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Mira. Your bill of fare is something advan- Mira. Then we're agreed. Shall I kiss your ced in this latter account. Well, have I liberty hand upon the contract ? And here comes one to offer conditions—That when you are dwind to be a witness to the sealing of the deed. led into a wife, I may not be beyond measure

Mirs FAINALL enters. enlarged into a husband ?

Mill. You have free leave; propose your ut. Mill. Fainall, what shall I do? shall I have most; speak, and spare not.

him? I think I must have bim. Mira. I thank you. Imprimis, then, I cove- Mrs Fuin. Ay, ay, take him, take him ; what nant that your acquaintance be general; that should you do? you admit no sworn conGdante, or intimate of Mill. Well then—I'll take my death I'm in a your own sex: no she friend, to screen her af- horrid fright-Fainall, I shall never say it-well fairs under your countenance, and tempt you to

I think I'll endure you. make trial of a mutual secrecy. No decoy-duck Mrs Fuin. Fie,fie, have sim, have him, and tell to wheedle you a fop-scrambling to the play in a him so in plain terms; for I am sure you have a mask— Then bring you home in a pretended mind to have him. fright, when you think you shall belound out-And Mill. Are you? I think I have—and the horraii at me for missing the play, and disappoint- rid man looks as if he thought so too -Well, ing the trolic which you had to pick me up, and you ridiculous thing you, I'll have you- I won't prove in constancy.

be kissed, nor I won't be thanked-Herc, iss Mill. Detestable impriniis! I go to the play my hand though -so, hold your tongue now; in a mask!

don't say a wordl. Bliru. Item, I article that you continue to Mrs Fain. Mirabell, there's a necessity for like your own face as long as I shall; and while your obedience; you have neither time to talk it passes current with me, that you endeavour nor stay. My mother is coming; and in my not to new-coin it. To which end, together conscience if she should see you, would fall into with all vizards for the day, I prohibit all masks fits, and may be not recover time enough to re. for the night, made of oiled.skins, and I know turn to Sir Rowland, who, as Foible telis me, is not what-hog’s-bones, hare’s.gall, pig water, in a fair way to succeed. Therefore spare your and the marrow of a roasted cat. In short, I for- cestacies for another occasion, and slip down the bid all commerce with the gentlewoman in what back-stairs, where Foible waits to consult you. d'ye-call-it court. Itcm, I shut nay door against Mill. Ay, go, go. In the mean time I'll

supali procuresses with baskets, and pennyworths pose you have said something to please me. of muslin, china, fans, &c. Item, when you shall Alira. I am all obedience.

(Exit. be breeding

Mrs Fain. Yonder's Sir Wilfull drunk ! and Mill. Ah! name it not.

so noisy, that my mother has been forced to Mira. Which may be presumed, with a bless. leave Sir Rowland to appease him; but he aning on our endeavours

swers her only with singing and drinking-what Mill. Odious endeavours !

they may have done by this time I know not; Mira. I denounce against all strait-lacing, but Petulant and he were upon quarrelling as I squeezing for a shape, tiil you mould my boy's came by. bead like a sugar-loaf! and, instead of a man- Mill. Well, if Mirabell should not make a child, make me father to crooked billet. Last- good husband, I am a lost thing; for I find I ly, to the dominion the tea-table I submit- I love him violently But with proviso, that you exceed not in your Mrs Fain. So it seerns; for you mind not province; but restrain yourself to native and what's said to you. If you doubt him, you had simple tea-table drinks, as tea, chocolate, and better take up with Sir Wilfull. coffee. As likewise to genuine and authorized Mill. How can you name that superannuated tea-table talk-Such as mending of fashions, | lubber? foh! spoiling reputations, railing at absent friends, and so forth—But that on no account you encroach

WITWOULD enters, from drinking. on the men's prerogative, and presume to drink Mirs Fain. So, is the fray made up, that you healths, or toast fellows; for prevention of which have left 'em ? I banish all foreign forces, all auxiliaries to the Wit. Left 'em? I could stay no longer- -I tea-table, as orange-brandy, all anniseed, cinna- have laugh'd like ten christenings—I am tipsy mon, citron, and Barbadoes waters, together with laughing-If I had staid any longer I with ratafia, and the most noble spirit of clary:- should have burst-I must have been let out and But for cowslip wine, poppey.water, and all dor. pierced in the sides, like an unsized camlet.mitives, those I allow. These proviso admitted, Yes, yes, the fray is composed; my lady came in other things I may prove a tractable and com- in like a nuli prostqui, and stopt the proceedplying husband.

ings. Mill. O, horrid proviso! filthy strong waters! Mill. What was the dispute ? I toast fellows; odious men! I hate your odious Wit. That's the jest; there was no dispute. proviso

They could neither of 'em speak for rage, and



80 fell a sputtering at one another, like two roast- | d’ye think my niece will ever endure such a boing apples.

rachio? you're an absolute borachio.

Sir Wil. Borachio !
PETULANT enters, drunk.

L. Wish. At a time when you should comNow, Petulant, all's over, all's well ? gad, my mence an amour, and put your best foot fore, head begins to whim it about-Why dost thou not speak? thou art both as drunk and as mute Sir Wil. 'Sheart! an you grutch me your lias a fish.

quor, make a bill-give me more drink, and take Pet. Look you, Mrs Millamant-if you can my purse.

(Sings. love me, dear nymph-say it—and that's the

Pr’ythee fill me the glass conclusion-pass on, or pass off - that's all.

'Tiil it laugh in my face, Wit. Thou hast uttered volumes, folios, in

With ale that is potent and mellow ; less than decimo sexto, my dear Lacedemonian.

He That whines for a luss
Sirrah, Petulant, thou art an epitomizer of words.
Pet. Witwould-You are an annihilator of

Is an ignorant ass,

For a bumper has not its fellow. Wit. Thou art a retailer of phrases, and dost But if you would have me marry my cousin--sag deal in remnants of remnants, like a maker of the word, and I'll do't-Wilfuil will do't, that's pin-cushions—thou art in truth (metaphorically the word, Wilfull will do't, that's my crest, speaking) a speaker of short-hand. Pet. Thou art (without a figure) just one

my motto I have forgot.

L. Wish. My nephew's a little overtaken, half of an ass, and Baldwin yonder, thy half-brother, is the rest—a gemini of asses split, would cousin—but 'tis with drinking your health

O' my word, you are obliged to himmake just four of you.

Sir Wil. In vino veritas, aunt: if I drunk Wit. Thou dost bite, my dear mustard-seed ;

your health to-day, cousin-I am a borachio. kiss me for that.

But if Pet. Stand off—I'll kiss no more males.word, and send for the piper; Wilfull will do't.

have a mind to be married, say the have kissed your twin yonder in a humour of re

If not, dust it away, and let's have t'other round conciliation, till he [Hiccups] rises upon my sto

- Tony ! od's heart, where's Tony ?- Tony's mach like a raddish. Mill. Eh ! filthy creature—what was the quar- and that's a fault.

an honest fellow, but he spits after a bumper,

[Sings. rel?

Pet. There was no quarrel—there might have We'll drink, und we'll never ha' done, boys. been a quarrel.

Put the glass then around with the sun, boys. Wit. If there had been words enow between Let Apollo's example invite us ; 'em to have expressed provocation, they had For he's drunk every night, gone together by the ears like a pair of castanets. And that makes him so bright, Pet. You were the quarrel,

That he's able next morning to light us. Mill, Me!

Pet. If I have the humour to quarrel, I can make the sun's a good pimple, an honest soaker ; he less matters conclude premises--if you are not has a cellar at your Antipodes. If I travel, aunt, handsome, what then, if I have a humour to I touch at your Antipodes your Antipodes

-If I shall have my reward, say so: are good rascally sort of topsy-turvy fellows—if if not, fight for your face the next time yourself I had a bumper I'd stand upon my head and -I'll go sleep

drink a health to them-A match or no match, Wit. Do wrap thyself up like a wood-louse, cousin with the hard name?-Aunt, Wilfuli and dream revenge-and hear me, if thou canst will do't. If she has her maidenhead, let her learn to write by to-morrow morning, pen me a look to't; if she has not, let her keep her own challenge- carry it for thee.

counsel in the mean time, and cry out at the Pet. Carry your mistress's monkey a spider-nine month's end. go flea dogs, and read romances. -I'll go to Mill. Your pardon, madam, I can stay no bed to my maid.

Exit. longer-Sir Wilfull grows very powerful. Egh! Mrs Fain. He's horridly drunk-how came how he smells ! I shall be overcome if I stay. you all in this pickle?

Come, cousin. Wit. A plot, a plot, to get rid of the knight. (Ereunt MILLAMANT and Mrs FAINALL.

Your husband's advice; but he sneaked off. L. Wish. Smells ! he would poison a tallowSir Wilfull,drunk, and Lady WISHPORT enter. know not what to do with him. Travel, quotha!

chandler and his family; Beastly creature ! ! L. Wish. Out upon't, out upon't! At years of ay, travel, travel, get thee gone, get thee gone, get discretion, and comport yourself at this rantipole thee but far enough, to the Saracens, or the Tarrate!

tars, or the Turks; for thou art not fit to live in Sir Wil. No offence, aunt.

a Christian commonwealth, thou beastly Pagan. L. Wish. Offence! as I am a person, I'm Sir Wil, Turks! no; no Turks, aunt; your ashamed of you—fob! how you stink of wine! | Turks are infidels, and believe not in the grave.

prove it?


es ?

Your Mahometan, your Musselman is a dry a most prevailing vehemence-But a day or two stinkard—No offence, aunt. My map says that for decency of marriage. your Turk is not so honest a man as your Chris- Wail. For decency of funeral, madam. The tian. I cannot find by the map that your Muf- delay will break my heart; or if that should fail, ti is orthodox, whereby it is a plain case, that I shall be poisoned. My nephew will get an orthodox is a hard word, aunt, and—[Hıccups] | inkling of my designs, and poison me, and I would Greek for claret.

(Sings. willingly starve him before I die: I would gladly

go out of the world with that satisfaction. That To drink is a Christian didersion,

would be some comfort to me, if I could but live Unknown to the Turk or the Persian : so long as to be revenged on that unnatural viLet Mahometan fools

per. Live by heathenish rules,

L. Wish. Is he so unnatural, say you? Truly I And be damned over tea-cups and coffee ; would contribute much both to the saving of But let British lads sing,

your life and the accomplishment of your reCrown a health to the king,

venge. Not that I respect myself; though he And a fig for your sultan and sophi. has been a perfidious wretch to me.

Wait. Perfidious to you ! Foible enters, and whispers Lady WISHFORT.

L. Wish. O, Sir Rowland, the hours that he Eh, Tony !

has died away at my feet, the tears that he has L. Wish. Sir Rowland impatient? good lack ! shed, the oaths that he has sworn, the palpitawhat shall I do with this beastly tumbril?—go tions that he has felt, the trances and tremblings, lie down and sleep, you sot; or, as I'm a person, the ardours and the ecstacies, the kneelings and I'll have you bastinadoed with broomsticks. Call the risings, the heart-heavings and the hand-griup the wenches with broomsticks.

pings, the pangs and the pathetic regards of his Sir Wil. Ahey! wenches; where are the wench- protesting eyes! Oh, no inemory can register.

Wail. What, my rival! is the rebel my rival ? L. Wish. Dear cousin Witwould, get him away, a' dies. and you will bind me to you inviolably.. I have

L. Il'ish. No, don't kill him at once, Sir Rowan affair of moment that invades me with some land; starve him gradually, inch by inch. precipitation-you will oblige me to all futurity. l'uit. I'll do't. In three weeks he shail be

Wit. Come, knight-plague on him, I don't barefoot ; in a month out at knees with begging know what to say to him, will you go to a cock- an alms. He shall starve upward and upward, match?

till he has nothing living but his head, and then Sir Wil. With a wench, Tony? Is she a shaken go out in a stink, like a candlo's end upon a bag, sirrah? let me bite your cheek for that. saveall.

Wit. Horrible ! he has a breath like a bag. L. Wish. Well, Sir Rowland, you have the pipe.- Ay, ay, come, will you march, my Salopi. way-You are no novice in the labyrinth of love

-You have the clue-But, as I am a person, Sir Sir Wil. Lead on, little Tony.—I'll follow Rowland, you must not attribute my yielding to thee, my Anthony, my Tanthony : sirrah, thou any sinister appetite, or indigestion of widowshalt be my Tanthony, and I'll be thy pig. hood; nor impute my complacency to any lethar

gy of continence. I hope you do not think mę -And a fis for your sultan and sophi.

prone to any iteration of nuptials(Exeunt Sir WILFULL, Mr WIT. and Ilait, Far be it from me FOIBLE.

L. Wish. If you do, I protest I must recedeL. Wish. This will never do. It will never or think that I have made a prostitution of demake a match-At least before he has been

corums; but in the vehemence of compassion, abroad.

and to save the lise of a person of so much im

portanceWAITWELL enters disguised as for Sir Row- Wait. I esteem it soLAND.

L. Wish. Or else you wrong my condescen. Dear Sir Rowland, I am confounded with con- sionfusion at the retrospection of my own rudeness.

Wait. I do not, I do not- I have more pardons to ask than the pope dis

L. Wish. Indeed you do. tributes in the year of jubilee. But I hope where Woil. I do not, fair shrine of virtue. there is likely to be so near an alliance, we may L. Wish. If you think the least scruple of carunbend the severity of decorum, and dispense nality was an ingredientwith a little ceremony.

Wait. Dear madam, no. You are all cam, Wait. My impatience, madam, is the effect of phire and frankincense, all chastity and odour. my transport; and till I have the possession of L. Wish. Or thatyour adorable person, I am tantalized on the rack,

FOIBLE enters, and do but hang, madam, on the tenter of expectation.

Foi. Madam, the dancers are ready, and there's L. Wish. You have an excess of gallantry, Sir one with a letter, who must «leliver it into your Rowland, and press things to a conclusion with


own hands,

Ľadvish. Sir Rowland, will you give me leave? | A woman's hand! The rascal writes a sort of a think favourably, judge candidly, and conclude large hand; your Roman hand I saw there was you have found a person who would suffer racks a throat to be cut presently. If he were my son, in honour's cause, dear Sir Rowland, and will as he is my nephew, I'd pistol him. wait on you incessantly.

[Exit. Foi. O, treachery! But are you sure, Sir RowWait. Fie, fie !-What a slavery have I un- land, it is his writing? dergone! Spouse, hast thou any cordial? I want Wait. Sure! Am I here? Do I live? Do I spirits.

love this pearl of India? I have twenty letters in Foi. What a washy rogue art thou, to pant iny pocket from him, in the same character. thus for a quarter of an hour's lying and swear- L. ll’ish. How ! ing to a finc lady!

Foi. O, what luck it is, Sir Rowland, that Wait, 0, she is the antidote to desire. Spouse, you were present at this juncture! This was the thou wilt fare the worse fort; I shall have no ap-business that brought Mr Mirabell disguised to petite to iteration of nuptials—this eight and for- | Madam Millainant this afternoon. I thought ty hours. By this hand, I'd rather be a chair- something was contriving, when he stole by me, man in the dog.days, than act Sir Rowland till and would have hid bis face. this time to-morrow.

L. Ilish. How, how ! -I licard the villain was

in the house indeed ; and now I renientier, my Lady Wisurort enters, with a letter.

niece went away abruptly, when Sir Willull was L Iish. Call in the dancers.—Sir Rowland, to have made his addresses. we'll sit, if you please, and see the entertain- Foi. Then, then, madam, Mr Mirabell waited ment. [Dance.) Now, with your permission, Sir for her in her chamber; but I would not tell your Rowland, I will peruse my letter- I would open ladyship, to discompose you when you were to it in your presence, because I would not make receive Sir Rowland. you uneasy. If it should make you uneasy, I Wait. Enough: his date is short. would burn it: speak if it does—but you inay Foi. No, good Sir Rowland, don't incur the sce the superscription is like a woman's hand. law.

Foi. By Heaven! Mrs Marwood's. I know I'aii. Law! I care not for law. I can but it.—My heart achesget it from her die, and 'tis in a good cause. My lady shall be

(To him. satisfied of my truth and innocence, though it Wait. A woman's band ? No, madam, that's cost me my life. no woman's hand, I see that alrcady. That's L. Wish. No, dear Sir Rowland, don't fight; somebody whose throat must be cut.

if you should be killed I must never shew my L. Wish Nay, Sir Rowland, since you give me face; or hang'd-0, consider my reputation, Sir a proof of your passion by your jealousy, I pro- Rowland- No, you sha'n't fight-I'll go in I'll make a return by a frank communi- and examine my niece; I'll make her confess

. cation-You shall see it--we'll open it together I conjure you, Sir Rowland, by all your love, not --Look you here. [Reads.] “Madam, though un. to fight. known to you,"'- -{Look you there; 'tis from lluit. I am charmed, madam; I obey. But nobody that I knoji'.)-“I have that honour for some proof you must let me give you ;—I'll go your character, that I think myself obliged to let for a black box, which contains the writings of you know you are abused. He who pretends my whole estate, and deliver that into your liards. to be Sir Rowland is a cheat and a rascal'. L. Wish. Ay, dear Sir Rowland, that will be 0, Ileavens! what's this?

some comfort : bring the black box. Foi. Unfortunate! all's ruin'd!

Wait. And may I presume to bring a contract, Iluit. Ilow, how ! let me see, let me see- to be signed this night? May I hope so far? [Reading.j“ A rascal, and disguised and suborn'd L. Mish. Bring what you will; but come alive, for that imposture”- -0, villainy! O, villainy! | pray come alive. O, this is a happy discovery. “ By the contrivance of”.

Muit: Dead or alive I'll come-and married 1. Wish. I shall faint, I shall die, ho! we will be, in spite of treachery; ay, and get an

Fui. Say 'tis your nephew's hand.- -Quick- beir that shall defeat the last remaining glimpse ly:-his plot: :-swear it, swear it.

of hope in my abandoned nephew. Come, my Wuit. Here's a villain! madam, don't you per- buxom widow, ceive it; don't you see it? L. Wish. Too well, too well. I have seen too

Ere long you shall substantial proof receive much.

That I'm an arrant knightWait. I told you at first I knew the hand

Foi. Or arrant krave.


mise you


have been broker for you? What, have you marle SCENE 1-Continues.

a passive bawd of me? This exceeds all piece

dent. I am brought to fine lises, to becuire a Lady WISHFORT and FOIBLE.

botcher of second hand marriages between Aligails L. Wish. Out of my house, out of my house, and Andrews! I'll couple you. Yes, i'll la te thou viper, thou serpent, that I have fostered ; you together, you and your Philander. I'll Duke's thou bosom traitress, that I raised from nothing Place you, as I'm a person. Your turtle is in -Be gone, be gone, be gone, go, go–That I took custody already : you shall coo in the same cage; from washing of old gauze, and weaving of dead if there be a constable or warrant in the prisli

. hair, with a bleak blue nose, over a chaffing-dish

Fot. of starved embers, and dining behind a traverse- Foi. O, that ever I was born! O, that I was rag, in a shop no bigger than a bird-cage_go, ever married! A bride! Ay, I shall be a Bridewell go, starve again; do, do.

bride. Oh! Foi. Dear madam, I'll beg pardon on my knees. L. Wish. Away, out, out, go set up for your

Mrs FAINALL enters. self again: Do drive a trade, do, with your three- Mrs Fain. Poor Foible, what's the matter? pennyworth of small ware, flaunting upon a pack. Fu. O, madam, my lady's gone for a consta. thread, under a brandy-seller's bulk, or against a ble; I shall be had to a justice, and put to ridedead wall by a ballad-monger. Go, hang out an well to beat hemp; poor Waitwell's gone to priold frisoneer-gorget, with a yard of yellow Col- son already. berteen again; do; an old gnaw'd mask, two VIrs Fuin. Have a good heart, Foible; Mirafows of pins, and a child's fiddle; a glass neck- bell's gone to give security for him. This is all lace, with the beads broken, and a quilted niglit- | Marwood's and my husband's doing. cap with one ear. Go, go, drive a trade.- These Fu. Yes, yes, I know it, madam ; she was in were your commodities, you treacherous trull; my lady's closet, and overheard all that you said this was the merchandize you dealt in, when I to me before dinner. She sent the letter to my took you into my house, placed you next myself, lady; and that missing effect, Mr Tainall laid and made you governante of my whole family. this plot to arrest Waitwell

, when he pretended You have forgot this, have you, now you have to go for the papers; and in the mean time Jírs feathered your nest?

Marwood declared all to my lady. Foi. No, no, dear madam. Do but hear me; Air's Fain. Was there no mention made of me have but a moment's patience-I'll confess all. in the letter ?— My mother does not su pett my Mr Mirabell seduced me; I am not the first that being in the contederacy; I fancy Marwood has he has wheedled with his dissembling tongue; not told her, though she has told


husband. your ladyship's own wisdom has been deluded Fui. Yes, madam; but my lady did not see that by him; then how should I, a poor ignorant, de part: we stifted the letter before she read so far. fend myself? 0, madam, if you knew but what Has that mischievous devil told Mr Fæinall of he promised me, and how he assured me your your ladyship, then? ladyship should coine to no damage-Or else the mis luin. Ay, all's out; my affair with Miwealth of the Indies should not have bribed me rabeil, every thing discovered. This is the last to conspire against so good, so sweet, so kind a day of our living together, that's my comfort. lady as you have been to me.

Foi. Indeed, madam, and so 'tis a comfort, if 1, Wish. No damage! What, to betray me, you knew all-He has been even with your ladyand marry me to a cast serving-man; to make ship; which I could have told you long cnough me a receptacle, an hospital for a decayed pimp? since, but I love to keep peace and quietness by No damage! O! thou frontless impudence, more my good will : I had rather bring friends together, than a big-bellied actress.

than set them at distance. But Mrs Marwood Fui. Pray do but hear me, madam. He could and he are nearer related than ever their parents not marry your ladyship, madam-No, indeed, thought for. his marriage was to have been void in law; for he Airs Fain. Say'st thou so, Foible? Canst thou was married to me first, to secure your ladyship. prove this? He could not have bedded your ladyship; for if Foi. I can take my oath of it, madam ; so can he had consummated with your ladyship, he must Mrs Mincing; we have had many a fair word bave run the risk of the law, and been put up- from Madam Marwood, to conceal something that on his clergy. Yes, indeed, I inquired of the passed in our chamber one evening when we were law in that case, before I would meddle or make. at Hyde Park-and we were thought to have gone

L. Wish. What, then I have been your pro- a-walking: but we went up unawares—though perty, have 1? I have been convenient to you, it we were sworn to secrecy too: Macam Marwood seems-While you were catering for Mirabell, I took a book, and swore us upon it; but it was

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