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be well acted, for 'tis as full of drollery as ever it can never conceive you, sir, the excellency of can hold : 'tis like an orange stuff’d with cloves, these things. as for conceit.
John. 'Tis a sad fate, I must confess: but you Pret. But pr’ythee, Tom Thimble, why wilt write on still, for all that? thou needs marry ? if nine tailors make but one Bayes. Write on! Ay,'egad, I warrantyou. 'Tis man, and one woman cannot be satisfied with not their talk shall stop me: if they catch me at nine men: What work art thou cutting out here that lock, I'll give 'em leave to hang me. As long for thyself, trow?
as I know my things are good, what care I what Bayes. Good,
they say ?-What! are they gone, without singing Thim. Why, an't please your highness, if I cann’t my last new song? 'Sbud! would it were in their make up all the work I cut out, I sha'n't want bellies. I'll tell
you, Mr Johnson, if I have any journeymen enough to help me, I warrant you. skill in these matters, I vow to gad, this song is Bayes. Good again.
peremptorily the very best that ever yet was writPret. I am afraid thy journeymen, though, ten : you must know, it was made by Tom ThimTom, won't work by the day, but by the night. ble's first wife after she was dead ! Bayes. Good still.
Smi. How, sir, after she was dead? Thim. However, if my wife sits but cross-legg d, Bayes. Ay, sir, after she was dead. Why, what as I do, there will be no great danger; not half have you to say to that? so much as when I trusted you, sir, for your co John. Say? Why, nothing: he were a devil ronation-suit.
that had any thing to say to that. Buyes. Very good, i'faith.
Bayes. Right. Pret. Why, the times then lived upon trust; Smi: How did she come to die, pray, sir? it was the fashion. You would not be out of Bayes. Pho! that's no matter :-by a fall : but time, at such a time as that, sure: a tailor, you here's the conceit, that, upon his knowing she was know, must never be out of fashion.
killed by an accident, he supposes, with a sigh, Bayes. Right.
that she died for love of him. Thim. I'm sure, sir, I made your clothes in the John. Ay, ay, that's well enough : let's hear it, court-fashion, for you never paid me yet. Mr Bayes. Bayes. There's a bob for the court.
Buyes. 'Tis to the tune of-Farewell, fair ArPret. Why, Tom, thou art a sharp rogue when mida, on seas, and in battles, in bullets, and all thou art angry, I see: thou pay’st me now, me that. thinks. Bayes. There's pay upon pay; as good as ever
SONG, was written, 'egad! Thim. Ay, sir, in your own coin : you give ine Than in a strong castle, remoted from thee.
In swords, pikes, and bullets, 'tis safer to be, nothing but words.
My death’s bruise pray think you gave me, thoughi Bayes. Admirable, before gad!
a fall Pret. Well, Tom, I hope shortly I shall have Did give it me more, from the top of a wall; another coin for thee; for now the wars are For then if the moat on her mud would first lay, coming on, I shall grow to be a man of metah
And, after, before you my body convey, Buyes. O! you did not do that half enough.
The blue on my breast when you happen to see, John. Methinks he does it admirably.
You'll say, with a sigh, there's a true blue for me. Bayes. Ay, pretty well; but he does not hit me in't ; he does not top his part.
Ha, rogues ! when I am merry, I write these Thim. That's the way to be stamp'd yourself, things as fast as hops, 'egad; for, you must know, sir. I shall see you come home, like an angel, I am as pleasant a debauchee as ever you saw; for the king's evil, with a hole bored through I am, i'laith. you.
· (Exeunt. Şmi. But, Mr Bayes, how comes this song in Bayes. Ha! there he has hit it up to the hilts, here; for, methinks, there is no great occasion ’egad! How do you like it now, gentlemen ? Is for it? not this
Buyes. A-lack, sir, you know nothing: you Smi. 'Tis snip snap, sir, as you say; but, me must ever interlard your plays with songs, ghosts, thinks, not pleasant, nor to the purpose, for the and dances, if you mean to a play does not go on.
John. Pit, box, and gallery, Mr Bayes. Buyes. Play does not go on! I don't know Bayes. 'Egad, and you have nick'd it. Hark what you mean: Why, is not this part of the play? you, Mr Johnson, you know I don't flatter; 'egad, Smi. Yes, but the plot stands still.
you have a great deal of wit. Bayes. Plot stands still! Why, what a devil is John. O Lord, sir, you do me too much honour! the plot good for, but to bring in fine things ? Bayes. Nay, nay, come, come, Mr Johnson, Smi. O! I did not know that before.
i'faith, this must not be said amongst us that have Bayes. No, I think you did not, nor many it. I know you have wit, by the judgment you things more, that I am master of. Now, sir, 'egad, make of this play; for that's the measure I go by: this is the bane of all us writers ; let us soar but my play is my touchstone. When a man tells never so little above the common pitch, 'egad, all's me such a one is a person of parts; is he so, says spoil'd; for the vulgar never understand it; they 1 1? What do I do, but bring him presently to see
this play: if he likes it, I know what to think of Ama. Thanks to the powers above for this dehim; if not, your most humble servant, sir ; I'll liverance. I hope, no more of him, upon my word, I thank you. I Its slow beginning will portend am clare voyant, 'egad. --Now here we go on to A forward exit to all future end. our business.
Bayes. Pish! there you are out:-To all future SCENE II.
end ! No, no :- To all future end. You must lay
the accent upon end, or else you lose the conceit. Enter the two Usurpers, hand in hand.
Smi. I see you are very perfect in these matters. Gent.-Ush. But what's become of Volscius the Bayes. Ay, sir, I have been long enough at it, Great ?
one would think, to know something. His presence has not grac'd our court of late. Phy. I fear some ill, from emulation sprung,
Enter Soldiers, dragging in un old Fisherman. Has from us that illustrious hero wrung.
Ama. Villain, what monster did corrupt thy Bayes. Is not that majestical ?
mind, Smi. Yes ; but who the devil is this Volscius ? T' attack the noblest soul of human kind?
Bayes. Why, that's a prince I make in love with Tell me who set thee on. Parthenope.
Fish. Prince Prettyman. Smi. I thank you, sir.
Ama. To kill whom?
Fish. Prince Prettyman.
Ama. What! did Prince Prettyman hire you to Cor. My lieges, news from Volscius the prince. kill Prince Prettyman?
Gent.-Ush. His news is welcome, whatsoe'er Fish. No: Prince Volscius. it be.
Ama. To kill whom? Smi. How, sir; do you mean whether it be good Fish, Prince Volscius. or bad?
Ama. What! did Prince Volscius hire you to Bayes. Nay, pray, sir, have a little patience : kill Prince Volscius? gadzookers, you'll spoil all my play. Why, sir,
Fish. No: Prince Prettyman. 'tis impossible to answer every impertinent ques Ama. So :-drag him hence, tion you ask.
Till torture of the rack produce his sense. Smi. Cry you mercy, sir.
[Exeunt. Cor.His highness, sirs, commanded meto tell you, Bayes. Mark how I make the horror of his That the fair person whom you both do know, guilt confound his intellects; for he's out at one Despairing of forgiveness for her fault,
and t’other; and that's the design of this scene. In a deep sorrow, twice she did attempt
Smi. I see, sir, you have a several design for Upon her precious life; but by the care
every scene. Of standers-by prevented was.
Bayes. Ay, that's my way of writing; and so, sir, Smi. 'Sheart! what stuff's here?
I can dispatch you a whole play, before another Cor. At last,
man, 'egad, can make an end of his plot.
Gent.-Ush. Dead! is that possible? Dead! the devil is he? Why, Prettyman? why, when, I Phy. O, ye gods !
say ? O fie, fie, fie, fie! all's marred, I vow to Bayes. There's a smart expression of a passion,
-gad, quite marred. O, ye gods! That's one of my bold strokes, 'egad.
Pho! pox! you are come too late, sir ; now you Smi. Nay, if we know at all, 'tis well enough. may go out again, if you please. I vow to gad,
Bayés. Perhaps you may find too, by and by, Mr I would not give a button for my for all this, that she's not dead neither. play, now you have done this.
Smi. Marry, that's good news indeed: I am Pret. What, sir? glad of that with all my heart.
Bayes. What, sir ! 'Slife! sir, you should have Bayes. Now here's the man brought in that is come out in choler, souse upon the stage, just as supposed to have killed her.
the other went off. Must a man be eternally tell(A great shout within. ing you of these things ?
John. Sure this must be some very notablemate SCENE III.
ter that he's so angry at. Enter AMARILLIS, with a book in her hand, and Smi. I am not of your opinion. Attendants.
Bayes. Pish! Come, let's hear your part, sir. Ama. What shout triumphant's that?
Pret. Bring in my father ; why d'ye keep him.
from me ?
Although a fisherman, he is my father.
Ah, you just gods, rob me not of a father ; John. What design?
Bayes. Why, to head the army that lies conSmi. Well, Ned, what think you now? cealed for him at Knightsbridge.
John. A devil! this is worst of all.—Mr Bayes, John. I see here'sa great deal of plot, Mr Bayes. pray what's the meaning of this scene?
Bayes. Yes, now it begins to break; but we Bayes. O! cry you mercy, sir ; I protest I had shall have a world of more business anon. forgot to tell you. Why, sir, you must know, that, long before the beginning of this play, this Enter Prince Volscius, Cloris, AMARILLIS, prince was taken by a fisherman.
and HARRY, with a riding-cloak and boots. Smi. How, sir ; taken prisoner ?
Ama. Sir, you are cruel, thus to leave the town, Bayes. Taken prisoner! O Lord! what a ques. And to retire to country solitude. tion's there! Did ever any man ask such a ques Clo. We hoped this summer that we should at tion ? Gadzookers ! he has put the plot quite out least of my head, with this damn'd question. What Have held the honour of your company. was I going to say?
Bayes. Held the honour of your company John. Nay, the Lord knows: I cannot imagine. Prettily expressed.- Held the honour of your Bayes. Stay, let me see :-Taken: 0! 'tis true. company! Gadzookers! these fellows will never Why, sir, as I was going to say, his highness here, take notice of any thing. the prince, was taken in a cradle by a fisherman, John. I assure you, sir, I admire it extremely: and brought up as his child.
I don't know what he does. Smi. Indeed !
Bayes. Ay, ay, he's a little envious; but 'tis Bayes. Nay, pr’ythee hold thy peace. And no great matter.-Come. so, sir, this murder being committed by the river Ama. Pray, let us two this single boon obtain, side, the fisherman, upon suspicion, was seized, That you will here with poor us still remain : and thereupon the prince grew angry.
Before your horses coine, pronounce our fate, Smi. So, so: now 'tis very plain.
For then, alas ! I fear, 'twill be too late. John. But, Mr Bayes, is not this some disparage Bayes. Sad! ment to a prince, to pass for a fisherman's son? voi. Harry, my boots; for I'll go rage among Have a care of that, I pray.
My blades encamped, and quit this urban throng. Bayes. No, no; not at all; for 'tis but for a
Smi. But, pray, Mr Bayes, is not this a little while: I shall fetch him off again presently, you difficult, that you were saying e'en now, to keep shall sec.
an army thus concealed in Knightsbridge?
Bayes. In Knightsbridge ?-Stay.
John. No, not if inn-keepers be his friends. Pret. By all the gods, I'll set the world on fire, Bayes. His friends! Av, sir, his intimate acRather than let 'em ravish hence my sire. quaintance; or else, indeed, i grant it could not be.
Thim. Brave Prettyman, it is at length revealed, Smi. Yes, faith, so it might be very easy. That he is not thy sire who thee concealed. (Exit. Buyes. Nay, if I do not inake all things easy,
Bayes. Lo you now; there he's off again. ’egad, I'll give you leave to hang me. Now you John. Admirably done, i' faith.
would think that he's going out of town; but you Bayes. Ay, now the plot thickeps very much shall see how prettily I have contrived to stop
bim, presently. Pret. What oracle this darkness can evince ? Smi. By my troth, sir, you have so amazed me, Sometimes a fisher's son, sometimes a prince: that I know not what to think. It is a secret, great as is the world,
Enter PARTHENOPE. In which I, like the soul, am tossed and hurled. The blackest ink of fate, sure, was my lot, 'Vol. Bless me! how frail are all my best reAnd when she writ my name, she made a blot.
[Exit. How, in a moment, is my purpose changed ! Bayes. There's a blustering verse for you now. Too soon I thought myself sccure from love.
Smi. Yes, sir; but why is he so mightily trou Fair madam, give me leave to ask her name, bled to find he is not a fisherman's son?
Who does so gently rob me of my fame; Bayes. Pho! that is not because he has a mind For I should meet the army out of town, to be his son, but for fear he should be thought And, if I fail, must hazard my renown. to be nobody's son at all.
Pár. My inother, sir, sells ale by the town Smi. Nay, that would trouble a man, indeed. walls, Bayes. So, let me see,
And me her dear Parthenope she calls.
Buyes. Now that's the Parthenope I told you of. SCENE V.
John. Ay, ay, 'egad, you are very right.
Vol. Can vulgar vestments high-born beauty Enter Prince VOLSCIUS, going out of Town.
shroud ? Smi. I thought he had been gone to Piccadilly. Thou bring'st the morning pictured in a cloud.
Bayes. Yes, he gave it out so; but that was Bayes. The morning picturect in a cloud ! only to cover his design.
Ah, gadzookers! what a conceit is there!
Par. Give you good even, sir. (Exit. l'egad, beyond expectation, only with a petticoat
Vol. O, inauspicious stars! that I was born and the belly-ache.
Buyes. Why, sir, I contrived a petticoat to be Clo.
ha, ha! (Exeunt, laughing: brought in upon a chair, (nobody knew how,) into Smi. Sure, Mr Bayes, we have lost some jest a prince's chamber, whose father was not to see here, that they laugh at so.
it, that came in by chance. Bayes. Why, did you not observe ? Ile first re John. God's my life! that was a notable consolves to go out of town, and then, as he is pull- trivance indeed. ing on his boots, falls in love with her ; ha, ha, ha! Smi. Ay, but, Mr Bayes, how could you conSmi. Well, and where lies the jest of that? trive the belly-ache ? Bayes, Ha!
(Turns to John. Bayes. The easiest i' the world, 'egad : I'll tell John. Why, in the boots : where should the you how:- I made the prince sit down upon the jest lie?
petticoat, no more than so, and pretend to his faBayes. 'Egad, you are in the right: it does ther that he had just then got the belly-ache; [Turns to SMITH) lie in the boots— Your friend whereupon, his father went out to call a physiand I know where a good jest lies, though you cian, and his man run away with the petticoat. don't, sir.
Smi. Well, and what followed upon that ? Smi. Much good do't you, sir.
Bayes. Nothing, no earthly thing, I vow to gad. Bayes. Here, now, Mr Johnson, you shall see John. O' my word, Mr Bayes, there you hit it. a combat betwixt love and honour. An ancient Bayes. Yes, it gave a world of content. And author has made a whole play on't, but I have then I paid 'em away besides ; for it made 'em all dispatched it all in this scene.
talk bawdry; ha, ha, ha! beastly, downright bawd(VOLSCIUS sits down to pull on his boots : ry, upon the stage, 'egad; ha, ha, ha! but with an
BAYES stands by, und over-acts the part infinite deal of wit, that I must say:
John. That, ay, that, we know well enough, can
Buyes. No, 'egad, cann't it.-Come, bring in And sullen lies, with amorous design
[Exit, to call the players. To quit loud fame, and make that beauty mine. Smi. Now, the devil take thee for a silly, con
Smi. Peythee mark what pains Mr Bayes takes fident, unnatural, fulsome rogue. to act this speech himself. John. Yes, the fool, I sce, is mightily transport
Enter Bayes and Players. ed with it.
Bayes. Pray, dance well before these gentleVol. My legs, the emblem of my various thought, men : You are commonly so lazy ; but you should Shew to what sad distraction I am brought. be light and easy; tah, tah, tah! Sometimes with stubborn honour, like this boot, (All the while they dance, BAYES puts 'em out My mind is guarded, and resolved to do't;
with teaching 'em. Sometimes, again, that very mind, by love Well, gentlemen, you'll see this dance, if I am Disarmed, like this other leg does prove.
not deceived, take very well upon the stage, when Shall I to honour or to love give way?
they are perfect in their motions, and all that. Go on, eries honour ; tender love says, nay:
Šmi. I don't know how 'twill take, sir; but I Honour, aloud, commands, pluck both boots on; am sure you sweat hard fort. But softer love does whisper, put on none.
Bayes. Ay, sir, it costs me more pains and What shall I do? what conduct shall I find trouble to do these things than almost the things To lead me through this twilight of my mind ?
are worth. For as bright day with black approach of night Smi. By my troth, I think so, sir. Contending, makes a doubtful, puzzling light; Bayes. Not for the things themselves; for I So does my honour and my love together could write you, sir, forty of 'em in a day; but, Puzzle me so, I can resolve for neither.
'egad, these players are such dull persons, that, if (Goes out hopping, with one boot on, and the a man be not by 'em upon every point, and at other off.
every turn, 'egad, they'll mistake you, sir, and John. By my troth, sir, this is as difficult a combat as ever I saw, and as equal; for 'tis determined on neither side.
Enter a Player. Bayos. Ay, is't not now, 'egad? ha! For to go What! Is the funeral ready? off hip hop, hip hop, upon this occasion, is a thou Play. Yes, sir. sand times better than any conclusion in the Bayes. And is the lance filled with wine? world, 'egad.
Play. Sir, 'tis just now a-doing. John. Indeed, Mr Bayes, that hip hop, in this Buyes. Stay, then, I'll do it myself, place, as you say, does a very great deal.
Smi. Come, let's go with him. Bayes. O, all in all, sir; they are these little Bayes. A match. But, Mr Johnson, 'cgad, I things that mar or set you off a play; as I re am not like other persons; they care not what bemember once, in a play of mine, I set off a scene, comes of their things, so they can but get money
for 'em; now, 'egad, when I write, if it be not. I'm the strangest person in the whole world; for just as it should be in every circumstance, to every what care I for money? I write for reputation. particular, 'egad, I am no more able to endure it';
(Exeunt. I am not myself; I'm out of my wits, and all that :
Bayes. The third week.
John. I'll vow you'll get a world of money.
Bayes. Why, 'faith, a man must live ; and if BAYES and two Gentlemen.
you don't thus pitch upon some new device, Bayes. Gentlemen, because I would not have 'egad, you'll never do't; for this age (take it o'my any two things alike in this play, the last act be- word) is somewhat hard to please. But there's ginning with a witty scene of mirth, I make this
one pretty odd passage in the last of these plays, to begin with a funeral.
which may be executed two several ways, whereSmi. And is that all your reason for it, Mr | in I'd have your opinion, gentlemen. Bayes?
John. What is't, sir? Buyes. No, sir, I have a precedent for it besides. Bayes. Why, sir, I make a male person to be A person of honour, and a scholar, brought in his in love with a female. funeral just so; and he was one (let me tell you) Smi. Do you mean that, Mr Bayes, for a new that knew as well what belonged to a funeral as thing? any man in England, 'egad.
Bayes. Yes, sir, as I have ordered it. You John. Nay, if that be so, you are safe. shall hear. He having passionately loved her Buyes
. 'Egad, but I have another device, a fro- through my five whole plays, finding, at last, that lic, which I think yet better than all this ; not for she consents to his love, just after that his mother the plot or characters, (for, in my heroic plays, I had appeared to him like a ghost, he kills himself
. make no difference as to those natters, but for That's one way. The other is, that, she coming another contrivance.
at last to love him with as violent a passion as Smi. What is that, I pray?
he loved her, she kills herself. Now, my quesBayes. Why, I have designed a conquest, that tion is, which of these two persons should suffer cannot possibly, 'egad, be acted in less than a whole upon this occasion ? week and I'll speak a bold word,—it shall drum, John. By my troth, it is a very hard case to detrumpet, shout, and battle, 'egad, with any the cide. most warlike tragedy we have, either ancient or Bayes. The hardest in the world, 'egad, and modern.)
has puzzled this pate very much. What say you, John. Ay, marry, sir, there you say something. Mr Smith ?
Smi. And pray, sir, how have you ordered this Smi. Why, truly, Mr Bayes, if it might stand same frolic of yours?
with your justice, now, I would spare 'em both. Bayes. Faith, sir, by the rule of romance. For Bayes. 'Egad, and I think-ha—why, then, I'll example: They divided their things into three, Inake him hinder her from killing herself
. Ay, four, five, six, seven, eight, or as many tomes as it shall be so.—Come, come, bring in the funeral. they please ; now, I would very fain know what should hinder me from doing the same with my
Enter a Funeral, with the two Usurpers and Atthings, if I please.
tendants. John. Nay, if you should not be a master of Lay it down there; no, no; here, sir. So :-now your own works, 'tis very hard.
speak. Bayes. That is my sense. And then, sir, this K. Ush. Set down the funeral pile, and let our contrivance of mine has something of the reason grief of a play in it too; for as every one makes you Receive, from its embraces, some relief. five acts to one play, what do I, but make five K. Phy. Was't not unjust to ravish hence her plays to one plot; by which means the auditors breath, have every day a new thing.
And, in life's stead, to leave us nought but death? John. Mosi admirably good, i'faith! and must The world discovers now its emptiness, certainly take, because it is not tedious.
And, by her loss, demonstrates we have less. Bayes. Ay, sir, I know that ; there's the main Bayes. Is not this good language now? Is not point. And then, upon Saturday, to make a close that elevate? 'Tis my non ultra, 'egad. You must of all, (for I ever begin upon a Monday,) I make know they were both in love with her. you, sir, a sixth play, that sums up the whole Smi. With her! With whom ? matter to 'em, and all that, for fear they should Buyes. Why, this is Lardella's funeral. have forgot it.
Smi. Lardella! Ay, who is she? John. That consideration, Mr Bayes, indeed, I Bayes. Why, sir, the sister of Drawcansir; a think will be very necessary.
lady that was drowned at sea, and had a wave Smi. And when comes in your share, pray, sir? | for her winding-sheet.