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THE

CARELESS HUSBAND.

BY

CIBEER.

PROLOGUE.

Of all the various vices of the age,
And shoals of fools exposed upon the stage,
How few are lasht that call for satire's rage!
What can you think to see our plays so full
Of madmen, coxcombs, and the drivelling fool?
Of cits, of sharpers, rakes and roaring bullies,
Of cheats, of cuckolds, aldermen and cullies?
Would not one swear, 'twere taken for a rule,
That satire's rod, in the dramatic school,
Was only meant for the incorrigible fool?
As if too vice and folly were confined
To the vile scum alone of human kind,
Creatures a muse should scorn; such abject

trash

Deserves not satire's, but the hangman's lash.
Wretches, so far shut out from sense of shame,
Newgate or Bedlam only should reclaim;
For satire ne'er was meant to make wild monsters
tame.

No, sirs

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ACT I.

SCENE I-Sir CHARLES EASY's Lodgings.

Enter Lady EASY.

Lady Easy. Was ever woman's spirit, by an injurious husband, broke like mine? A vile licentious man! must he bring home his follies, too? Wrong me with my very servant! O! how tedious a relief is patience! and yet, in my condition, 'tis the only remedy: for to reproach him with my wrongs, is taking on myself the means of a redress, bidding defiance to his falsehood, and naturally but provokes him to undo me. The uneasy thought of my continual jealousy may teaze him to a fixed aversion; and hitherto, though he neglects, I cannot think he hates me. It must be so: since I want power to please him, he never shall upbraid me with an attempt of making him uneasy-My eyes and tongue shall yet be blind and silent to my wrongs; nor would I have him think my virtue could suspect him, till, by some gross, apparent proof of his misdoing, he forces me to see-and to forgive it.

Enter EDGING, hastily.

Edg. O madam!

Lady Easy. What's the matter?

Edg I have the strangest thing to shew your ladyship such a discovery

down, after he came in from hunting, he sent me into his dressing-room, to fetch his snuff-box out of his waistcoat pocket; and so, as I was searching for the box, madam, there I found this wicked letter from a mistress; which I had no sooner read, but, I declare it, my very blood rose at him again; methought I could have torn him and her to pieces.

Lady Easy. Intolerable! This odious thing's jealous of him herself, and wants me to join with her in a revenge upon him-Sure I am fallen, indeed! But 'twere to make me lower yet, to let her think I understand her. [Aside.

Edg. Nay, pray, madam, read it; you will be out of patience at it.

Lady Easy. You are bold, mistress; has my indulgence, or your master's good humour, flattered you into the assurance of reading his letters? a liberty I never gave myself-Here-lay it where you had it immediately-Should he know of your sauciness, 'twould not be my favour could protect you. [Exit Lady EASY.

Edg. Your favour! marry come up! sure I don't depend upon your favour! It's not come to that, I hope. Poor creature!-don't you think I am my master's mistress for nothing. You shall find, madam, I won't be snapt up as I have been-Not but it vexes me to think she should not be as uneasy as I. I am sure he is a

jot.

Lady Easy. You are resolved to make it with-base man to me, and I could cry my eyes out out much ceremony, I find. What's the business, that she should not think him as bad to her every pray? If I am wronged, sure she may very well Edg. The business, madam! I have not pa- expect it, that is but his wife-A conceited thing tience to tell you; I am out of breath at the very-she need not be so easy, neither-I am as handthoughts on't; I shall not be able to speak this some as she, I hope-Here's my master-I'll half hour. try whether I am to be huffed by her or no.

Lady Easy. Not to the purpose, I believe! but, methinks, you talk impertinently with a great deal of ease.

Edg. Nay, madam, perhaps not so impertinent as your ladyship thinks; there is that will speak to the purpose, I am sure-A base man

[Gives a letter. Lady Easy. What is this? An open letter! Whence comes it?

Edg. Nay, read it, madam; you will soon guess-If these are the tricks of husbands, keep ine a maid still, say I.

Lady Easy. [Looking on the superscription.] To Sir Charles Easy! Ha! Too well I know this hateful hand. Ő my heart! but I must veil my jealousy, which 'tis not fit this creature should suppose I am acquainted with. [Aside.] This direction is to your master; how came you by it?

Edg. Why, madam, as my master was lying

[Walks behind.

Enter Sir CHARLES EASY.

Sir Cha. So! The day is come again!-Life but rises to another stage, and the same dull journey is before us. How like children do we judge of happiness! When I was stinted in my fortune, almost every thing was a pleasure to me, because most things then being out of my reach, I had always the pleasure of hoping for them; now fortune's in my hand, she is as insipid as an old acquaintance-It is mighty silly faith! Just the same thing by my wife, too; I am told she is extremely handsonie-nay, and have heard a great many people say, she is certainly the best woman in the world-Why, I don't know but she may; yet I could never find that her person or good qualities gave me any concern. In my eye the woman has no more charms than my mother.

Edg. Hum! he takes no notice of me yet

I'll let him see I can take as little notice of him. [She walks by him gravely; he turns her about und holds her; she struggles.] Pray, sir!

Sir Cha. A pretty pert air, that-I'll humour it-What's the matter, child? Are not you well? Kiss me, hussy.

Edg. No, the deuce fetch me if I do!

Sir Cha. Has any thing put thee out of humour, love?

Edg. No, sir, 'tis not worth my being out of humour at-though, if ever you have any thing to say to me again, I'll be burned.

Sir Cha. Somebody has belied me to thec. Edg. No, sir, 'tis you have belied yourself to me-Did not I ask you, when you first made a fool of me, if you would be always constant to me? and did not you say I might be sure you would? And here, instead of that, you are going on in your old intrigue with my lady Graveairs. Sir Cha. So

Edg. Beside, don't you suffer my lady to huff me every day as if I were her dog, or had no more concern with you-I declare I won't bear it, and she sha'n't think to huff me-for aught I know, I am as agreeable as she: and though she dares not take any notice of your baseness to her, you sha'n't think to use me so-and so, pray, take your nasty letter-I know the hand well enough-for my part, I won't stay in the family to be abused at this rate; I that have refused lords and dukes for your sake. I'd have you to know, sir, I have had as many blue and green ribbons after me, for aught I know, as would have made me a falbala apron.

Sir Cha. My lady Graveairs! iny nasty letter! and I won't stay in the family! Death! I'm in a pretty condition !—What an unlimited privilege has this jade got from being a whore!

Edg. I suppose, sir, you think to use every body as you do your wife.

Sir Cha. My wife! hah! Come hither, Mrs Edging; hark you, drab.

Edg. Oh!

[Seizing her by the shoulder.

Sir Chu. When you speak of my wife, you are to say your lady, and you are never to speak of your lady to me in any regard of her being my wife-for, look you, child, you are not her strumpet, but mine; therefore, I only give you leave to be saucy with me. In the next place, you are never to suppose there is any such person as my lady Graveairs; and lastly, my pretty one, how came you by this letter?

Edg. It's no matter, perhaps.

Sir Cha. Ay, but if you should not tell me quickly, how are you sure I won't take a great piece of flesh out of your shoulder, my dear? [Shakes her. Edg. O lud! O lud! I will tell you, sir. Sir Cha. Quickly then. Edg. Oh! I took it out of your pocket, sir. Sir Cha. When?

Edg. Oh! this morning, when you sent me for our snuff-box.

VOL. III,

Sir Cha. And your ladyship's pretty curiosity has looked it over, I presume-ha?

[Shakes her again. Edg. O lud! dear sir, don't be angry—indeed I'll never touch one again.

Sir Cha. I don't believe you will, and I'll tell you how you shall be sure you never will. Edg. Yes, sir.

Edg. Yes, sir.

Sir Cha. By stedfastly believing, that the next time you offer it, you will have your pretty white neck twisted behind you. [Curt'sying. Sir Cha. And you will be sure to remember every thing I have said to you? Edg. Yes, sir.

Sir Cha. And now, child, I was not angry with your person, but your follies; which, since I find you are a little sensible of-don't be wholly discouraged for I believe I-I shall have occasion for you again

Edg. Yes, sir.

Sir Cha. In the mean time, let me hear no more of your lady, child.

Edg. No, sir.

Sir Cha. Here she comes: be gone!

Edg. Yes, sir-Oh! I was never so frightened in my life.

[Exit.

Sir Cha. So! good discipline makes good soldiers- -It often puzzles me to think, from my own carelessness, and my wife's continual good humour, whether she really knows any thing of the strength of my forces-I'll sift her a little.

Enter Lady EASY.

My dear, how do you do? You are dressed very early to-day: are you going out?

Lady Easy. Only to church, my dear.
Sir Cha. Is it so late, then?

Lady Easy. The bell has just rung.

Sir Cha. Well, child, how does Windsor air agree with you? Do you find yourself any better yet? or have you a mind to go to London again?

Lady Easy. No, indeed, my dear; the air is so very pleasant, that if it were a place of less company, I could be content to end my days here.

Sir Cha Pythee, my dear, what sort of company would most please you?

Lady Easy. When business would permit it, yours; and, in your absence, a sincere friend, that were truly happy in an honest husband, to sit a cheerful hour, and talk in mutual praise of our condition.

Sir Cha. Are you then really very happy, my dear?

Lady Easy. Why should you question it? [Smiling on him, Sir Cha. Because I fancy I am not so good to you as I should be.

Lady Eusy. Pshaw !

Sir Cha. Nay, the deuce take me if I don't really confess myself so bad, that I have often wondered how any woman of your sense, rank, and person, could think it worth her while to have so many useless' good qualities.

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Lady Easy. Fie, my dear!

Sir Cha. By my soul, I am serious! Lady Easy. I cannot boast of my good qualities, nor, if I could, do I believe you think them useless.

Sir Cha. Nay, I submit to you-Don't you find them so? Do you perceive that I am one tittle the better husband for your being so good a wife? Lady Easy. Pshaw! you jest with me. Sir Cha. Upon my life I don't-Tell me truly, was you never jealous of me?

Lady Easy. Did I ever give you any sign of it? Sir Cha. Um-that's true-but do you really think I never gave you occasion?

Lady Easy. That's an odd question-but suppose you had?

Sir Cha. Why then, what good has your virtue done you, since all the good qualities of it could not keep me to yourself?

Lady Easy. What occasion have you given me to suppose I have not kept you to myself?

Sir Cha. I given you occasion-Fie! My dear -you may be sure-I-look you, that is not the thing, but still a-(death! what a blunder have I made?)—a—still, I say, madam, you sha'n't make me believe you have never been jealous of me; not that you ever had any real cause, but I know women of your principles have more pride than those that have no principles at all; and where there is pride, there must be some jealousyso that, if you are jealous, my dear, you know you wrong me, and

Lady Easy. Why then, upon my word, my dear, I don't know that ever I wronged you that way in my life.

Sir Cha. But suppose I had given a real cause to be jealous, how would you do then?

Lady Easy. It must be a very substantial one that makes me jealous.

Sir Cha. Say it were a substantial one; suppose, now, I were well with a woman of your own acquaintance, that, under pretence of frequent visits to you, should only come to carry on an affair with me-suppose, now, my lady Graveairs and I were great?

Lady Easy. Would I could not suppose it!

[Aside. Sir Cha. If I come off here, I believe I am pretty safe. [Aside.]-Suppose, I say, my lady Graveairs and I were so very familiar, that not only yourself, but half the town should see it?

Lady Easy. Then I should cry myself sick in some dark closet, and forget my tears when you spoke kindly to me.

Sir Cha. The most convenient piece of virtue, sure, that ever wife was mistress of. [Aside. Lady Easy. But pray, my dear, did you ever think that I had any ill thoughts of my lady Graveairs?

Sir Chu. O fie, child! only you know she and I used to be a little free sometimes; so I had a mind to see if you thought there was any harm in it; but since I find you so very easy, I think myself obliged to tell you, that, upon my soul, my dear, I have so little regard to her person, that the

deuce take me, if I would not as soon have an affair with thy woman.

Lady Easy. Indeed, my dear, I should as soon suspect you with one as t'other.

Sir Cha. Poor dear-shouldst thou-give me a kiss.

Lady Easy. Pshaw! you don't care to kiss me. Sir Cha. By my soul, I do !—I wish I may die, if I don't think you a very fine woman!

Lady Easy. I only wish you would think me a good wife. [Kisses her.] But pray, my dear, what has made you so strangely inquisitive?

Sir Cha. Inquisitive!-Why-a-I don't know; one is always saying one foolish thing or another -Toll le roll! [Sings and talks.] My dear, what! are we never to have any ball here! Toll le roll! I fancy I could recover my dancing again, if I would but practise. Toll loll loll!

Lady Easy. This excess of carelessness to me excuses half his vices. If I can make him once think seriously-Time yet may be my friend.

Enter a Servant.

[Aside.

Serv. Sir, Lord Morelove gives his serviceSir Cha, Lord Morelove? where is he?Serv. At the Chocolate-house; he called me to him as I went by, and bid me tell your honour he'll wait upon you presently.

Lady Easy. I thought you had not expected him here again this season, my dear.

Sir Cha. I thought so, too; but you see there's no depending upon the resolution of a man that's in love.

Lady Easy. Is there a chair? Serv. Yes, madam. [Exit Servant. Lady Easy. I suppose Lady Betty Modish has drawn him hither.

Sir Cha. Ay, poor soul, for all his bravery, I am afraid so.

Lady Easy. Well, my dear, I ha'n't time to ask my lord how he does now; you'll excuse me to hiin, but I hope you'll make him dine with us.

Sir Cha. I'll ask him. If you see Lady Betty at prayers, make her dine, too: but don't take any notice of my lord's being in town.

Lady Easy. Very well! if I should not meet her there, I'll call at her lodgings.

Sir Cha. Do so.

Lady Eusy. My dear, your servant.

[Erit Lady EASY. Sir Cha. My dear, I'm yours.- -Well! one way or other, this woman will certainly bring about her business with me at last; for though she cannot make me happy in her own person, she lets me be so intolerably easy with the wo men that can, that she has at least brought me into a fair way of being as weary of them, too.

Enter Servant and Lord MORELOVE. Serv. Sir, my lord's come.

Ld More. Dear Charles!

Sir Cha. My dear lord! this is an happiness undreamt of; I little thought to have seen you at Windsor again this season! I concluded, of

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Sir Cha. Only because you should not go on with your story: if you did but see how silly a man fumbles for an excuse, when he is a little ashamed of being in love, you would not wonder what I laugh at; ha, ha, ha!

Ld More. Thou art a very happy fellownothing touches thee-always easy-Then you conclude I follow Lady Betty again?

ter sport, too.

Sir Cha. Yes, faith do I: and to make you casy, my lord, I cannot see why a man, that can ride fifty miles after a poor stag, should be ashamed of running twenty in chase of a fine woman, that, in all probability, will show him so much the bet[Embracing. Ld More. Dear Charles, don't flatter my distemper; I own I still follow her: do you think her charms have power to excuse me to the world? Sir Cha. Ay! ay! a fine woman's an excuse for any thing, and the scandal of our being in jest, is a jest itself; we are all forced to be their fools before we can be their favourites.

Ld More. You are willing to give me hope; but I cann't believe she has the least degree of inclination for me.

Sir Cha. I don't know that-I am sure her pride likes you, and that's generally your fine ladies' darling passion.

LA More. Do you suppose, if I could grow indifferent, it would touch her?

Sir Cha. Sting her to the hearttake my advice?

-Will you

Ld More. I have no relief but that. Had I not thee now and then to talk an hour, my life were insupportable.

Sir Cha. I am sorry for that, my lord;-but mind what I say to you--but hold, first let me know the particulars of your quarrel with her.

Ld More. Why-about three weeks ago, when I was last here at Windsor, she had for some days treated me with a little more reserve, and another with more freedom, than I found myself

easy at.

Sir Cha. Who was that other?

Ld More. One of my lord Foppington's gang -the pert coxcomb that's just come to a small estate and a great periwig-he that sings himself among the women- What do you call him?

-He won't speak to a commoner when a lord is in company- -you always see him with a cane dangling at his button, his breast open, no gloves, one eye tucked under his hat, and a tooth-pick -Startup, that's his name.

Sir Cha. O! I have met him in a visit--but pray go on.

Ld More. So, disputing with her about the conduct of women, I took the liberty to tell her how far I thought she erred in hers. She told me

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I was rude, and that she would never believe any man could love a woman, that thought her in the wrong in any thing she had a mind to, at least if he dared to tell her so. This provoked me into her whole character, with so much spirit and civil malice, as I have seen her bestow upon a woman of true beauty, when the men first toasted her; so, in the middle of my wisdom, she told me, she desired to be alone, that I would take my odious proud heart along with me, and trouble her no more- -I-bowed very low, and, as I left the room, vowed I never would, and that my proud heart should never be humbled by the outside of a fine woman-About an hour after, I whipped into my chaise for London, and have never seen her since.

Sir Cha. Very well; and how did you find your proud heart by that time you got to Houn slow?

Ld More. I am almost ashamed to tell youI found her so much in the right, that I cursed my pride for contradicting her at all, and began to think, according to her maxim, that no woman could be in the wrong to a man that she had in her power.

Sir Chu. Ha, ha! Well, I'll tell you what you shall do. You can see her without trembling, I hope?

Ld More. Not if she receives me well.

Sir Cha. If she receives you well, you will have no occasion for what I am going to say to you-first you shall dine with her.

Ld More. How? where? when?

Sir Cha. Here! here! at two o'clock.
Ld More. Dear Charles!

Sir Cha. My wife is gone to invite her; when you see her first, be neither too humble, nor too stubborn; let her see, by the ease in your behaviour, you are still pleased in being near her, while she is upon reasonable terms with you. This will either open the door of an eclaircissement, or quite shut it against you——and if she is still resolved to keep you out

Ld More. Nay, if she insults me, then, perhaps, I may recover pride enough to rally her by an overacted submission.

Sir Cha. Why, you improve, my lord! this is the very thing I was going to propose to you. Ld More. Was it, faith! hark you, dare you stand by me?

Sir Chu. Dare I! ay, to my last drop of assu rance, against all the insolent airs of the proudest beauty in Christendom.

Ld More. Nay, then, defiance to her- We two -Thou hast inspired me-I find myself as vali ant as a flattered coward.

Sir Cha. Courage, my lord; I'll warrant we beat her.

Ld More. My blood stirs at the very thought on't: I long to be engaged.

Sir Cha. She will certainly give ground, when she once sees you are thoroughly provoked. Ld More. Dear Charles, thou art a friend indeed!

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