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POOR RELATIONS.

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A POOR Relation is the most irrelevant thing in nature, a piece of impertinent correspondency, — an odious approximation, a haunting conscience, —a preposterous shadow, lengthening in the noontide of your prosperity, - an unwelcome remembrancer, a perpetually recurring mortification, a a more intolerable dun upon

drain on your purse, your pride,

to your rising,

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a drawback upon success,

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a stain in your blood, a blot on

your scutcheon, a rent in your garment, head at your banquet, - Agathocles' pot, a Lazarus at your

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a death's

a Mor

door,

a

a frog in your chamber, a fly

a triumph

decai in your gate, lion in your path, in your ointment, a mote in your eye, to your enemy, an apology to your friends, thing not needful, the hail in harvest, - the ounce

of sour in a pound of sweet.

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He is known by his knock. Your heart telleth you "That is Mr. "A rap, between familiarity and respect; that demands, and, at the same time, seems

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to despair of, entertainment. He entereth smiling, and embarrassed. He holdeth out his hand to you to shake, and draweth it back again. He casually looketh in about dinner time—when the table is full. He offereth to go away, seeing you have company but is induced to stay. He filleth a chair, and your visitor's two children are accommodated at a side table. He never cometh upon open days, when your wife says with some complacency, "My dear, perhaps Mr. will drop in to-day." He remembereth birth-days and professeth he is fortunate to have stumbled upon one. He declareth against fish, the turbot being small yet suffereth himself to be importuned into a slice against his first resolution. He sticketh by the port - yet will be prevailed upon to empty the remainder glass of claret, if a stranger press it upon him. He is a puzzle to the servants, who are fearful of being too obsequious, or not civil enough, to him. The guests think" they have seen him before." Every one speculateth upon his condition; and the most part take him to be a tide-waiter.

He calleth you by your Christian name, to imply that his other is the same with your own. He is too familiar by half, yet you wish he had less diffidence. With half the familiarity he might pass for a casual dependent; with more boldness he would be in no danger of being taken for what he is. He is too humble for a friend, yet taketh on him more state

than befits a client. He is a worse guest than a country tenant, inasmuch as he bringeth up no rent -yet 't is odds, from his garb and demeanour, that your guests take him for one. He is asked to make one at the whist table; refuseth on the score of poverty, and resents being left out. When the company break up, he proffereth to go for a coach and lets the servant go. He recollects your grandfather; and will thrust in some mean, and quite unimportant anecdote of the family. He knew it when it was not quite so flourishing as "he is blest in seeing it now." He reviveth past situations, to institute what he calleth favourable comparisons. With a reflecting sort of congratulation, he will inquire the price of your furniture; and insults you with a special commendation of your window-curtains. He is of opinion that the urn is the more elegant shape, but, after all, there was something more comfortable about the old tea-kettle - which you must remember. He dare say you must find a great convenience in having a carriage of your own, and appealeth to your lady if it is not so. Inquireth if you have had your arms done on vellum yet; and did not know till lately, that such-and-such had been the crest of the family. His memory is unseasonable; his compliments perverse; his talk a trouble; his stay pertinacious; and when he goeth away, you dismiss his chair into a corner, as precipitately as possible, and feel fairly rid of two nuisances.

Her

There is a worse evil under the sun, and that is — a female Poor Relation. You may do something with the other; you may pass him off tolerably well; but your indigent she-relative is hopeless. "He is an old humourist," you may say, "and affects to go threadbare. His circumstances are better than folks would take them to be. You are fond of having a Character at your table, and truly he is one." But in the indications of female poverty there can be no disguise. No woman dresses below herself from caprice. The truth must out without shuffling. "She is plainly related to the Ls; or what does she at their house?" She is, in all probability, your wife's cousin. Nine times out of ten, at least, this is the case. garb is something between a gentlewoman and a beggar, yet the former evidently predominates. She is most provokingly humble, and ostentatiously sensible to her inferiority. He may require to be repressed sometimes- aliquando sufflaminandus erat -but there is no raising her. You send her soup at dinner, and she begs to be helped after the gentlemen. Mr. requests the honour of taking wine with her; she hesitates between Port and Madeira, and chooses the former because he does. She calls the servant Sir; and insists on not troubling him to hold her plate. The housekeeper patronizes her. The children's governess takes upon her to correct her, when she has mistaken the piano for a harpsichord.

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Richard Amlet, Esq., in the play, is a notable instance of the disadvantages, to which this chimerical notion of affinity constituting a claim to acquaintance, may subject the spirit of a gentleman. A little foolish blood is all that is betwixt him and a lady with a great estate. His stars are perpetually crossed by the malignant maternity of an old woman, who persists in calling him "her son Dick." But she has wherewithal in the end to recompense his indignities, and float him again upon the brilliant surface, under which it had been her seeming business and pleasure all along to sink him. All men, besides, are not of Dick's temperament. I knew an Amlet in real life, who, wanting Dick's buoyancy, sank indeed. Poor W was of my own standing at Christ's, a fine classic, and a youth of promise. If he had a blemish, it was too much pride; but its quality was inoffensive; it was not of that sort which hardens the heart, and serves to keep inferiors at a distance; it only sought to ward off derogation from itself. It was the principle of selfrespect carried as far as it could go, without infringing upon that respect, which he would have every one else equally maintain for himself. He would have you to think alike with him on this topic. Many a quarrel have I had with him, when we were rather older boys, and our tallness made us more obnoxious to observation in the blue clothes, because I would not thread the alleys and blind ways of the town with

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