Page images

Be Gregory

Gre. O physic and matrimony! My wife! Gre. () what a happy dog am I, to find iny

Dor. For, though the rogue used me a little wife so virtuous a woman when I least expected roughly, he was as good a workman as any in it! Oh, my injured dear! Behold your Gregory, five miles of his head.

your own husband!

Dor. Ha !
AIR V.-Thomas, I cannot.

Gre. O me! I'm so full of joy, I cannot tell A fiy for the dainty ciril spouse,

thee more than that I am as much the hapl'ho's bred at the court of France ; piest of men, as thou art the most virtuous He treats his wife with smiles and bows,

of women! And minds not the good main-chance, Dor. And art thou really my Gregory? And

hast thou any more of these purses ? The man for me,

Gre. No, my dear, I have no more about me; Though given to many a maggot :

but'tis probable, in a few days, I may have a For he would work

hundred; for the strangest accident has hapLike any Turk;

pened to me! None like him e'er hundled a foggot, a faggot, Dor. Yes, my dear; but I can tell you whom None like him e'er handled a fuggot! you are obliged to for that accident: had you

not beaten tue this morning, I had never had Gre. What evil stars, in the devil's name, you beaten into a physician. bave sent her hither? If I could but persuade Gre, Oh, oh! then 'ris to you I owe all that her to take a pill or two that I'd give her, Idrubbing? should be a physician to some purpose-Come, Dor. Yes, my dear; though I little dreamt hider, my shild, leta me fcela your pulse ? of the consequence.

Dor. What have you to do with my pulse? Gre. How infinitely I'm obliged to thee! But

Gre. I am de French physicion, my dear, and bush!
I am to feela de pulse of de pation.
Dor. Yes, but I am no pation, sir; nor want

Enter IIELLEBORE, no physician, good doctor Ragou.

Hel. Are not you the great doctor just Gre. Begar, you must be puta to-bed, and come to this town, so famous for curing dumb, taka de peel; me sal give you de little peel dat ness? sal cure you, as you have more distempre den Gre, Sir, I am be. evere were hered off.

Hel. Then, sir, I should be glad of your adDor. What's the matter with the fool? If Ivice. you feel my pulse any more, I shall feel your Gre. Let me feel your pulse. ears for you.

Hel. Not for myself, good doctor; I an, my. Gre. Begar, you must taka de peel. self, sir, a brother of the faculty, what the world Dor. Begar, I shall not taka de peel, calls a mad doctor. I have at present under

Gre. I'll take this opportunity to try her.- my care a patient, whom I can by no means [ Aside.—Maye dear, if you will not letta me prevail with to speak. cura you, you sala cura me; you sall be my Gre. I shall make him speak, sir. physicion, and I will give you de fee.

Hel. It will add, sir, to the great reputation

[Holds out a purse. you bave already acquired; and I am happy in Dor. Ay, my stomach does not go against finding you. those pills; and what must I do for your fee? Gre. Sir, I am as happy in finding you..

Gre. O, begar! me vill show you; me villa [Taking him asiile. --You see that woman, teacha


sal doe;

; you must come there? she is possessed with a most strange sort kissa me now, you must come kissa me now. of madness, and imagines every man she sees

Dor. [Kisses him.)-As I live, my very bang to be her husband. Now, sir, if you will but dog! I've discovered him in good time, or he admit her into your housebad discovered me-(side.]-Well, doctor, and Hel, Most willingly, sir, are you cured now?

Gre, The first thing, sir, you are to do, is to Gre. I shall nake myself a cuckold presently let out thirty ounces of her blood: then, sir,

[Aside.)- Dis is not a proper place, dis is too you are to shave otf all her hair; all her public; lor sud any one pass by while I taka hair, sir: after which you are to make a dis phisic, it vill preventa de operation. very severe use of your rod, twice a day: Dor. What physic, doctor?

and take a particular care that she have Gre. In your ear, dat.

{"l'hispers. not the least' allowance beyond bread and Dor. And in your ear dat, sirrah. -[ Hitting water, him a bor. ]--Do dare affrort my virtue, you Hel. Sir, I shall readily agree to the dictates villain ! D'ye think the world should bribe me of so great a man ; nor can I help approving of to part with ruy virtue, my dear virtue! There, your method, which is exceeding mild and take your purse again.

wholesome. Gře. But where's the gold?

Gre. [To his wife.]—My dear, that gentleman Dor. The gold I'll keep, as an eternal mo- will conduct you w my lodgings. Sir, I beg you nument of my virtue,

will take a particu. r care of the lady,



Hel. You may depend on't, sir; nothing in my

But what physician e'er can ease power shall be wanting; you have only to in

The torments which I feel? quire for Dr. Hellebore.

Think, charming nymph, while I comDor. Twont be long before I see you, hus

plain, band?

Ah, think what I endure ! Hel. Husband! This is as unaccountable a

All other remedies are vain ; madness as any I have yet met with!

The lovely cause of all my pain
[Erit Hel. with Dor.

Cun only cause my cure.

Gre. It is, sir, a great and subtle question Gre, I think I shall be revenged on you now, among the doctors, Whether women are more my dear. So, sir.

easy to be cured than men? I beg you would atLean. I think I make a pretty good apotheca- tend to this, sir, if you please—Some say, No; ry, now.

others say, Yes; and, formy part, I say both Yes Gre. Yes, faith; you are almost as good an and No; forasmuch as the incongruity of the apothecary, as I'm a physician; and, if you opaque humours that meet in the natural temper please, I'll convey you to the patient.

of women, are the cause that the brutal part will Lean. If I did hut know a few physical hard always prevail over the sensible-One sees words

that the inequality of their opinions depends Gre. A few physical hard words! Why, in a upon the black movement of the circle of the few hard words consists the science. Would you moon; and as the sun, that darts his rays upon know as much as the whole faculty in an instant, the concavity of the earthsir? Come along, come along ! Hold; the doc- Char. No, I am not at all capable of changing tor must always go before the apothecary. my opinion.

[Ěreunt. Sir Jas. My daughter speaks! my daughter SCENE III.SIR JASPER's house. speaks! Oh, the great power of physic! Oh, the

admirable physician! 'How can I reward thee Enter Sir Jasper, CHARLOTTE, and Maid.

for such a service! Sir Jas. Has she made no attempt to speak, Gre. This distemper has given me a most in

sufferable deal of trouble. Maid. Not in the least, sir; so far from it, [Traversing the stage in a great heut, the that, as she used to make a sort of noise before,

Apothecary following.] she is now quite silent.

Char. Yes, sir, I have recovered my speech; Sir Jas. Looking on his watch.]—'Tis almost but I have recovered it to tell you, that I never the time the doctor promised to return-Oh, he will have any husband but Leander. is here! Doctor, your servant.

[Speaks with great eagerness, and drives Sur

JASPER round the stage.

Sir Jas. But-
Gre. Well, sir, how does my patient?

Char. Nothing is capable to shake the resoSir Jas. Rather worse, sir, since your pre- lution I have taken. scription.

Sir Jas. What ! Gre. So much the better; 'tis a sign that it Char. Your rhetoric is in vain; all your disoperates.

courses signify nothing, Sir Jas. Who is that gentlemam, pray, with Sir Jas. 1you?

Char. I am determined; and all the fathers Gre. An apothecary, sir. Mr. Apothecary, I in the world shall never oblige me to marry condesire you would immediately apply that song I trary to my inclinations. prescribed.

Sir Jus. I have Sir Jas. A song, doctor! Prescribe a song? Char. I will never submit to this tyranny; and

Gre. Prescribe a song, sir! Yes, sir; prescribe if I must not have the man I like, I'll die a maid. 1 song, sir. Is there any thing so strange in

Sir Jas. You shall have Mr. Dapperthat? Did you never hear of pills to purge me- Chur. No--not in any manner_10t in the lancholy? If you understand these things better least-not at all! You throw away your breath ; than I, why did you send for me? 'Sbud, sir, this you lose your time: you may confine me, beat song would make a stone speak. But, if you me, bruise me, destroy me, kill me; do what you please, sir, you and I will confer at some dis- will, use me as you will; but I never will consent; tance, during the application; for this song will nor all your threats, nor all your blows, nor all do you as much harm as it will do your daughter your ill usage, never shall force me to consent. good. Be sure, Mr. Apothecary, to pour it down So far from giving him my heart, I never will her ears very closely.

give him my hand: for he is my aversion; I AIR VI.

hate the very sight of him; I had rather see the

devil! I had rather touch a toad ! you may make Lean. Thus, lovely patient, Charlotte sees me miserable another way; but with bim you Her dying patient kneel ;

shan't, that I'm resolved ! Soon cured will be your feigned disease ; i Gre. There, sir, there! I think we have

brought her tongue to a pretty tolerable consist

Enter DORCAS. ency.

Dor. Where is this villain, this rogue, this Sir Jas. Consistency, quotha ! why, there is pretended physician? no stopping her tongue- -Dear doctor, I desire Sir Jas. "Heyday! What, what, what's the you would make her duinb again,

matter now? Gre. That's impossible, sir.

All that I can

Dor. Oh, sirrah, sirrah ! Would you have dedo to serve you is, I can make you deaf, if you stroyed your wife, you villain? Would you have please.

been guilty of murder, dog? Sir Jas. And do you think

Gre. Hoity toity! What madwoman is this? Char. All your reasoning shall never conquer Sir Jas. Poor wretch! For pity's sake, cure my resolution.

her, doctor. Sir Jas. You shall marry Mr. Dapper this Gre. Sir, I shall not cure her, unless someevening,

body gives me a fee - If you will give me a Char. I'll be buried first. Gre. Stay, sir, stay! let me regulate this af- fee, Sir Jasper, you shall see me cure her this

instant. fair; it is a distemper that possesses her, and I

Dor, I'll fee you, you villain-cure me! know what remedy to apply to it. Sir Jas. Is it possible, sir, that you can cure

AIR.-VII. the distempers of the mind? Gre. Sir, I can cure any thing. Hark ye, Mr.

If you hope, by your skill Apothecary! you see that the love she has for

To give Dorcas a pill, Leander is entirely contrary to the will of her fa

You are not a good politician : ther, and that there is no time to lose, and that

Could wives but be brought an immediate remedy is necessary. For my part,

To swallow the draught, I know of but one, which is a dose of purgative

Each husband would be a physician. running-away, mixt with two drams of pills matrimoniac, and three large handfuls of the arbor

Enter JAMES. vitæ; perhaps she will make some difficulty to James. O sir, undone, undone! Your daughter take them; but as you are an able apothecary, is run away with her lover Leander, who was I shall trust to you for the success. Go, make here disguised like an apothecary—and this is her walk in the garden; be sure lose no time; the rogue of a physician who has contrived all to the remedy quick; to the remedy specific ! the affair.

[Exeunt LEANDER and CHARLOTTE. Sir Jas. How! am I abused in this manner? Sir Jas. What drugs, sir, were those I heard Here! who is there? Bid my clerk bring pen, you mention, for I don't remeinber I ever heard ink, and paper; I'll send this fellow to jail imthem spoke of before?

mediately. Gre. They are some, sir, lately discovered by James. Indeed, my good doctor, you stand a the Royal Society.

very fair chance to be hanged for stealing an Sir Jas. Did you ever see any thing equal to heiress. her insolence ?

Gre. Yes, indeed, I believe I shall take my Gre. Daughters are indeed sometimes a little degrees now. too headstrong.

Dor. And are they going to hang you, my Sir Jas. You cannot imagine, sir, how foolish- dear husband ? ly fond she is of that Leander.

Gre. You see, my dear wife. Gre. The heat of blood, sir, causes that in Dor. Had you finished the faggots, it had been

some consolation. Sir Jas. For my part, the moment I discovered the violence of her passion, I have always

Enter LEANDER and CHARLOTTE. kept her locked up.

Lean. Behold, sir, that Leander, whom you Gre. You have done very wisely.

had forbid your house, restores your daughter Sir Jus. And I have prevented them from hav- to your power, even when he had her in his. I ing the least communication together : for who will receive her, sir, only at your hands-I knows what might have been the consequence? have received letters, by which I have learnt the Who knows but she might have taken it into her death of an uncle,whose estate far exceeds that head to have run away with him.

of your intended son-in-law, Gre. Very true.

Sir Jas. Sir, your virtue is beyond all estates; Sir Jas. Ay, sir, let me alone for governing and I give you my daughter with all the pleasure girls ; I think I have some reason to be vain on in the world. that head; I think I have shewn the world that Lean. Now my fortune makes me liappy inI understand a little of women-I think, I have: deed, my dearest Charlotte !-And, doctor, I'll and, let me tell you, sir, there is not a little art make thy fortune, too. required. If this girl had had some fathers, they Gre. If you would be so kind to make me had not kept her out of the lands of so vigilant a physician in earnest, I should desire no other a lover, as I have done.

fortune. Gre. No, certainly, sir.

Lean. Faith, doctor, I wish I could do that, in

young minds.

ease ;

return for your having made me an apothecary; | You may send for a dozen great doctors in vain : but I'll do as well for thee, I'll warrant. All give their opinion, and pocket their fees;

Dor. So, so! our physician, I find, has brought Each writes her a cure, though all miss her disabout fine matters. And is it not owing to me, sirrah, that you have been a physician at all?

Powders, drops, Sir Jas. May I beg to know whether you are

Julaps, slops, a physician or not-or what the devil you are? A cargo of poison from physical shops. Gre

. I think, sir, after the miraculous cure Though they physic to death the unhappy poor you have seen me perform, you have no reason maid, to ask whether I am a physician or no–And What's that to the doctor_since he must be for you, wife, I'll henceforth have you behave paid? with all deference to my greatness.

Would you know how you may manage her right? Dor. Why, thou puffed up fool, I could have Our doctor has brought you a nostrum to-night, made as good a physician myself; the cure was

Can never vary, owing to the apothecary, not the doctor.

Nor miscarry,

If the lover be but the apothecary. AIR.—We've cheated the Parson, &c.

Chorus.-Can never tary, &c. When tender young dirgins look pale and com


[blocks in formation]

SCENE I. A Street.

Enter LETTICE. Enter Mrs. HIGHMAN, pushing Joun out of

Mrs. High. Oh, Mrs. Lettice, is it you? I am the door.

extremely glad to see you—you are the very perMrs. High. Begone, sirrah! Out of my house! son I would meet. Mr. Letter-carrier ! and if I ever catch you in it Let. I am inuch at your service, madam. again, your ears shall pay for your audacity. Mrs. High. Oh, madam, I know very well that;

John. Lord! ma'am, this is not a love-letter and at everyone's service, I dare swear, that will from my master to your niece, if the last was- pay for it: but all the service, inadam, that I this is only from Mrs. Lettice, to your ladyship's bave for you, is to carry a message to your mawoman, to invite her to our house this evening- ster-I desire, madam, that you will tell him we are to have a rout.

from me, that he is a very great villain, and that Mrs. High. A rout, indeed! I'd rout you all I entreat him never more to come near my. to some tune, were I your mistress. But begone, doors; for, if I find him within them, I will turn sirrah: I'll listen no longer to your impudence my niece out of them. and tell that saucy jade, Lettice, to send no more Let. Truly, madam, you must send this by of her letters to my house.

another messenger: but, pray, what has my John. Lord ! tna’am, here she isso, if you master done to deserve it should be sent at all? please, you can tell her yourself. [Erit. Mrs. High. He has donegothing yet, I believe.

« PreviousContinue »