[Aside.

Dick. What a misfortune! Mrs Am. Good Lard! how bravely decked thou art. But it's all one; I am thy mother still; and though thou art a wicked child, Nature will speak: I love thee still. Ah, Dick, my poor Dick! [Embracing him. Dick. Blood and thunder! will you ruin me? [Breaking from her. Mrs Am. Ah, the blasphemous rogue, how he swears!

Dick. You destroy all my hopes.

Mrs Am. Will your mother's kiss destroy you, varlet? Thou art an ungracious bird: kneel down and ask my blessing, sirrah.

Dick. Death and furies!

Mrs Am. Ah, he's a proper young man; sce what a shape he has. Ah, poor child! [Running to embrace him, he still avoiding her. Dick. Oons! keep off: the woman's mad. If any body comes, my fortune's lost.

Mrs Am. What fortune, ha? Speak, graceless. Ah, Dick, thou'lt be hanged, Dick!

Dick. Good, dear mother, now, don't call me Dick here.

Mrs Am. Not call thee Dick! Is it not thy name? What shall I call thee? Mr Amlet? ha? Art not thou a presumptuous rascal? Hark you,

sirrah, I hear of your tricks: You disown me for your mother, and say I am but your nurse. Is not this true?

Dick. No, I love you, I respect you, [Taking her hand,] I am all duty. But if you discover me here, you ruin the fairest prospect that man ever had.

Mrs Am. What prospect? ha? Come, this is a lie now.

Dick. No, my honoured parent, what I say is true: I'm about a great fortune. I'll bring you home a daughter-in-law in a coach and six horses, if you'll but be quiet: I can't tell you more now. Mrs Am. Is it possible? Dick. 'Tis true, by Jupiter. Mrs Am. My dear lad-Dick. For Heaven's sakeMrs Am. But tell me, DickDick. I'll follow you home in a moment, and tell you all.

Mrs Am. What a shape is there!

Dick. Pray, mother, go.

Mrs Am. I must receive some money here first, which shall go for thy wedding-dinner.

Dick. Here's somebody coming. S'death! she'll betray me. [He makes signs to his mother.

Mrs Am. The pretty lad, he's as impudent as a page.

[Aside. Dick. Who is this good woman, Flippanta? Flip. A gin of all trades; an old daggling cheat, that hobbles about from house to house, to bubble the ladies of their money. I have a small business of yours in my pocket, colonel.

Dick. An answer to my letter?

Flip. So quick indeed! No, it's your letter itself.

Dick. Hast thou not given it then yet? Flip. I ha'n't had an opportunity; but it won't be long first. Won't you go in and see my lady?

Dick. Yes, I'll go make her a short visit. But, dear Flippanta, don't forget: my life and fortune are in your hands.

Flip. Ne'er fear; I'll take care of'em. Mrs Am. How he traps 'em! let Dick alone. [Aside.

Dick. Your servant, good madam.

[To his Mother. Exit DICK. Mrs Am. Your honour's most devoted.-A pretty, civil, well-bred gentleman this, Mrs Flippanta. Pray, whom may he be?

Flip. A man of great note-Colonel Shapely. Mrs Am. Is it possible? I have heard much of him indeed, but never saw him before: One

before she can come abroad, is so long a placing her coquette-patch, that I must be a year without company. How insupportable is a moment's uneasiness to a woman of spirit and pleasure!

Enter FLIPPANTA.

Clar. O, art thou come at last? Pr'ythee, Flippanta, learn to move a little quicker: thou knowest how impatient I am.

Flip. Yes, when you expect money: If you had scut me to buy a prayer-book, you'd have thought I had flown.

Clar. Well, hast thou brought me any, after all?

Flip. Yes, I have brought some. There, [Giving her a purse ;] the old hag has struck off her bill; the rest is in that purse.

Clar. 'Tis well; but take care, Flippanta, my husband don't suspect any thing of this: 'twould vex him, and I don't love to make him uneasy: so I would spare him these little sort of troubles, by keeping 'em from his knowledge.

Flip. See the tenderness she has for him, and yet he's always complaining of you. Clar. 'Tis the nature of 'em, Flippanta: a husband is a growling animal.

Fip. How exactly you define 'em!

Clar. O! I know 'em, Flippanta: though, I confess, my poor wretch diverts me sometimes with his ill humours. I wish he would quarrel with me to-day a little, to pass away the time, for I find myself in a violent spleen.

Flip. Why, if you please to drop yourself in his way, six to four but he scolds one rubbers with

you.

Clar. Ay, but thou knowest he's as uncertain as the wind; and if, instead of quarrelling with me, he should chance to be fond, he'd make me as sick as a dog.

Flip. If he's kind, you must provoke him; if he kisses you, spit in his face.

Clar. Alas, when men are in the kissing fit, (like lap-dogs,) they take that for a favour.

Flip. Nay, then, I don't know what you'll do with him.

Clar. I'll e'en do nothing at all with him.Flippanta.

Flip. Madam.

[Yawning.

Clar. My hood and scarf, and a coach to the door.

Flip. Why, whither are you going? Clar. I cann't tell yet, but I would go spend some money, since I have it.

Flip. Why, you want nothing, that I know of. Clar. How awkward an objection now is that, as if a woman of education bought things because she wanted 'em! Quality always distinguishes itself; and therefore, as the mechanic people buy things because they have occasion for 'em, you see women of rank always buy things because they have not occasion for 'em. Now there, Flippanta, you see the difference between a woman that has breeding, and one that has none. Oho! here's Araminta come at last.

Enter ARAMINTA.

Clar. Lard, what a tedious while you have let me expect you! I was afraid you were not well. How d'ye do to-day?

Aram. As well as a woman can do, that has not slept all night.

Flip. Methinks, madam, you are pretty well awake, however.

Aram. O, 'tis not a little thing will make a woman of my vigour look drowsy.

Clar. But, pr'ythee, what was't disturbed you? Aram. Not your husband; don't trouble your self at least; I am not in love with him yet.

Clar. Well remembered; I had quite forgot that matter. I wish you much joy: you have made a noble conquest indeed.

Aram. But now I have subdued the country, pray is it worth my keeping? You know the ground: : you have tried it."

Clar. A barren soil, Heaven can tell.

Aram. Yet if it were well cultivated, it would produce something, to my knowledge. Do you know 'tis in my power to ruin this poor thing of yours? His whole estate is at my service.

Flip. Cods-fish! strike him, madam, and let my lady go your halves. There's no sin in plundering a husband, so his wife has share of the booty. Aram. Whenever she gives me her orders, I shall be very ready to obey 'em.

Clar. Why, as odd a thing as such a project may seem, Araminta, I believe I shall have a little serious discourse with you about it. But, pr'ythee, tell me how you have passed the night; for I am sure your mind has been roving upon some pretty thing or other.

Arum. Why, I have been studying all the ways my brain could produce to plague my husband.

Clar. No wonder, indeed, you look so fresh this morning, after the satisfaction of such pleasing ideas all night.

Aram. Why, can a woman do iess than study mischief, when she has tumbled and tossed herself into a burning fever for want of sleep, and sees a fellow lie snoring by her side, stock-still, in a fine breathing sweat?

Clar. Now see the difference of women's tempers: If my dear would make but one nap of his whole life, and only waken to make his will, I should be the happiest wife in the universe. But we'll discourse more of these matters as we go, for I must make a tour among the shops.

Aram. I have a coach waits at the door: we'll talk of 'em as we rattle along.

Clar. The best place in nature; for you know a hackney-coach is a natural enemy to a husband. [Excunt CLAR. and ARAM. FLIPPANTA sola.

What a pretty little pair of amiable persons are there gone to hold a council of war together! Poor birds! What would they do with their time, if plaguing their husbands did not help 'em to employment! Well, if idleness be the root of all evil, then matrimony's good for something; for it

sets many a poor woman to work But here comes miss. I hope I shall help her into the holy state too, ere long: And when she's once there, if she don't play her part as well as the best of 'em, I'm mistaken. Ha'n't I lost the letter I'm to give her?-No, here 'tis; so, now we shall see how pure nature will work with her, for art she knows none yet.

Enter CORINNA.

Cor. What does my mother-in-law want with me, Flippanta? They tell me she was asking for

me.

Flip. She's just gone out, so I suppose 'twas no great business.

Cor. Then I'll go into my chamber again. Flip. Nay, hold a little, if you please. I have some business with you myself, of more concern than what she had to say to you.

Cor. Make haste then, for you know my father won't let me keep your company; he says, you'll spoil me.

Flip. I spoil you! He's an unworthy man, to give you such ill impressions of a woman of my honour.

Cor. Nay, never take it to heart, Flippanta, for I don't believe a word he says. But he does so plague me with his continual scolding, I'm almost weary of my life.

Flip. Why, what is't he finds fault with?

Cor. Nay, I don't know, for I never mind him; when he has babbled for two hours together, me thinks I have heard a mill going, that's all does not at all change my opinion, Flippanta: it only makes my head ache.

it

Flip. Nay, if you can bear it so, you are not to be pitied so much as I thought.

Cor. Not pitied! Why, is it not a miserable thing, such a young creature as I am should be kept in perpetual solitude, with no other company but a parcel of old fumbling masters, to teach me geography, arithmetic, philosophy, and a thousand useless things? Fine entertainment, indeed, for a young maid at sixteen! Methinks one's time might be better employed.

Flip. Those things will improve your wit. Cor. Fiddle, faddle! Ha'n't I wit enough already? My mother-in-law has learned none of this trumpery, and is not she as happy as the day is long?

Flip. Then you envy her, I find?

Cor. And well I may. Does she not do what she has a mind to, in spite of her husband's teeth?

Flip. Look you there now. [Aside.] If she has not already conceived that as the supreme blessing of life!

Cor. I'll tell you what, Flippanta; if my mother-in-law would but stand by me a little, and encourage me, and let me keep her I'd company, rebel against my father to-morrow, and throw all my books in the fire. Why, he cann't touch a groat of my portion; do you know that, Flippanta?

Flip. So- -I shall spoil her. [Aside.] Pray Heaven the girl don't debauch me.

Cor. Look you: In short, he may think what he pleases; he may think himself wise; but thoughts are free, and I may think in my turn.I'm but a girl, 'tis true, and a fool too, if you believe him; but let him know, a foolish girl may make a wise man's heart ache; so he had as good be quiet. Now it's out.

Flip. Very well, I love to see a young woman have spirit: it's a sign she'll come to something. Cor. Ah, Flippanta, if you would but encourage me, you'll find me quite another thing. I'm a devilish girl in the bottom. I wish you'd but let me make one amongst you.

Flip. That never can be, till you are married. Come, examine your strength a little. Do you think you durst venture upon a husband?

Cor. A husband! Why, a-if you would but encourage me. Come, Flippanta, be a true friend now. I'll give you advice, when I have got a little more experience. Do you in your very conscience and soul think I am old enough to be married?

Flip. Old enough! Why, you are sixteen, are you not?

Cor. Sixteen! I am sixteen, two months, and odd days, woman. I keep an exact account. Flip. The deuce you are!

Cor. Why, do you then truly and sincerely think I am old enough?

Flip. I do, upon my faith, child.

Cor. Why then, to deal as fairly with you, Flippanta, as you do with me, I have thought so any time these three years.

Flip. Now I find you have more wit than ever I thought you had; and to shew you what an opinion I have of your discretion, I'll shew you a thing I thought to have thrown in the fire.

Cor. What is it, for Jupiter's sake?

Flip. Something will make your heart chuck within you.

Cor. My dear Flippanta!

Flip. What do you think it is?

Cor. I don't know, nor I don't care, but I'm mad to have it.

Flip. It's a four-cornered thing.

Cor. What, like a cardinal's cap ? Flip. No, 'tis worth a whole conclave of 'em. How do you like it? [Shewing the letter. Cor. O lard! A letter!-Is there ever a token in it?

Flip. Yes, and a precious one too. There's a handsome young gentleman's heart.

Cor. A handsome young gentleman's heart![Aside.] Nay, then, it's time to look grave. Flip. There.

Cor. I sha'n't touch it.
Flip. What's the matter now
Cor. I sha'n't receive it.
Flip. Sure you jest.

Cor. You'll find I don't. I understand myself better than to take letters, when I don't know who they are from.

Cor. That won't serve your turn, madam. My father must have an account of this.

Flip. Sure you are not in earnest?
Cor. You'll find I am.

Flip. So, here's fine work. This 'tis to deal with girls before they come to know the distinction of sexes.

Cor. Confess who you had it from, and perhaps, for this once, I mayn't tell my father.

Flip. Why then, since it must out, 'twas the colonel. But why are you so scrupulous, madam?

Cor. Because if it had come from any body else I would not have given a farthing for it.

[Twitching it eagerly out of her hand. Flip. Ah, my dear little rogue. [Kissing her.] You frightened me out of my wits.

-um

Cor. Let me read it, let me read it, let me read it, let me read it, I say. Um, um, um—“ Cupid's” um, um, um-" Darts"-um, um, um-"Beauty". -um-"Charms"-um, um, um-" Angel" -um- "Goddess". -[Kissing the letter]▬▬um, um, um-"Trucst lover"-hum, um-" Eternal constancy"-um, um, um▬▬▬▬ “Cruel”—um, um, um—“ Racks”—um, um— "Tortures"-um, um-"Fifty daggers"-um, um Bleeding heart"-um, um-" Dead man." -Very well, a mighty civil letter, I promise you; not one smutty word in it; I'll go lock it up in my comb-box.

Fiip. Well-but what does he say to you? Cor. Not a word of news, Flippanta; 'tis all about business.

Flip. Does he not tell you he's in love with you?

Cor. Ay, but he told me that before. Flip. How so? He never spoke to you. Cor. He sent me word by his eyes. Flip. Did he so? Mighty well! I thought you had been to learn that language.

Cor. O, but you thought wrong, Flippanta. What, because I don't go a visiting, and see the world, you think I know nothing. But you shou'd consider, Flippanta, that the more one's alone, the more one thinks; and 'tis thinking that improves a girl. I'll have you to know, when I was younger than I am now, by more than I'll boast of, I thought of things would have made you stare again.

Fip. Well, since you are so well vers'd in your business, I suppose I need not inform you, that if you don't write your gallant an answer -he'll die.

Cor. Nay, now, Flippanta, I confess you tell me something I did not know before. Do you speak in serious sadness? Are men given to die, if their mistresses are sour to 'em?

Flip. Um-I cann't say they all die—No, I cann't say they all do; but, truly, I believe it wou'd go very hard with the colonel.

Cor. Lard, I would not have my hands in blood for thousands; and therefore, Flippanta-if you'll encourage me

Flip. O, by all means an answer.

Cor. Well, since you say it then, I'll e'en in and do it, tho' I protest to you, (lest you should think me too forward now,) he's the only man that wears a beard, I'd ink my fingers for. May be, if I marry him, in a year or two's time I mayn't be so nice. [Aside. [Exit CORINNA.

FLIPPANTA sola.

Now Heaven give him joy; he's like to have a rare wife o' thee. But where there's money, a man has a plaster to his sore. They have a blessed time on't, who marry for love. See!— here comes an example-Araminta's dread lord.

Enter MONEYTRAP.

Mon. Ah, Flippanta! How do you do, good Flippanta? How do you do?

Flip. Thank you, sir, well, at your service. Mon. And how does the good family, your master, and your fair mistress? Are they at home?

Flip. Neither of them; my master has been gone out these two hours, and my lady is just gone with your wife.

Mon. Well, I won't say I have lost my labour, however, as long as I have met with you, Flippanta; for I have wish'd a great while for an opportunity to talk with you a little. You won't take it amiss, if I should ask you a few questions?

Flip. Provided you leave me to my liberty in my answers. What's this cot-quean going to pry into now? [Aside. Mon. Pr'ythee, good Flippanta, how do your master and mistress live together?

Flip. Live! Why-like man and wife, generally out of humour, quarrel often, seldom agree, complain of one another; and perhaps both have reason. In short, 'tis much as 'tis at your house.

Mon. Good lack! But whose side are you generally of?

Flip. O' the right side always-my lady's. And if you'll have me give you my opinion of these matters, sir, I do not think a husband can ever be in the right.

Mon. Ha!

Fiip. Little, peeking, creeping, sneaking, stingy, covetous, cowardly, dirty, cuckoldy things. Mon. Ha!