a fit of the cholic, to excuse my lying down upon your bed; hoping that, when she heard of it, her good-nature would bring her to administer remedies for my distemper. You know what might have followed-But, like an uncivii person, you knocked at the door before your wife was come

to me.

Fond. Ha! This is apocryphal; I may choose whether I will believe it or no.

Bell. That you may, faith, and I hope you won't believe a word on't-but I cann't help telling the truth for my life.

Fond. How would you not have me believe, say you?

Bell. No; for then you must of consequence part with your wife, and there will be some hopes of having her upon the public; then the encouragement of a separate maintenance

Fond. No, no, for that matter-when she and I part, she'll carry her separate maintenance about her.

Lat. Ah, cruel dear, how can you be so barbarous? You'll break my heart, if you talk of parting. [Cries.

Fond. Ah! dissembling vermin! Bell. How canst thou be so cruel, Isaac? Thou hast the heart of a mountain-tiger. By the faith of a sincere sinner, she's innocent for me. Go to him, madam, fling your snowy arms about his stubborn neck; [She goes, and hangs upon his neck, and kisses him. BELL. kisses her hand behind FONDLEWIFE'S back.] bathe his relentless face in your salt trickling tears.-So, a few soft words, and a kiss, and the good man melts. See how kind nature works, and boils over in him.

Læt. Indeed, my dear, I was but just come down stairs, when you knocked at the door; and the maid told me Mr Spintext was ill of the cholic upon our bed.-And won't you speak to me, cruel Nykin? indeed I'll die, if you don't.

Fond. Ah! No, no, I cannot speak, my heart's so full-I have been a tender husband, a tender yoke-fellow, you know I have but thou hast been a faithless Dalilah, and the Philistines have been upon thee. Heh! Art thou not vile and unclean, heh ? speak. [Weeping. Lat. No-h. [Sighing.

Fond. Oh, that I could believe thee!
Lat. Oh, my heart will break.

[Seeming to faint. Fond. Heh, how! No, stay, stay, I will believe thee, I will- -Pray bend her forward, sir. Lat. Oh! oh! where is my dear? Fond. Here, here; I do believe thee-I won't believe my own eyes.

Bell. For my part, I am so charmed with the love of your turtle to you, that i'll go and solicit matrimony with all my might and main.

Fond. Well, well, sir; as long as I believe it, 'tis well enough. No thanks to you, sir, for her virtue.-But, I'll show you the way out of my house, if you please. Come, my dear. Nay, I will believe thee, I do, i'feck.

Bell. See the great blessing of an easy faith; opinion cannot err.

No husband, by his wife, can be deceived;
She still is virtuous, if she's so believed.

[Exeunt.

SCENE I.-The Street.

Lucy. An executioner, qualified to do your business. He has been lawfully ordain'd. Heart. I'll pay him well, if you'll break the matter to him.

Lucy. I warrant you-Do you go and prepare your bride. [Exit HEARTWELL. Bell. Humph, sits the wind there? What a lucky rogue am I! Oh, what sport will be here, if I can persuade this wench to secrecy! Lucy. Sir: reverend sirBell. Madam. [Discovers himself. Lucy. Now, goodness have mercy upon me! Mr Bellmour, is it you?

Bell. Even I. What dost think? Lucy. Think! that I should not believe my eyes, and that you are not what you seem to be. Bell. True. But, to convince thee who I am, thou knowest my old token. [Kisses her. Lucy. Nay, Mr Bellmour-O Lard! I believe you are a parson in good earnest, you kiss so devoutly.

Bell. Well, your business with me, Lucy?
Lucy. I had none, but through mistake.
Bell. Which mistake you must go through

with, Lucy-Come, I know the intrigue between Heartwell and your mistress; and you mistook me for Tribulation Spintext, to marry 'em. -Ha? Are not matters in this posture? Confess:-Come, I'll be faithful; I will i'faith.What, diffide in me, Lucy?

Lucy. Alas-a-day you and Mr Vainlove between you have ruin'd my poor mistress: You have made a gap in her reputation; and can you blame her if she stop it up with a husband?

Bell. Well, is it as I say?

Lucy. Well, it is then: But you'll be secret. Bell. Pob, secret! ay :—and, to be out of thy debt, I'll trust thee with another secret. Your mistress must not marry Heartwell, Lucy.

Lucy. How! O Lord

Bell. Nay, don't be in a passion, Lucy-I'll provide a fitter husband for her.-Come, here's earnest of my good intentions for thee too; let this mollify. [Gives her money.] Look you, Heartwell is my friend; and, though he be blind, I must not see him fall into the snare, and unwittingly marry a whore.

Lucy. Whore! I'd have you to know my mistress scorns

Bell. Nay, nay: Look you, Lucy; there are whores of as good quality.-But to the purpose, if you will give me leave to acquaint you with it. Do you carry on the mistake of me; I'll marry 'em.-Nay, don't pause; If you do, I'll spoil all. -I have some private reasons for what I do, which I'll tell you within. In the mean time, I promise, and rely upon me, to help your mistress to a husband: Nay, and thee too, Lucy-here's my hand, I will; with a fresh assurance.

[Gives her more money. Lucy. Ah, the devil is not so cunning! -You know my easy nature.-Well, for once I venture to serve you; but if you do deceive me, the curse of all kind, tender-hearted women light upon you!

Bell. That's as much as to say, the pox take me.-Well, lead on. [Exeunt.

Enter VAINLOVE, SHARPER, and SETTER. Sharp. Just now, say you, gone in with Lucy? Set. I saw him, sir, and stood at the corner where you found me, and overheard all they said. Mr Bellmour is to marry 'em.

Sharp. Ha, ha! 'Twill be a pleasant cheatI'll plague Heartwell when I see him. Pr'ythee, Frank, let's teaze him, make him fret till he foam at the mouth, and disgorge his matrimonial oath with interest.-Come, thou'rt so musty.

Set. [To SHARPER.] Sir, a word with you. [Whispers him. Vain. Sharper swears she has forsworn the letter-I'm sure he tells me truth; but I am not sure she told him truth: Yet she was unaffectedly concerned, he says, and often blush'd with anger and surprise. And so I remember, in the Park. She had reason, if I wrong her I be gin to doubt?

Sharp. Say'st thou so!

Set. This afternoon, sir, about an hour before my master received the letter.

Sharp. In my conscience, like enough.

Set. Ay, I know her, sir; at least I'm sure I can fish it out of her she's the very sluice to her lady's secrets-'Tis but setting her mill a-going, and I can drain her of 'em all.

Sharp. Here, Frank, your blood-hound has made out the fault; this letter, that so sticks in thy maw, is counterfeit; only a trick of Silvia in revenge, contrived by Lucy.

Vain. Ha! it has a colour-But how do you know it, sirrah?

Set. I do suspect as much; because why, sirshe was pumping me about how your worship's affairs stood towards madam Araminta; as, when you had seen her last? when you were to see her next? and where you were to be found at that time? and such like.

Vain. And where did you tell her?
Set. In the Piazza.

Vain. There I received the letter-It must be so-And why did you not find me out, to tell me this before, sot?

Set. Sir, I was pimping for Mr Bellmour. Sharp. You were well employed-I think there is no objection to the excuse.

Vain. Pox o' my saucy credulity-If I have lost her, I deserve it. But if confession and repentance be of force, I'll win her, or weary her into a forgiveness. (Exit.

Sharp. Methinks I long to see Bellmour come forth.

Enter BELLMOUR.

Set. Talk of the devil-see where he comes. Sharp. Hugging himself in his prosperous mischief-No real fanatic can look better pleased af

ter a successful sermon of sedition.

Bell. Sharper! fortify thy spleen: Such a jest! Speak when thou art ready.

Sharp. Now, were I ill-natured, would I utterly disappoint thy mirth: Hear thee tell thy mighty jest, with as much gravity as a bishop hears venereal causes in the spiritual court: Not so much as wrinkle my face with one smile; but let thee look simply, and laugh by thyself.

Bell. Pshaw, no; I have a better opinion of thy wit-Gad, I defy thee

Sharp. Were it not loss of time, you should make the experiment. But honest Setter here overheard you with Lucy, and has told me all.

Bell. Nay then, I thank thee for not putting me out of countenance. But, to tell you something you don't know-I got an opportunity (after I married 'em) of discovering the cheat to Silvia. She took it at first, as another woman would the like disappointment; but my promise to make her amends quickly with another husband, somewhat pacified her.

Sharp. But how the devil do you think to ac quit yourself of your promise? Will you marry her yourself?

Bell. I have no such intentions at present

Bell. I'll leave him with you, and go shift my habit. [Exit.

Enter Sir JOSEPH and BLUFFE. Sharp. Heh! Sure Fortune has sent this fool hither on purpose. Setter, stand close; seem not to observe 'em, and, hark'e- [Whispers. Bluff. Fear him not. I am prepared for him now; and he shall find he might have safer roused a sleeping lion!

Sir Jos. Hush, hush! don't you see him?
Bluff. Shew him to me. Where is he?

Sir Jos. Nay, don't speak so loud-I don't jest, as I did a little while ago- -Look yonderEgad, if he should hear the lion roar, he'd cudgel him into an ass, and his primitive braying. Don't you remember the story in Æsop's Fables, bully?'Egad, there are good morals to be pick'd out of Æsop's Fables, let me tell you that; and Reynard the Fox too.

Bluff. Damn your morals!

you

Sir Jos. Pr'ythee, don't speak so loud. Bluff. Damn your morals! I must revenge the affront done to my honour. [In a low voice. Sir Jos. Ay: Do, do, captain, if think fitting-You may dispose of your own flesh as you think fitting, d'ye see! But, by the Lord Harry, I'll leave you. [Stealing away upon his tip-toes. Bluff. Prodigious! What, will you forsake your friend in extremity? You cann't in honour refuse to carry him a challenge?

[Almost whispering, and treading softly after

Sharp. I know she commended him all the while we were in the Park; but I thought it had been only to make Vainlove jealous

Sir Jos. How's this! Good bully, hold your breath, and let's hearken. 'Egad this must be I.Sharp. Death, it cann't be.- -An oaf, an idiot, a wittol.

Sir Jos. Ay, now it's out; 'tis I, my own individual person.

Sharp. A wretch, that has flown for shelter to the lowest shrub of mankind, and seeks protection from a blasted coward.

Sir Jos. That's you, bully Back.

[BLUFFE frowns upon Sir JOSEPH. Sharp. She has given Vainlove her promise to marry him before to-morrow morning.-Has she not?

Set. She has, sir; and I have it in charge to attend her all this evening, in order to conduct her to the place appointed.

Sharp. Well, I'll go and inform your master; and do you press her to make all the haste imaginable. [Exit.

Set. Were I a rogue now, what a noble prize could I dispose of! A goodly pinnace, richly laden, and to launch forth under my auspicious convoy. Twelve thousand pounds, and all her rigging; besides what lies concealed under hatches. -Ha! All this committed to my care! Avaunt, temptation!-Setter, shew thyself a person of worth; be true to thy trust, and be reputed honest. Reputed honest! hum! Is that all? Ay: For to be honest is nothing; the reputation of it is all. Reputation! What have such poor rogues as I to do with reputation? 'tis above us; and for men of quality, they are above it; so that reputation is e'en as foolish as honesty. And for my part, if I meet Sir Joseph with a purse of gold in his hand, I'll dispose of mine to the best advan tage.

Sir Jos. Heh, heh, heh! Here 'tis for you, i'faith, Mr Setter. Nay, I'll take you at your word. [Chinking a purse.

Set. Sir Joseph and the captain too! Undone, undone! I'm undone, my master's undone, my lady's undone, and all the business is undone.

Sir Jos. No, no, never fear, man, the lady's business shall be done. What-Come, Mr Setof time; but, if there be occasion, let these worthy ter, I have overheard all, and to speak is but loss gentlemen intercede for me. [Gives him gold.

Set. O Lord, sir, what do you mean? Corrupt my honesty!- -They have indeed very persuading faces. But

Sir Jos. 'Tis too little; there's more, man. -NowThere, take allSet. Well, Sir Joseph, you have such a winning way with you

Sir Jos. And how, and how, good Setter, did the little rogue look, when she talk'd of Sir Joseph? Did not her eyes twinkle, and her mouth water? Did not зhe pull up her little bubbies? And-'egad, I'm so overjoy'd-and stroke down her belly? and then step aside to tie her garter, when she was thinking of her love, heh, Setter? Set. Oh, yes, sir!

Sir Jos. How now, bully? What, melancholy, I'll make your peace-I know they were a little because I'm in the lady's favour?-No matter, smart upon you- -But I warrant I'll bring you into the lady's good graces.

Bluff Pshaw, I have petitions to show from other-guess toys than she. Look here; these were sent me this morning-There, read, [Shows here's from a countess too. Humletters.] That-that's a scrawl of quality. Here, -No, hold

-that's from a knight's wife; she sent it me by her husband-But here-But these are from persons of great quality.

Sir Jos. They are either from persons of great quality, or no quality at all, 'tis such a damn'd ugly hand.

[While Sir JOSEPH reads, BLUFFE whispers SETTER.

Set. Captain, I would do any thing to serve you; but this is so difficult

Bluff. Not at all! Don't I know him? Set. You'll remember the conditions?Bluff. I'll give 't you under my hand-In the mean time, here's earnest. [Gives him money.]— Come, knight, I'm capitulating with Mr Setter for you.

Sir Jos. Ah, honest Setter-Sirrah, I'll give thee any thing but a night's lodging. [Exeunt.

Enter SHARPER, tugging in Heartwell. Sharp. Nay, pr'ythee leave railing, and come along with me: May be she mayn't be within; 'tis but to yon corner-house.

Heart. Whither? Whither? Which cornerhouse?

Sharp. Why, there: The Two White Posts. Heart. And who would you visit there, say you?-O'ons, how my heart aches!

Sharp. Pshaw! thou'rt so troublesome and inquisitive-Why, I'll tell you; 'tis a young creature that Vainlove debauch'd, and has forsaken. Did you never hear Bellmour chide him about Silvia?

Heart. Death and hell, and marriage! My wife! [Aside.

Sharp. Why, thou art as musty as a new-married man, that had found his wife knowing the first night.

Heart. Hell and the devil! Does he know it? But hold- -if he should not, I were a fool to discover it I'll dissemble, and try him. [Aside.] Ha, ha, ha! Why, Tom, is that such an occasion of melancholy? Is it such uncommon mischief?

Sharp. No, faith; I believe not.-Few women but have their year of probation, before they are cloister'd in the narrow joys of wedlock. But, pr'ythee, come along with me, or I'll go and have the lady to myself by the way, George. [Going.

Heart. O torture! How he racks and tears me!-Death! Shall I own my shame, or wittingly let him go and whore my wife? No, that's insupportable- -Oh, Sharper !

Sharp. How now? Heart. Oh, I am―married! Sharp. Now hold, spleen!-Married! Heart, Certainly, irrecoverably married. Sharp. Heaven forbid, man! How long? Heart. Oh, an age, an age! I have been mar ried these two hours.

Sharp. My old bachelor married! that were a jest. Ha, ha, ha!

Heart. Death! D'ye mock me? Hark ye, if either you esteem my friendship, or your own safety, come not near that house-that cornerhouse-that hot brothel. Ask no questions.

Sharp. Mad, by this light.

[Exit.

Thus grief still treads upon the heels of plea

sure:

Married in haste, we may repent at leisure.

SETTER entering.

Set. Some by experience find those words misplaced;

At leisure married, they repent in haste. As I suppose my master Heartwell.

Sharp. Here again, my Mercury!

Set. Sublimate, if you please, sir; I think my achievements do deserve the epithet-Mercury was a pimp too, but, though I blush to own it, at this time, I must confess I am somewhat fallen from the dignity of my function, and do conde scend to be scandalously employed in the promotion of vulgar matrimony.

Sharp. As how, dear dexterous pimp?

Set. Why, to be brief, (for I have weighty affairs depending,) our stratagem succeeded as you intended-Bluffe turns arrant traitor; bribes me to make a private conveyance of the lady to him, and put a sham-settlement upon Sir Joseph.

Sharp. O rogue! Well, but I hope

Set. No, no; never fear me, sir--I privately informed the knight of the treachery; who has agreed seemingly to be cheated, that the captain may be so in reality.

Sharp. Where's the bride?

Set. Shifting cloaths for the purpose, at a friend's house of mine. Here's company coming; if you'll walk this way, sir, I'll tell you. [Exeunt. Enter BELLMOUR, BELINDA, ARAMINTA, and VAINLOVE.

Vain. Oh, 'twas a frenzy all: Cannot you forgive it?-Men in madness have a title to your pity. [To ARAMINTA. Aram. Which they forfeit, when they are restored to their senses.

Vain. I am not presuming beyond a pardon. Aram. You who could reproach me with one counterfeit, how insolent would a real pardon make you! But there's no need to forgive what is not worth my anger.

Belin. O' my conscience, I could find in my heart to marry thee, purely to be rid of thecAt least, thou art so troublesome a lover, there's hopes thou'lt make a more than ordinary quiet husband. [To BELLMOUR. Bell. Say you so ?—Is that a maxim among ye?

Belin. Yes; you flattering men of the mode have made marriage a mere French dish.

Bell. I hope there's no French sauce. [Aside. Belin. You are so curious in the preparation, that is, your courtship, one would think you meant a noble entertainment; but when we come to feed, 'tis all froth, and poor, but in show: nay, often only remains, which have been I know not how many times warmed for other company, and at last served up cold to the wife.

Bell. That were a miserable wretch indeed, who could not afford one warm dish for the wife of his bosom-But you timorous virgins form a dreadful chimera of a husband, as of a creature

contrary to that soft, humble, pliant, easy thing, a lover, so guess at plagues in matrimony, in opposition to the pleasures of courtship. Alas! courtship to marriage, is but as the music in the playhouse, till the curtain's drawn ; but that once up, then opens the scene of pleasure.

Belin. Oh, foh-no: rather, courtship to marriage, is a very witty prologue to a very dull play.

Enter SHARPER.

Sharp. Hist, Bellmour! if you'll bring the ladies, make haste to Silvia's lodgings, before Heartwell has fretted himself out of breath.-I'm in haste now, but I'll come in at the catastrophe.

[Exit. Bell. You have an opportunity now, madam, to revenge yourself upon Heartwell, for affronting your squirrel. [TO BELINDA.

Belin. O the filthy rude beast! Aram. 'Tis a lasting quarrel: I think he has never been at our house since.

Bell. But give yourselves the trouble to walk to that corner-house, and I'll tell you by the way what may divert and surprise you. Exeunt.

SCENE II.-Changes to SILVIA's Lodging.

Enter HEARTWELL and Boy.

Heart. Gone forth, say you, with her maid? Boy. There was a man, too, that fetched 'em out-Setter, I think, they called him.

Heart. So-h-That precious pimp tooDamn'd, damn'd strumpet! Could she not contain herself on her wedding-day! Not hold out till night! Leave me. [Exit Boy.] O cursed state! How wide we err, when, apprehensive of the load of life, -We hope to find That help which nature meant in woman-kind! To man that supplemental self design'd, But proves a burning caustic when apply'd; And Adam sure could, with more ease, abide The bone when broken, than when made a bride.

Enter BELLMOUR, Belinda, VainLOVE, and ARAMINTA.

Bell. Now, George! what, rhyming? I thought the chimes of verse were past, when once the doleful marriage-knell was rung,

Heart, Shame and confusion! I am exposed. [VAINLOVE and ARAMINTA talk apart. Belin. Joy, joy, Mr Bridegroom! I give you joy, sir!

Heart. 'Tis not in thy nature to give me joyA woman can as soon give immortality.

Belin. Ha, ha, ha !-O Gad! men grow such clowns when they are married

Bell. That they are fit for no company but their wives.

Belin. Nor for them neither, in a little timeI swear, at the month's end, you shall hardly find a married man that will do a civil thing to his

Bell. Hold, hold !-What the devil, thou wilt not draw upon a woman !

Vain. What's the matter?

Aram. Bless me! what have you done to him? Belin. Only touched a gall'd beast till he winced.

Vain. Bellmour, give it over; you vex him too much; 'tis all serious to him.

Belin. Nay, I swear, I begin to pity him myself. Heart. Damn your pity!-But let me be calm a little-How have I deserved this of you? Any of ye?-Sir, have I impaired the honour of your house, promised your sister marriage, and whored her? Wherein have I injured you? Did I bring a physician to your father, when he lay expiring, and endeavour to prolong his life, and you oneand-twenty?-Madam, have I had an opportunity with you and baulked it? Did you ever offer me the favour that I refused it? Ör

Belin. Oh foh! What does the filthy fellow mean? Lard, let me be gone!

Aram. Hang me if I pity you; you are right enough served.

Bell. This is a little scurrilous though. Vain. Nay, 'tis a sore of your own scratching -Well, George,

Heart. You are the principal cause of all my present ills. If Silvia had not been your whore, my wife might have been honest.

Vain. And if Silvia had not been your wife, my whore might have been just-There we are even-But have a good heart: I heard of your misfortune, and come to your relief.

Heart. When execution's over, you offer a reprieve.

Vain. What would you give?

Heart. Oh! any thing, every thing, a leg or an arm: Nay, I would be divorced from my virility, to be divorced from my wife.

Enter SHARPER.

Vain. Faith that's a sure way-But here's one can sell you freedom better cheap.

Sharp. Vainlove, I have been a kind of a godfather to you yonder; I have promised and vowed some things in your name, which I think you are bound to perform.

Vain. No signing to a blank, friend.

Sharp. No, I'll deal fairly with you~~'Tis a