« PreviousContinue »
Enter COLONEL Bluff, and Lord Puff. Good. Pray, gentlemen, let me see this mi
racle of a son of ruine. Col. What, in the devil's name, is the mean Col. That you should, sir, long ago; but, realing of all this riot? What is the reason scoun- ly, sir, the house is a little out of order, at predrels, that you dare disturb gentlemen who are sent; there is but one room furnished in it, and getting as drunk as lords?
that is so full of company, that I am afraid there Slap. Sir we have authority for what we would be a small deficiency of chairs. You do.
can't imagine, sir, how opportune you are come; Col. Damn your authority, sir! if you don't there was not any one thing left in the house to go about your business, I shall shew you my raise any money upon. authority, and send you all to the devil.
Good. What, all my pictures gone? Slap. Sir, I desire you would give us leave to Col. He sold them first, sir; he was obliged enter the house, and seize our prisoner. to sell them for the delicacy of his taste: he cere Col. Not I, upon my honour, sir.
tainly is the modestest young fellow in the Slap. If you oppose us any longer, I shall pro- world, and has complained to me a hundred ceed to force.
times, drunk and soberCol. If you love force, I'll shew you the way, Good. Drunk, sir! what, does my son get you dogs ?
(Colonel drives them off drunk? Good. I find I am distracted; I am stark ra Col. Oh, yes, sir; regularly twice a day. He ving mad. I am undone, ruined, cheated, in- has complained of the indecent liberty painters posed on! but, please Heaven, I'll go see what's take in exposing the breasts and limbs of woin my house.
men; you had, indeed, sir, a very scandalous Col. Hold, sir, you must not enter here! collection, and he was never easy while they Good. Not enter into my own house, sir! were in the house. Col. No, sir, if it be yours, you must not come within it.
Enter VALENTINE. Good. Gentlemen, I only beg to speak with Val. My father returned! oh, let me throw the master of the house.
myself at his feet! and believe me, sir, I am at Col. Sir, the master of the house desires to
once overjoyed, and ashamed, to see your face. speak with no such fellows as you are ; you are Col. I told you, sir, he was one of the modestnot fit company
any of the gentlemen in this est young fellows in England. house.
Good. You inay very well be ashamed; but Good. Sir, the master of this house is my son. come, let me see the inside of my house ; let
Col. Sir, your most obedient humble servant; me see that both sides of my walls are standing. I am overjoyed to see you returned. Give me Val. Sir, I have a great deal of company leave, sir, to introduce you to this gentleman. within, of the first fashion, and beg you would
Good. Sir, your most obedient humble servant. not expose me before them.
Col. Give me leave to tell you, sir, you have Good. Oh, sir! I am their very humble serthe honour of being father to one of the finest vant; I am infinitely obliged to all the persons gentlemen of the age: a man so accomplished, of fashion, that they will so generously condeso well-bred, and so generous, that I believe he scend to eat a poor citizen out of house and never would part with a guest while he had a home. shilling in his pocket, nor, indeed, while he could
Col. Hark'e, Val? shall we toss this old felborrow one.
low in a blanket? Good. I believe it, indeed, sir; therefore, you Val. Sir, I trust in your good nature and forcan't wonder if I am impatient to see him. giveness; and will wait on you in. Col. Be not in such haste, dear sir : I want to
Good. Oh, that ever I should live to see this talk with you about your affairs; I hope you day!
[Ereunt. have bad good success in the Indies, have cheated the company handsomely, and made an
SCENE II.-A dining room. immense fortune?
Lord Puff, and several gentlemen and ladies Good. I have no reason to complain.
discovered at a table. Col. I am glad on't-give me your hand, sir; and so will your son, I dare swear; and let me
Enter Goodall and VALENTINE. tell you, it will be very opportune; he began to Val. Gentlemen, my father beir.g just arrived want it. You can't imagine, sir, what a fine life from the Indies, desires to make one of this good he has led since you went away--it would do company, your heart good if you was but to know what an Good. My good lords, (that I may affront none equipage he has kept; what balls and entertain- by calling bim beneath his title) I am highly menis he has made; he is the talk of the whole sensible of the great honour you do myself and town, sir ; a man would work with pleasure for my son, by filling my poor house with your noble such a son; he is a fellow with a soul, damn me! persons, and your noble persons with my poor Your fortune won't be thrown away upon him; wine and provisions. for, get as much as you please, my life, he Lord Puff. Sir! Rat me! I would have you spends every farthing!
know, I think I do you too much honour in en.
tering into your doors. But I am glad you bave ster, that I was determined to leave no stone taught me at what distance to keep such mecha- unturned to bring them together. nics for the future. Come, gentlemen, let us to Good. Eh! Egad, I like her generous passion the opera. I see if a man hath not good blood for my son so much, that if you, madam, will in bis veins, riches won't teach him to behave give her a fortune equal to what I shall settle like a gentleman.
[Erit LORD PUFF. on him, I shall not prevent their happiness. Good. 'Sbodlikins! I am in a rage ! That ever Mrs. High. Won't you? Then I shall do all a fellow should upbraid me with good blood in in my power to make it a match. his veins, when, odsheart! the best blood in his Let. And so, sir, you take no notice of poor veins hath run through my bottles. Come, sir, Lettice? but, statesman like, your own turn follow your companions; for I am determined served, forget your friends ? to turn you out directly.
Ler. That statesmen oft their friends forget, Char. Then, sir, I am determined to go with
Their ends obtained, is cleur, sir; bim. Be comforted, Valentine ; I have some for
So, I'm forgot, your place I'll quit, tube wbich my aunt cannot prevent mc from,
And seek a service here, sir, and it will make us happy, for a while at least; I'll prove my love in every sense, and I prefer a year, a month, a day, with the
Be dutiful, observant, man I love, to a whole stupid age without him. So drop in here a few nights hence,
(As VALENTINE and CHARLOTTE are go And hire your humble servant,
ing, they are met by Mrs. HIGHMAN
and LETTICE. Mrs. High. What do I see ! my niece in the She'll prove her love in every sense, very arms of her betrayer !
Be dutiful, observant, Iet. I humbly ask pardon of you both--but So drop in here a few nights hence, my master was so heartily in love with your And hire your humble servant, niece, and she so heartily in love with my ma
SCENE I. The cobler's house.
own house, and that this is trcason against my
majesty ? JOBSON and NELL.
Nell. Did ever one hear such stuff! But, I
pray, you, now, Jobson, don't go to the alehouse Nell. Pr'YTHEE, good Jobson, stay with me to-night! to-night, and for once make merry at home. Job. Well, I'll humour you for once; but don't
Job. Peace, peace, you jade, and go spin; for, grow saucy upon't; for I am invited by Sir John if I lack any thread for my stitching, I will Loverule's butler, and am to be princely drunk punish you by virtue of my sovereign authority. with punch, at the hall place; we shall have a
Nell. Ay, marry, no doubt of that; whilst bowl large enough to swim in. you take your swing at the alehouse, spend your Nell. But they say, husband, the new lady substance, get drunk as a beast, then come will not suffer a stranger to enter her doors; she home like a sot, and use one like a dog. grudges even a draught of small beer to her own
Job. Nounz! do you prate? Why, how now, servants; and several of the tenants bave come brazen-face, do you speak ill of the goverument? home with broken heads from her ladyship's own Don't you know, bussy, that I am king in my hands, only for smelling strong beer in her house,
Job. A pox on her for a fanatical jade! she Lucy. I am sure I always feel her in my has almost distracted the good knight : But she's bones: if her complexion don't please her, or uow abroad, feasting with her relations, and will she looks yellow in a morning, I ain sure to look scarce come home to-night; and we are to have black and blue for it before night. much drink, a fidd!e, and merry gambols.
Cook. Pox on her! I dare not come within her Nell. O dear husband! let me go with you; reach. I have some six broken heads already. we'll be as merry as the night's long!
A lady, quotha! a she-bear is a civiler animal. Job. Why, how now, you bold baggage ! Foot. Heaven help my poor master ! this dewould you be carried to a company of smooth-vilish termagant scolding woman will be the faced, eating, drinking, lazy serving-men? no, death of him ; I never saw a nan so altered all no, you jade, I'll not be a cuckold.
the days of my life. Nell. I'm sure they would make me welcome; Cook. There's a perpetual motion in that you promised I should see the house, and the tongue of hers, and a damned shrill pipe, enough family has not been here before, since you mar- to break the drum of a man's ear. ried and brought ine home. Job. Why, thou most audacious strumpet,
Enter blind Fiddler, Jobson, and neighbours, dar'st thou dispute with me, thy lord and mas But, Welcome, welcome all; this is our wish! ter? Get in and spin, or else my strap shall wind Honest old acquaintance, goodman Jobson ! about thy ribs most confoundedly.
how dost thou ?
Job. By my troth, I am always sharp set to-, AIR.–The Twitcher.
wards punch, and am now come with the firm He that has the best wife,
resolution, though but a poor cobler, to be as She's the plague of his life;
richly drunk as a lord. I am a true English But for her that will scold and will quarrel, heart, and look upon drunkenness as the best Let him cut her off short
part of the liberty of the subject, Of her meat and her sport,
But. Come, Jobson, we'll bring out our bowl And ten times a day hoop her barrel
, brave boys! of punch in solemn procession ; and then for a And ten times a day hoop her barrel,
song to crown our happiness. Nell. Well, we poor women must always be
[They all go out, and return with a bowl slaves, and never have any joy; but you men
of punch. run and ramble at your pleasure. Job, Why, you inost pestilent baggage will
AIR.—Charles of Sueden. you be hooped? Be gone. Nell. I must obey.
Come jolly Bacchus, god of wine, [Going
Crown this night with pleasure ; Job. Stay! now I think on't, here's sixpence
Let none at cares of life repine, for you ; get ale and apples, stretch and puff thyself up with lamb's-wool, rejoice and revel by
To destroy our pleusure:
Fill up the mighty sparkling bowl, , thyself, be drunk, and wallow in thy own sty,
That every true and loyal soul like a grumbling sow as thou art.
May drink and sing without controul, He that has the best wife,
To support our pleasure.
Thus, mighty Bucchus, shalt thou be,
Guurdian of our pleasure;
That, under thy protection, we Butler, Cook, Footman, Coachman, Lucy, May enjoy new pleasure. LETTICE, &c.
And as the hours glide away, But. I would the blind fiddler and our danc We'll, in thy name, invoke their stay, ing neighbours were here, that we might rejoice
And sing thy praises, that we may a little, while our termagant lady is abroad ; I
Live and die with pleasure. bave made a most sovereign bowl of punch.
Lucy. We had need rejoice sometimes, for But. The king and the royal farnily, in a our devilish new lady will never suffer it in her brimmer ! hearing.
AIR. But. I will maintain, there is more mirth in a galley, than in our family : Our master, indeed, Here's a good health to the king, is the worthiest gentlenian--nothing but sweet And send him a prosperous reign; ness and liberality.
O'er hills and high mountains, Foot. But here's a house turned topsy-turvy, We'll drink dry the fountains, from heaven to bell, since she came hither. Until the sun rises again, brave boys !
Lucy. His former lady was all virtue and Until the sun rises again. mildness.
Then, here's to thee, my boy boon, But. Ay, rest her soul, she was 50; but this And here's to thee, niy boy boon; is inspired with a legiou of devils, who make her As we've tarried all day lay-about her like a fury.
For to drink down the sun,
pose your mind.
So we'll tarry and drink down the moon, brave Job. Nounz! what a pox, what a devil ails
boys! So we'll tarry and drink down the moon. Lady. O profane wretch! wicked varlet ! All. Huzza!
Sir John. For shame! your behaviour is mon
strous ! Enter Sir Join and Lady..
kudy. Was ever poor lady so miserable in a Lady. 0 Heaven and earth! What's here brutish busband as I am. I, that am so pious, within my doors? Is hell broke loose? What and so religious a roman! troops of fiends are here? Sirrah, you impudent rascal, speak?
Job. (Sings.] He that has the best wife, Sir John. For shame, my derr!-As this is
She's the plague of his life, a time of mirth and jollity, it has always been
But for her that will scold and will quarrel the custoin of my house, to give my servants li
[Erit Job. berty in this season, and to treat my country Lady. O rogue, scoundrel, villain!. neighbours, that with innocent sports they may
Sir John. Remember modesty, divert themselves.
Lady. I'll rout you all with a vengeance; I'll Lady. I say, weddle with your own affairs ; I spoil your squeaking treble. will govern my own house, without your putting [Beats the fiddle about the blind man's heud. in an oar. Shall I ask leave to correct my own
Fid. O murder, murder! I am a dark man; servants ?
which way shall I get hence? Oh Heaven ! she Sir John. I thought, madam, this had been has broke my fiddle, and undone me and my my house, and these my tenants and servants.
wife and children, Lady. Did I bring a fortune to be thus abused, Sir John. Here, poor fellow, take your staff and soubbed before people? Do you call my au- and be gone! There's money to buy you two thority iu question, ungrateful man? Look you such; that's your way. r. [Exit Fiddler. to your dogs and horses abroad, but it shall be Lady. Methinks you are very liberal, sir; must my province to govern here; nor will I be con- my estate maintain you in your profuseness? trouled by e'er a hunting, hawking knight in Sir John. Go up to your closet, pray, and comChristendom, AIR.
Lady. O wicked man! to bid me pray! Sir John. Ye gods ! you gave to me a wife,
Sir John. A man can't be completely curst, I Out of your grace and favour,
see, without marriage; but since there is such To be the comfort of my life,
a thing as separate maintenance, she shall toAnd I was glad to have her:
morrow enjoy the benefit of it.
AIR.--Of ull comforts I miscarried.
Of the states in life so carious,
Narriage, sure, is most precarious ;
"Tis a maze so strangely winding, Strife and noise, canting and hypocrisy, are eter
Still we are new mazes finding ;
'Tis an action so severe, nally afloat.-Tis impossible to bear it long. Lady. Ye filthy scoundrels, and odious jades!
That nought but death can set us clear. I'll teach you to junket thus, and steal my pro
Happy's the man, from wedlock free, visions; I shall be devoured at this rate.
Who knows to prize his liberty:
Were man wory But. I thought, madam, we might be merry
How they mirry, once upon a holiday. Lady. Holiday, you popish cur! Is one day
We should not be by half so full of misery. more holy than another? and if it be, you'll be [Knocking at the door.] Here, where are my sersure to get drunk upon it, you rogue! [Beats vants ? Must they be trighted from me!-Within kim.] You minx, you impudent flirt, are you jig- there---sec who knocks. ging it after an abominable fiddle ? all dancing Lady. Within there !-Where are my sluts ? is whorish, hussy! (Lugs her by the ears. | Ye drabs, ye queans--Lights there!
Lucy. O lud! she has pulled off both my ears.
Enter Servants sneuking, with candles. and quality! I blush for your
But. Sir, it is a doctor that lives teniniles off ; Lady. Consider your incapacity; you shall not he practises physic, and is an astrologer: your instruct me. Who are you, thus muffled? you worship knows him very well; he is a cunning buzzard ! [She beats them all; Jobson steals by. man, makes almanacks, and can help people to Job. I an
am an honest, plain, psalm-singing cob- their goods again. bler, madam; if your ladyship would but go to church, you might bear me above all the rest
Enter Doctor. there.
Doc. Sir, I humbly beg your honour's pardon Lady. I'll try thy voice here first, villain! for this uuseasonable intrusion; but I am be
(Strikes him. I nighted, and 'tis so dark that I can't possibly