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berlefs. Upon a strict calculation, it is found that there has been a great exceeding of late years in the fecond divifion, several brevets having been granted for the converting of fubalterns into scarfofficers; infomuch that within my memory the price of luteftring is raised above two-pence in a yard. As for the fubalterns, they are not to be numbered. Should our clergy once enter into the corrupt practice of the laity, by the splitting of their freeholds, they would be able to carry moft of the elections in England.

The body of the law is no lefs incumbered with fuperfluous members, that are like Virgil's army, which he tells us was fo crouded, many of them had not room to use their weapons. This prodigious fociety of men may be divided into the litigious and peaceable. Under the first are comprehended all thofe who are carried down in coach-fulls to Westminster-Hall, every morning in term-time. Martial's defcription of this fpecies of lawyers is full of humour:

Iras & verba locant.

"Men that hire out their words and anger;" that are more or less paffionate according as they are paid for it, and allow their client a quantity of wrath proportionable to the fee which they receive from him. I muft however obferve to the reader, that above three parts of those whom I reckon among the litigious are fuch as are only quarrelfome in their hearts, and have no opportunity of fhewing their paffion at the bar. Nevertheless, as they do not know what ftrifes may arife, they appear at the hall every day, that they may chew themselves in a readiness to enter the lifts, whenever there shall be occafion for them. The peaceable lawyers are, in the firft place, many of the benchers of the feveral inns of court, who seem to be the dignitaries of the law, and are endowed with thofe qualifications of mind that accomplish a man rather for a ruler than a pleader. These men live peaceably in their habitations, eating once a day, and dancing once a year, for the honour of their respective societies.

Another numberless branch of peaceable lawyers are those young men who, being placed at the inns of court in order to study the laws of their country, frequent the play-houfe more than Westminster-Hall, and are seen in all public affemblies, except in a court of juftice. I fhall fay nothing of thofe filent and busy multitudes that are employed within doors in the drawing-up of writings and conveyances; nor of thofe greater numbers that palliate their want of bufinefs with a pretence to fuch chamber-practice.

If, in the third place, we look into the profeffion of phyfic, we shall find a moft formidable body of men; the fight of them is enough to make a man serious, for we may lay it down as a maxim, that when a nation abounds in phyficians, it grows thin of people. Sir William Temple is very much puzzled to find out a reason why the northern hive, as he calls it, does not send out fuch prodigious fwarms, and over-run the world with Goths and Vandals, as it did formerly; but had that excellent author obferved that there were no ftudents in phyfic among the subjects of Thor and Woden, and that this fcience very much flourishes in the north at prefent, he might have found a better folution for this difficulty than any of thofe he has made ufe of. This body of men in our own country may be defcribed like the British army in Cæfar's time; fome of them flay in cha

riots, and fome on foot. If the infantry do lefs execution than the charioteers, it is because they cannot be carried fo foon into all quarters of the town, and dispatch so much bufinefs in fo fhort a time. Befides this body of regular troops, there are ftragglers, who, without being duly lifted and enrolled, do infinite mischief to those who are so unlucky as to fall into their hands.

There are, befides the abovementioned, innumerable retainers to phyfic, who, for want of other patients, amuse themselves with the ftifling of cats in an air-pump, cutting up dogs alive, or impaling of infects upon the point of a needle for microscopical obfervations; befides thofe that are employed in the gathering of weeds, and the chase of butter-flies; not to mention the cockleshell-merchants and spider-catchers.

When I confider how each of these profeffions are crouded with multitudes that feek their livelihood in them, and how many men of merit there are in each of them, who may be rather faid to be of the fcience, than the profeffion; I very much wonder at the humour of parents, who will not rather choose to place their fons in a way of life where an honeft industry cannot but thrive, than in ftations where the greatest probity, learning, and good fenfe may mifcarry. How many men are country-curates, that might have made themselves aldermen of London, by a right improvement of a smaller fum of money than what is ufually laid out upon a learned education? A fober frugal perfon, of flender parts and a flow apprehenfion, might have thrived in trade, though he ftarves upon phyfic; as a man would be well enough pleased to buy filks of one, whom he would not venture to feel his pulfe. Vagellius is careful, ftudious, and obliging, but withal a little thick-fkulled; he has not a fingle client, but might have had abundance of cuf tomers. The misfortune is, that parents take a liking to a particular profeffion, and therefore defire their fons may be of it; whereas, in so great an affair of life, they should confider the genius and abilities of their children, more than their own inclinations.

It is the great advantage of a trading nation, that there are very few in it fo dull and heavy, who may not be placed in ftations of life, which may give them an opportunity of making their fortunes. A well-regulated commerce is not, like law, phyfic, or divinity, to be over-stocked with hands; but, on the contrary, flourishes by multitudes, and gives employment to all its profeffors. Fleets of merchant- men are fo many fquadrons of floating fhops, that vend our wares and manufactures in all the markets of the world, and find out chapmen under both the tropics.

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prefume I am a master, to wit, in representing 'human and still life together. I have feveral 'times acted one of the finest flower-pots in the 'fame opera wherein Mr. Screne is a chair; there 'fore upon his promotion, requeft that I may 'fucceed him in the hangings, with my hand in the orange-trees. Your humble fervant, RALPH SIMPLE.'

Drury-Lane, March 24, 1710-11.

them, one could not believe that such matters had really been exhibited. There is very little which concerns human life, or is a picture of nature, that is regarded by the greater part of the company. The understanding is difmiffed from our entertainments. Our mirth is the laughter of fools, and our admiration the wonder of idiots; elfe fuch improbable, monftrous, and incoherent dreams could not go off as they do, not only without the utmoft fcorn and contempt, but even with the loudest applause and approbation. But the letters of my correfpondents will represent this affair in a more lively manner than any difcourfe of my own; I fhall therefore give them to my reader with only this preparation, that they all come from players, and that the bufinefs of playing is now fo managed, that you are not to be furprized when I fay one or two of them are rational, others fenfitive and vegetative actors, and others wholly inanimate. I shall not place thefe as I have named them, but as they have precedence in the opinion of their audi-perform our parts. As to fcenes of madness, you

ence.

Mr. SPECTATOR,

Y

OUR having been fo humble as to take notice of the epiftles of other animals. • emboldens me, who am the wild boar that was killed by Mrs. Tofts, to reprefent to you, that I think I was hardly used in not having the part of the lion in Hydafpes given to me. It would have been but a natural ftep for me to have perfonated that noble creature, after having behaved myself to fatisfaction in the part abovementioned; but that of a lion is too great a character for one that never trod the stage before but upon two legs. As for the little refiftance which I made, I hope it may be excufed, when it is confidered that the dart was thrown at me < by fo fair an hand. I must confefs I had but juft put on my brutality; and Camilla's charms 6 were fuch, that beholding her erect mien, hearing her charming voice, and aftonished with her graceful motion, I could not keep up to my affumed fiercenefs, but died like a man.

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• Sir,

I am,

Your most humble fervant,
THOMAS PRONE.'

Mr. SPECTATOR,

HIS is to let you understand, that the play

Thoufe is a reprefentation of the world in

nothing fo much as in this particular, that no
one rifes in it according to his merit. I have
acted feveral parts of houfhold-stuff with great
applaufe for many years; I am one of the men
in the hangings in the Emperor of the Moon; I
have twice performed the third chair in an En-
glifh opera; and have rehearfed the pump in
the Fortune-Hunters. I am now grown old,
and hope you will recommend me fo effectually,
as that I may fay fomething before I go off the
ftage in which you will do a great act of cha-
rity to
Your most humble fervant,
WILLIAM SCRENE.'

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Mr. SPECTATOR. "Nderstanding that Mr. Screne has writ to you, and defired to be raised from dumb and ftill parts; I defire, if you give him motion or fpeech, that you would advance me in my way, and let me keep on in what I humbly

I

SIR,

Saw your friend the Templar this evening in the pit, and thought he looked very little pleafed with the reprefentation of the mad scene of the Pilgrim. I wish, Sir, you would do us the 'favour to animadvert frequently upon the falfe 'taste the town is in, with the relation to plays C as well as operas. It certainly requires a degree of understanding to play juftly; but fuch is our condition, that we are to fufpend our reafon to

'know, Sir, there are noble inftances of this kind ' in Shakespear; but then it is the disturbance of ' a noble mind, from generous and humane refentments; it is like that grief which we have for the decease of our friends; it is no diminution, but a recommendation of human nature, that in fuch incidents paffion gets the better of reafon; and all we can think to comfort ourfelves, is impotent against half what we feel. I 'will not mention that we had an idiot in the fcene, and all the fenfe it is represented to have is that of luft. As for myself, who have long taken pains in perfonating the paffions, I have to-night acted only an appetite. The part I 'play'd is thirft, but it is reprefented as written rather by a dray-man than a poet. I come in 'with a tub about me, that tub hung with quart'pots, with a full gallon at my mouth, I am afhamed to tell you that I pleafed very much, and this was introduced as a madnefs; but fure it was not human madnefs, for a mule or an afs may have been as dry as ever I was in my life. 'I am, Sir,

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Your moft obedient

and humble fervant.'

From the Savoy in the Strand,

Mr. SPECTATOR,

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you can read it with dry eyes, I give you this trouble to acquaint you, that I am the unfortunate king Latinus, and believe I am the first prince that dated from this palace fince John of Gaunt. Such is the uncertainty of all human greatnefs, that I, who lately never moved without a guard, am now preffed as a common foldier, and am to fail with the first fair wind against my brother Lewis of France. It is a very hard thing to put off a character which one has appeared in with applause, this I experienced fince the lofs of my diadem: for, up-.. on quarrelling with another recruit, I spoke my 'indignation cut of my part in recitativo; --Moft audacious flave, "Dar'ft thou an angry monarch's fury brave? The words were no fooner out of my mouth, when a ferjeant knocked me down, and asked me if I had a mind to mutiny, in talking things nobody underfood. You fee, Sir, my unhappy circumftances; and if by your mediation you can procure a fubfidy for a prince (who never

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• failed to make all that beheld him merry at his appearance) you will merit the thanks of

Those who can put the best countenance upon the outrages of this nature which are offered them, are not without their fecret anguish. I The KING of LATIUM.' have often obferved a passage in Socrate's beha

• Your friend,

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Defcry'd not him, who gave the fatal wound; Nor knew to fix revenge.

T

man.

DRYDEN. HERE is nothing that more betrays a bafe ungenerous fpirit, than the giving of fecret ftabs to a man's reputation. Lampoons and fatires, that are written with wit and fpirit, are like poifoned darts, which not only inflict a wound, but make it incurable. For this reafon I am very much troubled when I fee the talents of humour and ridicule in the poffeffion of an ill-natured There cannot be a greater gratification to a barbarous and inhuman wit, than to ftir up forrow in the heart of a private perfon, to raife uneasiness among near relations, and to expofe whole families to derifion, at the fame time that he remains unseen and undiscovered. If, befides the accomplishments of being witty and ill-natured, a man is vicious into the bargain, he is one of the most mischievous creatures that can enter into a civil fociety. His fatire will then chiefly upon thofe who ought to be the most exempt from it. Virtue, merit, and every thing that is praifeworthy, will be made the fubject of ridicule and buffoonry. It is impoffible to enumerate the evils which arife from these arrows that fly in the dark; and I know no other excufe that is or can be made for them, than that the wounds they give are only imaginary, and produce nothing more than a fecret fhame or forrow in the mind of the

fall

viour at his death, in a light wherein none of the critics have confidered it. That excellent man, entertaining his friends a little before he drank the bowl of poifon, with a difcourfe on the immortality of the foul, at his entering upon it, says, that he does not believe any the most comic genius can cenfure him for talking upon fuch a subject at fuch a time. This paffage, I think, evidently glances upon Ariftophanes, who writ a comedy on purpose to ridicule the difcourfes of that divine philosopher. It has been obferved by many writers, that Socrates was fo little moved at this piece of buffoonry, that he was several times prefent at its being acted upon the ftage, and never expreffed the leaft refentment of it. But with fubmiffion, I think the remark I have here made fhews us, that this unworthy treatment made an impreffion upon his mind, though he had been too wife to discover it.

fuffering perfon. It must indeed be confefs'd, that a lampoon or fatire do not carry in them robbery or murder; but at the fame time, how many are there that would not rather lofe a confiderable fum of money, or even life itfelf, than be fet up as a mark of infamy and derifion? and in this cafe a man fhould confider, that an injury is not to be measured by the notions of him that gives, but of him who receives it,

When Julius Cæfar was lampoon'd by Catullus, he invited him to a fupper, and treated him with fuch a generous civility, that he made the poet his friend ever after. Cardinal Mazarine gave the fame kind treatment to the learned Quillet, who had reflected upon his eminence in a famous Latin poem. The Cardinal fent for him, and after fome kind expoftulations upon and difmiffed him with a promise of the next what he had written, affured him of his esteem, good abbey that should fall, which he accordingly conferred upon him in a few months after. This had fo good an effect upon the author, that he dedicated the fecond edition of his book to the Cardinal, after having expunged the paffageswhich had given him offence.

The

Sextus Quintus was not of fo generous and forgiving a temper. Upon his being made Pope, the ftatue of Pafquin was one night dreffed in a very dirty fhirt, with an excufe written under it, that he was forced to wear foul linen, because his laundrefs was made a princefs. This was a reflection upon the Pope's fifter, who, before the promotion of her brother, was in those mean circumftanees that Pafquin reprefented her. As this pafquinade made a great noife in Rome, the Pope offered a confiderable sum of money to any perfon that should discover the author of it. author relying upon his Holiness's generofity, as alfo on fome private overtures which he had received from him, made the difcovery himself; upon which the Pope gave him the reward he had promifed, but at the fame time, to disable the fatirft for the future, ordered his tongue to be cut out, and both his hands to be chopped off. Aretine is too trite an inftance. Every one knows that all the Kings in Europe were his tributaries. Nay, there is a letter of his extant, in which he makes his boafts that he had laid the Sophi of Perfia under contribution.

Though in the various examples which I have here drawn together, these several great men behaved themfelves very differently towards the wits of the age who had reproached them; they all of them plainly fhewed that they were very fenfible of their reproaches, and confequently that they received them as very great injuries. For my own part, I would never truft a man that I thought was capable of giving thefe fecret wounds; and cannot but think that he would hurt the per

E 2

fon,

fon, whofe reputation he thus affaults, in his body or in his fortune, could he do it with the fame fecurity. There is indeed fomething very barbarous and inhuman in the ordinary fcribblers of lampoons. An innocent young lady fhall be expofed, for an unhappy feature. A father of a family turned to ridicule, for fome domeftic calamity. A wife be made uneafy all her life, for a mifinterpreted word or action. Nay, a good, a temperate, and a just man, shall be put out of countenance by the reprefentation of thofe qualities that should do him honour. So pernicious a thing is wit, when it is not tempered with virtue and humanity.

night at fuch an hour, is teazed by a fwarm of them; who, because they are fure of room and good fire, have taken it in their heads to keep a fort of club in his company; though the fober gentleman himself is an utter enemy to fuch meetings.

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I have indeed heard of heedlefs inconfiderate writers, that without any malice have facrificed the reputation of their friends and acquaintance, to a certain levity of temper, and a filly ambition of diftinguishing themselves by a spirit of raillery and fatire; as if it were not infinitely more honourable to be a good-natured man, than a wit. Where there is this little petulant humour in an author, he is often very mifchievous without defigning to be fo. For which reafon I always lay it." down as a rule, that an indiscreet man is more hurtful than an ill-naqured one; for as the latter will only attack his enemies, and thofe he wishes ill to, the other injures indifferently both friends and foes. I cannot forbear, on this occafion, tranfcribing a fable out of Sir Roger l'Eftrange, which accidently lies before me. A company of waggish boys were watching of frogs at the fide of a pond, and ftill as any of 'em put up their heads, they'd be pelting them down again with ftones. Children, fays one of the frogs, you never confider that though this may be play to you, 'tis death to us.'

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Mr. SPECTATOR,

TH

HE averfion I for fome years have had to clubs in general, gave me a perfect relish for your fpeculation on that fubject; but I have fince been extremely mortified, by the 'malicious world's ranking me amongst the fupporters of fuch impertinent affemblies. I beg leave to state my cafe fairly; and that done, I fhall expect redrefs from your judicious pen. 'I am, Sir, a bachelor of fome standing, and a traveller; my business, to confult my own humour, which I gratify without controlling ' other people's; I have a room and a whole bed 'to myself; and I have a dog, a fiddle, and a gun; they please me, and injure no creature alive. My chief meal a fupper, which I always make at a tavern. I am conftant to an hour, and not ill-humoured; for which reafons, though I invite nobody, I have no fooner fupped, than I have a crowd about me of that fort ' of good company that know not whither else to go. It is true every man pays his share; yet as they are intruders, I have an undoubted right to be the only fpeaker, or at least the loudeft; ' which I maintain, and that to the great emo'lument of my audience. I fometimes tell them their own in pretty free language; and fome"times divert them with merry tales, according as I am in humour. I am one of those who live in taverns to a great age, by a fort of regu'lar intemperance; I never go to bed drunk. but always fluftered; I wear away very gently am apt to be peevish, but never angry. Mr. Spectator, if you have kept various company, you know there is in every tavern in town fome 'old humeurift or other, who is mafter of the house as much as he that keeps it. The drawers are all in awe of him; and all the customers, who frequent his company, yield him a fort of comical obedience. I do not know but I may be 'fuch a fellow as this myself. But I appeal to you, whether this is to be called a club, because fo many impertinents will break in upon me, and come without appointment? Clinch of Barnet has a nightly meeting, and shows to every one that will come in and pay; but then he is the only actor: Why fhould people mifcal things? V If his is allowed to be a concert, why main't 'mine be a le&ture? However, Sir, I submit it to you, and am,

As this week is in a manner fet apart and dedicated to ferious thoughts, 1 fhail indulge myfelf in fuch speculations as may not be altogether unfuitable to the feafon; and in the mean time, as the fettling in ourselves a charitable frame of mind is a work very proper for the time, I have in this paper endeavoured to expofe that particular breach of charity which has been generally overlooked by divines, because they are but few who can be guilty of it,

с

No. 24. WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28.
Accurrit quidum notus mihi nomine tantùm ;
Arreptâque manu, Quid agis, dullciffime rerum?
HOR. Sat. I. ix. 3.
Comes up a fop (I knew him but by fame)
And feiz'd my hand, and call'd me by my name--
---My Dear !-. -how doft?

TH

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Good Sir,

Y

Sir,

Your moft obedient, &c.
THO. KIMBOW."

HERE are in this town a great number of infignificant people, who are by no means fit for the better fort of conversation, and yet have an impertinent ambition of appearing with thofe to whom they are not welcome. If you walk in the Park, one of them will certainly join: OU and I were press'd against each other with you, though you are in company with la- . laft winter in a crowd, in which uneafy dies; if you drink a bottle, they will find your. pofture we fuffer'd together for almost half an haunts. What makes fuch fellows the more bur-hour, I thank you for all your civilities ever denfome is, that they neither offend nor pleafe fo far as to be taken notice of for either. It is, I prefume, for this reafon, that my correfpondents are willing by my means to be rid of them. The two following letters are writ by persons who fuffer by fuch impertinence. A worthy old bachelor, who feta in for his dofe of clarer every

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fince, in being of my acquaintance wherever

< you meet me. But the other day you pull'd off your hat to me in the Park when I was walking with my miftrefs. She did not like your air, and faid the wondered what ftrange fellows I was acquainted with. Dear Sir, confider it is as much as my life is worth, if she should think " we

we were intimate; therefore I earnestly intreat
you for the future to take no manner of notice of,
• Sir,

Your obliged humble fervant,
WILL. FASHION,'

A like impertinence is also very troublesome to the fuperior and more intelligent part of the fair fex. It is, it feems, a great inconvenience, that those of the meaneft capacities will pretend to make vifits, though indeed they are qualified rather to add too the furniture of the houfe, by filling an empty chair, than to the conversation they come into when they visit. A friend of mine hopes for redrefs in this cafe, by the publication of her letter in my paper; which the thinks those fhe would be rid of will take to themselves. It feems to be written with an eye to one of those pert giddy unthinking girls, who upon the recommendation only of an agreeable perfon, and a fashionable air, take themfelves to be upon a level with women of the greatest merit.

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I

Madam,

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I

Take this way to acquaint you with what common rules and forms will never permit me to tell you otherwife; to wit, that you and 'I, though equals in quality and fortune, are by no means fuitable companions. You are, 'tis 6 true, very pretty, can dance, and make a very good figure in a public affembly; but alas, Madam, you must go no further; diftance and filence are your best recommendations; there'fore let me beg of you never to make me any more vifits. You come in a literal fense to fee one, for you have nothing to fay. I do not fay this, that I would by any means lofe your acquaintance; but I would keep it up with the 'frickeft forms of good-breeding. Let us pay vifits, but never fee one another. If you will 'be fo good as to deny yourself always to me, I 'fhall return the obligation by giving the fame 'crders to my fervants. When accident makes " us meet at a third place, we may mutually la< ment the misfortune of never finding one another at home, go in the fame party to a benefitplay, and finile at each other, and put down glaffes as we pafs in our coaches. Thus we may enjoy as much of each other's friendship < as we are capable: for there are fome people who are to be known only by fight, with 'which fort of friendship I hope you will always 'honour,

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• Madam,

Your moft obedient humble servant,
MARY TUESDAY.

P. S. I fubfcribe myself by the name of the day I keep, that my fupernumerary friends may know who I am."

ADVERTISEMENT.

"To prevent all mistakes, that may happen among gentlemen of the other end of the town, "who come but once a week to St. James's cof"fee-house, either by mifcalling the fervants, or "requiring fuch things from them as are not properly within their respective provinces; this is "to give notice, that Kidney, keeper of the "book-debts of the outlying customers, and ob"ferver of thofe who go off without paying, hav"ing refign'd that employment, is fucceeded by "John Sowton; to whofe place of enterer of

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SIR,

AM one of that fickly tribe who are commonly known by the name of Valetudinarians; and do confefs to you, that I first contracted this ill habit of body, or rather of mind, · by the study of phyfic. I no fooner began to perufe books of this nature, but I found my 'pulfe was irregular; and fcarce ever read the account of any disease that I did not fancy myfelf afflicted with. Doctor Sydenham's learned Treatife of Fevers threw me into a lingering. hectic, which hung upon me all the while I was 'reading that excellent piece. I then applied 'myself to the study of several authors, who have ' written upon phthifical diftempers, and by that means fell into a confumption; till at length, growing very fat, I was in a manner fhamed out of that imagination. Not long after this I found in myself all the fymptons of the gout, 'except pain; but was cured of it by a Treatife upon the Gravel, written by a very ingenious author, who (as it is ufual for phyficians to convert one diftemper into another) cafed me of the gout by giving me the ftone. I at length studied myself into a complication of diftempers; but accidentally taking into my hand 'that ingenious difcourfe written by Sanctorius, I was refolved to direct myself by a scheme of rules, which I had collected from his obfervations. The learned world are very well ac' quainted with that gentleman's invention; 'who, for the better carrying on of his experiments, contrived a certain mathematical chair, which was fo artificially hung upon fprings, that it would weigh any thing as well as a pair of fcales. By this means he difcovered how many ounces of his food pafs'd by perfpiration, 'what quantity of it was turned into nourish'ment, and how much went away by the other ⚫ channels and diftributions of nature. 'Having provided myself with this chair, I ufed to ftudy, eat, drink, and fleep in it ;. infomuch that I may be faid, for these three last years, to have lived in a pair of fcales. I compute myfelf, when I am in full health, to pe precifely two hundred weight, falling fhort of it about a 'pound after a day's fast, and exceeding it as much after a very full meal; fo that it is my 'continual employment to trim the balance be'tween these two volatile pounds in my consti

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tution. In my ordinary meals I fetch myself up 'to two hundred weight and half a pound; and "if after having dined I find myself fall fhort of it, I drink juft fo much small-beer, or eat fuch a quantity of bread, as is fufficient to make me weight. In my greatest exceffes I do not tran'grefs more than the other half pound; which, for my health's fake, do the first Monday i every month. As foon as I find myfelf du'·

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