Puz. Now, my Lord, your Lordship is aware that tee-totum is derived from the Latin terms of te and tutum, which means, "Keep yourself safe." And this man, but for my sagacity, observation, and so forth, would have kept himself safe; but now he has, as the learned Lord Verulam expresses it, "let the cat out of the bag."

Mor. I vill take ma oath "I had no cat in my bag."

Puz. My Lord, by his own confession he was about to vend a tee-totum. Now, my Lord, and gentlemen of the jury, it is my duty to point out to you that a tee-totum is an unlawful ma chine, made of ivory, with letters printed upon it, for the purpose of gambling. Now your Lordship knows the act commonly known by the name of "Little go Act," expressly forbids all games of chance whatever, whether put, whist, marbles, swabs, tee-totum, churck-farthing, dumps, or what not. And, therefore, I do contend that the man's evidence is contra bonos mores, and he is consequently non compos testimonæ.

Judge. Counsellor Botherem will now proceed.

Both. My Lord, and gentlemen of the jury, my learned friend Puzzle has, in a most facetious manner, endeavored to cast a slur on the highly honorable evidence of the Jew merchant. And I do contend that he who buys and sells is bona fide inducted into all the mysteries of merchandise; ergo, he who merchandises is, to all intents and purposes, a merchant. My learned friend, in the twistings and turnings of his argument in handling the tee-totum, can only be called obiter dictum; he is playing, my Lord, a losing game. Gentlemen, he has told you the origin, use, and abuse of the tee-totum; but, gentlemen, he has forgot to tell you what that great luminary of the law, the late learned Coke, has said on the subject, in a case exactly similar to this, in the 234th folio volume of the Abridgment of the Statutes, page 1349, where he thus lays down the law in the case of Hazard versus Blacklegs: "Gamblendum consistet, enactum gamblendi, sed non evendum macheni placendi." My Lord, I beg leave to say that if I prove my client was in the act of vending, and not playing with the said instrument, the teetotum, I humbly presume that all my learned friend has said will come to the ground.

Judge. Certainly, brother Botherem, there's no doubt the learned Sergean' is incorrect. The law does not put a man ex

tralegium for merely spinning a tee-totum.

Both. My Lord, one of the witnesses has owned that the pig had a curly tail. Now, my Lord, I presume if I prove the pig had a straight tail, I consider the objection must be fatal.

Judge. Certainly; order the pig into court.-The pig being produced, upon examination is found to have a straight tail.

In summing up the evidence, gentlemen of the jury, it is wholly unnecessary to recapitulate; for the removal of this objection removes all ground of action. And notwithstanding the ancient statute, which says Serium pigum et boreum pigum, et vendi curlum tailum, there is an irrefragable proof, by ocular demonstration, that Goody Grim's grunter had a straight tail, and therefore the prisoner must be acquitted. And really, gentlemen, if the time of the court is to be taken up with these frivolous actions, the designs of justice will be entirely frustrated; and the attorney who recommends this action should be punished, not in the ordinary way, but with the utmost rigor and severity of the law.

CONCLUSION. (Delivered standing.) This affair is thrown into Chancery, and it is expected it will be settled about the end of the year 1954.

MATHEWS.

5. DAVID AND GOLIAH.

Goliah. Where is the mighty man of war, who dares
Accept the challenge of Philistia's chief?
What victor-king, what general drenched in blood,
Claims this high privilege? What are his rights?
What proud credentials does the boaster bring
To prove his claim? What cities laid in ashes,
What ruined provinces, what slaughtered realms,
What heads of heroes, or what hearts of kings,
In battle killed, or at his altars slain,

Has he to boast? Is his bright armory

Thick-set with spears, and swords, and coats of mail
Of vanquished nations, by his single arm
Subdued? Where is the mortal man so bold,
So much a wretch, so out of love with life,
To dare the weight of this uplifted spear?

Come, advance!
Sound, my herald,

Philistia's gods to Israel's.
Sound for the battle straight!
David. Behold thy foe!
Gol. I see him not.
Dav. Behold him here!

Gol. Say, where?

Direct my sight. I do not war with boys.

Dav. I stand prepared; thy single arm to mine.
Gol. Why, this is mockery, minion! it may chance
To cost thee dear.. Sport not with things above thee;
But tell me who, of all this numerous host,

Expects his death from me? Which is the man,
Whom Israel sends to meet my bold defiance ?
Dav. The election of my sovereign falls on me.
Gol. On thee! on thee! by Dagon, 'tis too much!
Thou curled minion! thou a nation's champion!
"Twould move my mirth at any other time;
But trifling's out of tune. Begone, light boy!
And tempt me not too far.

Dav. I do defy thee,

Thou foul idolater! Hast thou not scorned

The armies of the living God I serve?

By me he will avenge upon thy head

Thy nation's sins and thine. Armed with his name,
Unshrinking, I dare meet the stoutest foe

That ever bathed his hostile spear in blood.

Gol. Indeed! 'tis wondrous well! Now, by my gods!

The stripling plays the orator! Vain boy!

Keep close to that same bloodless war of words,

And thou shalt still be safe. Tongue-valiant warrior!
Where is thy sylvan crook, with garlands hung,
Of idle field-flowers? Where thy wanton harp,
Thou dainty-fingered hero?

Now will I meet thee,
Thou insect warrior! since thou darest me thus !
Already I behold thy mangled limbs,
Dissevered each from each, ere long to feed
The fierce, blood-snuffing vulture.

Mark me well!

Around my spear I'll twist thy shining locks,

And toss in air thy head all gashed with wounds.

Dav. Ha! say'st thou so? Come on, then! Mark us well.

Thou comest to me with sword, and spear, and shield!

In the dread name of Israel's God, I come;

The living Lord of Hosts, whom thou defiest!
Yet though no shield I bring; no arms, except
These five smooth stones I gathered from the brook,
With such a simple sling as shepherds use;
Yet all exposed, defenceless as I am,
The God I serve shall give thee up

a prey

To my victorious arm. This day I mean
To make the uncircumcised tribes confess
There is a God in Israel. I will give thee,
Spite of thy vaunted strength and giant bulk,
To glut the carrion kites. Nor thee alone;
The mangled carcasses of your thick hosts
Shall spread the plains of Elah; till Philistia,
Through all her trembling tents and flying bands,
Shall own that Judah's God is God indeed!

I dare thee to the trial!

Gol. Follow me.

In this good spear I trust.

Dav. I trust in heaven!

The God of battles stimulates my arm,
And fires my soul with ardor not its own.

HANNAH MORE.

6. THE INVALID AND THE POLITICIAN.

(Enter Feeble, in his night-gown.)

Quidnunc (without). Hold your tongue, you foolish fellow; he'll be glad to see me. Brother Feeble! brother Feeble! Feeble. I was just going to bed. Bless my heart, what can this man want? I know his voice. I hope no new misfortune brings him at this hour. (Enter Quid.)

Quid. Brother Feeble, I give you joy! the nabob's demolished. Hurrah!

Feeb. Lack-a-day, Mr. Quidnunc! how can you serve me thus ?

Quid. Súraja Dowla is no more! Hurrah!

Feeb. Poor man! he's stark, staring mad.

Quid. Our men diverted themselves with killing their bullocks and their camels, till they dislodged the enemy from the sotagon, and the counterscarp, and the bungalow

Feeb. I'll hear the rest to-morrow morning. Oh! I'm ready to die!

Quid. Odds-heart, man, be of good cheer! The new nabob, Jaffer Alley Cawn, has acceded to a treaty; and the English company got all their rights in the Phiemad and the Fushbulhoornons,

Feeb. But, dear heart, Mr. Quidnunc, why am I to be dis turbed for this?

Quid. We had but two seapoys killed, three chokeys, four gaul-walls, and two zemindars. Hurrah!

Feeb. Would not to-morrow morning do as well for this? Quid. Light up your windows, man!-light up your windows! Chandernagore is taken! Hurrah!

Feeb. Well, well! I'm glad of it. Good night. (Going.) Quid. Here-here's the Gazette."

Feeb. Oh, I shall certainly faint! (Sits down.)

Quid. Ay, ay, sit down, and I'll read it to you.

(Begins to read. Feeble moves away.) Nay, don't run away: I've more news to tell you. There's an account from Williamsburgh, in America. The superintendent of Indian affairs

Feeb. Dear sir! dear sir! (Avoiding him.)

Quid. He has settled matters with the Cherokees (Following him.)

Feeb. Enough, enough! (Moving away.)

Quid. In the same manner he did before with the Catawbas(Following him.)

Feeb. Well, well!—your servant. (Moving off.)
Quid. So that the white inhabitants

(Following him.) Feeb. I wish you would let me be a quiet inhabitant of my own house.

Quid. So that the white inhabitants will now be secured by the Cherokees and Catawbas

Feeb. You better go home, and think of appearing before the commissioners.

Quid. Go home! No, no! I'll go and talk the matter over at our coffee-house. (Going.)

Feeb. Do so, do so!

Quid. (turning back). I had a dispute about the balance of power. Pray, now, can you tell—

Feeb. I know nothing of the matter.

Quid. Well, another time will do for that. I have a great deal to say about that. (Going-returns.) Right! I had like to have forgot. There's an erratum in the last "Gazette." Feeb. With all my heart.

Quid. Page 3, 1st col., 1st and 3d lines, for bombs read booms.

Feeb. Read what you will.

Quid. Nay, but that alters the sense, you know. Well, now, your servant. If I hear any more news, I'll come and tell you. Feeb. For heaven's sake, no more!