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K. Usk. Lardella! O Lardella ! from above, Smi. (After a pause.) Admirable ! Behold the tragic issues of our love:

Bayes. At night, into your bosom I will creep, Pity us, sinking under grief and pain,

And buz but softly if you chance to sleep ; For thy being cast away upon the main.

Yet in your dreams I'll pass sweeping by, Bayes. Look you now; you see I told you true. And then both hum and buz before your eye. Smi. Ay, sir, and I thank you for it, very kindly. John. By my troth, that's a very great promise.

Bayes. Ay,'egad, but you will not have patience; Sini. Yes, and a most extraordinary comfort to honest Mr-a-you will not have patience.

boot. John. Pray, Mr Bayes, who is that Drawcansir ? Bayes. Your bed of love from dangers I will

Bayes. Why, sir, a fierce hero, that frights his free, mistress, snubs up kings, baffles armies, and does But most from love of any future bee: what he will, without regard to numbers, good And when with pity your heart-strings shall crack, manners, or justice.

With empty arms I'll bear you on my back. John. A very pretty character.

Smi. A pick-a-pack! a pick-a-pack! Smi. But, Mr Bayes, I thought your heroes had Bayes. Ay, 'egad; but is not that tuant now? ever been men of great humanity and justice.

ha! Is it not tuant ?-Here's the end. Bayes. Yes, they have been so; but, for my part, Then at your birth of immortality, I prefer that one quality of singly beating of whole Like any winged archer, hence I'll fly, armies above all your moral virtues put together, And teach you your first fluttering i i the sky, 'egad. You shall see bim come in presently. John. O, rare ! This is the most natural, refineil Zookers! why don't you read the paper ? fancy that ever I heard, I'll swear.

[To the Players. Bayes. Yes, I think, for a dead person, it is a K. Phy. O! cry you mercy.

good enough way of making love; for, being di. (Goes to take the paper.

vested of her terrestrial part, and all that, she is Bayes. Pish! Nay, you are such a fumbler. only capable of these little, pretty, amorous deCome, I'll read it myself.

signs, that are innocent and yet passionate-Come, [Takes a paper from off the coffin. draw your swords. Stay, it's an ill hand; I must use my spectacles. K. Phy. Come, sword, come sheath thyself This, now, is a copy of verses, which I make Lar within this breast, della compose, just as she is dying, with design to Which only in Lardella's tomb can rest. have it pinned upon her coffin, and so read by one K. Ush. Come, dagger come, and penetrate this of the usurpers, who is her cousin.

Smi. A very shrewd design that, upon my word, which cannot from Lardella's love depart.
Mr Bayes.
Bayes. And what do you think now, I fancy

Enter PALLAS. her to make love like, here, in the paper ?

Pal. Hold, stop your murdering hands, Smi. Like a woman: What should she make At Pallas's commands : love like?

For the supposed dead, O kings, Bayes. O' my word, you are out though, sir ; Forbear to act such deadly things :'egad, you are.

Lardella lives; I did but try Smi. What then? like a man?

If princes for their loves could die.
Bayes. No, sir; like a humble-bee.

Such celestial constancy,
Smi. I confess, that I should not have fancied. Shall by the gods rewarded be;

Bayes. It may be so, sir; but it is, though, in And from these funeral obsequies order to the opinion of some of your ancient phi- A nuptial banquet shall arise. losophers, who held the transmigration of the soul. (The coffin opens, und a banquet is discovered. Smi. Very fine.

Bayes. So:-take away the coffin.-Now it's Bayes. I'll read the title:-“ To my dear Cous. out. This is the very funeral of the fair person K. Phy,

which Volscius sent word was dead, and Pallas, Smi. That's a little too familiar with a king, you see, has turned it into a banquet. though, sir, by your favour, for a humble-bee. Smi. Well, but where is the banquet ?

Bayes. Mr Smith, in other things I grant your Bayes. Nay, look you, sir, we must first have a knowledge may be above me; but as for poetry, dance, for joy that Lardella is not dead. Pray, give me leave to say, I understand that better ; it sir, give me leave to bring in my things properly, has been longer my practice; it has, indeed, sir. at least.' Smi. Your servant, sir.

Smi. That, indeed, I had forgot: I ask your, Bayes. Pray mark it.

(Reads. pardon. Since death my earthly part will thus remove, Bayes. O! d'ye so, sir? I am glad you will con Y I'll come a humble-bee to your chaste love : fess yourself once in an error, Mr Smith. With silent wings I'll follow you, dear cous,

(Dance. Or else before you in the sun-beams buz;

K. Ush. Resplendent Pallas, we in thee do fine And when to melancholy groves you come,

The fiercest beauty, and a tiercer mind; An airy ghost, you'll know mne by my hum; And since to thee Lardella's lite we owe, For sound, being air, a ghost does well become. We'll supple statues in thy temple grow,

now, sir?

that is new,


our feast?

K. Phy. Well, since alive Lardella's found, Smi. I suppose, Mr Bayes, this is the fierce hero Let in full bowls her health go round.

you spoke of. The two Usurpers take each of them a bowl in Buyes. Yes; but this is nothing: you shall see their hands.

him, in the last act, win above a dozen battles, one K Ush. But where's the wine?

after another, 'egad, as fast's they can possibly Pal. That shall be mine.

come upon the stage. Lo, from this conquering lance

John. That will be a sight worth the seeing, Does flow the purest wine of France :

indeed. [Fills the bowls out of her lance. 1. Smi. But, pray, Mr Bayes, why do you make And, to appease your hunger, I

the kings let him use them so scurvily? Have in my helmet brought a pye:

Bayes. Pho! that is to raise the character of Lastly, to bear a part with these,

Drawcansir. Behold a buckler made of cheese.

John. O' my word, that was well thought on.

[Vanish PALLAS. Bayes. Now, sirs, I'll shew you a scene indeed, Bayes. There's the banquet. Are you satisfied or rather, indeed, the scene of scenes: 'tis an le

roic scene. John. By my troth, now,

and more

Smi. And pray, sir, what's your design in this than I expected.

Bayes. Yes, I knew this would please you ; Bayes. Why,sir, my design is gilded truncheons, for the chief art in poetry is, to elevate your ex forced conceit, smooth verse, and a rant: in fine, pectation, and then bring you off some extraor- if this scene do not take, 'egad, I'll write no more. dinary way.

Come, come in Mr-a-nay, come in as many

as you can.-Gentlemen, I must desire you to reEnter DRAWCANSIR.

move a little, for I must fill the stage. K. Phy. What man is this, that dares disturb Smi. Why fill the stage?

Buyes. O, sir, because your heroic verse never Draw. He that dares drink, and for that drink sounds well but when the stage is full.

dares die, And, knowing this, dares yet drink on, am I.

SCENE II. John. That is, Mr Bayes, as much as to say, that though he would rather die than not drink, Enter Prince PRETTYMAN and Prince VOLyet he would fain drink, for all that, too.

SCIUS. Bayes. Right; that's the conceit on't.

Nay, -hold, hold; pray, by your leave a little. John. 'Tis a marvellous good one, I swear. Look you, sir; the drift of this scene is somewhat

Bayes. Now, there are some critics that have more than ordinary; for I make them both fallout, advised me to put out the second dare, and print because they are not in love with the same woman. must in the place on't ; but, 'egad, I think 'tis bet Smi. Noi in love! you mean, I suppose, beter thus, a great deal.

cause they are in love, Mr Bayes. John. Whoo! a thousand times.

Bayes. No, sir, I say, not in love : there's a new Bayes. Go on then.

conceit for you.-Now speak. K. Ush. Sir, if you plcase, we should be glad to Pret. Since Fate, Prince Volscius, now has know

found the way How long you here will stay, how soon you'll go: For our so long'd-for meeting here this day,

Buyes. Is not that, now, like a well-bred person, Lend thy attention to my grand concern. 'egad? So modest, so gent!

Vol. I gladly would that story from thee learn. Smi. O! very like.

But thou to love dost, Prettyman, incline; Draw. You shall not know how long I here Yet love in thy breast is not love in miné.

Buyes. Antithesis ! Thine and mine! But you

shall know I'll take your bowls away. Pret. Since love itself's the same, why should [Snatches the bouls out of the Kings' hands, and it be drinks them off.

Differing in you from what it is in me? Smi. But, Mr Bayes, is that, too, modest and Bayes. Reasoning! 'Egad, I love reasoning in Bayes. No, 'egad, sir, but 'tis great.

Vol. Love takes, camelion like, a various dye K. Ush. Though, brother, this grum stranger From every plant on which itself does lie. be a clown,

Bayes. Simile! He'll leave us, sure, a little to gulp down. Pret. Let not thy love the course of nature Draw. Wboe'er to gulp one drop of this dares

fright; think,

Nature does most in harmony delight. I'll stare away his very power to drink.

Vol. How weak a deity would Nature prove, [The two Kings sneak off the stage, with their contending with the powerful god of love? Attendants.

Bayes. There's a great verse! I drink, I huff, I strut, look big, and stare; voi. If incense thou wilt offer at the shrine And all this I can do, because I dlare. (Exit. ! Of mighty Love, burn it to none but mine :

will stay;

gent ?


Her rosy lips eternal sweets exhale,

My better choice : for fair Parthenope, And her bright flames make all flames else look Gods would themselves ungod themselves, to see. pale.

Bayes. Now the rant's a-coming. Bayes. 'Egad, that is right.

Pret. Durst any of the gods be so uncivil, Pret. Perhaps dull incense may thy love suf- I'd make that god subscribe himself a devil. fice;

Bayes. Ah, gadzookers ! that's well writ! But mine must be adored with sacrifice:

[Scratching his head, his peruke falls off All hearts turn ashes which her eyes controul; Vol. Couldst thou that god from heaven to The body they consume as well as soul.

earth translate, Vol. My love has yet a power more divine : He could not fear to want a heavenly state: Victims her altars burn not, but refine;

Parthenope on earth can heaven create. Amidst the flames they ne'er give up the ghost, Pret. Cloris does heaven itself so far excel, But with her looks revive still as they roast : She can transcend the joys of heaven in hell. In spite of pain and death, they're kept alive; Bayes. There's a bold fight for you now! Her fiery eyes make 'em in fire survive.

S’death! I have lost my peruke.-Well, gentlemen, Bayes. That is as well, 'egad, as I can do. this is that I never yet saw any one could write Vol. Let my Parthenope at length prevail. but myself. Here's true spirit and flame all Bayes. Civil, 'egad,

through, 'egad.-So, so :-pray clear the stage. Pret. I'll sooner have a passion for a whale,

(He puts them off the stage. In whose vast bulk tho' store of oil doth lie, John. I wonder how the coxcomb has got the We find more shape, more beauty in a fly. knack of writing smooth verse thus. Smi. That's uncivil, 'egad.

Smi. Why there's no need of brain for this; Bayes. Yes, but as far a fetch'd fancy, though, 'tis but scanning the labours on the finger ; but 'egad, as e'er you saw.

where's the sense of it? Vol. Sost, Prettyman, let not thy vain pre John. O! for that he desires to be excused; het tence,

is too proud a man to creep servilely after sense, of perfect love, defame love's excellence : I assure you. But pray, Mr Bayes, why is this Parthenope is, sure, as far above

scene all in verse ? All other loves, as above all is love.

Bayes. O, sir, the subject is too great for prose. Bayes. Ah! 'egad, that strikes me.

Smi. Well said, i'faith: I'll give thee a pot of Pret. To blame my Cloris, gods would not pre- ale for that answer; 'tis well worth it. tend.

Buyes. Come, with all my heart.Bayes. Now mark.

I'll make that god subscribe hinself a devil. Vol. Were all gods join'd, they could not hope That singleline, 'egad, is worth y that my brother to mend

poets ever writ.-Let down the main. (Exeunt.



K. Ush. Now, sir, to the business of the day.

K. Phy. Speak, Volscius.
Bayes and the two Gentlemen.

Vol. Ďread sovereign lords, my zeal to you Buyes. Now, gentlemen, I will be bold to say, must not invade my duty to yoạr son: let me enI'll shew you the greatest scene that ever Eng: treat that great Prince Prettyman first do speak, land saw; I mean, not for words, for those I don't whose high pre-eminence, in all things that do bear value, but for state, shew, and magnificence : in the name of good, may justly claim that privilege. fine, I'll justify it to be as grand to the eye, every Buyes. Here it begins to unfold : you may whit, 'egad, as that great scene in Harry the Eight, perceive now that he is his son. and grander too, 'egad; for instead of two bishops, John. Yes, sir, and we are very much beholdI bring in here four cardinals.

en to you for that discovery. [The curtain is drawn up; the two usurping Pret. Royal father, upon my knees I beg

Kings appear in state, with the four Cardi. That the illustrious Volscius first be heard. nals, Prince PRETTYMAN, Prince VOLSCIUS, Vol. That preference is only due to Amarillis, AMARILLIS, CLORIS, PARTHENOPE, &c. sir. before them; Heralds and Serjeants-at-urms, Bayes. I'll make her speak very well by and with maces.

by, you shall see. Smi. Mr Bayes, pray, what is the reason that two Ama. Invincible sovereigns [Soft music. of the cardinals are in hats, and the other in caps ? K. Ush. But stay, what sound is this invades Bayes. Why, sir, because--by gad, I won't

our ears? -Your country friend, sir, grows so

K. Phy. Sure, 'tis the music of the moving troublesome.


tell you.

in green.

Pret. Behold, with wonder, yonder comes from 2d King. Now mortals, that hear far

How we tilt and career, A god-like cloud, and a triumphant car,

With wonder, will fear In which our two right kings sit one by one, The event of such things as shall never appear. With virgins' vests and laurel garlands on.

Ist King. Stay you to fulfil what the gods have K. Ush. Then, brother Phys, 'tis time we should decreed. be gone. [The two Usurpers steal out of the throne, 2d King. Then call me to help you, if there shall and go away.

be need. Bayes. Look you now, did not I tell you that 1st King. So firmly resolv'd is a true Brentford this would be as easy a change as the other?

king Smi. Yes, faith, you did so, tho', I confess, I To save the distressed, and help to 'em bring, could not believe you; but you have brought it That, ere a full pot of good ale you can swallow, about I see. [The two right Kings of Brentford He's here, with a whoop, and gone, with a balloo.

descend in the clouds, singing, in white gar [BAYES fillips his finger, and sings after them. ments, and three Fiddlers sitting before them Bayes. He's here, with a whoop, and gone, with

ahalloo.—This, sir, you must know, I thoughtonce Bayes. Now, because the two right kings de to have brought in with a conjuror. scend from above, I make 'em sing to the tune John. Ay, that would have been better. and style of our modern spirits.

Bayes. No, faith, not when you consider it; Ist King. Haste, brother king, we are sent from for thus it is more compendious, and does the above.

thing every whit as well. 2d King. Let us move, let us move;

Smi. Thing! what thing? Move, to remove the fate

Bayes. Why, bring 'em down again into the Of Brentford's long united state.

throne, sir :-What thing would you have ? 1st King. Tarra, tan, tarra!full east and by Smi: Well, but methinks the sense of this south.

song is not very plain. 2d King. We sail with thunder in our mouth. Bayes. Plain! Why, did you ever hear any In scorching noon-day, whilst the traveller stays, people in the clouds speak plain? They must be

Busy, busy, busy, busy, we bustle along, all for flight of fancy, at its full range, without Mounted upon warm Phæbus's rays,

the least check or controul upon When once Through the heavenly throng,

you tie up sprites and people in clouds to speak Hasting to those

plain, you spoil all. Who will feast us at night with a pig's petty Smi. Bless me, what a monster's this! toes.

[The two Kings light out of the clouds, and step 1st King we'll fall with our plate

into the throne. an olio of hate.

1st King. Come, now to serious council we'll 2d King. Wut, now supper's done, the servitors advance. try,

2d King. I do agree; but first, let's have a dance. Like soldiers, to storm a whole half-moon pye. Bayes. Right. You did that very well, Mr 1st King. They gather, they gather hot custards Cartwright.—But first, let's have a dance ! Pray in spoons:

remember that; be sure you do it always just so; But, alas ! I must leave these half-moons,

for it must be done as if it were the effect of And repair to my trusty dragoons.

thought and premeditation.-- But first, let's have 2d King. O! stay, for you need not as yet go a dance ! Pray remember that. astray ;

Smi. Well, I can hold no longer; I must gag The tide, like a friend, has brought ships in our this rogue ; there's no enduring of him. way,

John. No, pr’ythee make use of thy patience And on their high ropes we will play;

a little longer; let's see the end of him now. Like maggots in filberts, we'll snug in our shell,

[Dance a grand dance. We'll frisk in our shell,

Bayes. This, now, is an ancient dance, of right We'll firk in our shell,

belonging to the kings of Brentford, but since deAnd farewell.

rived, with a little alteration, to the inns of court. 1st King. But the ladies have all inclination to dance,

An Alarum. Enter tvo Heralds. And the green frogs croak out a coranto of 1st King. What saucy groom molests our priFrance.

vacies? Bayes. Is not that pretty now? The fiddlers are 1st Her. The army's at the door, and, in disguise,

Desires a word with both your majesties. Smi. Ay, but they play no coranto.

2d Her. Having from Knightsbridge hither John. No, but they play a tune that's a great march'd by stealth. deal better.

2d King. Bid 'em attend a while, and drink our Bayes. No coranto, quoth-a! That's a good health. one, with all my heart.-Come, sing on.

Sni. How, Mr Bayes? the army in disguise !

all in green.

Bayes. Ay, sir, for fear the usurpers might dis Smi. Yes, sir; but I think I should hardly swear cover them, that went out but just now.

though, for all that. Smi. Why, what if they had discover'd them? Bayes. By my troth, sir, but you would though, Bayes. Why, then they had broke the design. when you see it; for I make 'em both come out 1st King. Here, take five guineas for those war- in armour, cap-a-pée, with their swords drawn, like men.

and hung with a scarlet riband at their wrist; 2d King. And here's five more, that makes the (which, you know, represents fighting enough.) sum just ten.

John. Ay, ay; so much, that, if I were in your 1st Her. We have not seen so much the Lord place, I would make 'em go out again without knows when.

(Exeunt Heralds. ever speaking one word. 1st King. Speak on, brave Amarillis.

Bayes. No, there you are out; for I make Ama. Invincible sovereigns, blame not my mo

each of 'em hold a lute in his hand. desty,

Smi. How, sir ? instead of a buckler? If, at this grand conjuncture

Bayes. O Lord! O Lord ! instead of a buckler! (Drum beats behind the stage. Pray, sir, do you ask no more questions. I make 1st King. What dreadful noise is this that comes L'em, sir, play the battle in recitativo. And here's and goes?

the conceit. Just at the very same instant that

one sings, the other, sir, recovers you his sword, Enter a Soldier, with his sword drawn. and puts himself in a warlike posture, so that Sol, Haste hence, great sirs, your royal persons you have at once your ear entertained with me save,

sic and good language, and your eye satisfied For the event of war no mortal knows: with the garb and accoutrements of war. The army, wrangling for the gold you gave, Smi. I confess, sir, you stupify me. First fell to words, and then to handy-blows. Bayes. You shall see.

[Exit. John. But, Mr Bayes, might not we have a litBayes. Is not that, now, a pretty kind of a tle fighting for I love those plays where they stanza, and a handsome come off?

cut and slash one another upon the stage, for a 2d King. O, dangerous estate of sovereign power! whole hour together. Obnoxious to the change of every hour.

Bayes. Why, then, to tell you true, I have conIst King. Let us for shelter in our cabinet stay; trived it both ways. But you shall have my rePerhaps these threatening storms may pass away. citativo first.

(Exeunt. John. Ay, now you are right; there is nothing, John. But, Mr Bayes, did not you promise us, then, can be objected against it. just now, to make Amarillis speak very well. Bayes. True; and so, 'egad, I'll make it, too, a

Bayes. Ay, and so she would have done, but tragedy, in a trice. that they hinder'd her. Smi. How, sir; whether you would or no?

Enter, at several doors, the General and Lieute Bayes. Ay, sir, the plot lay so, that, I vow to nunt-General, armed cap-a-pée,with each of them gad, it was not to be avoided.

a lule in his hand, and his sword drawn, and Smi. Marry, that was hard.

hung with a scarlet riband at his wrist, John. But pray, who hinder'd her?

Lieut.-Gen. Villain, thou liest. Bayes. Why, the battle, sir, that's just coming Gen. Arm, arm, Gonsalvo, arm. What ! ho! in at the door: and I'll tell you now a strange The lie no flesh can brook, I trow. thing, tho' I don't pretend to do more than other Lieut.-Gen. Advance from Acton with the men, 'egad, - I'll give you both a whole week to musqueteers. guess how I'll represent this battle.

Gen. Draw down the Chelsea cuirassiers. Smi. I had rather be bound to fight your Lieut.-Gen. The band you boast of, Chelsea battle, I assure you, sir.

cuirassiers, Bayes. Whoo! there's it now:-fight a battle! Shall

, in my Putney pikes, now meet their peers there's the common error. I knew presently Gen. Cheswickians, aged, and renowned in fight, where I should have you. Why, pray, sir, do but Join with the Hammersmith brigade. tell me this one thing:-Can you think it a decent Lieut.-Gen. You'll find my Mortlake boys wil thing, in a battle before ladies, to have men run

do them right, their swords through one another, and all that? Unless by Fulham numbers over-laid. John. No, faith, 'tis not civil.

Gen. Let the left wing of Twick’n’am foot ade Bayes. Right. On the other side, to have a

vance, long relation of squadrons here, and squadrons And line that eastern hedge. there, what is it but dull prolixity?

Lieut.-Gen. The horse I raised in Petty France John. Excellently reasoned, by my troth! Shall try their chance,

Bayes. Wherefore, sir, to avoid both those in- And scour the meadows, overgrown with sedge. decorums, I sum up my whole battle in the re Gen. Stand: give the word. presentation of two persons only, no more, and Lieut.-Gen. Bright sword. yet so lively, that, I vow to gad, you would swear Gen. That

may be thine, ten thousand men were at it, really engaged. | But 'tis not mine. Do you mark me?

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