Page images
PDF
EPUB

corner.

sick: only sick did I say? There are some who even think proper to die! Yes, by the head of Con. fucius, they die; though they might have purchased the health-restoring specific for half a crown at every

I can never enough admire the sagaci ty of this country, for the encouragement given to the professors of this art: with what indulgence does she foster up those of her own growth, and kindly cherish those that come from abroad! Like a skilful gardener, she invites them from every foreign climate to herself. Here every great exotic strikes root as soon as imported, and feels the genial beam of favour; while the mighty metropolis, like one vast munificent dunghill, receives them indiscriminately to her breast, and supplies each with more than native nourishment.

In other countries, the physician pretends to cure disorders in the lump; the same doctor who combats the gout in the toe, shall pretend to prescribe for a pain in the head; and he who at one time cures a. consumption, shall at another give drugs for a drops How absurd and ridiculous! this is being a mere jack of all trades. Is the animal machine less complicated than a brass pin ? Not less than ten different hands are required to make a brass pin; and shall the body be set right by one single operator ?

The English are sensible of the force of this reasoning; they have therefore one doctor for the eyes, another for the toes; they have their sciatica doctors, and inoculating doctors; they have one doctor who is mod. estly content with securing them from bug-bites, and five hundred who prescribe for the bite of mad dogs.

But as nothing pleasescuriosity more than anecdotes of the great, however minute or trifling, I must present you, inadequate as my abilities are to the subject, with anaccount of one or two of those personageswho... lead in this honourable profession.

The first upon the list of glory, is doctor Richard Rock, F. U. N. This great man is short of stature, is fat, and waddles

never wears.

| as he walks. He always wears a white three tailed

wig, nicely combed, and frizzled upon each cheek. Sometimes he carries a cane, but a hat never; it is indeed very remarkable that this extraordinary perkonage should never wear a hat; but so it is, a hat he

He is usually drawn, at the top of his own bills, sitting in his arm chair, holding a little bottle between his finger and thumb, and surrounded with rotten teeth, nippers, pills, packets; and gallypots. No man can promise fairer or better than he ; for, as he observes, “ Be your disorder never so far gone, be under no uneasiness, make yourelf quite easy, I can cure you." 6. The next in fame, though by some reckoned of equal pretensions,is doctor Timothy Franks, F. O. G. H., living in the Old Bailey. As Rock is remarkably squab, his great rival Franks is as remarkably tall. He was born in the year of the christian æra, 1692, and is, while I now write, exactJy sixty-eight years, three months, and four days old. Age, however has no ways impaired his usual health and vivacity. lam told, he generally walks with his breast open. This gentleman, who is of a mixed reputation, is particulary remarkable for a becoming assurance, which carries him gently through life ; for, except doctor Rock, none are more blessed with the advantages of face than doctor Franks.

And yet the great have their foibles as well as the little ; - I am almost ashamed to mention it.-Let the foibles of the great rest in peace.--Yet I must impart the whole. These two great men are actually now at variance, like mere men, mere common mortals. Rock advises the world to beware of bog-trotting quacks ; Franks retorts the wit and the sarcasm, by fixing on his rival the odious appellation of Dumpling Dick ! He calls the serious doctor Rock, Dumpling Dick! "Head of Confucius, what profanation! Dumpling Dick! What a pity, ye powers! that the learned, who were bornmutually to assist in enlightening the world, should thus differ among themselves, and make even the profession ridiculous ! sure the world is wide enough, at least, for two great personages to figure in ; men of science should leave controversy to the little world below them; and then we might see Rock at. Franks walking together, hand in hand, smiling onward to immortality.

Oliver Goldsmith.

GOOD ADVICE FROM A FATHER TO

SON.

I don't mind your taking a few glasses of wine in company—it cheers and enlivens, promotes mirth, spirit, and conversation ;-nay-if you can bear it, at those times,--Tom-I don't much mind a whole bottle. But as you value yourself—and as you value my friendship-beware of t other bottle. In all my experience in life, theömischief has been done by to other bottle. It is t'other bottle makes us drunk, quar. relsome, stupid, stay out late, keep bad hours, and bad company, and bad everything. --- Therefore, I say again, Tom-beware of other bottle !

THE INSANE ORGANIST.

At Worcester, there was an idiot, who was employed at the cathedral there, in blowing the organ. A remarkable fine anthem being performed one day, the organ-blower, when all was over, said, I think we have performed mighty well to-day. We per, formed ! answered the organist; I think 't was I performed, or I am much mistaken. Shortly after, another celebrated piece of music was to be played. In the middle of the anthem, the organ stops all al once. The organist cries out in a passion, why dont you blow? The fellow on that pops out his head from behind the organ, and said-shall ii be we thco?

Look

up at the inscription on that venerable building, defaced with plaister; what does it record ? “ Beautified by Samuel Smears and Daniel Daub, church wardens.” And so these honest gentlemen call disguising that fine old stone building with a thick coat of lime and hair, or whitewash, beautifying it! What is the history of all this? Why, the plain matter of fact is, that every parish-officer thinks he has a right to make a round bill on the parish during his year of power : an apothecary physics the poor; a glazier, first in cleaning, breaks the church windows, and afterwards mends them, or at least charges for it; a painter repairs the commandments, puts new coats on Moses and Aaron, gilds the organ pipes, and dresses the little cherubims about the loft as fine as verBilion, prussian blue, and dutch gold, can make them. The late church wardens were a silver-smith and a woollen-draper: the silver-smith new fashioned the communion plate; and the draper new-clothe ed the pulpit, and put fresh curtains to the windows. All this might be modestly done, were they not to in. sult the good sense of every beholder with their beautified : shame on them!

THE EXPEDITIOUS PAINTER. A certain nobleman having built a chapel, had a mind the stair-case leading to it should be ornamented with some scripture history-which he at last determined should be the Children of Israel passing through the Red Sea, and the Egyptians pursuing them.--A paini. er was employed upon this occasion, and fell to work immediately; and after he had daubed the wall from

top to bottom with red paint, he called to his lordship and told him the work was done.--Done! quoth the peer.—What’s done? Where are the Children of Israel? My lord, they are gone over, replied the paint. er. But, zounds! where are the Egyptians ihetta The Egyptians, my lord ?—why they are drowned to be sure!

THE ART OF PUNNING BY RULE. By rule ?" Yes—thus. A man says, “ Mr. Lacke was a great metaphysician.” “Oh Lord!' say you, " that's nothing at all I met a physician myself yes*terday.' The next rule is to lay a trap for a pun, by a previous question. Say 'da you think the dinner is ready?' I really don't know," says one of the company, “I am going to see." Oh, to sea, are you!' say you, I wish you a good voyage.'-Or these --say you what do you think of this business of the Empress and the Turks?' "Think!” says one, "why that the Empress will play the very devil with them. Why, sir, in another twelvemonth there will be ni Turkey in Europe.". Upon my word,' say you, 'I am sorry for that-it is a very charming dish, espec. ially with a pudding in its belly.'

Thus when you have learned to pun with facility, you may do what you please. One says "Come pun away.

ir Away' say you I had better pun here had not iP! "Igad,” says another, “he is in for it, stop him who can.” • Nay,' say you, what should they stop me for? I have stolen nothing;' "Well, upon my word,” says the first, that is beyond every thing." Oh,' say you, • if that is the case, you know I can go no farther,' Sy much for punning.

Dibdin's Musical Tour,

« PreviousContinue »