Ver. But, methinks, she that granted you the last favour (as they call it) should not deny you any thingdone? Nov. Hey, tarpaulin, have you [NOVEL looks in, and retires again. Ver. I understand not that point of kindness, I confess. Man. No, thou dost not understand it; and I have not time to let you know all now; for these fools, you see, will interrupt us; but anon, at supper, we'll laugh at leisure together at Olivia's cuckold, who took a young fellow that goes between his wife and me for a woman. Ver. Ha! Man. Senseless, easy rascal! 'twas no wonder she chose him for a husband; but she thought him, I thank her, fitter than me for that blind, bearing office. Ver. I could not be deceived in that long woman's hair, tied up behind, nor those infallible proofs, her pouting, swelling breasts; I have handled too many sure, not to know 'em. [Aside. Man. What, you wonder the fellow could be such a blind coxcomb? Ver. Yes, yes[NOVEL looks in again, and retires. Nov. Nay, pr'ythee, come to us, Manly: gad, all the fine things one says in their company are lost without thee. Man. Away, fop! I'm busy yet.-You see we cannot talk here at our ease; besides, I must be gone immediately, in order to meeting with Olivia again to-night. Ver. To-night! it cannot be, sure. Man. I had an appointment just now from her. Man. At half an hour after seven precisely. Ver. Don't you apprehend the husband? Man. He! snivelling gull! he a thing to be feared! a husband the tamest of creatures. Ver. Very fine! [Aside. Man. But, pr'ythee, in the mean time, go try to get me some money. Though thou art too modest to borrow for thyself, thou canst do any thing for me, I know. Go; for I must be gone to Olivia: Go, and meet me here anon.-Freeman, where are you? [Exit MANLY. Manet VERNISH. Ver. Ay, I'll meet with you, I warrant; but it shall be at Olivia's.-Sure it cannot be; she denies it so calmly; and with that honest, modest assurance, it cann't be true.-And he does not use to lie-but belying a woman, when she won't be kind, is the only lie a brave man will least scruple. But then the woman in man's clothes, whom he calls a man!—well, but, by her breasts, I know her to be a woman.-But then, again, his appointment from her to meet with him to-night! I am distracted more with doubt than jealousy. Well, I have no way to disabuse or revenge myself, but by going home immediately, putting on a riding suit, and pretending to my wife, the same business which carried me out of town last requires me again to go post to Oxford to-night; then, if the appointment he boasts of be true, it's sure to hold, and I shall have an opportunity either of clearing her, or revenging myself on both. -Perhaps she is his wench, of an old date, and I am his cully, whilst I think him mine; and he has seem'd to make his wench rich, only that I might take her off his hands; or, if he has but lately lain with her, he must needs discover, by her, my treachery to him; which I'm sure he will revenge with my death, and which I must prevent with his, if it were only but for fear of his too just reproaches; for, I must confess, I never had till now any excuse, but that of interest, for doing ill to him. [Exit VERNISH. Re-enter MANLY and FREEMAN, Man. Come hither; only, I say, be sure you mistake not the time: you know the house exactly where Olivia lodges; 'tis just hard by. Free. Yes, yes. Man. Well then, bring 'em all, I say, thither, and all you know that may be then in the house; for the more witnesses I have of her infamy, the greater will be my revenge; and be sure you come straight up to her chamber, without more ado. Here, take the watch: you see 'tis above a quarter past seven; be there in half an hour exactly. Free. You need not doubt my diligence or dexterity; I am an old scourer, and can naturally beat up a wench's quarters that won't be civil. Sha'n't we break her windows too? Man. No, no; be punctual only. [Exeunt. Enter Widow BLACKACRE, and two Knights of the Post--a Waiter with Wine. Wid. Sweet heart, are you sure the door was shut close, that none of those roisters saw us come in? Wait. Yes, mistress; and you shall have a privater room above instantly. [Exit Waiter. Wid. You are safe enough, gentlemen; for I have been private in this house ere now, upon other occasions, when I was something younger. Come, gentlemen; in short, I leave my business to your care and fidelity: and so, here's to you. i Knight. We are ungrateful rogues, if we should not be honest to you; for we have had a great deal of your money. Wid. And you have done me many a good job for't: and so, here's to you again. 2 Knight. Why, we have been perjured but six times for you. 1 Knight. Forged but four deeds, with your husband's last deed of gift. 2 Knight. And but three wills. 1 Knight. And counterfeited hands and seals to some six bonds: I think that's all, brother? Wid. Ay, that's all, gentlemen: and so, here's to you again. 2 Knight. Nay, 'twould do one's heart good to be forsworn for you: you have a conscience in your ways, and pay us well. 1 Knight. You are in the right on't, brother; one would be damn'd for her, with all one's heart. 2 Knight. But there are rogues, who make us forsworn for them, and, when we come to be paid, they'll be forsworn too, and not pay us our wages, which they promised with oaths sufficient. 1 Knight. Ay; a great lawyer, that shall be nameless, bilk'd me too. the suit of Mr Freeman, guardian to Jeremiah Blackacre, Esq., in an action of ten thousand pounds. Wid. How, how! in a choak-bail action!— What, and the pen-and-ink gentlemen taken too? Wid. That was hard, methinks, that a lawyer-Have you confessed, you rogues? should use gentlemen witnesses no better. 1 Knight. A lawyer! d'ye wonder a lawyer should do't? I was bilk'd by a reverend divine, that preaches twice on Sundays, and prays half an hour still before dinner. Wid. How! a conscientious divine, and not pay people for damning themselves! Sure, then, for all his talking, he does not believe damnation. -But come, to our business: Pray be sure to imitate exactly the flourish at the end of this [Pulls out a deed or two. 1 Knight. O, he's the best in England at untangling a flourish, madam. name. Wid. And let not the seal be a jot bigger: observe well the dash too at the end of this name. 2 Knight. I warrant you, madam. Wid. Well, these and many other shifts poor widows are put to sometimes; for every body would be riding a widow, as they say, and breaking into her jointure: they think marrying a widow an easy business, like leaping the hedge where another has gone over before: a widow is a mere gap, a gap with them. 1 Knight. We needed not to confess; for the bailiffs dogg'd us hither to the very door, and overheard all that you and we said. Wid. Undone, undone then! No man was ever too hard for me till now.-Jerry, child, wilt thou vex again the womb that bore thee? Jer. Ay, for bearing me before wedlock, as you say: But I'll teach you to call a Blackacre a bastard, though you were never so much iny mother. Wid. Well, I'm undone.-Not one trick left? no law-meush imaginable?—[Aside.] Cruel sir, a word with you, I pray. Free. In vain, madam; for you have no other way to release yourself but by the bonds of matrimony. Wid. How, sir, how!-that were but to sue out an hubeus corpus, for a removal from one prison to another.-Matrimony! Free. Well, bailiffs, away with her. Wid. O, stay, sir! Can you be so cruel as to bring me under covert-baron again, and put it out of my power to sue in my own name? Matrimony to a woman is worse than excommuniEnter to them Major OLDFOX, with two Waiters.cation, in depriving her of the benefit of the law; [The Knights of the Post huddle up their writings.] What, he here!-Go then, go, my hearts; you have your instructions. [Exeunt Knights of the Post. Old. Come, madam, to be plain with you, I'll be fobb'd off no longer.---I'll bind her and gag her, but she shall hear me.--[Aside.]---Look you, friends, there's the money I promised you; and now do you what you promised me: here are my garters, and here's a gag.-You shall be acquainted with my parts, lady, you shall. Wid. Acquainted with your parts!--A rape! a rape !---What, will you ravish me? [The Waiters tie her to the chair, and gag her, and exeunt. Old. Yes, lady, I will ravish you; but it shall be through the ear, lady, the ear only, with my well-penn'd acrostics. Enter to them FREEMAN, JERRY BLACKACRE, three Bailiffs, a Constable, and his Assistants, with the two Knights of the Post. What, shall I never read my things undisturb'd again? Jer. O la!-My mother bound hand and foot, and gaping, as if she rose before her time to-day! Free. What means this, Oldfox?--But I'll re'lease you from him: You shall be no man's prisoner but mine.-Bailiffs, execute your writ. [FREEMAN unties her. Old. Nay then, I'll be gone, for fear of being bail, and paying her debts, without being her husband. [Exit OLDFOX. 1st Bail. We arrest you in the king's name, at VOL. III. and I would rather be deprived of life.-But, hark you, sir, I am contented you should hold and enjoy my person by lease or patent; but not by the spiritual patent, call'd a licence; that is, to have the privileges of a husband, without the dominion; that is, durante beneplacito : in consideration of which, I will, out of my jointure, secure you an annuity of three hundred pounds a-year, and pay your debts; and that's all you younger brothers desire to marry a widow for, I'm sure. Free. Well, widow, if Jer. What, I hope, bully-guardian, you are not making agreements without me? Free. No, no. First, widow, you must say no more that he is the son of a whore: have a care of that: and then, he must have a settled exhibition of forty pounds a-year, and a nag of assizes, kept by you, but not upon the common; and have free ingress, egress, and regress, to and from your maid's garret. Wid. Well, I can grant all that too. Jer. Ay, ay; fair words butter no cabbage But, guardian, make her sign, sign and seal; for otherwise, if you knew her as well as I, you would not trust her word for a farthing. Free. I warrant thee, squire.-Well, widow, since thou art so generous, I will be generous too; and if you'll secure me four hundred pounds a-year, but during your life, and pay my debts, (not above a thousand pounds,) I'll bate you your person, to dispose of as you please. Wid. Have a care, sir; a settlement without a consideration is void in the law: You must do something for't. U what talking would come to.-[The noise at the Man. Freeman is come too soon. [Aside. Oliv. O, 'tis he !-Then here's the happiest minute lost, that ever bashful boy or trifling woman fool'd away!-I'm undone !-my husband's reconcilement too was false as my joy :-all delusion.-But come this way; here's a back door. [Exit, and returns. The officious jade has lock'd us in, instead of locking others out !-But let us then escape your way, by the balcony; and, whilst you pull down the curtains, I'll fetch, from my closet, what next will best secure our escape: I have left my key in the door, and 'twill not suddenly be broke | open. [Exit. [A noise as it were people forcing the door. Man. Stir not; yet fear nothing. Fid. Nothing but your life, sir. Man. We shall know this happy man she calls husband. OLIVIA re-enters. Come, my dear punctual lover, there is not such another in the world: thou hast beauty and youth Oliv. Oh, where are you? What, idle with to please a wife; address and wit to amuse and fear?-Come, I'll tie the curtains, if you will fool a husband; nay, thou hast all things to behold.-Here, take this cabinet and purse, for it wished in a lover, but your fits:-I hope, my is thine, if we escape; [MANLY takes from her dear, you won't have one to-night? and that the cabinet and purse.] therefore let us make you may not, I'll lock the door, though there be haste. [Exit OLIVIA. no need of it but to lock out your fits; for my husband is just gone out of town again.-Come, where are you? [Goes to the door, and locks it.] Man. Well, thou hast impudence enough to Oliv. Come, come, my soul, come. sure. Oliv. How! time enough! True lovers can no more think they ever have time enough than love enough: You shall stay with me all night; but that is but a lover's moment. Come. Fid. But won't you let me give you and myself the satisfaction of telling you how I abused your husband last night? Oliv. Not when you can give me and yourself too the satisfaction of abusing him again to-night. -Come. Man. 'Tis mine indeed now again; and it shall never escape more from me, to you at least. The door broke open-Enter VERNISH, alone, with a dark Lanthorn and a Sword, running at MANLY; who draws, puts by the thrust, and defends himself, whilst FIDELIA runs at VERNISH behind. Ver. So, there I'm right sure [With a low voice. Man. [Softly.] Sword and dark lanthorn, villain, are some odds; but Ver. Odds! I'm sure I find more odds than I expected. What, has my insatiable two seconds at once? But[With a low voice. [Whilst they fight, OLIVIA re-enters, tying two curtains together. Oliv. Where are you now?-What, is he enter'd then, and are they fighting?-Oh! do not kill one that can make no defence !--[MANLY Fid. Let me but tell you how your husband- throws VERNISH down, and disarms him.] How! Oliv. O, name not his, or Manly's more loath--But I think he has the better on't.-Here's his some name, if you love me: I forbade 'em last scarf: 'tis he. So, keep him down still.-I hope night: and, you know, I mention'd my husband thou hast no hurt, my dearest? [Embracing MAN. but once, and he came.-No talking, pray; 'twas ominous to us. You make me fancy a noise at Enter to them FREEMAN, Lord Plausible, the door already; but I'm resolved not to be inNOVEL, JERRY BLACKACRE, and the Widow terrupted.-[A noise at the door.]-Where are BLACKACRE, lighted in by the two Sailors with you? Come; for, rather than lose my dear exTorches. pectation now, though my husband were at the door, and the bloody ruffian Manly here in the room, with all his awful insolence, I would give myself to this dear hand, to be led away to heavens of joys, which none but thou canst give.But what's this noise at the door? So, I told you Ha!-What, Manly!-And have I been thus concern'd for him? embracing him! and has he his jewels again too? What means this ?— O, 'tis too sure, as well as my shame, which I'll go hide for ever. [Offers to go out, and MANLY stops her. Man. No, my dearest, after so much kindness | as has pass'd between us, I cannot part with you yet.-Freeman, let nobody stir out of the room; for, notwithstanding your lights, we are yet in the dark, till this gentleman please to turn his face.-[Pulls VERNISH by the sleeve.] How, Vernish! art thou the happy man then? Thou! thou! -Speak, I say; but thy guilty silence tells me all. Well, I shall not upbraid thee; for my wonder is striking me as dumb as thy shame has made thee.- -But what, my little volunteer hurt and fainting! Fid. My wound, sir, is but a slight one, in my arm: 'tis only my fear of your danger, sir,.not yet well over. Man. But what's here? More strange things! [Observing FIDELIA's hair untied behind, and without a peruke, which she lost in the scuffle. What means this long woman's hair and face? Now all of it appears too beautiful for a man, which I still thought womanish indeed!--- What, you have not deceived me too, my little volunteer? Oliv. Me she has, I'm sure. [Aside. Man. Speak. Enter ELIZA and LETTICE. Eliz. What, cousin! I am brought hither by your woman, I suppose, to be a witness of the second vindication of your honour? Oliv. Insulting is not generous: You might spare me: I have you. Eliz. Have a care, cousin; you'll confess anon too much; and I would not have your secrets. Man. Come, your blushes answer me sufficiently, and you have been my volunteer in love. [To FIDELIA. Fid. I must confess, I needed no compulsion to follow you all the world over; which I attempted in this habit, partly out of shame to own my love to you, and fear of a greater shame, your refusal of it; for I knew of your engagement to this lady, and the constancy of your nature, which nothing could have alter'd but herself. Man. Dear madam, I desired you to bring me out of confusion, and you have given me more. I know not what to speak to you, or how to look upon you: The sense of my rough, hard, and ill usage of you, (though chiefly your own fault,) gives me more pain, now 'tis over, than you had when you suffer'd it: and if my heart, the refusal of such a woman, [Pointing to OLIVIA.] were not a sacrifice to profane your love, and a greater wrong to you than ever yet I did you, I would beg of you to receive it, though you used it as she has done; for though it deserved not from her the treatment she gave it, it does from you. Fid. Then it has had punishment sufficient from her already, and needs no more from me; and, I must confess, I would not be the only cause of making you break your last night't oath to me, of never parting with me, if you do not forget or repent it. Man. Then take for ever my heart, and this with it; [Gives her the cabinet.] for 'twas given to you before, and my heart was before your due: Oliv. So it seems, by giving her the cabinet. L. Plaus. The pendants appertain to your most faithful humble servant. Nov. And this locket is mine; my earnest for love, which she never paid; therefore my own again. Wid. By what law, sir, pray ?--Cousin Olivia, a word: What, do they make a seizure on your goods and chattels, vi et armis? Make your demand, I say, and bring your trover: I'll follow the law for you. Oliv. And I my revenge. [Exit OLIVIA. Man. [To VER.] But 'tis, my friend, in your consideration most that I would have return'd part of your wife's portion; for 'twere hard to take all from thee, since thou hast paid so dear for't, in being such a rascal: Yet thy wife is a fortune without a portion; and thou art a man of that extraordinary merit in villainy, the world and fortune can never desert thee, though I do; therefore be not melancholy. Fare you well, sir. [Erit VERNISH, doggedly.]---Now, adam, I beg your pardon [Turning to FIDELIA.] for lessening the present I made you; but my heart can never be lessen'd: This, I confess, was too small for you before; for you deserve the Indian world; and I would now go thither out of covetousness, for your sake only. Fid. Your heart, sir, is a present of that value, I can never make any return to't; [Pulling MANLY from the company.] but I can give you back such a present as this, which I got by the loss of my father, a gentleman of the north, of no mean extraction, whose only child I was; therefore left me in the present possession of two thousand pounds a-year, which I left, with multitudes of pretenders, to follow you, sir; having in several public places seen you, and observed your actions thoroughly, with admiration, when you were too much in love to take notice of mine, which yet was but too visible. The name of my family is Grey; my other, Fidelia: The rest of my story you shall know when I have fewer auditors. Man. Nay, now, madam, you have taken from me all power of making you any compliment on my part; for I was going to tell you, that, for your sake only, I would quit the unknown pleasure of retirement, and rather stay in this ill world of ours still, though odious to me, than give you more frights again at sea, and make again too great venture there, in you alone. But if I should tell you now all this, and that your virtue (since greater than I thought any was in the world) had now reconciled me to't, my friend here would say, 'tis your estate that has made me friends with the world. Free. I must confess I should; for I think most of our quarrels to the world are just such as we have to a handsome woman, only because we cannot enjoy her as we would do. Man. Nay, if thou art a plain dealer too, give me thy hand; for now I'll say I am thy friend indeed: and, for your sakes, though I have been so lately deceived in friends of both sexes,— I will believe there are now in the world EPILOGUE. SPOKEN BY THE WIDOW BLACKACRE. To you, the judges learned in stage laws, Sleek sempstress vents, amidst the courts, her ware; So, while we bawl, and you in judgment sit, Here's daily done the great affair o' the nation : |