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115. Controverfy feldom decently conducted. 'Tis no uncommon circumftance in controverty, for the parties to engage in all the fury of difputation, without precifely intructing their readers, or truly knowing themfelves, the particulars about which they differ. Hence that fruitlefs parade of argument, and thofe oppofite pretences to demonftration, with which most debates, on every subject, have been infefted, Would the contending partics firit befure of their own meaning, and then communicate their fenfe to others in plain terms and fimplicity of heart, the face of controverly would foon be changed, and real knowledge, inflead of imaginary conqueft, would be the noble reward of literary toil. Browne's Elays.

116. How to please in Conversation. None of the defires dictated by vanity is more general, or lefs blameable than that of being diftinguished for the arts of converfation. Other accomplishments may be poffeffed without opportunity of exerting them, or wanted without danger that the defect can often be remarked; but as no man can live otherwife than in an hermitage without hourly pleafure or vexation, from the fonduefs or neglect of thofe about him, the faculty of giving pleasure is of continual ufe. Few are more frequently envied than those who have the power of forcing attention wherever they come, whofe entrance is confidered as a promife of felicity, and whofe departure is lamented, like the recels of the fun from northern climates, as a privation of all that enlivens fancy and infpires gaiety.

hope of contributing reciprocally to the entertainment of the company. Merriment extorted by fallies of imagination, fprightlinets of remark, or quickness of reply, is too often what the Latins call, the Sardinian laughter, a diftortion of face without gladnefs of the heart.

For this reafon no ftile of converfation is more extensively acceptable than the narrative. He who has ftored his memory with flight anecdotes, private incidents, and perfonal peculiarities, feldom fails to find his audience favourable. Almost every man liftens with eagerness to extemporary history; for almot every man has fome real or imaginary connection with a celebrated character, fome defire to advance or oppofe a riling name. Vanity often cooperates with curiofity. He that is a hearer in one place, qualifies himself to become a fpeaker in another; for though he cannot comprehend a feries of argument, or tranfport the volatile fpirit of wit without evaporation, yet he thinks himfelf able to treafure up the various incidents of a story, and pleafes his hopes with the information which he hall give to fome inferior fociety.

Narratives are for the most part heard without envy, becaufe they are not fuppofed to imply any intellectual qualities above the common rate. To be acquainted with facts not yet echoed by plebeian mouths, may happen to one man as well as to another, and to relate them when they are known, has in appearance fo very little difficulty, that every one concludes himself equal to the tafk.

Rambler.

§ 117. The various Faults in Converfation and Behaviour pointed out.

It is apparent that to excellence in this valuable art, fome peculiar qualifications are neceffary; for every man's experience I fhall not attempt to lay down any parwill inform him, that the pleasure which ticular rules for converfation, but rather men are able to give in cinverfation holds point out fuch faults in difcourse and beno flated proportion to their knowledge or haviour, as render the company of half their virtue. Many find their way to the mankind rather tedious than amufing. It tables and the parties of those, who never is in vain, indeed, to look for convertation, confider them as of the leaft importance in where we might expect to find it in the any other place; we have all, at one time greatest perfection, among perfons of or other, been content to love thofe whom fathion: there it is almost annihilated by we could not etteem, and been perfuaded to univerfal card-playing: infomuch that I try the dangerous experiment of admitting have heard it given as a reafon, why it is him for a companion whom we know to be impoffible for our prefent writers to fuctoo ignorant for a councilor, and toɔ trea- ceed in the dialogue of genteel comedy, cherous for a friend. that our people of quality carce ever meet but to game. All their difcourfe turns upon the odd trick and the four honours: and it is no les a maxim with the votaries

He that would pleafe must rarely aim at fuch excellence as deprefies his hearers in their own opinion, or debars them from the

of

of whift than with thofe of Bacchus, that talking spoils company.

Every one endeavours to make himself as agreeable to fociety as he can; but it often happens, that those who moft aim at fhining in converfation, over-fhoot their mark. Though a man fucceeds, he fhould not (as is frequently the cafe) engrols the whole talk to himfelf; for that destroys the very effence of converfation, which is talking together. We fhould try to keep up converfation like a ball bandied to and fro from one to the other, rather than feize it all to ourfelves, and drive it before us like a foot-ball. We fhould likewife be Cautious to adapt the matter of our difcourie to our company; and not talk Greek before ladies, or of the lal new furbelow to a meeting of country juftices.

But nothing throws a more ridiculous air over the whole converfation, than certain peculiarities, eafily acquired, but very dificultly conquered and difcarded. In order to display thefe abfurdities in a truer light, it is my prefent purpose to enumerate fuch of them, as are most commonly to be met with; and first to take notice of thofe buffoons in fociety, the Attitudinarians and Face-makers. Thefe accompany every word with a peculiar grimace or gefture: they affent with a fhrug, and contradict with a twifting of the neck: are angry with a wry mouth, and pleafed in a caper of a minuet-ftep. They may be conidered as fpeaking harlequins; and their rules of eloquence are taken from the pofture-mafter. These should be condemned to converfe only in dumb-fhew with their own perfons in the looking-glafs; as well as the Smirkers and Smilers, who fo prettily fet off their faces, together with their words, by a je ne fçai-quoi between a grin and a dimple. With there we may likewife rank the affected tribe of Mimics, who are conftantly taking off the peculiar tone of voice or gefture of their acquaintance: though they are fuch wretched imitators, that (like bad painters) they are frequently forced to write the name under the picture, before they can difcover any likeness.

Next to thefe, whofe elocution is ab. forbed in action, and who converfe chiefly with their arms and legs, we may confider the profeffed Speakers. And first, the emphatical; who fqueeze, and prefs, and ran down every fyllable with exceflive vehemence and energy. Thefe orators are remarkable for their diftin&t clocution and

force of expreffion: they dwell on the im portant particles of and the, and the fignificant conjunctive and; which they feem to hawk up, with much difficulty, out of their own throats, and to cram them, with no lefs pain, into the ears of their auditors. Thefe fhould be fuffered only to fyringe (as it were) the ears of a deaf man, through an hearing-trumpet: though I must confefs, that I am equally offended with the Whisperers or Low Speakers, who feem to fancy all their acquaintance deaf, and come up fo clofe to you, that they may be faid to meafure nofes with you, and frequently overcome you with the full exhalations of a flinking breath. I would have thefe oracular gentry obliged to talk at a diftance through a fpeaking-trumpet, or apply their lips to the walls of a whifpering gallery. The Wits, who will not condefcend to utter any thing but a bon met, and the Whiftlers or Tune-hummers, who never articulate at all, may be joined very agreeably together in conceit; and to thofe tinkling cymbals I would alfo add the founding brafs, the Bawler, who enquires after your health with the bellowing of a towncrier.

The Tatlers, whofe pliable pipes are admirably adapted to the "foft parts of converfation," and fweetly "prattling out of fashion," make very pretty mufic from a beautiful face and a female tongue; but from a rough manly voice and coarfe features, mere nonfenfe is as harsh and diffonant as a jig from a hurdy-gurdy. The Swearers I have spoken of in a former paper; but the Half-fwearers, who fplit, and mince, and fritter their oaths into gad's bud, ad's fifh, and demme; the Gothic humbuggeis, and thofe who "nick-name God's creatures," and call a man a cabbage, a crab, a queer cub, an odd fish, and an unaccountable mufkin, should never come into company without an interpreter. But I will not tire my reader's patience by pointing out all the pelts of converfation: nor dweli particularly on the Senfibles, who pronounce dogmatically on the most trivial points, and peak in fentences; the Won derers, who are always wondering what o'clock it is, or wondering whether it will rain or no, or wondering when the moon changes, the Phrafeologifts, who explain a thing by all that, or enter into particulars with this and that and t'other; and lafly, the Silent Men, who feem afraid of opening their mouths, left they should catch cold, and literally obferve the pre

cept

conver

cept of the gospel, by letting their con fation be only yea yea, and nay nay.

The rational intercourfe kept up by converfation, is one of our principal didinetions from brutes. We fhould therefore endeavour to turn this peculiar talent to our advantage, and confider the organs of fpeech as the inftruments of understanding: we should be very careful not to ufe them as the weapons of vice, or tools of folly, and do our utmost to unlearn any trivial or ridiculous habits, which tend to leffen the value of fuch an inestimable prerogative. It is, indeed, imagined by fome philofo. phers, that even birds and beafts (though without the power of articulation) perfectly understand one another by the founds they utter; and that dogs, cats, &c. have each a particular language to themfelves, like different nations. Thus it may be fuppofed, that the nightingales of Italy have as fine an ear to their own native wood-notes, as any fignor or fignora for an Italian air; that the boars of Weftphalia gruntle as expreffively through the nofe as the inhabitants in High-German; and that the frogs in the dykes of Holland croak as intelligibly as the natives jabber their Low-Dutch. However this may be, we may confider thofe, whofe tongues hardly feem to be under the influence of reafon, and do not keep up the proper converfation of human creatures, as imitating the language of different animals. Thus, for intance, the affinity between chatterers and monkeys, and praters and parrots, is too obvious not to occur at once: Grunters and Growlers may be justly compared to hogs: Snarlers are curs, that continually fhew their teeth, but never bite; and the fpitfire paffionate are a fort of wild cats, that will not bear ftroking, but will pur when they are pleafed. Complainers are fcreech-owls; and ftory-tellers, always repeating the fame dull note, are cuckoos. Poets that prick up their ears at their own hideous braying, are no better than affes: Critics in general are venomous ferpents, that delight in hiffing; and fome of them, who have got by heart a few technical terms without knowing their meaning, are no other than magpies. Connoiffeur.

118. A Citizen's Country Houfe defcribed. Sir,

I remember to have feen a little French novel, giving an account of a citizen of Paris making an excurfion into the country. He imagines himself about to un

dertake a long voyage to fome strange region, where the natives were as different from the inhabitants of his own city as the moft diftant nations. He accordingly takes boat, and is landed at a village about a league from the capital. When he is fut on thore, he is amazed to fee the people fpeak the fame language, wear the fame drefs, and ufe the fame cuftoms with himfelf. He, who had spent all his life within the fight of Pont Neuf, looked upon every one that lived out of Paris as a foreigner; and though the utmot extent of his travels was not three miles, he was as much furprized, as he would have been to meet with a colony of Frenchmen on the Terra Incognita.

In your late paper on the amufements of Sunday, you have fet forth in what manner our citizens pafs that day, which mot of them devote to the country; but I wifh you had been more particular in your deicriptions of thofe elegant rural manfions, which at once fhew the opulence and the tafte of our principal merchants, mechanics, and artificers.

I went last Sunday, in compliance with a moft preffing invitation from a friend, to fpend the whole day with him at one of thefe little feats, which he had fitted ont for his retirement once a week from bufinefs. It is pleafantly fituated about three miles from London, on the fide of a public road, from which it is feparated by a dry ditch, over which is a little bridge, confifting of two narrow planks, leading to the houfe. From the lower part of the houfe there is no profpect; but from the garrets, indeed, one may fee two men hanging ia chains on Kennington-common, with a diftant view of St. Paul's cupola enveloped in a cloud of fmoke. I fet out in the morning with my friend's book-keeper, who was my guide. When I came to the house, I found my friend in a black velvet cap fitting at the door fmoaking; he welcomed me into the country; and after having made me obferve the turnpike on my left, and the Golden Sheaf on my right, he conducted me into his houfe, where I was received by his lady, who made a thousand apologies for being catched in fuch a dishabille.

The hall (for fo I was taught to call it) had its white wall almoft hid by a curious collection of prints and paintings. On one fide was a large map of London, a plan and elevation of the Manfion Houfe, with feveral leffer views of the public buildings

and

and halls on the other, was the Death of the Stag, finely coloured by Mr. Overton: clofe by the parlour-door there hung a pair of itag's horns; over which there was laid across a red roquelo, and an amber-headed cane. Over the chimney-piece was my friend's picture, who was drawn bolt upright in a full-bottomed perriwig, a laced cravat with the fringed ends appearing through a button-hole, a fauff-coloured velvet coat with gold buttons, a red velvet waistcoat trimmed with gold, one hand ftuck in the bofom of his fhirt, and the other holding out a letter with this fuperfcription: "To Mr., common-council-man of Farringdon-ward without." My eyes were then directed to another figure in a fcarlet gown, who I was informed was my friend's wife's great great uncle, and had been fheriff and knighted in the reign of king James the Firft. Madam herfelf filled up a pannel on the oppofite fide, in the habit of a fhepherdefs, fmelling to a nofegay, and ftroking a ram with gilt

horns.

I was then invited by my friend to fee what he has pleased to call his garden, which was nothing more than a yard about thirty feet in length, and contained about a dozen little pots ranged on each fide with lilies and coxcombs, fupported by fome old laths painted green, with bowls of tobaccopipes on their tops. At the end of this garden he bade me take notice of a little quare building furrounded with filleroy, which he told me an alderman of great taite had turned into a temple, by erecting fome battlements and fpires of painted wood on the front of it: but concluded with a hint, that I might retire to it upon occafion.

As the riches of a country are visible in the number of its inhabitants, and the elegance of their dwellings, we may venture to fay that the prefent ftate of England is very flourishing and profperous; and if our tafte for building encreafes with our opulence, for the next century, we shall be able to boast of finer country-feats belonging to our fhopkeepers, artificers, and other plebeians, than the most pompous defcriptions of Italy or Greece have ever recordel. We read, it is true, of country feats belonging to Pliny, Hortenfus, Lucullus, and other Romans. They were patricians of great rank and fortune: there can therefore be no doubt of the excellence of their villas, But who has ever read of a Chinesebridge belonging to an Attic tallow-chand

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§ 119. Humorous Scene between DENNIS the Critic (fatirically reprefented by SWIFT as mad) and the Doctor.

Scene DENNIS's Garret.

DENNIS, DOCTOR, NURSE, LINTOT the Bookfeller, and another Author.

DENNIS. [Looking wife, and bringing out

bis words flowly and formally.]

Beware, Doctor, that it fare not with you, as it did with your predeceffor, the fatizens of Abdera fent for, in this very manmous Hippocrates, whom the mistaken ciner, to cure the philofopher Democritus. He returned full of admiration at the wifdom of the perfon whom he had fuppofed a lunatic. Behold, Doctor, it was thus that Ariftotle himfelf, and all the great ancients, fpent their days and nights wrapped their own writings. As for me, be affured, up in criticism, and befet all round with I have no difeafe befides a fwelling in my legs, of which I fay nothing, fince your art may farther certify you.

this fwelling? Doctor. Pray, Sir, how did you contract

Dennis. By criticif.

Dolor. By criticifm! that's a diftemper I have never heard nor read of. Dennis. Death, Sir! a distemper! it fat fourteen hours a day at it: and are is no diftemper; but a noble art. I have you a doctor, and don't know that there's a communication between the brain and the legs?

hours, Sir? Doctor. What made you fit fo many

Dennis. Cato, Sir.

Doctor. Sir, I speak of your distemper. What gave you this tumour ?

Dennis. Cato, Cato, Cato *. Nurfe. For God's fake, Doctor, name not this evil spirit; it is the whole caufe of

1712.

He published Remarks on Cato, in the year

his madnefs. Alas! poor mafter will have his fits again. [Almoft crying. Lintot. Fits! with a pox! a man may well have fits and fwelled legs, that fits writing fourteen hours in a day. The Remarks, the Remarks, have brought all his complaints upon him.

Doctor. The Remarks! what are they? Dennis. Death! have you never read my Remarks? I'll be hang'd if this niggardly bookfeller has advertifed the book as it should have been.

Lintet. Not advertise it, quoth'a! pox! I have laid out pounds after pounds in advertifing. There has been as much done for the book as could be done for any book in Christendom.

Dator. We had better not talk of books, Sir, I am afraid they are the fuel that feed his dilirium. Mention books no more. -I defire a word in private with this gentleman. I fuppofe, Sir, you are his apothecary.

Gent. Sir, I am his friend.

Doctor. I doubt it not. What regimen have you obferved fince he has been under your care? You remember, I fuppofe, the paffage in Celfus, which fays, " If the pa"tient on the third day have an interval, fufpend the medicines at night." Let fumigations be used to corroborate the brain. I hope you have upon no account promoted fternutation by hellebore.

Gent. Sir, you mistake the matter quite.

Doctor. What! an apothecary tell a physician he mistakes! you pretend to difpute my prescription! Pharmacopola comBonant. Medicus folus præfcribat. Fumigate him, I fay, this very evening, while he is relieved by an interval.

Dennis. Death, Sir, do you take my friend for an apothecary! a man of genius and learning for an apothecary! Know, Sir, that this gentleman profeffes, like myfelf, the two nobleft fciences in the universe, criticism and poetry. By the immortals, he himself is author of three whole paragraphs in my Remarks, had a hand in my Public Spirit, and affifted me in my defcription of the furies and infernal regions in my Appius.

Lintot. He is an author. You mistake

the gentleman, Doctor. He has been an author these twenty years, to his bookfeller's knowledge, if to no one's elfe,

Dennis. Is all the town in a combination? fhall poetry fall to the ground? muft ur reputation in foreign countries be quite

loft? O deftruction! perdition! curfed opera! confounded opera! as poetry once raised critics, fo, when poetry fails, critics are overturned, and the world is

no more.

Doctor. He raves, he raves. He must be pinioned, he must be ftrait-waistcoated, that he may do no mifchief.

Dennis. OI am fick! I am fick to death!

Doctor. That is a good fymptom, a very good fymptom. To be fick to death, (fays the modern theory) is Symptoma præclarum. When a patient is fenfible of his pain he is half-cured. Pray, Sir, of what are you fick?

Dennis. Of every thing. Of every thing, I am fick of the fentiments, of the diction, of the protafis, of the epitafis, and the catastrophe.-Alas! for the loft drama! the drama is no more!

Nurfe. If you want a dram, Sir, I will bring you a couple of penn'orths of gin in a minute. Mr. Lintot has drank the laft of the noggin.

Dennis. O fcandalous want! O fhameful omiffion! By all the immortals, here is not the fhadow of a paripatia! no change of fortune in the tragedy!

Nurfe. Pray, Sir, don't be uneafy about change. Give me the fixpence, and I'll get you change immediately at the ginfhop next door.

Dolor. Hold your peace, good woman. His fit increases. We must call for help. Mr. Lintot, a-hold him, pray. [Doctor gets behind Lintot.]

Lintot. Plague on the man! I am afraid he is really mad. And if he be, who the devil will buy the remarks? I with [eratching his head] he had been befh-t, rather than I had meddled with his Remarks.

Doctor. He muft ufe the cold bath, and be cupped on the head. The fymptoms feem defperate. Avicen fays, "If learn

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ing be mixed with a brain that is not of a contexture fit to receive it, the brain "ferments till it be totally exhaulted." We must endeavour to eradicate these in

digefted ideas out of the pericranium, and to reflore the patient to a compent know. ledge of himfelf.

Dennis. Caitiffs, ftand off! unhand me, mifcreants! [The Doctor, the Nurfe, and Lintot, run out of the room in a hurry, and tumble down the garret-ftairs all together.] Is the man, whofe labours are calculated

He wrote a treatife to prove, that the decay of public fpirit proceeds from the Italian opera.

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