dr. Last. (As they are taking him away.) I'll pulse.
swear to the assault-and if I don't get redemo Friend. Nor that peither ; you shan't go near
(Hurried of him: but we insist upon your telling us what you
Enter POLLY. gave him out of your vial just now!
Dr. Last. How ! tell you my secret-A book Pol. Papa! papa! seller offered me a thousand pounds for it. Ail. What's the matter, my dear?
Har. A bookseller offered you a thousand Pol. My mamma's gone abroad, and says, pounds! That may be, sir, bút Mr. Ailwould she'll never come home no more; so she won't. died a few minutes after you administered Ail. A good riddance ! a good riddance ! it; we, therefore, take it for granted, that it Pol. La, papa! if that isn't the man I sew has poisoned him; and, unless you prove very just now kissing my sister! clearly to the contrary, we shall consider you Pru. Ah! you little tell-tale! as his murderer, and treat you accordingly. Pol. Indeed, Prudence, but I am no tell-taie,
pay for it.