Gre. O physic and matrimony! My wife! Dor. For, though the rogue used me a little roughly, he was as good a workman as any in five miles of his head.

AIR V.-Thomas, I cannot.
A fig for the dainty civil spouse,
Who's bred at the court of France;
He treats his wife with smiles and bows,
And minds not the good main-chance,
Be Gregory

The man for me,

Though given to many a maggot:
For he would work
Like any Turk;

None like him e'er handled a faggot, a faggot,
None like him e'er handled a fuggot!

Gre. What evil stars, in the devil's name, bave sent her hither? If I could but persuade her to take a pill or two, that I'd give her, I should be a physician to some purpose-Come, hider, my shild, leta me feela your pulse?

Dor. What have you to do with my pulse? Gre. I am de French physicion, my dear, and I am to feela de pulse of de pation.

Dor. Yes, but I am no pation, sir; nor want no physician, good doctor Ragou.

Gre. Begar, you must be puta to-bed, and taka de peel; me sal give you de little peel dat sal cure you, as you have more distempre den evere were hered off.

Dor. What's the matter with the fool? If you feel my pulse any more, I shall feel your ears for you.

Gre. Begar, you must taka de peel.
Dor. Begar, I shall not taka de peel.

Gre. I'll take this opportunity to try her. [Aside.]-Maye dear, if you will not letta me cura you, you sala cura me; you sall be my physicion, and I will give you de fee.

[Holds out a purse. Dor. Ay, my stomach does not go against those pills; and what must I do for your fee? Gre. O, begar! me vill show you; me villa teacha you what you sal doe; you must come kissa me now, you must come kissa me now. Dor. [Kisses him.]-As I live, my very bang dog! I've discovered him in good time, or he had discovered me-[Aside.]-Well, doctor, and

are you cured now?

Gre. I shall make myself a cuckold presently Aside.]-Dis is not a proper place, dis is too public; for sud any one pass by while I taka dis phisic, it vill preventa de operation. Dor. What physic, doctor? Gre. In your ear, dat, [Whispers. Dor. And in your ear dat, sirrah.-Hitting him a box.]-Do you dare affront my virtue, you villain! D'ye think the world should bribe me to part with my virtue, my dear virtue! There, take your purse again.

Gre. But where's the gold?

Gre. O me! I'm so full of joy, I cannot tell thee more than that I am as much the happiest of men, as thou art the most virtuous of women!

Dor. And art thou really my Gregory? And hast thou any more of these purses?

Gre. No, my dear, I have no more about me; but 'tis probable, in a few days, I may have a hundred; for the strangest accident has happened to me!

Dor. Yes, my dear; but I can tell you whom you are obliged to for that accident: had you not beaten me this morning, I had never had you beaten into a physician.

Gre. Oh, oh! then 'tis to you I owe all that drubbing?

Dor. Yes, my dear; though I little dreamt of the consequence.

Gre. How infinitely I'm obliged to thee! But hush!

Gre. Let me feel your pulse.

Hel. Not for myself, good doctor; I am, myself, sir, a brother of the faculty, what the world calls a mad doctor. I have at present under my care a patient, whom I can by no means prevail with to speak.

Gre. I shall make him speak, sir.

Hel. It will add, sir, to the great reputation you have already acquired; and I am happy in finding you.

Gre. Sir, I am as happy in finding you.― [Taking him aside.You see that woman, there? she is possessed with a most strange sort of madness, and imagines every man she sees to be her husband. Now, sir, if you will but admit her into your house

Hel, Most willingly, sir.

Gre. The first thing, sir, you are to do, is to let out thirty ounces of her blood: then, sir, you are to shave off all her hair; all her hair, sir; after which you are to make a very severe use of your rod, twice a day; and take a particular care that she have not the least allowance beyond bread and water,

Hel. Sir, I shall readily agree to the dictates of so great a man; nor can I help approving of your method, which is exceeding mild and wholesome.

will take a particu...r care of the lady.

SCENE III-SIR JASPER's house. Enter SIR JASPER, CHARLOTTE, and Maid. Sir Jas. Has she made no attempt to speak, yet?

Maid. Not in the least, sir; so far from it, that, as she used to make a sort of noise before, she is now quite silent.

Sir Jas. Looking on his watch.]-Tis almost the time the doctor promised to return-Oh, he is here! Doctor, your servant.

Enter GREGORY and LEANDER.

Gre. Well, sir, how does my patient?

Sir Jus. Rather worse, sir, since your prescription.

Gre. So much the better; 'tis a sign that it operates.

Sir Jas. Who is that gentlemam, pray, with you?

Gre. An apothecary, sir. Mr. Apothecary, I desire you would immediately apply that song I prescribed.

Sir Jas. A song, doctor! Prescribe a song? Gre. Prescribe a song, sir! Yes, sir; prescribe a song, sir. Is there any thing so strange in that? Did you never hear of pills to purge melancholy? If you understand these things better than I, why did you send for me? 'Sbud, sir, this song would make a stone speak. But, if you please, sir, you and I will confer at some distance, during the application; for this song will do you as much harm as it will do your daughter good. Be sure, Mr. Apothecary, to pour it down her ears very closely.

But what physician e'er can ease
The torments which I feel?
Think, charming nymph, while I com-
plain,

Ah, think what I endure!

All other remedies are vain;
The lovely cause of all my pain
Can only cause my cure.

Gre. It is, sir, a great and subtle question among the doctors, Whether women are more easy to be cured than men? I beg you would attend to this, sir, if you please- -Some say, No; others say, Yes; and, for my part, I say both Yes and No; forasmuch as the incongruity of the opaque humours that meet in the natural temper of women, are the cause that the brutal part will always prevail over the sensible- -One sees that the inequality of their opinions depends upon the black movement of the circle of the moon; and as the sun, that darts his rays upon the concavity of the earth

Char. No, I am not at all capable of changing my opinion.

Sir Jas. My daughter speaks! my daughter speaks! Oh, the great power of physic! Oh, the admirable physician! How can I reward thee for such a service!

Gre. This distemper has given me a most insufferable deal of trouble.

[Traversing the stage in a great heat, the Apothecary following.]

Char. Yes, sir, I have recovered my speech; but I have recovered it to tell you, that I never will have any husband but Leander.

[Speaks with great eagerness, and drives SIR JASPER round the stage.

Sir Jas. But

Char. I will never submit to this tyranny; and if I must not have the man I like, I'll die a maid. Sir Jas. You shall have Mr. Dapper————

Char. No-not in any manner-not in the least-not at all! You throw away your breath; you lose your time: you may confine me, beat me, bruise me, destroy me, kill me; do what you will, use me as you will; but I never will consent; nor all your threats, nor all your blows, nor all your ill usage, never shall force me to consent. So far from giving him my heart, I never will give him my hand: for he is my aversion; I hate the very sight of him; I had rather see the devil! I had rather touch a toad! you may make me miserable another way; but with him you shan't, that I'm resolved!

Gre. There, sir, there! I think we have

brought her tongue to a pretty tolerable consistency.

Sir Jas. Consistency, quotha! why, there is no stopping her tongue- -Dear doctor, I desire

you would make her dumb again. Gre. That's impossible, sir. All that I can do to serve you is, I can make you deaf, if you please.

Sir Jas. And do you think

Char. All your reasoning shall never conquer my resolution.

Sir Jas. You shall marry Mr. Dapper this evening.

Char. I'll be buried first.

Gre. Stay, sir, stay! let me regulate this affair; it is a distemper that possesses her, and I know what remedy to apply to it.

Sir Jas. Is it possible, sir, that you can cure the distempers of the mind?

ye,

Gre. Sir, I can cure any thing. Hark Mr. Apothecary! you see that the love she has for Leander is entirely contrary to the will of her father, and that there is no time to lose, and that an immediate remedy is necessary. For my part, I know of but one, which is a dose of purgative running-away, mixt with two drams of pills matrimoniac, and three large handfuls of the arbor vita; perhaps she will make some difficulty to take them; but as you are an able apothecary, I shall trust to you for the success. Go, make her walk in the garden; be sure lose no time; to the remedy quick; to the remedy specific ! [Exeunt LEANDER and CHARLOTTE. Sir Jas. What drugs, sir, were those I heard you mention, for I don't remember I ever heard them spoke of before?

Gre. They are some, sir, lately discovered by the Royal Society.

Sir Jas. Did you ever see any thing equal to her insolence?

Gre. Daughters are indeed sometimes a little too headstrong.

Sir Jas. You cannot imagine, sir, how foolishly fond she is of that Leander.

Gre. The heat of blood, sir, causes that in young minds.

Sir Jas. For my part, the moment I discovered the violence of her passion, I have always kept her locked up.

Gre. You have done very wisely.

Sir Jus. And I have prevented them from having the least communication together: for who knows what might have been the consequence? Who knows but she might have taken it into her head to have run away with him.

Gre. Very true.

Gre. No, certainly, sir.

Enter DORCAS.

Dor. Where is this villain, this rogue, this pretended physician?

Sir Jas. Heyday! What, what, what's the matter now?

Dor. Oh, sirrah, sirrah! Would you have destroyed your wife, you villain? Would you have been guilty of murder, dog?

Gre. Hoity toity! What madwoman is this? Sir Jas. Poor wretch! For pity's sake, cure her, doctor.

Gre. Sir, I shall not cure her, unless somebody gives me a fee If you will give me a fee, Sir Jasper, you shall see me cure her this e! Dor. I'll fee you, you villain—cure me

instant.

AIR.-VII.

If you hope, by your skill To give Dorcas a pill, You are not a good politician: Could wives but be brought To swallow the draught, Each husband would be a physician.

Enter JAMES.

James. O sir, undone, undone! Your daughter is run away with her lover Leander, who was here disguised like an apothecary-and this is the rogue of a physician who has contrived all

the affair.

Sir Jas. How! am I abused in this manner? Here! who is there? Bid my clerk bring pen, ink, and paper; I'll send this fellow to jail immediately.

James. Indeed, my good doctor, you stand a very fair chance to be hanged for stealing an heiress.

Gre. Yes, indeed, I believe I shall take my degrees now.

Dor. And are they going to hang you, my dear husband?

Gre. You see, my dear wife.

Dor. Had you finished the faggots, it had been some consolation.

Enter LEANDER and CHARLOTTE. Lean. Behold, sir, that Leander, whom you had forbid your house, restores your daughter to your power, even when he had her in his. I will receive her, sir, only at your hands-—- I have received letters, by which I have learnt the death of an uncle,whose estate far exceeds that of your intended son-in-law.

Sir Jas. Sir, your virtue is beyond all estates; and I give you my daughter with all the pleasure in the world.

Lean. Now my fortune makes me happy indeed, my dearest Charlotte !—And, doctor, I'll make thy fortune, too.

Gre. If you would be so kind to make me a physician in earnest, I should desire no other

fortune.

Lean. Faith, doctor, I wish I could do that, in

Dor. So, so! our physician, I find, has brought about fine matters. And is it not owing to me, sirrah, that you have been a physician at all? Sir Jas. May I beg to know whether you are a physician or not-or what the devil you are? Gre. I think, sir, after the miraculous cure you have seen me perform, you have no reason to ask whether I am a physician or no-And for you, wife, I'll henceforth have you behave with all deference to my greatness.

Dor. Why, thou puffed up fool, I could have made as good a physician myself; the cure was owing to the apothecary, not the doctor.

AIR. We've cheated the Parson, &c. When tender young virgins look pale and complain,