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teize you,

Since plays are but a kind of public feasts
Where tickets only make the welcome guests;
Methinks, instead of grace, we should prepare
Your tastes in prologues, with your bill of fare.

you foreknow each course, tho' this may 'Tis five to one, but each oth' five may please

First, for your critics, we've your darling cheer,
Faults without number, more than sense can bear;
You're certain to be pleased where errors are.
From your displeasure I dare vouch we're safe,
You never frown, but where your neighbours

Now you that never know what spleen or hate is,
Who, for an act or two, are welcome gratis,
That tip the wink, and so sneak out with num-

quam satis :

For your smart tastes, we've toss'd you up a for,
We hope the newest that's of late come up;
The fool, beau, wit, and rake, so mixed he carries,
He seems a ragout, piping-hot from Paris.
But for the softer sex, whom most we'd move,
We've what the fair and chaste were formed

An artless passion fraught with hopes and fears,
And nearest happy, when it most despairs.
For masks we've scandal: and for beaux, French

To please all tastes, we'll do the best we can;
For the galleries, we've Dicky and Will Penketh-
Now, sirs, you're welcome, and you know your


pray, in charity, the founder spare, Lest you destroy, at once, the poet and the player.




CHARINO; }old Gentlemen.

Governor of Lisbon.

Don DUART, his Nephew.

Don MANUEL, a Sea Oficer, in love with Louisa. Don LEWIS, Uncle and near Friend to Carlos.

WOMEN. CARLOS, a Student, Son to Antonio.

ANGELINA, Daughter to Charino. Clodio, a pert Coxcomb, his Brother.

Louisa, a Lady of quality and pleasure. SANCHO, Servant to Carlos.

ELVIRA, Sister to Don Duart.
MONSIEUR, Vulet to Clodio.

HONORIA, Cousin to Louisa.
Priests, Officers, and Servants.


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Two comic actors who lived at the time this play was written,


SCENE I.-A Hall.

Enter a Servant.

Ser. 'Tis Sancho, sir, with a waggon-load of

my master's books. Ant. Without compliment, my old friend, I

Cha. What, does he always travel with his shall think myself much honoured in your al- whole study? liance; our fainilies are both ancient; our chil

Ant. Never without them, sir ; 'uis his humour. dren young, and able to support them; and, I think, the sooner we set them to work the better.

Enter Sancho, laden with books. Cha. Sir, you offer fair and nobly, and shall

Sun. Pedro, unload part of the library; bid find I dare meet you in the same line of honour: and, I hope, since I have but one girl in the for t'other dozen of carts; I'll be with you pre

the porter open the great gates, and make room world, you won't think me a troublesome old sently. fool, if I endeavour to bestow her to her worth;

Ant. Ha! Sancho! where's my Carlos ?-therefore, if you please, before we shake hands, Speak, boy, where didst thou leave thy master ? a word or two by the by; for I have some con

San. Jogging on, sir, in the highway to know. siderable questions to ask you.

ledge, both hands employed in his book and his Ant. Ask them.

bridle, sir; but he has sent his duty before hiin Cha. Well, in the first place, you say you have in this letter, sir. two sons ?

Ant. What have we here, pothooks and andAnt. Exactly

irons ? Cha. And you are willing that one of them

San. Potbooks! Oh, dear sir !

I beg your shally marry my daughter?

pardon-No, sir, this is Arabic ; 'tis to the Ant. Willing.

Lord Abbot, concerning the translation, sir, of Cha. My daughter Angelina ?

human bodies a new way of getting out of Ant. Angelina.

the world - There's a terrible wise man has Cha. And you are likewise content that the written a very smart book of it. said Angelina shall survey them both, and (with

Cha. Pray, friend, what will that same book my allowance) take to her lawful husband which teach a man? of them she pleases ?

San. Teach you, sir! Why, to play a trump Ant. Content. Cha. And you farther promise, that the person devil.

upon death, and shew yourself a match for the by her (and me) so chosen (be it elder or younger) Cha. Strange! shall be your sole heir ; that is to say, shall be San. Here, sir, this is your letter. [To Ant. in a conditional possession of at least three parts Cha. Pray, sir, what sort of life may your masof your estate. You know the conditions, and

ter lead ? this you positively promise ?

San. Life, sir! No prince fares like him ; he Ant. To perform.

breaks his fast with Aristotle, dines with Tully, Cha. Why, then, as the last token of my full drinks tea at Helicon, sups with Seneca, then consent and approbation, I give you my hand.

walks a turn or two in the milky-way, and, after Ant. There's mine.

six hours conference with the stars, sleeps with Cha. Is't a match ?

old Erra Pater. Ant. A match.

Cha. Wonderful ! Cha. Done.

Ant. So, Carlos will be here presently, Ant. Done.

Here, take the knave in, and let him eat. Cha. And done that's enough Carlos,

Sun. And drink too, sir ? the elder, you say, is a great scholar, spends his Ant. And drink too, sir-and pray see your whole life in the university, and loves his study? | master's chamber ready. [Knocking again.)Ant. Nothing more, sir.

Well, sir, who's at the gate ? Cha. But Clodio, the younger, has seen the world, and is very well known in the court of

Enter a Servant. France; a sprightly fellow, ha?

Serv. Monsieur, sir, from my young master Ant. Mettle to the back, sir.

Clodio. Chu. Well, how far either of them may go

Enter MONSIEUR. with my daughter ,I cann't tell ; she'll be easily pleased where I am

-I have given her some Ant. Well, Monsieur, what says your master? documents already. Hark! what noise without? When will he be here?

Ant. Odso! 'Tis they—they're come- -I Mons. Sire, he vill be here in de less time dan have expected them these two hours. Well, von quarter of de hour; he is not quite tirty sirrah, who's without?

mile off.


Ant. And what came you before for? make a coward fight-Aha! sa, sa! ha! ripMons. Sire, me come to provide de pulville, ha! there I had him.

(Fencing and de essence for his peruque, dat he may ap- Cur. Take heed; you'll cut my clothes, brother. proche to your vorshipe vid de reverence and de Clo. Cut 'em! Ha, ha !--no, no, they are cut belle air.

already, brother, to the grammar rules exactly. Ant. What, is he unprovided, then ? Psha! pr’ythee, man, leave off this college-air..

Mons. Sire, he vas enragé, and did break his Car. No, brother, I think it wholesome; the bottel d'orangerie, because it vas not de same dat soil and situation pleasant. is prepare for Monseigneur le Dauphin.

Clo. A put, by Jupiter ! He don't know the Ant. Well, sir, if you'll go to the butler, he'll air of a gentleman from the air of the country help you to some oil for his periwig.

-Sir, I mean the air of your clothes ; I wonld Alons. Sire, me tank you. (Exit Mons. have you change your tailor, and dress a little Cha. A very notable spark, this Clodio. Ha ! more en cavalier: lay by your book, and take out what noise is that without ?

your snuff-box; cock, and look smart, ha!

Cha. Faith, a pretty fellow.
Enter a Servant.

Cur. I read no use in this, brother; and for Ser. Sir, my young masters are both come. my clothes, the half of what I wear already seems

Ant. That's well! Now, sir, now! now ob- to me superfluous. What need I outward ornaserve their several dispositions.

ments, when I can deck myself with understand

ing? Why should we care for any thing but knowEnter CARLOS.

ledge? Or look upon the follies of mankind, but Car. My father ! sir, your blessing.

to condemn or pity those that seek them? Ant. Thou hast it, Carlos; and now, pray

(Reuds again. know this gentleman, Charino, sir, my old friend, Clo. Stark mad, split me! and one in whom you may have a particular in- Cha. Psha! this fellow will never doterest.

has no soul in him. Cur. I'll study to deserve his love, sir.

Clo. Hark you, brother, what do you think of Cha. Sir, as for that matter, you need not a pretty, plump wench now? study at all.

[They salute. Car. I seldom think that way: women are Clo. [Within.] Hey! La Valiere ! bid the books I have not read yet. groom take care our hunters be well rubbed and Clo. Gad, I could set you a sweet lesson, broclothed; they're hot, and have outstripped the ther. wind.

Car. I am as well here, sir.

[Reads. Cha. Ay, marry, sir, there's mettle in this Cha. Good for no earthly thing--a stock

Ah, that Clody!

Clo. Where's my father?

Mons. Sire, here be de several sort of de jesAnt. Ha, my dear Clody, thou’rt welcome! samine d'orangerie vidout, if you please to make

Clo. Sir, being my father's friend, I am your your choice. most obliged, faithful, humble servant. [TO ČHA. Clo. Mum.-Sir, I must beg pardon for a mo

Cha. Sir-1-I like you. (Eagerly. ment; a most important business calls me aside, Clo. Thy hand.

which I will dispatch with all imaginable celerity, Cha. Faith, thou art a pretty-humoured fellow. and return to the repetition of my desire to conClo. Who's that? Pray, sir, who's that? tinue, sir, your most obliged, and faithful humAnt. Your brother, Clody,

ble servant.

(Exit Clo. bowing. Clo. Odso! I beg his pardon with all my heart Cha. Faith, he's a pretty fellow. -Ha, ha, ha! Did ever mortal see such a book- Ant. Now, sir, if you please, since we have worm !-Brother, how is't? (Carelessly. got the other alone, we'll put the matter a little

Car. I'm glad you are well, brother. [Reads. closer to him.

Clo. What, does he draw his book upon me? Cha. 'Tis to little purpose, I'm afraid : but Then I will draw my wit upon him-Gad, I'll use your pleasure, sir. puzzle him-Alark you, brother; pray, what's

Cur. Plato differs from Socrates in this. latin for a sword-knot ?

To himself. Car. The Romans wore none, brother.

Ant. Come, come, pr’ythee, Charles, lay them Clo. No ornament upon their swords, sir? by, let them agree at leisure What, no hour

Car. Oh, yes, several : conquest, peace, and of interruption ? honour-an old unfashionable wear.

Car. Man's life, sir, being so short, and then Clo. Sir, no man in France (I may as well say the way that leads us to the knowledge of our. breathing ; for not to live there, is not to breathe) selves so hard and tedious, each minute should wears a more fashionable sword than I do; he be precious. cost me fifteen louis d'ors in Paris-There, sir, Ant. Ay, but to thrive in this world, Charles, -feel him—try him, sir.

you must part a little with this bookish contemCar. I have no skill, sir.

plation, and prepare yourself for action. If you Clo. No skill, sir ! Wby, this sword would will study, let it be to know what part of my

Foung fellow.

land's fit for the plough ; what for pasture; to the old sages and philosophers, sometimes the buy and sell my stock to the best advantage; and greatest kings and heroes, whose counsels I have

2 cure my cattle when they are overgrown with la- leave to weigh, and call their victories, if unjustbour. 'This, now, would turn to some account. ly got, unto a strict account, and, in my fancy,

Car. This, sir, may be done from what I've dare deface their ill-placed statues. Can I then read; for, what concerns tillage, who can better part with solid, constant pleasures, to clasp undeliver it than Virgil in his Georgics? And, for certain vanities? No, sir, be it your care to the curc of herds, his Bucolics are a master- swell your heap of wealth; marry my brother, piece; but when his art describes the common- and let him get you bodies of your name; I ra. wealth of bees, their industry, their more than ther would inform it with a soul.. I tire you, sir human knowledge of the herbs from which they --your pardon and your leave. Lights there gather honey ; their laws, their government for my study.

(Erit CARLOS. among themselves, their order in going forth, Ant. Was ever man thus transported from and coming laden home, their strict obedience to the common sense of his own happiness! a stutheir king, his just rewards to such as labour, his pid wise rogue! I could beat him. Now, if it punishment, inflicted only on the slothful drone; were not for my hopes in young Clody, I might I'm ravished with it: then reap, indeed, my har- fairly conclude my name were at a period. vest, receive the grain my cattle bring me, and Cha. Ay, ay, he's the match for iny money, there find wax and honey.

and my girl's too, I warrant her. What say you, Ant.! Georges, and Blue-sticks, and sir, shall we tell them a piece of our mind, and bees-wax! What, art thou mad?

turn them together instantly? Cha. Raving, raving !

Ant. This minute, sir; and here comes my Car. No, sir, the knowledge of this guards me young rogue, in the very nick of his fortune. from it. Ant. But can you find, amongst all your musty

Enter CLODIO. manuscripts, what pleasure he enjoys, that lies in Clody, a word the arms of a young, rich, well-shaped, healthy Clo. To the wise is enough. Your pleasure, bride? Answer me that, ha, sir !

sir ? Car. 'Tis frequent, sir, in story; there I read Ant. In the mean time, sir, if you please to of all kinds of virtuous and of vicious women ; send your daughter notice of our intended visit. the ancient Spartan dames, the Roman ladies,

(T. CHIARINO. their beauties, their deformities; and when i Cha. I'll do it-hark


friendlight upon a Portia, or a Cornelia, crowned with

[Whispers a servant. ever-blooming truth and virtue, with such a feeling I peruse their fortunes, as if I then had lived,

Enter SANCHO behind. and tasted of their lawful, envied love. But when San. I doubt my master has found but rough I meet a Messalina, tired and unsated in her welcome; he's gone supperless into his study; foul desires ; a Clytemnestra, bathed in her hus- l’d fain know the reason-it may be, somebody band's blood; an impious Tullia, whirling her has borrowed one of his books, or som I must chariot over her father's breathless body, horror find it out.

(Stands aside. invades my faculties. Comparing, then, the nu- Clo. Sir, you could not have started any thing merous guilty, with the easy count of those that

more agreeable to my inclination; and for the die in innocence, I detest and loath them as ig- young lady's, sir, if this old gentleman will please norance, or atheism.

to give me a sight of her, you shall see me whip Ant. And you do resolve, then, not to make into her’s, in the cutting of a caper. payment of the debt you owe me?

Cha. Well, pursue and conquer; though, let Car. What debt, good sir?

me tell you, sir, my girl has wit, and will give Ant. Why, the debt I paid my father, when I you as good as you bring; she has a smart way, got you, sir, and made him a grandsire; which I sir. expect from you. I won't have my name die. Clo. Sir, I will be as smart as she; I have my

Car. Nor would l; my laboured studies, sir, share of courage; I fear no woman alive, sir, luamay prove in time a living issue.

ving always found that love and assurance ought Ant. Very well, sir : and so I shall have a ge- to be as inseparal companions as a beau and a neral collection of all the quiddits, from Adam snuff-box, or a curate and a tobacco-stopper. till this time, to be my grandchild.

Cha. Faith, thou art a pleasant rogue ! 'Egad Car. I'll take my best care, sir, that what I she must like thee. leave, mayn't shame the family.

Clo. I know how to tickle the ladies, sirin Cha. A sad fellow, this! this is a very sad Paris, I had constantly two challenges every fellow!

Aside. morning came up with my chocolate, only for Ant. So, in short, you would not marry an being pleasant company the night before with empress?

the first ladies of quality. Car. Give me leave to enjoy myself. The Chu. Ah, silly envious rogues! Pr’ythee, what closet, that contains my chosen books, to me's a do


do to the ladies ? glorious court; my venerable companions there, Sun. Positively, nothing.



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Clo. Why, the truth is, I did make the jades Clo. 'Egad, sir, I have a cure for the spleen. drink a little too smartly; for which the poor Ah, ha! I know how to wriggle myself into a dogs, the princes, could not endure me. lady's favour-give me leave when you please,

Cha. Why, hast thou really conversed with sir. the royal family?

Cha. Sir, you shall have it this momentClo: Conversed with them! ay, rot them ! faith, 1 like him-you remember the conditions, ay, ay-You must know, some of them came sir, three parts of your estate to him and his with me half a day's journey, to see me a little heirs ? on my way hither: but 'egad, I sent young Louis Ant. Sir, he deserves it all; 'tis not a trifle back again to Marli, as drunk as a tinker, by shall part them. You see Charles has given over Jove! Ha, ha, ha! I cann't but laugh to think the world: I'll undertake to buy his birth-right kow old Monarchy growled at him next morning for a shelf of new books.

Cha. Gad-a-mercy, boy! Well, and I warrant Cha. Ay, ay; get you the writings ready, thou wert as intimate with their ladies, too? with your other son's hand to them; for, unless

Sun. Just alike, I dare answer for him. (Aside. he signs, the conveyance is of no validity.

Clo. Why, you shall judge now, you shall Ant. I know it, sir—they shall be ready with
judge let me see-there was I and Monsieur his hand in two hours.
no, no, no! Monsieur did not sup with us Cha. Why, then, come along, my lad; and
there was I and prince Grandmont, Duke de now I'll show thee to my daughter.
Bongrace-duke De Bellegrade--(Bellegrade- Clo. I dare be shown, sir-Allons ! Hey, sui-
yes yes Jack was there) Count de l'Esprit, vons l'amour. (Exeunt all but Sancho.
Marshal Bombard, and that pleasant dog, the San. How! my poor master to be disinherited,
Prince de Hautenbas. We six, now, were all at for monsieur Sa-sa, there, and I a looker-on too!
supper, all in good humour; champaigne was the If we have studied our majors and our minors,
word, and wit flew about the room like a pack our antecedents and consequents, to be conclu.
of losing cards-now, sir, in madame's adjacent ded coxcombs at last, we have made a fair hand
lodgings, there happened to be the self-same on't. I'm glad I know of this roguery, however.
number of ladies, after the fatigue of a ballet, I'll take care my master's uncle, old Don Lewis,
diverting themselves with ratifia and the spleen; shall hear of it; for, though he can hardly read
so dull, they were not able to talk, though it were a proclamation, yet he dotes upon his learning ;
scandalously, even of their best friends. So, sir, and if he be that old, rough, testy blade he used
after a profound silence, at last one of them to be, we may chance to have a rubber with
gaped-Oh, gad ! says she, would that pleasant them first—here he comes, profecto.
dog, Clody, were here, to badiner a little ! hey!
says a second, and stretched-Ah, mon dieu !

Enter Don LEWIS.
says a third, and waked-Could notone find him?
says a fourth, and leered-Oh, burn him, says a

D. Lew. Sancho, where's my boy Charles ? fifth, I saw him go out with the nasty rakes of the What, is he at it? Is he at it? Deep-deep-I

warrant him-Sancho-a little peep now-one blood again-in a pet-did you so ? says a sixth. Pardie! we'll spoil that gang presently in a

peep at him, through the key-hole- I must have passion. Whereupon, sir, in two minutes, I re

a peep. ceived a billet in four words—Chien, nous vous

San. Have a care, sir, he's upon a magical demandons;' subscribed, Grandmont, Bongrace,

point. Bellegrade, L'Esprit, Bombard, and Hautenbas.

D. Lew. What, has he lost any thing?

San. Yes, sir, he has lost, with a vengeance. Cha. Why, these are the very names of the

D. Lew. But what, what, what, what, sirrah ! princes you supped with.

what is't? Clo. Every soul of them the individual wife or sister of every man in the company, split me!

Sun. Why, his birth-right, sir; he is di-di

dis-disinherited. ha, ha, ha!


D. Lew, Ha! how! when! what! where! Cha. Ant. Ha, ha !

who! what dost thou mean? San. Did ever two old gudgeons swallow so

San. His brother, sir, is to marry Angelina, greedily!


the Ant. Well, and didst thou make a night on't, ther's estate ; and my master is to have a whole

great heiress, to enjoy three parts of his faboy? Clo. Yes, 'egad, and morning too, sir ; for

acre of new books, for setting his hand to the about eight o'clock the next day, slap they all

conveyance. soused upon their knees, kissed round, burned have it a lie.

D. Lew. This must be a lie, sirrah; I will their commodes, drank my health, broke their

San. With all my heart, sir ; but here comes glasses, and so parted.

Ant. Gad-a-mercy, Clody! Nay, 'twas always my old master, and the pick-pocket the lawyer : a wild young rogue !

they'll tell

you more. Cha. I like him the better for't-he's a plea- Enter ANTONIO and a Lawyer. sant one, I'm sure. Ant. Well, the rogue gives him a rare account


Ant. Here, sir, this paper has your full inof his travels,

structions : pray, be speedy, sir; I don't kyoy

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