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ACT II.

arms

SCENE I.The Court of the Palace. Come, Dollallolla : Iluncamunca, coine;

Within we'll wait in whole skins for Tom Thumb, Enter NOODLE.

[Ereunt. Nood. Sure Naiure means to unhinge the solid globe!

SCENE III.-A Plain. Chaos is come again-all's topsy-turvy.

Enter Lord GRIZZLE, NOODLE, and Rebels. AIR.

(A March.]

Griz. Thus far with victory our arms are King Arthur in love ancle deep-speed the plough, crown'd; Glumdalca will soon be his punk-a ;

For, though we have not fought, yet have we The queen Dollallolla's as drunk as a sow,

found In bed with Tom Thumb, Huncamunca.

No enemy to fight withal.
Enter Lord Grizzle, hastily.

[Drums and Trumpets.]
Griz. If this be true, all women kind are Enter Thumb, Doodle, and Soldiers.
damn'd.

Tom. Art thou the man, whom men famed Nood. If it be not, may I be damn'd myself.

Grizzle call?
Erit.

Griz. Art thou the much more fam'd Tom Griz. Then get out, patience! oh, I'm whirl Thumb the small ? wind all;

Tom. The same.
Havock, let loose the dogs of war, halloo !

Griz. The same.
[Exit. Tom. His prowess now each prove.

Griz. For liberty I stand.
SCENE II.-A Chamber in the Palace. Tom. And I for love.

[A battle between the two armies.--They Enter Queen.

fight off ] Queen. Ah! wherefore from his Dollallolla's

Enter GLUMDALCA, and meets GRIZZLE, while Doth Arthur steal? Why all alone,

fighting with THUMB. And in the dark, leave her, whose feeble nerves Glum. Turn, coward, turn ! nor from a woHe knows are harrow'd up with fears of spirits ? man fly!

Griz. Thou art unworthy of my arm.
Enter King

Glum. Am I?
King. We hoped the fumes, sweet queen, of llave at thy heart then!
last night's punch,

[Thrusts at, but misses him. Ilad glued thy lovely eyes; but, ah! we find Griz. Rampant queen of sluts! There is no power in drams to quiet wives. Now have at thine.

[Strikes. Glum. [Falling.] You've run me through the Enter NOODLE.

guts. Nood. Long life to both your majesties,-if

Griz. Then there's an end of one. [Going. life

[Is met by Tom THUMB, who runs him through.) Be worth a fig-Lord Grizzle, at the head

Tom. An end of two, Of a rebellious rout, invests the palace;

Thou hast it.

Erit. He swears—unless the princess straight Be yielded up with Tom Thumb's pate,

Griz. Oli, Tom Thumb! [Falls.] thy soul be

shrew! About your ears he will beat down the gate. King. The devil he will!—but see the princess! And the black cart is waiting at the door.

I die-Ambition ! the fates have made their tour,
Enter HUNCAMUNCA.

AIR.
Say, where's the mighty Thumb, our sword and Grizzle. My body is a bankrupt's shop,

buckler?
Though 'gainst us men and giants league with

Aly cruel creditor, grim Death;

Who puts to life's brisk trade a stop gods, Yet Thumb alone is equal to more odds.

And will be paid with my last breath.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Hunc. About an hour and a balf ago

(Dies. Tom sallied forth to meet the foe,

Enter Tom THUMB and Attendants.
And soon, who's who, he'll make them know.
King. Oh! oh!

Tom, Bear off the carcasses; lop of his knob,

'Twill witness to the king Tom Thumb's good

MERLIN rises, job; Rebellion's dead, and now—I'll go to breakfast.

Thunder and Lightning. [Enl

Aserlin. Blood, what a scene of slaughter's [Attendants lay hold of Grizzle

here! Griz. Why dost thou call me from the peace- But I'll soon shift it, never fear. ful grave?

Gallants behold! one touch of Merlin's magic, Atten. Sir, we came to bear your body off. Shall to gay comic change this dismal tragic. Gria. Then I'll bear it off myself.

[Wuves his Wand.] [Ereunt.

SCENE changes, and discovers the Cow. SCENE IV.-The Presence-Chamber.

First at my word, thou horned cannibal, Enter King, Queen, HUNCAMUNCA, Doodle, Return again our England's Hannibal, PLUMANTE, FRIZALETTA, and Attendunts.

[Thunder. King. Open the prisons, set the wretched [Tuumb is thrown out of the Cow's mouth, and free!

starts fiercely.] And bid our treasurer disburse five guineas To pay their debts.-Let our arch necromancer, Next to you, king, queen, lords, and commons, Sage Merlin, straight attend us :-we the while I issue my hell-bilking summons. Will view the triumph of our son-in-law. Hunc. Take note, sir, that on this our wed

INCANTATION. ding day Two victories hath my gallant husband won.

Arise ye groupes of drunken sots!

Who deal out deaths, ye know not why; Enter NOODLE.

No more of porter pots, or plots,

Your senseless jealousy lay by. Nood. Oh, monstrous, dreadful, terrible! oh! Your souls cannot as yet be far oh!

Upon their way to dreary night, King. What means the blockhead?

Dy power remands them. Nood. But to grace my tale with decent horror;

[The dead all start up as Merlin touches Tom Thumb is no more!

them, A huge red cow, larger than the largest size,

Enter GLUMDALCA and GRIZZLE.
just now i'the open street,
Before my eyes, devour'd the great Tom Thumb!

Here ends jar.
[4 general groan. Live, love, and all this will be right.
King. Shut, shut again the prisons:
Let our treasurer

King. (To the Queen.] One kind buss, my Dolly Not issue out three farthings. Hang all the cul

Queen; prits,

When we too last parted, And bid the schoolmastors whip all their little

We scarce hop'd to buss again ; boys.

My heart I lord, how it smarted! Nood. Her majesty the queen is in a swoon. Queen. [To the King.] Dear king Atty, pitty, Queen, Not so much in a swoon, but to leave

putty, still

Mine too went a fleeting ; Strength to reward the messenger of ill.

Now we in a nipperkin
[Queen kills Noodle.

May toast this merry meeting.
Friz. My lover kill'd-
His death I thus revenge.

[Kills the Queen.

Tom. (To Hunc.] Come, my Hunky, come, my Hunc. Kill my mamma!

pet, O base assassin! there!

Love's in haste, don't stay him; [Kills FRIZALETTA, Dood. For that, take this! [Kills HUNCA.

Deep we are in IIymen's debt,

And 'tis high time we pay him.
Plum. And thou, take that. (Kills Doodle.
king. Die, murdress vile ! (Kills Plum. Hunc. [To Tom.] Have, dear Tommy,
Ab! Death makes a feast to day,

Pity on me;
And but reserves ourselves for his bon bouche.

I am by shame restricted; So when the boy,whom nurse froin dangerguards,

Yet I obey, Sends Jack for mustard with a pack of cards;

So take your way, Kings, queens, and knaves, tip one another down,

I must not contradict it. Till the whole pack lie scatter'd and o'erthrown. Griz. [To Glum.] Grandest Glum, in my behoof, Thus all our pack upon the floor is cast,

To love's law be pliant; And my sole boast is, that I will die the last.

Me you'll find a man of proof, (Stabs himself. They all lie on the stage dead.

Although not quite a giant.

Glum. (To Griz.] Indeed, Lord Griz,

Though for that phiz
Fexe amorous queens would choose you;

Yet thus bereft,

Not one chum left,

I think I can't refuse you. Merlin. Now love and live, and live and love.

All. Sage Merlin's in the right on't ; Merlin. Euch couple prove, like hand in glode ;

All. Agreed. Queen. 'Fore George we'll make a night on't,

All. Let discord cease,

Let all in peace
Go home and kiss their spouses ;

Join hat and cap

In one loud clap,
And wish us crouded houses.

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SCENE I.-The outside of a Cottage near a I waited on a gentleman at Oxford, where I Wood.

learnt—very near as much as my master; from

whence I attended a travelling physician six DOI:CAS, Gregory.

years, under the facetious denomination of a Gre. I tell you, No, I won't comply; and Merry Andrew,- where I learnt physic. it is may business to talk and to command.

Dor. O that thou had'st followed him still! Dor. And I tell you, You shall conform to Cursed be the hour, wherein I answered the my will; and that I was not married to you, to parson, 'I will.' suffer ill humours.

Gre. And cursed be the parson that asked your Gre. () the intolerable fatigue of matri

thee the question ! mony! Aristotle never said a better thing in

Dor. You have reason to complain of him his life, than when he told us, " That a wife indeed—who ought to be on your knees every was worse than a devil.'

moment, returning thanks to Heaven, for that Dor. Hear the learned gentleman with his great blessing it sent you, when it sent you Aristotles!

myself.-I hope you have not the assurance to

think
Gre. And a learned man I am, too: find me you

deserv'd such a wife as me? out a maker of faggots that's able, like myself,

Gre. No, really, I don't think I do. to reason upon things, or that can boast such an

AIR 1.-Bessy Bell. education as mine.

DORCAS.
Dor. An education !
Gre. Ay, hussy, a regular education : first at When a lady like me, condescends to agrce,
the charity-school, where I learnt to read; then To let such a jackanapes taste her,

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same.

With what zeal and care, shou'd he worship the Suppose I've a mind he should drub,
fair,

Whose bones are they, sir, he's to lick ?
Who gives him what's meat for his master ? At whose expence is it, you scrub?
His actions should still

You are not to find him a stick.
Attend on her will :--

Rob. Neighbour, I ask your pardon heartily;
Hear, sirrah, and take it for warning; here, take and thrash your wife; beat her as you
To her he should be

ought to do.
Each night on his knee,

Gre. No, sir, I won't beat her.
And so he should be on each morning.

Rob. Oh, sir, that's another thing. Gre. Meat for my master! you were meat Gre. I'll beat her when I please, and will not for your master, if I an't inistaken. Come, beat her when I do not please. She is my come, Madam, it was a lucky day for you, wife, and not yours. when

you
found me out.

Rob. Certainly.
Dor. Lucky, indeed! a fellow, who eats every Dor, Give me the stick, dear husband.
thing I have

Rob. Well, if ever I attempt to part husband Gre. That happens to be a mistake, for I and wife again, may I be beaten myself. drink some part on't.

[Erit Rob. Dor. That has not even left me a bed to lie Gre. Come, my dear, let us be friends. on!

Dor. What, after beating me so? Gre, You'll rise the earlier.

Gre. 'Twas but in jest. Dor. And who, from 'morning till night, is Dor. I desire you will crack your jests on your eternally in an alehouse!

own bones, not on mine. Gre. It's genteel; the squire does the Gre. Pshaw! You know you and I are one,

and I beat one half of myself when I beat you. Dor. Pray, sir, what are you willing I shall Dor. Yes, but for the future I desire you will do with my family?

beat the other half of yourself. Gre. Whatever you please.

Gre. Come, my pretty dear, I ask pardon ; Dor. My four little children, that are con- I'ın sorry for’t. tinually crying for bread?

Dor. For once I pardon you—but you shall Gre. Give 'em a rod! best cure in the world pay for it.

Aside. for crying children.

Gre. Psha! psha! child, these are only little Dor. And you imagine, sot

affairs, necessary in friendship; four or five Gre. Hark ye, my dear, you know my temper good blows with a cudgel between your very is not over and above passive, and that my arm fond couples only tend to heighten the afis extremely active.

fections. "I'll now to the wood, and I promise Dor. I laugh at your threats, poor, beggarly, thee to make a hundred faggots before I come insolent fellow !

home again.

Exit. Gre. Soft object of my wishing eyes I shall Dor. If I am not revenged on those blows play with your pretty ears.

of yours! -Oh, that I could but think of some Dor. Touch me if you dare, you insolent, im- method to be revenged on him! Ilang the rogue, pudent, dirty, lazy, rascally

he's quite insensible of cuckoldoın? Gre. Oh, ho, ho! you will have it then, I find.

[Beats her. AIR III.-Oh London is a fine town. Dor. O murder, murder!

In ancient days, I've heard, with horns
Enter Squire Robert.

The wife her spouse could fright,
Rob. What's the matter here? Fie upon you,

Which now the hero bravely scorns, fie upon you, neighbour, to beat your wife in

So common is the sight. this scandalous manner!

To city, country, camp, ar court,

Or wheresoe'er he go, Dor. Well, sir, and if I have a mind to be

No horned brother dares make sport ; beat, and what then? Rob. O dear, madam, I give my consent with

They're cuckolds all a-row. all my heart and soul.

Oh that I could find out some invention to get Dor. What's that to you, saucebox? Is it him well drubbed! any business of your's ? Rob. No, certainly, madam!

Enter Harry and JAMES. Dor. Here's an impertivent fellow for you, Har. Were ever two fools sent on such a won't suffer a husband to beat his own wife;

message as we are, in quest of a dumb doctor!

James. Blame your own cursed memory, AIR II.--Winchester Wedding. that made you forget his naine. For my part, Go thrash your own rib, sir, at home,

I'll travel through the world rather than return Nor thus interfere with our strife;

without him ; that were as much as a limb or May cuckoldom still be his doom,

two were worth. Who strives to part husband and wife ! llar. Was ever such a cursed misfortune, to

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