PENAL STATUES. To the Memory of Monopolists, and other Great National Malefactors. THE ROEBUCK AND COPPOCK CONTROVERSY. THE public will, no doubt, remember the indignant repudiation of MR. COPPOCK, the Whig electioneering agent, by MR. ROEBUCK, the Member for Bath, who prides himself, very properly, upon paying nothing to nobody" for a seat in Parliament. The Honourable Member, in the length of his career, and the shortness of his memory, had forgotten the receipt of £300, through the hands of MR. COPPOCK, for some necessary election expenses; but with his characteristic candour, he avows the lapse he made, the moment it was pointed out to him. This prelude will explain the purpose of the following melody, supposed exist very insuffi- to have been "knocked off" by the Honourable Member for Sheffield, cient means for in reference to the great-or little-COPPOCK controversy, which has handing down to lately occupied the columns of the newspapers. T this time, when posterity men who in opposing all wise and good legislation. Sculpture is at present a one-sided art: it transmits to future generations the heroes, lawgivers, philosophers, poets, moralists, and warriors of the past; but it creates no memorials of the numerous individuals who have distinguished themselves as flunkies, obstructives, blockheads, dunces, rogues, and poltroons. Now, Sculpture should not be subservient to mere image-worship; it should fashion the scarecrow as well as the idol. Accordingly, as there is a Poets' Corner in Westminster Abbey, there ought to be a Knaves' Corner in Newgate, and a Fools' Corner at Bedlam; and the statues of persons who have in any eminent degree earned-by baseness, dishonesty, folly, dulness, bigotry, cowardice, or other despicable qualities-public odium and contempt, should be set up in HER MAJESTY'S various gaols, bridewells, and houses of correction, throughout the country. It is a pity that no such monuments have been erected; for instance, in dishonour of the antagonists of the Repeal of the Test and Corporation Acts,-of Reform in Parliament, of the abolition of Flogging in the Army-of the mitigation of the Insolvency Laws and the Criminal Code, of Unsectarian Education,-and, in general, of Civil and Religious Liberty. : The chisel has hitherto been devoted too exclusively to the sublime and beautiful; but is equally available for the absurd and the ridiculous and the statues of ignoble and execrable characters would be caricatures in stone, and would answer the proper purpose of all caricatures; namely, to bring baseness, villany, bigotry, folly, selfishness, and hypocrisy, into contempt: with this advantage, that instead of being ephemeral, they would be perennial; so that scorn might point the finger at them throughout all ages, for an eternal warning to our descendants. The statues of fellows renowned for their impudence might be executed in brass; those of celebrated bigots in stubborn granite; and similar analogies might be carried out in other instances. A Temple of Ignominy might be built on purpose to contain the testimonials of an indignant nation to its Meanest and Worst. The medieval style would be preferable for such an edifice; both because it belongs to the bad old times, which the opponents of light and advancement wish to return to; and also, because it affords a variety of niches for the figures of those that deserve to be placed in them: and likewise admits of copious embellishment with corbels; for which ornaments the heads of dilatory, anti-reform LORD CHANCELLORS, and cantankerous or covetous bishops, would be very suitable. Some of our actually existing monuments of eminent characters would be perfectly fit to be transferred to the Temple of Ignominy without alteration, being already quite ridiculous enough, and representing monarchs and other personages of rank, chiefly remarkable for depravity and stupidity. De mortuis nil nisi bonum is a rusty saw, ancient, but not venerable, nor even respectable. It bespeaks the character of a man who is conscious of deserving to be ill-spoken of, and the understanding of one who imagines that, after his decease, it can be of any consequence to him if he is. By pillorying an evil memory, you admonish the living without hurting the dead. GUY FAWKES, at present, is the only delinquent whose ill-fame is perpetuated by an effigy. Let us hope that no noblemen or gentlemen, by conspiring to restore the bread-tax, will qualify themselves for a similar immortality. GOING GREAT LENGTHS. AIR-"Oh! no, we never mention him." I quite forgot the money, though; They bid me recollect the cash That COPPOCK paid to me: They tell me I'm confuted now, Hurrah for the Road! A PARLIAMENTARY Return, recently published, shows that in England and Wales the receipts on account of highways in counties in the year ending March 25, 1850, amounted to the rather considerable sum of £1,040,645. 18s. 3d. TURPINS and JACK SHEPPARDS nowadays, we have not yet exactly We are very much afraid that though we have no downright DICK put a stop to highway robbery. MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. THE Protectionists are very anxiously asking, what the Ministers mean to do. We can give an answer. They mean to do the country if they can; and if not, they will do the Protectionists. Striking Hard. THE Observer says, that in consequence of the Engineers' strike, 20,000 men have been out of work since the 10th of January, and calculates the amount of wages lost by them up to the present time, at £175,000, besides £2000 spent by the trade societies in maintaining the strike. Will the strikers persevere in striking so hard as this, seeing with how much force they strike themselves? A BLACK JOB. Ir it should turn out that MR. DISRAELI means positively to propose a tax on fuel, he may be sure that in curtailing the public of their coals, he will very speedily get the sack. Cries for the Country Party. Two mottoes are to be inscribed on the Protectionist banner; viz.- ONE WAY OF EFFECTING SILENCE.-The French Senators are not THE longest American yarn upon record is the mile-and-a-half of to talk. LOUIS NAPOLEON has taken very good care of this, for he has rope which CAPTAIN SEABURY let the Sea-Serpent out with. given them a Constitution not worth talking about. WHAT WAS FOUND INSIDE THE AMERICAN SEASERPENT. THE papers make mention of the contents of the American SeaSerpent, when its stomach was cut open. We were sadly disappointed with the poverty of the Catalogue. The principal article in it seems to have been a squid,"-whatever that may be. We have seen many wonderful things in our lifetime, but we never recollect seeing a squid." We suppose it must be one of the numerous (s)quiddities to which the American Sea-Serpent, in its extraordinary career, has given birth. 66 But we are confident there must have been some terrible omissions in the Catalogue. When we think of the capacity of its swallow-and of the capacity of the public's swallow, also, with regard to it-we are sure there must have been inside the American Sea-Serpent something more than a mere "squid." If not, a great opportunity has been lost in the way of invention, and we hasten to supply the list of the articles that were, or ought to have been, found inside "its stomach." The Disappearance of the Falls of Niagara;-an authentic account of that wonderful freak of nature, as related in the American papers several years ago. The Certificate of birth of WASHINGTON's black nurse, and a mug belonging to the same, with the inscription, "A trifle from Brighton." (These have been bought for 20,000 dollars by MR. BARNUM). A hearthrug made from the wool that was shorn from the celebrated "Woolly Horse." (This has likewise been purchased, at an enormous sacrifice. by MR. BARNUM). The Whip with which America flogs all creation, and the American Flag, showing the "Stripes" that were received from it. A Pennsylvanian Bond, with "Paid" at the bottom. A New Orleans Paper, without an advertisement of a runaway Slave in it. The Ruler with which Britannia ruled the waves, before she was beaten last year at Cowes by the Yankee yacht, America. Portraits of the 250,000 British ladies that were kissed by GENERAL TOM THUMB. Cheque-books of the American Publishers, who have ruined themselves with the enormous sums of money they have given to English authors for their works.-Very curious. THE (MILK) PALE OF SOCIETY. SOMEBODY advertises a new machine, called a "Milk-tes'er," to test the genuineness of milk. Where is the milksop who would torture himself unnecessarily by the use of a machine which would only confirm his worst suspicions? Who wants to test the veracity of that chalky article, which we all know to be one of the most universal of white lies that was ever palmed upon society? In matters of milk, "where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise." If every one could test the stuff that is placed daily on his breakfast table, his own blood would turn into curds, or run cold with ice-cream. Talk of a "good glass of wine" as a thing difficult of attainment! it is easy in comparison to the almost utter impossibility of procuring in London a genuine glass of milk. How hopeless, then, the process of testing the treacherous compound! Far better to swallow it with all its faults, than attempt to dive too deeply into its mysteries; for there is scarcely a pint of milk in London that would even bear to have its surface skimmed. Bonaparte's Next Coup. PERSONS in a state of mesmeric somnambulism are said to be sometimes able to see through walls, and to relate what is occurring at any distance. If LOUIS NAPOLEON does not take care, the discussions of his Senate and Legislative Assembly will transpire in their actuality, notwithstanding his precautions to prevent the truth of them from being got at: and we confidently expect that his next edict will be a decree against clairvoyance. The Green Spectacles which the clever Dairyman put on his cows when he turned them into a chalk-pit, to persuade them they were eating grass. The colour of the Gentleman's Money, who was so tarnation sharp, that his shadow even cut thin bread and butter. Portrait of the fast young New Yorker who, when called upon to pay the debt of nature, proposed to do it one half in dry goods, the other half in bills. But this is quite enough to prove the number of things and people the American Sea-Serpent has taken in ever since it has been running through the seas, and the columus of the American newspapers. THEATRICAL ANNOUNCEMENT. ITH great pleasure Considerable im- The Red Boxes, upon which so much indig nation has been expended, have been removea, and, y way of assimilation to the system which has been adopted in remodelling the Company, Green Ones have been introduced. The Company has been completely re-organised. The principal leading characters will in future be sustained by MR. RUPERT DILLY (the Director), and MR. POPANILLA DIZZY (the celebrated delineator of Mosaic-Arab characters); but, in addition to MESSRS. DILLY and DIZZY, some valuable engagements, chiefly of Provincial notorieties, have been effected. In Walking Gentlemen the corps will be found exceedingly strong; and in compliance with "generally expressed and clearly understood popular demand," each member of the company will Walk as speedily as possible. a The Director has been anxious to avoid the rococo formality of an address, stating intentions, but will mention that the new repertoire of his company will be calculated to give no offence in any quarter. The old farce of Protection has certainly been some time in preparation, and has been a good deal "written up," but it will not be brought forward this season, or indeed at all, except under the new title of Lend me Five Shillings. Our National Defences will be among the earliest novelties, and no expense will be spared thereupon. MESSRS. DILLY and DIZZY propose to introduce the remainder of the company as Our Clerks. MR. PAKINGTON will make his appearance as the Country Squire, and also (with MR. MALMSBURY) in Fish out of Water; MR. MANNERS will appear in Young England, and MR. NAAS will make his bow as Backbite in the School for Scandal. The comic entertainment of Dublin Castle will be revived for MR. EGLINTOUN, and the splendid real armour will be introduced, as worn at the Scottish Tournament. The ballet department will be under the skilful and experienced direction of MR. LONSDALE. The firework department will be solely entrusted to MR. DIZZY, whose displays in that line have already given so much satisfaction. MR. WALPOLE will, however, assist him with some Roman Candles, from the celebrated manufactory of PROFESSOR PUSEY, in which MR. W. is a partner. The Order system will be revised, and orders will be given away only to Members of the Aristocracy. The privilege of the Public Press will be retrenched as far as is expedient; the Director being anxious to save all annoyance to his patrons. Places will be kept as long as possible. Any applications as to bills, to be addressed to the Director only. It is hoped that no IN REHEARSAL. A farce, entitled The Budget. An extravaganza, named Mind my Corn, Murder will (shortly) Out! A BIOGRAPHICAL periodical announces, as the title of one of its principal articles, "LORD PALMERSTON concluded." It is an old story, to talk of a writer attempting an individual's life: but poor LORD PALMERSTON seems to have been treated with unusual cruelty; for, his "conclusion" being advertised, we presume that the attempter of his life has actually made an end of him. THE CAPTURE OF THE SEA- TUNE-" Giles Scroggins's Ghost." (THE SERPENT'S HEAD IS SUPPOSED TO SING.) BEHOLD! good people, here I am; Time out of mind, you've heard of me; A mere chimæra of the sea. Who this exploit was to achieve, May boast of having kill'd me dead Will for my capture be renown'd; 'Mid the billows, I was found. I, lying quietly afloat, Little aware what foes were near; And darted into me a spear. The Captain, as he made his lunge, I had knock'd overboard outright: Into the sea for very fright. Of course I took that length of rope But, ah! my bacon 't wouldn't save. They fancied they had kill'd me "slick," Which caused them speedily to fly; Look'd on, and view'd my mortal throes: They measured me; and vow'd by Heaven! I was a hundred and three feet seven, They've saved my head, my bones and skin, As all the universe must know. I calculate I'm "scotch'd, not kill'd,” N* FOX STEALS AWAY FROM THE COVER; BEARDED FOREIGNER OF DISTINCTION IMMEDIATELY GIVES CHASE. Whipper-in (with excitement, loquitur). "'OLD 'ARD, THERE! 'OLD 'ARD! WHERE ARE YOU A-GALLOPING TOP DO YOU THINK YOU CAN CATCH A FOX?" Foreigner of Distinction (with great glee). "I DO NOT KNOW, MON AMI; BUT I VILL TRAI-I VILL TRAI.” THE ART OF EGG-THROWING. As there is every probability of a general election, there will shortly be a sudden rise in the price of eggs. Parties, therefore, who wish to be well supplied with the savoury missiles of electioneering warfare, cannot be recommended too strongly to give their orders directly. The delay of every day may make the difference of a penny a dozen, a great consideration in the case of an election being severely contested. In Westminster, for instance, the most lively preparations have been making for some time. One candidate, who has determined to spare no expense, has engaged the services of those intrepid officers, who distinguished themselves in such an eggsemplary manner last year at Epsom. They are to be provided with a separate booth, unlimited champagne and eau-de-Cologne, and as many eggs as they can throw-and all free of expense. It is expected that no opposition will be strong enough to stand against such an attack. What makes the danger still more to be dreaded is the awful fact that this devoted band, whose aim in egg-throwing is so unerring that some of the most practised shots have been known to hit a man's eye at sixty yards distance, will be supplied with a few of the eggs of the wingless bird of Madagascar! When we mention that one of the eggs of this monster bird is equal to 148 of our common hen's eggs, we shall give a small notion of the alarm that exists in the breasts of the electors of Westminster. He must be a bold patriot indeed who will expose himself to the fire of 148 eggs, by venturing to vote in the teeth of such a battery, with the shells flying about him in all directions. We are afraid that not a soul, excepting BARON NATHAN, who bears a charmed life against eggs, will have the pluck to go near the hustings! unless, perchance, some unhappy yokel should get between two cross fires, and so be egged on from both sides to record his vote either in favour of one or the other. A HISTORY OF ROME.-First a camp; then a forum; then a palace; then a church; now a ruin. a THE POETICAL COOKERY-BOOK. TRIFLE. AIR-"The Meeting of the Waters." Sweet plateau of Trifle! how great is my zest Paradoxes of the Exchequer. THE revenue derived from taxes on knowledge is small, which seems satire on the country: but as the imposts in themselves are heavy, the joke may rather be said to be against the Government; and yet, unfor tunately at the expense of the people. SHAKY.-What must be the state of the Protectionist Members in the House, when the head is DIZZY? TEETOTAL ORGIES. THE POETICAL COOKERY BOOK. 1 STEWED STEAK. AIR-" Had I a Heart for Falsehood Framed." HAD I a pound of tender Steak, I'd use it for a stew; And if the dish you would partake, I'll tell you what to do. Into a stew-pan, clean and neat, A tender piece-but young. And when you find the juice express'd To draw the gravy off, were best, Then, lady, if you'd have a treat, And when the Steak is nicely done, Then add the gravy-with of wine A spoonful in it flung; And a shalot cut very fine: Let the shalot be young. And when the whole has been combined, More stewing 't will require; Ten minutes will suffice-but mind, Don't have too quick a fire. Then serve it up-t will form a treat! NICKNAME FOR THE PRESENT MINISTRY.-The present Ministry is so full of Lords and Noble Protectionists, that it has been christened the "HIGH BRE(A)D MINISTRY." rabble of boys at their heels carrying flags, and also decorated with aquatic plants: the whole troop of water drinkers in the meanwhile uttering frantic cries, after the manner of a procession of Bacchanals? Carry out the idea of a Band of Hope parade, and you might, indeed, have an anti-Bacchic procession; and FATHER MATHEW, or our friend and contemporary himself, astride a water-butt, might figure in it as Anti-SILENUS. The only objection to such a display is, that it is the state of intoxication, rather than the cause of it, that is wrong and that, if enthusiasm will produce all the effects of ardent spirits, it is as bad to indulge in the former as to tipple the latter. Gluttony is as great, if not as ruinous, a vice as drunkenness: it is even more particularly bestial, as being specifically piggish. Now imagine a set of people who had pledged themselves to low diet, assembling in front of the Mansion House, and shouting "Gruel for Ever!" and "Hooray for Dry Toast!" Would such behaviour cause a single alderman to consume one gallon of turtle-soup the less? Would it tend in the least to the diminution of civic voracity? WE have to thank the Editor of the Band of Hope Review for sending us some numbers of that periodical-we presume with the object of inducing us to reconsider our remarks on the ridiculous exhibition lately made of themselves by certain children, small and great, belonging to a Total Abstinence Society of the same name as his publication. We still, however, retain the opinion, that to shout for Temperance in the streets, is not the way to promote that virtue; and that no advantage to the cause of sobriety can accrue from a number of little boys and girls voting an affected and artificial address to the PRINCE OF WALES, to tell him how good they mean to be, and indirectly to invite him to turn Teetotaller. Let our abstemious contemporary observe that we do not reprehend these and such-like proceedings, out of opposition to the Temperance movement; on the contrary, we object to them on the very ground that they impede it, by bringing it into contempt. Indeed, we consider that it is we who discourage drunkenness, in caricaturing it; whereas Bands of Hope and other Teetotallers, who run about playing the fool, do just the reverse, inasmuch as their conduct tends to expose sobriety itself to derision. It is true that we demur both to the principle and practice of entire abstinence from fermented liquors, believing them to form no exception to the rule that prescribes moderation in all things. If we are to abstain from everything that is capable of being abused, there is nothing we must not abstain from. Corn, wine, and oil are each good; abstain from wine, and why not from oil and corn, and renounce bread itself, and eat salad raw? or, rather, don't eat it at all, for you may commit excess in grazing:be preached by a hullaballoo? starve and die. If it is commendable and expedient to cry Temperance, like mackerel, why not the other virtues also? Why should not Bands of Charity and Faith as well as Hope-Bands of every Branch of Morals-go about, vociferating their zeal each for its peculiar walk in the paths of rectitude? carrying banners, embroidered with their favourite maxims, and hallooing, Hey for Brotherly Love!" "Three Cheers for Genuine Religion!" "Justice, Truth, and No Mistake!" "Patience and Humility-Nine Times Nine!" No Roguery!" "Away with Envy, Hatred, and Malice!" "Down with All Uncharitableness!" and so on. Wherefore is sobriety alone, of all the soul's graces, to 66 The patrons of the "Band of Hope" very probably mean well in Yet we respect even the absolute repudiation of fermented drink in some measure; but in as far as their intention is to cause the certain cases. It is better to be a teetotaller than a sot: if you must disuse of inebriating drinks, they will in vain seek to accomplish it by as the Band of Hope Review seems to inculcate-be either one or the puerile demonstrations; which, indeed, are rather likely to impel some other. DR. JOHNSON, finding himself unable to be moderate, renounced persons to drink, out of bravado and contempt. They may here and exhilarating liquors altogether; praiseworthily. His example, doubtless, there convert a drunken cobbler-or rather turn his brain, previously has done some good: how much would it have done if he had insti- addled, and transform his delirium tremens to their own frenzy; but gated BOSWELL, not only to follow it, but to perambulate Fleet Street they will disgust and repel every masculine toper. EBENEZER STYLES and the Strand arm-in arm with him, both wearing wreaths of water-will be of their disciples, but not MYNHEER VAN DUNK, or TOBY cresses round their hats, and water-lilies in their button-holes, with a PHILPOTTS, or 'SQUIRE BEESWING, or the venerable DR. TWENTY PORT. VOL. XXI. |