SCENE I.-The Street. Enter Mrs. Page, Mrs. Quickly, and William. Mrs. Page. Is he at master Ford's already, think'st thou ? Quick. Sure he is by this; or will be presently: but truly, he is very courageous' mad, about his throwing into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly. Mrs. Page. I'll be with her by and by; I'll but bring my young man here to school: look, where his master comes; 'tis a playing-day, I see. Enter Sir Hugh Evans. How now, sir Hugh? no school to-day? Eva. No; master Slender is let the boys leave to play. Quick. Blessing of his heart! Mrs. Page. Sir Hugh, my husband says, my son profits nothing in the world at his book; I pray. you, ask him some questions in his accidence. Eva. Come hither, William; hold up your head; come. Mrs. Page. Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer your master, be not afraid. Era. William, how many numbers is in nouns? Will. Two. Eva. Ay. Will. Genitive,―horum, harum, horum. Quick, 'Vengeance of Jenny's case! fie en her!-never name her, child, if she be a whore. Eva. For shame, 'oman. Quick. You do ill to teach the child such words: he teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll do fast enough of themselves; and to call horum:fie upon you! Eva. Oman, art thou lunatics? hast thou no understandings for thy cases, and the numbers of the genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as I would desires. Mrs. Page. Pr'ythee, hold thy peace. Eva. Show me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns. Will. Forsooth, I have forgot. Eva. It is ki, kæ, cod; if you forget your kies, your kas, and your cods, you must be preeches.* Go your ways, and play, go. Mrs. Page. He is a better scholar than I thought he was. Eva. He is a good sprag' memory. Farewell, mistress Page. Mrs. Page. Adieu, good sir Hugh. [Exit Sir Hugh.] Get you home, boy.-Come, we stay too long. [Exeunt. SCENE II-A room in Ford's house. Enter Falstaff and Mrs. Ford. Fal. Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up Quick. Truly, I thought there had been one my sufferance: I see, you are obsequious in your number more; because they say, od's nouns. love, and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; not Ev. Peace your tattlings. What is fair, Wil-only, mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but liam ? in all the accoutrement, complement, and ceremo ny of it. But are you sure of your husband now? Mrs. Ford. He's a birding, sweet sir John. Mrs. Page. [Within.] What hoa, gossip Ford! what hoa! Mrs. Ford. Step into the chamber, sir John. [Exit Falstaff. Enter Mrs. Page. Mrs. Page. How now, sweetheart? who's at home beside yourself? Mrs. Ford. Why, none but mine own people. Mrs. Page. Indeed? Mrs. Ford. No, certamly;-speak louder. [Aside. Mrs. Page. Truly, body here. am so glad you have no Mrs. Ford. Why? his old lunes again: he so takes on yonder with Mrs. Page. Why, woman, your husband is in my husband; so rails against all married mankind; so curses all Eve's daughters, of wnat complexion soever; and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying, peer out, peer out! that any madness i ever yet beheld, seemed but tameness, civility, and patience, to this his distemper he is in now: am glad the fat knight is not here. Mrs. Ford. Why, does he talk of him? Mrs. Page. Of none but him; and swears, he was carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a basket: protests to my husband, he is now (6) As children call on a snail to push forth his (3) Apt to learn. (4) Sorrowful. (5) Mad fits. horns. Mrs. Ford. I'll first direct my men, what they shall do with the basket. Go up, I'll bring liner. for him straight. [Exit. Mrs. Page. Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough. We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do, Re-enter Mrs. Ford, with two servants. Mrs. Ford. Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders; your master is hard at door: if he bid you set it down, obey him: quickly, despatch. [Exit. 1 Serv. Come, come, take it up. 2 Serv. Pray heaven, it be not full of the knight again. 1 Serv. I hope not; I had as lief bear so much Mrs. Page. Alas, three of master Ford's brothers watch the door with pistols, that none should lead. issue out; otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here? Fal. What shall I do?-I'll creep up into the chimney. Fal. Where is it? Enter Ford, Page, Shallow, Caius, and Sir Hugh Mrs. Ford. There they always use to discharge have you any way then to unfool me again?-Set Ford. Ay, but if it prove true, master Page, their birding-pieces: creep into the kiln-hole. down the basket, villain :-Somebody call my Mrs. Ford. He will seek there on my word. wife: -You, youth in a basket, come out here! Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but, you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a ging, he hath an abstract' for the remembrance of such a pack, a conspiracy against me: now shall the devil be shamed. places, and goes to them by his note: there is no What! wife, I say! come, hiding you in the house. come forth; behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching. Fal. I'll go out then. Mrs. Page. If you go out in your own semblance, you die, sir John. Unless you go out disguised, Mrs. Ford. How might we disguise him? Mrs. Page. Alas the day, I know not. There is no woman's gown big enough for him; otherwise, he might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape. Fal. Good hearts, devise something: any extremity, rather than a mischief. Page. Why, this passes; Master Ford, you are not to go loose any longer; you must be pinioned. dog! Eva. Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad Shal. Indeed, master Ford, this is not well; indeed. Enter Mrs. Ford. Mrs. Ford. My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Ford; mistress Ford, the honest woman, the Ford. So say I too, Sir.-Come hither, mistress Brentford, has a gown above. Mrs. Page. On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he is: and there's her thrum'd hat, and her muffler too: run up, sir John. Mrs. Ford. Go, go, sweet sir John; mistress Page and I will look some linen for your head. Mrs. Page. Quick, quick; we'll come dress you straight: put on the gown the while. [Exit Fal. Mrs. Ford. I would my husband would meet him in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears, she's a witch; forbade her my house, and hath threatened to beat her. Mrs. Page. Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel; and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards! Mrs. Ford. But is my husband coming? Mrs. Page. Ay, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had in telligence. Mrs. Ford. We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as they did last time. Mrs. Page. Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress him like the witch of Brentford. (1) Short note of. (2) Seriousness. jealous fool to her husband!-I suspect without Mrs. Ford. Heaven be my witness, you do, if [Pulls the clothes out of the basket. Page. This passes! Mrs. Ford. Are you not ashamed? let the clothes alone. Shal. By my fidelity, this is not well, master licly shamed: and, methinks, there would be no Ford; this wrongs you. Eva. Master Ford, you must pray, and not shamed. period to the jest, should he not be publicly follow the imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies. Ford. Well, he's not here I seek for. Mrs. Page. Come, to the forge with it then, shape it: I would not have things cool. [Exeunt. SCENE III.-A room in the Garter Inn. Enter your horses: the duke himself will be to-morrow at Page. No, nor no where else, but in your brain. Ford. Help to search my house this one time: if I find not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity, let me for ever be your table-sport: let them say of me, As jealous as Ford, that search'd a hollow walnut for his wife's leman. Satisfy me once more; once more search with me. Mrs. Ford. What hoa, mistress Page! come cretly? I hear not of him in the court: Let me Host. What duke should that be, comes so seyou, and the old woman down; my husband will speak with the gentlemen; they speak English? come into the chamber. Ford. Old woman! What old woman's that? Bard. Ay, sir; I'll call them to you. Mrs. Ford. Why, it's my maid's aunt of Brent-them pay, I'll sauce them: they have had my house Host. They shall have my horses; but I'll make ford. Ford. A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! guests: they must come off; I'll sauce them: Come. a week at command; I have turned away my other Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does she? We are simple men; we do not know what's brought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by the figure, and such daubery as this is; beyond our element: we know nothing.down, you witch, you hag you; come down, I say, -Come Mrs. Ford. Nay, good sweet husband;-good as ever I did look upon. gentlemen, let him not strike the old woman. Enter Falstaff in women's clothes, led by Mrs. Page. Mrs. Page. Come, mother Pratt, come, give me your hand. Ford. I'll prat her:-Out of my door, you witch! [beats him.] you rag, you baggage, you polecat, you ronyon! out! out! I'll conjure you, I'll fortune-tell you. Mrs. Page. Are you not ashamed? I think, you [Exit Falstaff. have kill'd the poor woman. Mrs. Ford. Nay, he will do it:-'Tis a goodly credit for you. Ford. Hang her, witch! Eva. By yea and no, I think, the 'oman is a witch indeed: I like not when a 'oman has a great peard; I spy a great peard under her muffler." [Exeunt. SCENE IV.-A room in Ford's House. Enter Eva. 'Tis one of the pest discretions of a 'oman Page. And did he send you both these letters at an instant? Mrs. Page. Within a quarter of an hour. Than thee with wantonness: now doth thy honour 'Tis well, 'tis well; no more. But let our plot go forward: let our wives Page. How! to send him word they'll meet him Ford. Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow; see but the issue of my jealousy: if I cry out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I in the park at midnight! fie, fie; he'll never come. open again. Page. Let's obey his humour a little further; Come, gentlemen. [Ex. Page, Ford, Shal. and Eva. Mrs. Page. Trust me, he beat him most pitifully. Mrs. Ford. Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him most unpitifully, methought. and has been grievously peaten, as an old 'oman; Eva. You say he has been thrown in the rivers; methinks, there should be terrors in him, that he should not come; methinks his flesh is punished, he shall have no desires. Page. So think I too. Mrs. Page. I'll have the cudgel hallowed, and hung o'er the altar; it hath done meritorious service. Mrs. Ford. What think you? May we, with the And let us two devise to bring him thither. warrant of womanhood, and the witness of a good conscience, pursue him with any further revenge? Mrs. Page. The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared out of him; if the devil have him not in feesimple, with fine and recovery, he will never, think, in the way of waste, attempt us again. Mrs. Ford. Devise but how you'll use him when he comes,, Mrs. Page. There is an old tale goes, that Herne Mrs. Ford. Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him? Sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest, Mrs. Page. Yes, by all means; if it be but to In a most hideous and dreadful manner. scrape the figures out of your husband's brains. If You have heard of such a spirit; and well you they can find in their hearts, the poor unvirtuous know, fat knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will The superstitious idle-headed elde Receiv'd, and did deliver to our age, still be the ministers. Mrs. Ford. I'll warrant, they'll have him pub-This tale of Herne the hunter for a truth. (1) Lover. (2) Seab. (3) Scent. Page. Why, yet there want not many, that do fear thick-skin? speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak; quick, snap. But what of this? Mrs. Ford. Marry, this is our device; What shall be done with him? what is your plot?| 1 Sim. Marry, sir, I come to speak with sir John Falstaff from master Slender. Host. There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed, and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about with the story of the prodigal, fresh and new: Go, knock and call; he'll speak like an Anthropophaginians unto thee: Knock, I say. Sim. There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up-up into his chamber; I'll be so bold as to stay, sir, till she come down: I come to speak with her, indeed. Nan Page my daughter, and my little son, Mrs. Ford. And till he tell the truth, Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound,3 Mrs. Page. The children must Be practised well to this, or they'll ne'er do't. Eva. I will teach the children their behaviours; and I will be like a jack-an-napes also, to burn the knight with my taber. Ford. That will be excellent. I'll go buy them vizards. Mrs. Page. My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies, Finely attired in a robe of white. Page. That silk will I go buy ;-and in that time Shall master Slender steal my Nan away, [Aside. And marry her at Eton.Go, send to Falstaff straight. Ford. Nay, I'll to him again in name of Brook: He'll tell me all his purpose: sure he'll come. Mrs. Page. Fear not you that: Go, get us properties, And tricking for our fairies. Eva. Let us about it: It is admirable pleasures, and fery honest knaveries. [Exeunt Page, Ford, and Evans. Mrs. Page. Go, mistress Ford, Send quickly to sir John, to know his mind. [Exit Mrs. Ford. I'll to the doctor; he hath my good will, SCENE V.-A room in the Garter Inn. Enter Host and Simple. Host. What would'st thou have, boor? what, (1) Elfs, hobgoblins. (2) Wild, discordant. (3) Soundly. (4) Necessaries. (5) Cannibal. Host. Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed: I'll call.-Bully knight! Bully sir John! speak from thy lungs military: Art thou there? it is thine host, thine Ephesian, calls. Fal. [Above.] How now, mine host? Host. Here's a Bohemian Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat woman: Let her descend, bully, let her descend: my chambers are honoura ble: Fie! privacy? fie! Enter Falstaff. Fal. There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with me; but she's gone. Sim. Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of Brentford ? Fal. Ay, marry, was it, muscle-shell; What would you with her? Sim. My master, sir, my master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the chain, or no. Fal. I spake with the old woman about it. Fal. Marry, she says, that the very same man, that beguiled master Slender of his chain, cozened him of it. Sim. I would, I could have spoken with the woman herself; I had other things to have spoken with her too, from him. Fal. What are they? let us know. Sim. I may not conceal them, sir. Sim. Why, sir, they were nothing but about mistress Anne Page; to know, if it were my master's fortune to have her, or no. Fal. "Tis, 'tis his fortune. Sim. What, sir? Fal. To have her,-or no: Go; say, the woman told me so. Sim. May I be so bold to say so, sir? Sim. I thank your worship: I shall make my master glad with these tidings. [Exit Simple. Host. Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, sir John: Was there a wise woman with thee? Fal. Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my life and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning. : Enter Bardolph. Bard. Out, alas, sir! cozenage! meer cozenage! Host. Where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto. Bard. Run away with the cozeners; for so soon (6) Cunning woman, a fortune-teller. (7) Scholar-like. as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off, from SCENE VI.—Another Room in the Garter Inn. behind one of them, in a slough of mire; and setj Enter Fenton and Host. spurs, and away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses. Host. They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do not say, they be fled; Germans are honest men. Enter Sir Hugh Evans. Eva. Where is mine host? Host. What is the matter, sir? Host. Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy, I will give over all. Fent. Yet hear me speak: Assist me in my And, as am a gentleman, I'll give thee Fent. From time to time I have acquainted you Eva. Have a care of your entertainments: there With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page; Is a friend of mine come to town, tells me, there Who, mutually, hath answered my affection' is three cousin Germans, that has cozened all the (So far forth as herself might be her chooser,) hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, Even to my wish: I have a letter from her of horses and money. I tell you for a good-will, of such contents as you will wonder at ; look you: you are wise, and full of gibes and The mirth whereof so larded with my matter, vlouting-stogs; and 'tis not convenient you should That neither, singly, can be manifested, be cozened: Fare you well. [Exit. Without the show of both; wherein fat Falstaff Hath a great scene; the image of the jest [Showing the letter. I'll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host: To-night at Herne's oak, just 'twixt twelve and Enter Doctor Caius. Caius. Vere is mine Host de Jarterre? Host. Here, master doctor, in perplexity, and doubtful dilemma. one, Must my sweet Nan present the fairy queen, Caius. I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a The purpose why, is here;2 in which disguise, me, dat you make grand preparation for a duke de While other jests are something rank on foot, Jarmany: by my trot, dere is no duke, dat de Her father hath commanded her to slip court is know to come; I tell you for good vill: Away with Slender, and with him at Eton adieu. [Exit. Immediately to marry: she hath consented: Host. Hue and cry, villain, go :-assist me, Now, sir, knight; I am undone :-fly, run, hue and cry, vil- Her mother, even strong against that match, lain! I am undone! [Exeunt Host and Bardolph. And firm for doctor Caius, hath appointed Fal. I would, all the world might be cozened; That he shall likewise shuffle her away, for I have been cozen'd and beaten too. If it should While other sports are tasking of their minds, come to the ear of the court, how I have been And at the deanery, where a priest attends, transformed, and how my transformation hath been Straight marry her: to this her mother's plot washed and cudgelled, they would melt me out of She, seemingly obedient, likewise hath my fat, drop by drop, and liquor fishermen's boots Made promise to the doctor;-Now, thus it rests. with me; I warrant, they would whip me with Her father means she shall be all in white; their fine wits, till I were as crest-fallen as a dried And in that habit, when Slender sees his time pear. I never prospered since I forswore myself To take her by the hand, and bid her go, at Primero. Well, if my wind were but long She shall go with him :-her mother hath intended, enough to say my prayers, I would repent. Quick. And have not they suffered? Yes, warrant; speciously one of them; mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her. The better to denote her to the doctor, (For they must all be mask'd and vizarded,) Fent. Both, my good host, to go along with me: Host. Well, husband your device; I'll to the Fal. What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rain- Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest. bow, and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brentford; but that my admirable dex Fent. So shall I evermore be bound to thee; terity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old Besides, I'll make a present recompense. [Exeunt. woman, deliver'd me, the knave constable had set ACT V. me i' the stocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch. (1) A game at cards. Enter Falstaff and Mrs. Quickly. [Exeunt. Fal. Pry'thee, no more prattling;-go.—I'll |