Enter VAINLOVE and SHARPER.

Sharp. How! Araminta lost?

Vain. To confirm what I have said, read this. [Gives a letter.

Sharp. [Reads.] Hum, hum.-" And what then appear'd a fault, upon reflection, seems only an effect of a too powerful passion. I'm afraid I give too great a proof of my own at this timeI am in disorder for what I have written: but som thing, I know not what, forced me. I only beg a favourable censure of this, and your ARAMINTA." Lost! Pray Heaven thou hast not lost thy wits. -Here, here, she's thy own, man, sign'd and seal'd too- -To her, man-A delicious melon, pure and consenting ripe, and only waits thy cutting up-She has been breeding love to thee all this while, and just now she's deliver'd of it.

Vain. 'Tis an untimely fruit, and she has miscarried of her love.

Sharp. Never leave this damn'd ill-natured whimsy, Frank?-Thou hast a sickly, peevish appetite; only chew love, and cannot digest it.

Vain. Yes, when I feed myself—But I hate to be cramm'd-By Heaven, there's not a woman will give a man the pleasure of a chace-My sport is always baulk'd or cut short-I stumble over the game I would pursue-'Tis dull and unnatural to have a hare run full in the hound's mouth, and would distaste the keenest hunter-I would have overtaken, not have met, my game.

Sharp. However, I hope you don't mean to forsake it; that will be but a kind of a mongrel cur's trick.-Well, are you for the Mall?

Vain. No; she will be there this eveningYes, I will go too; and she shall see her error in

Sharp. In her choice, egad-But thou canst not be so great a brute as to slight her.

Vain. I should disappoint her if I did notBy her management I should think she expects it. All naturally fly what does pursue : 'Tis fit men should be coy, when women woo. [Exeunt.

SCENE II.-Changes to a Room in FONDLE-
WIFE'S House.

A Servant introducing BELLMOUR, in a fanatic habit, with a patch upon one eye, and a book

in his hand.

Serv. Here's a chair, sir, if you please to repose yourself.—I'll call my mistress. [Exit Servant.

Bell. Secure in my disguise, I have out-faced suspicion, and even dared discovery-This cloak my sanctity, and trusty Scarron's novels my prayer-book, methinks I am the very picture of Montufar in the Hypocrites.-O, she comes. Enter LETITIA.

So breaks Aurora through the veil of night,
Thus fly the clouds, divided by her light,
And every eye receives a new-born sight.
[Throwing off his cloak, patch, &c.
Lat. Thus strew'd with blushes, like-
Heaven defend me! Who's this?

Bell. Your lover.

-Ah,

[Discovering him, starts.

Lat. Vainlove's friend! I know his face, and he has betray'd me to him. [Aside.

Bell. You are surprised. Did you not expect a lover, madam? Those eyes shone kindly on my first appearance, though now they are overcast. Lat. I may well be surprised at your person and impudence; they are both new to me-You are not what your first appearance promised: The piety of your habit was welcome, but not the hypocrisy.

Bell. Rather the hypocrisy was welcome, but not the hypocrite.

Lat. Who are you, sir? You have mistaken the house sure.

Bell. I have directions in my pocket, which agree with every thing but your unkindness. [Pulls out the letter. Lat. My letter!-Base Vainlove !-Then 'tis too late to dissemble. [Aside.]-'Tis plain then you have mistaken the person. [Going.

-Hold,

Bell. If we part so I'm mistaken.hold, madam-I confess I have run into an error-I beg your pardon a thousand times-What an eternal blockhead am I! Can you forgive me the disorder I have put you into?-But it is a mistake which any body might have made.

Lat. What can this mean? "Tis impossible he should be mistaken after all this-A handsome fellow, if he had not surprised me-Methinks, now I look on him again, I would not have him mistaken. [Aside.]-We are all liable to mistakes, sir: If you own it to be so, there needs no farther apology.

Bell. Nay, faith, madam, 'tis a pleasant one, and worth your hearing-Expecting a friend, last night, at his lodgings, till 'twas late, my intimacy with him gave me the freedom of his bed: He not coming home all night, a letter was deliver'd to me by a servant in the morning: Upon the perusal, I found the contents so charming, that I could think of nothing all day but putting 'em in practice-till just now, (the first time I ever looked upon the superscription,) I am the most surprised in the world to find it directed to Mr Vainlove.-Gad, madam, I ask you a million of pardons, and will make you any satisfaction.

Læt. I am discover'd-and either Vainlove is not guilty, or he has handsomely excused him. [Aside.

Bell. You appear concern'd, madam?

Lat. I hope you are a gentleman-and, since you are privy to a weak woman's failing, won't turn it to the prejudice of her reputation. You look as if you had more honour

Bell. And more love-or my face is a false witness, and deserves to be pilloried.—No, by Heaven, I swear

Lat. Nay, don't swear, if you'd have me believe you, but promise

Bell. Well, I promise-A promise is so coldGive me leave to swear-by those eyes, those killing eyes-by those healing lips-O, press the soft charm close to mine, and seal 'em up for ever! [He kisses her.

Lat. Upon that condition. Bell. Eternity was in that moment- -One more, upon any condition.

you cen

Lat. Nay, now- -I never saw any thing so agreeably impudent. [Aside.]-Won't sure me for this now-but 'tis to buy your silence-[Kiss.]-O, but what am I doing?

Bell. Doing! no tongue can express it-not thy own; nor any thing but thy lips-I am faint with the excess of bliss-Oh, for love's sake, lead me any whither, where I may lie down-quickly; for I'm afraid I shall have a fit.

Lat. Bless me! what fit?

Bell. Oh, a convulsion-I feel the symptoms. Lat. Does it hold you long? I'm afraid to carry you into my chamber.

Bell. Oh, no-let me lie down upon the bed; -the fit will be soon over.

[Exeunt.

SCENE III.—Changes to St James's Park. Enter ARAMINTA and BELINDA, meeting. Belin. Lard, my dear, I am glad I have met you-I have been at the Exchange since, and am so tired

Aram. Why, what's the matter?

Belin. O the most inhuman, barbarous hackney-coach!-I am jolted to a jelly-Am I not horribly touzed? [Pulls out a pocket-glass.

Aram. Your head's a little out of order. Belin. A little! O, frightful! What a furious phiz I have! O, most rueful!-Ha, ha, ha! O Gad, I hope nobody will come this way till I put myself a little in repair-Ah, my dear, I have seen such unhewn creatures since-Ha, ha, ha! I cann't for my soul help thinking that I look just like one of 'em- -Good dear, pin this, and I'll tell you-Very well-so thank you, my dear: ―But, as I was telling you-Pish! this is the untoward'st lock-So, as I was telling you— How d'ye like me now?-hideous, ha ?—frightful still, or how?

Aram. No, no; you're very well as can be. Belin. And so-But where did I leave off, my dear?-I was telling you

Aram. You were about to tell me something, child-but you left off before you began.

Belin. O, a most comical sight - A country 'squire, with the equipage of a wife and two daughters, came to Mr Snipwell's shop while I

was there-But, O Gad, two such unlick'd cubs! Aram. I warrant, plump, cherry-cheek'd, country girls.

Belin. Ay, o' my conscience, fat as barn-door fowl; but so bedeck'd, you would have taken 'em for Friezland hens, with their feathers growing the wrong way-O such outlandish catures! such tramontana, and foreigners to the fashion, or any thing in practice!-I had not patience to behold-I undertook the modelling of one of their fronts, the more modern structure

Aram. Bless me, cousin, why would you affront any body so? They might be gentlewomen of a very good family.

Belin. Of a very ancient one, I dare swear, by their dress-Affront! Psha, how you're mistaken! The poor creature, I warrant, wa- as full of curtsies as if I had been her god-mother. The truth on't is, I did endeavour to make her look like a Christian: and she was sensible of it; for she thank'd me, and gave me two apples, piping hot, out of her under-petticoat pocket-ha, ha, ha! and t'other did so stare and gape, I fancied her like the front of her father's hall; her eyes were the two jut-windows, and her mouth the great door, most hospitably kept open for the entertainment of travelling flies.

Aram. So then you have been diverted.-What did they buy?

Betin. Why, the father bought a powder-horn, and an almanack, and a comb-case; the mother, a great fruz tour and a fat-amber necklace, the daughters only tore two pair of kid gloves with trying 'em on-O Gad, here comes the fool that dined at my Lady Freelove's t'other day!

Enter Sir JOSEPH and BLUFFE. Aram. May be he may not know us again. Belin. We'll put on our masks, to secure his ignorance. [They put on their masks. Sir Jo. Nay, Gad, I'll pick up; I'm resolved to make a night on't-I'll go to Alderman Fondlewife by and by, and get fifty pieces more from him-Adslidikins, bully, we'll wallow in wine and women.-Why, this same Madeira wine has made me as light as a grasshopper-Hist, hist, bully! dost thou see those tearers?-[Sings.] Look you what here is-Look you what here is-Tol, fol, dera, tol, lol- -Egad, t'other glass of Madeira, and I durst have attack'd 'em in my own proper person, without your help.

Bluff. Come on then, knight-But d'ye know what to say to 'em?

Sir Jo. Say! Poo, pox, I've enough to saynever fear it-that is, if I can but thunk on't; truth is, I have but a treacherous memory.

Belin. O frightful! Cousin, what shall we do? these things come toward us.

Aram. No matter- see Vainlove coming this way-and, to confess my failing 1 am willing to give him an opportunity of making his peace with me-and to rid me of these coxcombs, when I scem oppress'd with them, will be a fair one.

Bluff. Ladies, by these hilts, you are well met.
Aram. We are afraid not.

Bluff What says my pretty little knapsackcarrier? [To BELINDA. Belin. O monstrous filthy fellow !-Good slovenly Captain Huff, Bluff-what is your hideous name?-be gone: You stink of brandy and tobacco, most soldier-like-Foh!

[Spits. Sir Jo. Now am I slap-dash down in the mouth, and have not one word to say. [Aside. Aram. I hope my fool has not confidence enough to be troublesome. [Aside.

Sir Jos. Hem-Pray, madam, which way is the wind?

Aram. A pithy question-Have you sent your wits for a venture, sir, that you enquire?

Sir Jo. Nay, now I'm in-I can prattle like a magpie. [Aside.

Enter SHARPER and VAINLOVE, at a distance. Belin. Dear Araminta, I'm tiredArum. 'Tis but pulling off our masks, and obliging Vainlove to know us: I'll be rid of my fool by fair means. -Well, Sir Joseph, you shall see my face-but be gone immediately: I see one that will be jealous, to find me in discourse with you-Be discreet-no reply; but away. [Unmasks. Sir Jo. The great fortune that dined at my Lady Freelove's! -Sir Joseph, thou art a made man-Egad, I'm in love up to the ears. But I'll [Aside. Bluff. Nay, by the world, I'll see your face. Belin. You shall. [Unmasks. Sharp. Ladies, your humble servant. We were afraid you would not have given us leave to know

be discreet and husht.

you.

Aram. We thought to have been private. But we find fools have the same advantage over a face in a mask that a coward has while the sword is in the scabbard; so were forced to draw in our own defence.

Bluff. My blood rises at that fellow: I cann't stay where he is; and I must not draw in the Park. [To Sir JOSEPH. Sir Jos. I wish I durst stay to let her know my lodging. [Exeunt Sir JOSEPH and BLUFFE.

Sharp. There is in true beauty, as in courage, somewhat which narrow souls cannot dare to admire And see, the owls are fled, as at the break of day.

Belin. Very courtly—I believe Mr Vainlove has not rubb'd his eyes since break of day neither: he looks as if he durst not approach— Nay, come, cousin, be friends with him-I swear he looks so very simply-ha, ha, ha!-Well, a lover, in the state of separation from his mistress, is like a body without a soul.-Mr Vainlove, shall I be bound for your good behaviour for the future?

Vain. Now must I pretend ignorance equal to hers, of what she knows as well as I. [Aside.]— Men are apt to fend, 'tis true, where they find most goodness to forgive: But, madam, I hope I shall prove of a temper not to abuse mercy, by committing new offences.

|

Belin. I have broke the ice for you, Mr Vainlove, and so I leave you.-Come, Mr Sharper, you and I will take a turn, and laugh at the vulgar-both the great vulgar and the small-O Gad, I have a great passion for Cowley. Don't you admire him?

Sharp. O madam, he was our English Horace. Belin. Ah, so fine! so extremely fine! so every thing in the world that I like-O Lord, walk this way-I see a couple-I'll give you their history. [Exeunt BELINDA and SHARPER.

Vain. I find, madam, the formality of the law must be observed, though the penalty of it be dispensed with; and an offender must plead to his arraignment, though he have his pardon in his pocket.

Aram. I'm amazed! this insolence exceeds the other. Whoever has encouraged you to this assurance, presuming upon the easiness of my temper, has much deceived you; and so you shall find.

Vain. Hey-day! which way now?—Here's fine doubling.

[Aside. Aram. Base man!-Was it not enough to affront me with your saucy passion?

Vain. You have given that passion a much kinder epithet than saucy, in another place.

Aram. Another place!-Some villainous design to blast my honour-But though thou hadst all the treachery and malice of thy sex, thou canst not lay a blemish on my fame-No; I have not err'd in one favourable thought of mankind. How time might have deceived me in you, I know not: my opinion was but young, and your early base ness has prevented its growing to a wrong belief. -Unworthy and ungrateful! Be gone, and never

see me more.

Vain. Did I dream? or do I dream? Shall I believe my eyes or ears?-The vision is here still. -Your passion, madam, will admit of no farther reasoning-But here is a silent witness of your acquaintance.

[Takes out the letter, and offers it: She snatches it, and throws it away. Aram. There's poison in every thing you touch: -Blisters will follow

Vain. That tongue which denies what the hands have done.

I find I must leave the place.
Aram. Still mystically senseless and impudent.

Vain. No, madam; I'm gone. -She knows her name's to it, which she will be unwilling to expose to the censure of the first finder. [Aside.] [Exit.

Aram. Woman's obstinacy made me blind, to what woman's curiosity now tempts me to see. [Takes up the letter, and exit.

Enter BELINDA and SHARPER. Mr Sharper, you're a pure man; where did you Belin. Nay, we have spared nobody, I swear. get this excellent talent of railing?

Sharp, Faith, madam, the talent was born with

his stomach, or chafe it with a warm hand, rather than fail. What book's this?

[Sees the book that BELLMOUR forgot. Lat. Mr Spintext's prayer-book, dear-Pray heaven it be a prayer-book! [Aside. Fond. Good man! I warrant he dropped it on purpose, that you might take it up, and read some of the pious ejaculations. [Taking up the book.] O bless me! O monstrous! A prayer-book! Ay, this is the devil's pater-noster. Hold, let me see; The Innocent Adultery.

Lat. Misfortune! now all's ruined again.

[Aside. Bell. Peeping,] Damned chance! If I had gone a-whoring with the Practice of Piety in my pocket, I had never been discovered.

Fond. Adultery, and innocent! O lord! Here's doctrine! Ay, here's discipline!

Let. Dear husband, I'm amazed :- -Sure it is a good book, and only tends to the speculation of sin.

Fond. Speculation! No, no; something went farther than speculation when I was not to be let in -Where is this apocryphal elder? I'll ferret him.

Lat. I'm so distracted, I cann't think of a lie.

[Aside.

FONDLEWIFE hauling out BELLMOUR. Fond. Come out here, thou Ananias incarnate -Who? how now? who have we here? Læt. Ha! [Shrieks, as surprised. Fond. Oh, thou salacious woman! Am I then brutified? Ay, I feel it here; I sprout, I bud, I blossom, I am ripe horn-mad. But who in the devil's name, are you? Mercy on me for swearing! But

Lat. Oh, goodness keep us! Who's this? Who are you? What are you?

Bell. Soh.

Lat. In the name of the-Oh! good, my dear, don't come near it; I'm afraid it is the devil; indeed it has hoofs, dear.

Fond. Indeed, and I have horns, dear-The devil, no, I'm afraid, 'tis the flesh, thou harlot.— Dear, with the pox. Come, syren, speak, confess, who is this reverend, brawny pastor?

Læt. Indeed, and indeed now, my dear Nykin -I never saw this wicked man before.

Fond. Oh, it is a man then, it seems. Lat. Rather, sure, it is a wolf in the cloathing of a sheep.

Fond. Thou art a devil in his proper cloathing, woman's flesh. What, you know nothing of him, but his fleece here? You don't love mutton? you Magdalen unconverted.

Bell. Well, now I know my cue: That is, very honourably to excuse her, and very impudently accuse myself. [Aside. Lat. Why then, I wish I may never enter into the heaven of your embraces again, my dear, if ever I saw his face before.

Fond. O Lord! O strange !-I am in admiration of your impudence. Look at him a little better; he is more modest, I warrant you, than to

deny it. Come, were you two never face to face before? speak.

Bell. Since all artifice is vain, and I think myself obliged to speak the truth in justice to your wife, -No. Fond. Humph.

Lat. No, indeed, indeed, dear.

Fond. Nay, I find you are both in a story, that I must confess. But, what-not to be cured of the cholic? Don't you know your patient, Mrs Quack? Oh, lie upon your stomach; lying upon your stomach will cure you of the cholic. Ah! I wish he has lain upon no body's stomach but his own. Answer me that, Jezabel?

Lat. Let the wicked man answer for himself; does he think that I have nothing to do, but to excuse him? 'tis enough, if I can clear my own innocence to my own dear.

Bell. By my troth, and so 'tis—I have been a little too backward, that's the truth on't. Fond. Come, sir, who are you, in the first place? and what are you?

Bell. A whoremaster. Fond. Very concise.

Lat. O beastly, impudent creature! Fond. Well, sir, and what came you hither for? Bell. To lie with your wife. Fond. Good again. A very civil person this, and I believe speaks truth.

Lat. Oh, insupportable impudence!

Fond. Well, sir, pray be covered-and you have-Heh! You have finished the matter, heh? And I am, as I should be, a sort of a civil perquisite to a whoremaster, called a cuckold, heh. Is it not sc? Come, I'm inclining to believe every word you say.

Bell. Why, faith I must confess, so I design'd you-But you were a little unlucky in coming so soon, and hindered the making of your own for

tune.

Fond. Humph! nay, if you mince the matter once, and go back of your word, you are not the person I took you for. Come, come, go on bold. ly.-What, don't be ashamed of your profession

Confess, confess, I shall love thee the better for it-I shall, i'feck.-What, dost think I don't know how to behave myself in the employment of a cuckold, and have been three years apprentice to matrimony? Come, come, plain-dealing is a jewel.

Bell. Well, since I see thou art a good honest fellow, I'll confess the whole matter to thee.

Fond. Oh, I am a very honest fellow-You never lay with an honester man's wife in your life.

Lat. How my heart aches! All my comfort lies in his impudence, and, heaven be praised, be has a considerable portion. [Aside. Bell. In short then, I was informed of the portunity of your absence, by my spy, (for faith, ophonest Isaac, I have a long time designed thee this favour) I knew Spintext was to come by your direction.- -But I laid a trap for him, and procured his habit; in which, I passed upon your servants, and was conducted hither. I pretended