wisdom tends, good brother, and little more I boast-but what makes him ever calling for Cob so? I wonder how he can employ him. Well. Indeed, sister, to ask how he employs Cob, is a necessary question for you, that are his wife, and a thing not very easy for you to be sa tisfied in-But this I'll assure you, Cob's wife is an excellent bawd, sister, and oftentimes your husband haunts her house; marry, to what end I cannot altogether accuse him. Imagine you, what you think convenient. But I have known fair hides have foul hearts ere now, sister. unless it procure her touching-Well, there's a dear and well-respected friend of mine, sister, stands very strongly and worthily affected towards you, and hath vowed to inflame whole bonfires of zeal at his heart, in honour of your perfections. I have already engaged my promise to bring you, where you shall hear him confirm much more. Ned Kno'well is the man, sister.-There's no exception against the party; you are ripe for a husband, and a minute's loss on such an occasion is a great trespass in a wise beauty. What say you, sister? On my soul, he loves you; will you give him the meeting? Bridg. Faith, I had very little confidence in my own constancy, brother, if I durst not meet a man: but this motion of yours savours of an Dame. Never said you truer than that, brother; so much I can tell you for your learning. O, ho is this the fruit of his jealousy? I thought some game was in the wind, he acted so much tenderness but now; but I'll be quit with him.-old knight adventurer's servant a little too much Thomas! Enter CASH. Fetch your hat, and go with me: I'll get my hood, and out the backward-way. I would to fortune I could take him there! I'd return him his own, I warrant him! I'd fit him for his jealousy! Exeunt. Well. Ha, ha! so e'en let them go; this may make sport anon-What, Brain-worm ? Enter BRAIN-WORM. Brain. I saw the merchant turn the corner, and came back to tell you, all goes well; wind and tide, my master. Well. But how got'st thou this apparel of the justice's man? Brain. Marry, sir, my proper fine penman would needs bestow the grist o' me at the Windmill, to hear some martial discourse, where I so marshalled him, that I made him drunk with admiration; and because too much heat was the cause of his distemper, I stript him stark naked, as he lay along asleep, and borrowed his suit to deliver this counterfeit message in, leaving a rusty armour, and an old brown bill, to watch him 'till my return; which shall be, when I have pawned his apparel, and spent the better part of the money, perhaps. Well. Well, thou art a successful merry knave, Brain-worm; his absence will be subject for more mirth. I pray thee return to thy young master, and will him to meet me and my sister Bridget at the Tower instantly; for here, tell him, the house is so stored with jealousy, there is no room for love to stand upright in. We must get our fortunes committed to some large prison, say: and then the Tower, I know no better air, nor where the liberty of the house may do us more present service. Away. [Exit BRAIN. Bridg. What, is this the engine, that you told me of? What farther meaning have you in the plot? Well. That you may know, fair sister-in-law, how happy a thing it is to be fair and beautiful." Bridg. That touches not me, brother. Well. That's true; that's even the fault of it; for, indeed, beauty stands a woman in no stead, methinks. Well. What's that, sister? Bridg. Marry, of the go-between. Well. No matter if it did; I would be such a one for my friend. But see, who has returned to hinder us. Enter KITELY. Kite. What villany is this? Called out on a false message! This was some plot; I was not sent for. Bridget, where's your sister? Bridg. I think she be gone forth, sir. Kite. How! is my wife gone forth? Whither, for Heaven's sake? Bridg. She's gone abroad with Thomas. He has discovered all unto my wife; Bridg. I know not, sir. Well. I'll tell you, brother, whither I suspect she's gone. Kite. Whither, good brother? Well. To Cob's house, I believe; but keep my counsel. Kite. I will, I will. To Cob's house! Does she haunt there? She's gone on purpose now to cuckold me, With that lewd rascal, who, to win her favour, Hath told her all-Why would you let her go? Well. Because she's not my wife: if she were, I'd keep her to her tether. Kite. So, so; now 'tis plain. I shall go mad With my misfortunes; now they pour in torrents. I'm bruted by my wife, betrayed by my servant, Mocked at by my relations, pointed at by my neighbours, Despised by myself.-There is nothing left now, But to revenge myself first, next hang myself; And then-all my cares will be over. [Exit. Bridg. He storms most loudly; sure you have gone too far in this. Well. 'Twill all end right, depend upon itBut let us lose no time; the cost is clear; away, away; the affair is worth it, and cries haste. Bridg. I trust me to your guidance, brother, and so fortune for us. [Exeunt. SCENE I.-Stocks-Market. Enter MATTHEW and BOBADIL. ACT V. Mat. I wonder, captain, what they will say of my going away? ha! Bob. Why, what should they say? but as of a discreet gentleman; quick, wary, respectful of nature's fair lineaments, and that is all. Mat. Why so! but what can they say of your beating? Bob. A rude part, a touch with soft wood, a kind of gross battery used, lain on strongly, borne most patiently, and that is all. But wherefore do I wake their remembrance? I was fascinated, by Jupiter! fascinated; but I will be unwitched, and revenged by law. Mat. Do you hear? Is it not best to get a warrant, and have him arrested, and brought before justice Clement? Bob. It were not amiss; would we had it! Mat. Why, here comes his man; let us speak to him. Bob. Agreed. Do you speak. Enter BRAIN-WORM as FORMAL. Mat. Save you, sir. Brain. With all my heart, sir! Mat. Sir, there is one Downright hath abused this gentleman and myself, and we determine to make ourselves amends by law; now, if you would do us the favour to procure a warrant to bring him before your master, you shall be well considered of, I assure you, sir. that gentleman his Toledo, because we would have it dispatched. Brain. I am content, sir; I will get you the warrant presently. What is his name, say you? Downright? Mat. Ay, ay, George Downright. Brain. Well, gentlemen, I will procure you the warrant presently; but who will you have to serve it? Mat. That is true, captain, that must be considered. Bob. Body of me, I know not! 'Tis service of danger! Brain. Why, you were best get one of the varlets of the city, a serjeant; I'll appoint you one, if you please. ter. Mat. Will you, sir? Why we can wish no bet Bob. We'll leave it to you, sir. [Exeunt BOB. and MAT. Brain. This is rare! Now will I go pawn this cloak of the justice's man's, at the broker's, for a varlet's suit, and be the varlet myself, and so get money on all sides. [Exit. SCENE II.-The Street before COB's House.' Enter KNO'WELL. Kno. O here it is; I have found it now-Hoa, who is within here? [TIB appears at the window. Tib. I am within, sir, what is your pleasure? Kno. To know who is within besides yourself. Tib. Why, sir, you are no constable, I hope ? Kno. O, fear you the constable? Then I doubt not you have some guests within deserve that Brain. Sir, you know my service is my living; such favours as these, gotten of my master, is his only preferment, and therefore you must consi-fear-I'll fetch him straight. der me, as I may make benefit of my place. Mat How is that, sir? Brain. Faith, sir, the thing is extraordinary, and the gentleman may be of great account. Yet, be what he will, if you will lay me down a brace of angels in my hand, you shall have it; otherwise not. Met. How shall we do, captain? He asks a brace of angels; you have no money? Bob. Not a cross, by fortune. Mat. Nor I, as I am a gentleman, but twopence left of my two shillings in the morning for wine and raddish. Let us find him some pawn. Bob. Pawn! we have none to the value of his demand. Mat. O, yes, I can pawn my ring here. Bob. And, harkee, he shall have my trusty Toledo too. I believe I shall have no service for it to-day. Mat. Do you hear, sir? We have no store of money at this time, but you shall have good pawns; look you, sir, I will pledge this ring, and Tib. For Heaven's sake, sir Kno. Go to, come tell me, is not young Kno' well here? Tib. Young Kno'well! I know none such, sir, on my honesty. Kno. Your honesty, dame! It flies too lightly from you. There is no way but fetch the con stable. Tib. The constable! the man is mad, I think. Enter CASH and Dame KItely. Cash. Hoa! who keeps house here? Kno. O, this is the female copesmate of my son. Now shall I meet him straight. [Aside Dame. Knock, Thomas, hard. Cash. Hoa! good wife. Tib. Why, what is the matter with you? Dume. Why, woman, grieves it you to ope the door! Belike you get something to keep it shut. Tib. What mean these questions, pray you? Dume. So strange you make it! Is not my hus band here? Kno. Her husband! Aside. Dame. My tried and faithful husband, Master Kitely. Tib. I hope he needs not be tried here. Dame. Come hither, Cash-I see my turtle coming to his haunts; let us retire. [They retire. Kno. This must be some device to mock me withal. Soft-who is this!-Oh! 'tis my son disguised. I'll watch him and surprise him. Enter KITELY, muffled in a cloak. Kite. 'Tis truth, I see; there she skulks. But I will fetch her from her hold-I willI tremble so, I scarce have power to do the jus tice Her infamy demands. [As KITELY goes forward, Dame KITELY and KNO'WELL lay hold of him. Kno. Have I trapped you, youth? You cannot 'scape me now. Dame. O, sir! have I forestalled your honest market! Found your close walks! You stand amazed Forth the wanton dame-If she be fairer, I see the counterfeit-I am his father, and claim him as my own. Kite. [Discovering himself.] I am your cuck- Thou faithless man! Kite. Out on thy more than strumpet's impudence! Steal'st thou thus to thy haunts? And have I taken Thy bawd and thee, and thy companion, Kite. Defy me, strumpet! Ask thy pander Can he deny it, or that wicked elder? Kno. Why, hear you, sir— Cash. Master, 'tis in vain to reason, while these passions blind you-I'm grieved to see you thus. Kite. Tut, tut, never speak; I see through every Veil you cast upon your treachery: but I have Done with you, and root you from my heart for ever. For you, sir, thus I demand my honour's due; [Draws. Kno. What lunacy is this! Put up your sword, and undeceive yourself--No arm, that e'er poised weapon, can affright me. But I pity folly, nor cope with madness. Kite. I will have proofs-I will-so you, good wife-bawd, Cob's wife; and you, that make your husband such a monster; and you, young pander, and old cuckold-maker, I'll have you every one before the justice-Nay, you shall answer it; I charge you go. Come forth, thou bawd. [Goes into the house, and brings out TIB. Kno. Marry, with all my heart, sir; I go willingly. Though I do taste this as a trick upon me, Dame. Go! to thy shame, believe it. Kite. Though shame and sorrow both my heart betide, Come on-I must, and will be satisfied. [Exeunt. SCENE III.-Stocks-Market. Enter BRAIN-WORM. Brain. Well, of all my disguises yet, now am I most like myself; being in this serjeant's gown. A man of my present profession never counterfeits, till he lays hold upon a debtor, and says, he arrests him; for then he brings him to all manner of unrest. A kind of little kings we are, bearing the diminutive of a mace, made like a young artichoke, that always carries pepper and salt in itself. Well, I know not what danger I undergo by this exploit ; pray Heaven I come well off! Enter BOBADIL and Master MATTHEW. Mat. See, I think, yonder is the varlet, by his gown. Save you, friend; are not you here by appointment of justice Clement's man? Brain. Yes, an't please you, sir, he told me two gentlemen had willed him to procure a warrant from his master, which I have about me, to be served on one Downright. Mat. It is honestly done of you both; and see where the party comes you must arrest. Serve it upon him quickly, before he be aware Enter Master STEPHEN, in DOWNRIGHT's cloak. Bob. Bear back, master Matthew. Brain. Master Downright, I arrest you i' the queen's name, and must carry you before a justice, by virtue of this warrant. Step. Me, friend, I am no Downright, I. I am Master Stephen; you do not well to arrest me, I tell you truly. I am in nobody's bonds or books, I would you should know it." ~A plague on you heartily, for making me thus afraid before my time. Brain. Why now are you deceived, gentlemen? Bob. He wears such a cloak, and that deceived us. But see, here he comes, indeed! this is he, officer. Enter DOWNRIGHT. Down. Why, how now, Signor Gull! are you turned filcher of late? Come, deliver up my cloak. Step. Your cloak, sir! I bought it even now in open market. Brain. Master Downright, I have a warrant I must serve upon you, procured by these two gentlemen. Down. These gentlemen! these rascals ! Brain. Keep the peace, I charge you, in her majesty's name. Down. I obey thee. What must I do, officer? Brain. Go before Mr Justice Clement, to answer what they can object against you, sir. I will use you kindly, sir. Clem. But who directed you thither? Kno. That did mine own man, sir. Clem. Where is he? Kno. Nay, I know not now; I left him with your clerk; and appointed him to stay for me. Clem. My clerk! About what time was this? Kno. Marry, between one and two, as I take it. Clem. And what time came my man with the false message to you, master Kitely? Kite. After two, sir. Clem. Very good: but, Mrs Kitely, how chance it that you were at Cob's? Ha! Dame. An' please you, sir, I'll tell you. My brother Well-bred told me, that Cob's house was suspected place Clem. So it appears, methinks: but on. daily. Clem. No matter, so he used himself well, mistress. Dame. True, sir; but you know what grows by such haunts, oftentimes. Clem. I see rank fruits of a jealous brain, mis Mut. Come, let us before, and make the jus-tress Kitely. But, did you find your husband tice, captain Bob. The varlet is a tall man, before heaven! [Exit. [Exit. Down. Gull, you'll gi' me my cloak? Step. Sir, I bought it, and I'll keep it. Down. You will? Step. Aye, that I will. Down. Officer, there is thy fee, arrest him. Brain. Master Stephen, I must arrest you. Step. Arrest me! I scorn it; there, take your cloak, I'll none o'nt. Down. Nay, that shall not serve your turn, now, sir. Officer, I'll go with thee to the justice's. Bring him along. Step. Why, is not here your cloak? what would you have? Down. I'll ha' you answer it, sir. Brain. Sir, I'll take your word, and this gentleman's too, for his appearance. Down. I'll ha' no words taken. Bring him along. Brain. So, so, I have made a fair mash on't. Step. Must I go? Brain. I know no remedy, master Stephen. Down. Come along before me here. I do not love your hanging look behind. Step. Why, sir, I hope you cannot hang me for it. Can he, fellow? Brain. I think not, sir. It is but a whipping matter, sure! Step. Why, then, let him do his worst, I am resolute. [Exeunt. SCENE IV.--A Hall in Justice CLEMENT's House. Enter CLEMENT, Kno'well, KITELY, Dame KITELY, TIB, CASH, COB, and Servants. Clem. Nay, but stay, stay, give me leave. My chair, sirrah. You, master Kno'well, say you went thither to meet your son. Kno. Aye, sir, there, in that case, as you suspected? Kite. I found her there, sir. Clem. Did you so? That alters the case.Who gave you knowledge of your wife's being there? Kite. Marry, that did my brother Well-bred. Clem. How! Well-bred first tell her, then tell you after? Where is Well-bred? Kite. Gone with my sister, sir, I know not whither. Clem. Why, this is a mere trick, a device; you are gulled in this most grossly, all! Alas, poor wench, wert thou suspected for this? Tib. Yes, an' it please you. Clem. I smell mischief here, plot and contrivance, master Kitely. However, if you will step into the next room with your wife, and think coolly of matters, you'll find some trick has been played you-I fear there have been jealousies on both parts, and the wags have been merry with tence; you send me word, sir, you are a soldier. Why, sir, you shall be answered here; here be them have been among soldiers. Sir, your pleasure? Bob. Faith, sir, so it is, this gentleman and myself have been most uncivilly wronged and beaten by one Downright, a coarse fellow about the town here; and, for my own part, I protest, being a man in no sort given to this filthy humour of quarrelling, he hath assaulted me in the way of my peace; despoiled me of mine honour; disarmed me of my weapons; and rudely laid me along in the open streets; when I not so much as once offered to resist him. Clem. O, God's precious! Is this the soldier? Lie there, my sword, 'twill make him swoon, I fear; he is not fit to look on't, that will put up a blow. Mat. An't please your worship, he was bound to the peace. Clem. Why, an' he were, sir, his hands were not bound, were they? Serv. There's one of the varlets of the city, sir, has brought two gentlemen here, one upon your worship's warrant. Clem. My warrant ! Serv. Yes, sir, the officer says, procured by these two. Clem. Bid him come in. Set by this picture. What, Mr Downright! are you brought at Mr Freshwater's suit here? Enter DOWNRIGHT, STEPHIEN, and BRAIN WORM. Dow. Sir, he did not serve it on me. Dow. Marry, sir, he came to me, and said he must serve it, and he would use me kindly, and SO Clem. O, God's pity, was it so, sir? He must serve it? Give me a warrant, I must serve one too-you knave, you slave, you rogue, do you say you must, sirrah? Away with him to the gaol! I will teach you a trick for you must, sir. Brain. Good sir, I beseech you be good to me. Clem. Tell him, he shall go to the gaol; away with him, I say. Brain. Aye, sir, if you will commit me, it shall be for committing more than this. I will not lose by my travel any grain of my fame, certain. [Throws off his disguise. Clem. How is this! Kno. My man, Brain-worm! Step. O, yes, uncle, Brain-worm has been with my cousin Edward and I, all this day. Clem. I told you all there was some device. Brain. Nay, excellent justice, since I have laid myself thus open to you, now stand strong for me, both by your sword and your balance. Clem. Body o' me, a merry knave! Give me a bowl of sack. If he belongs to you, Master Kno'well, I bespeak your patience. Brain. That is it I have most need of. Sir, if you will pardon me only, I will glory in all the rest of my exploits. Kno. Sir, you know I love not to have my favours come hard from me. You have your pardon; though I suspect you shrewdly for being of Dow. I'faith, sir. And here's another, brought counsel with my son against me. at my suit. Clem. What are you, sir? Step. A gentleman, sir. O, uncle! Kno. Ay, sir, this is a wise kinsman of mine. Step. God's my witness, uncle, I am wronged here monstrously; he charges me with stealing of his cloak, and would I might never stir, if I did not find it in the street by chance. Dow. O, did you find it, now? You said you bought it, ere-while. Step. And you said I stole it. Nay, now my uncle is here, I will do well enough with you. Clem. Well, let us breathe a-while. You that have cause to complain there, stand forth. Had you my warrant for this gentleman's apprehension? Bob. Aye, an't please your worship. Clem. Nay, do not speak in passion so. Where had you it? Bob. Of your clerk, sir. Clem. That's well, an' my clerk can make warrants, and my hand not at them! Where is the warrant officer, have you it? Brain. No, sir, your worship's man, master Formal, bid me do it for these gentlemen, and he would be my discharge. Clem. Why, Master Downright, are you such a ngvice to be served, and never see the warrant? Brain. Yes, faith, I have, sir; though you retained me doubly this morning for yourself; first as Brain-worm, after, as Fitz-Sword. I was your reformed soldier. 'Twas I sent you to Cob's upon the errand without end. Kno. Is it possible? Or that thou should'st disguise thyself so as I should not know thee? Brain. O, sir! this has been the day of my metamorphoses; it is not that shape alone, that I have run through to-day. I brought Master Kitely a message too, in the form of Master Justice's 's man here, to draw him out of the way, as well as your worship; while Master Well-bred might make a conveyance of Mrs Bridget to my young master. Kno. My son is not married, I hope? Brain. Faith, sir, they are both as sure as love, a priest, and three thousand pounds, which is her portion, can make them; and by this time are ready to bespeak their wedding supper at the Windmill, except some friend here prevents them, and invite them home. Clem. Marry, that will I; I thank thee for putting me in mind on't. Sirrah, go you and fetch them hither upon my warrant. Neither's friends have cause to be sorry, if I know the young couple aright. But I pray thee, what hast thou done with my man Formal? Brain. Faith, sir, after some ceremony past, |