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they wouldn't go sneaking and begging for presents, and whining, “Please to PUNCH RIGHT AGAIN FOR THE DERBY!!!

remember the poor prophet, your honour !" They'll all lie, and swear they sent

Blink Bonny, and no other. Not one of them did. Not one of them knew that HOORAY! Hooray!! Hooray!!! Now, my noble patrons and swells, I'll warm she'd been roped for the “Guineas,” and that the spectators were as mad as yer! Haven't I been and done it this time, eh? Brought you through with a wet hatters. Humbugs! Asses! Cheatsi If I were not a gentleman, I'd uso strong finger like a wetteran? Brought you through, sa, like a fiddle, as MR. DICKENS's language about 'em. But I ask one thing, and that is my ultimatum. For your own nigger coachman said: like a fiddle, indeed 1 liko a base viol (only there's nothing sakes never go near any of the swindling idiots, but next time, when you want the base about your humble), or that big thing that SIGNOR BOTTYSINI plays at the hour of your trouble turned into the hour of your glory, Fiddlebarinonic Concerts. How do you find yourselves by this time, my noble swells

REMEMBER PUNCH AND BLINK BONNY! and patrons ? Pretty tollol and bobbish! Well, I should say you were, and that you came to the right shop for racing inforination. Didn't I always tell you that if you were not on the look out for lodgings in Bedlam, or the other fashionable retreat at Hanwell, you must keep clear of those advertising humbugs, with their hints and

ODE TO THE PRINCESS ROYAL. their howls, and their tips and their prophecies, and come to me. Well, you have kept clear of 'em and their three pair backs, and their dens in the slums, and their

DAUGHTER OF ENGLAND, just about to wed offensive slang and familiarity (which I hate and despise), and you bave come to me

The Prussian youngster-blessings on your head ! my bobcuffins; me, the only true and lawful prognosticator and prophet. And

When your Mamma-Time spins so fast awaywhat's come of it, my tulips, what's come of it, I ask you, my noble-minded trumps

Was married, seems but just the other day. and Trojans ? Why, that you've all made your fortunes on this Derby. You know

Perhaps she will, in quite as short a space, it, and you are all saying to me "Here's towards you, my boy," and your boy

Have a granddaughter in her daughter's case. answers as affable as a hedgehog, "Same to you, and many of 'em."

I say, so be it! What did I write to you all on Saturday the 28th of March last as over was? Take

May we all live to see it, down your Punch, and look back to that date—the 28th of March, weeks and works

And to see yet more ago. In Punch for that day, and no other whatsomever-left-hand column of loft

That we may roar, hand page-you will find these words :-



May you enjoy no end of happy life,

Have a good husband and prove a good wife!
Now then. Is there any deception? Are the words there or not? Of course they
are. There was my Tip, for which I only charged you threepence (country folks

Parliamentary Wonder. fourpenco,) while the dirtiest snob of an advertising fellow would not send you one During beautiful weather, such as we have lately had, a question of his tobacco-smelling, rum-smeared missives, made up of humbug and chall , and continually occurring to most minds is, how long is this likely

to last ? giving you three or four horses, for less than five bob. For threepence you have Just so in reading the Parliamentary debates which have hitherto, becoine rich coves. That was my advice : to take the odds which you could then since the opening of the new Parliament, been mostly of so pleasant a get, and wait. And where was my Mare on Wednesday, the 27th of May? Suave length, one feels impelled to ask, how long will the speeches in the Mari magno, and she is a great and a sweet mare, and no error. Woll, I congratulate you, my noble patrons and swells. We've been and done it, House of Commons continue thus agreeably short? The longer

they as I forcibly remarked. All is serene. Keep your hands off your cheque books. i remain short the better ; in the meanwhile their brevity may be condon't want any of your winnings, like the advertising scoundrels. I've pocketed a sidered as a hopeful symptom of considerate and merciful feeling on pretty pot of my own, which they never do, for all their wonderful information, or the part of the legislature, likely to cause benevolent legislation.

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they, will get the credit of it. We are all quite aware they do not THE DELIGHTS OF SPRING.

keep a man-cook, and have not a range of stoves and a batterie de

cuisine capable of turning out four entrées, to say nothing of the two A SONG BY A VEGETARIAN.

soups, and two fishes, and the rest of the dinner. It is no secret to SPRING's delights are now returning,

any of us that tomorrow our host and hostess will be dining conSee where sprouts the crisp seakale;

tentedly off a leg of mutton not over-well roasted. For their real cook Early greens and cauliflowers

is of the plainest description. Of course, if one falls back on a GALANNow command a ready sale.

TINE, whenever one gives a dinner, it is of no consequence-to people

of the Kotoo order—what sort of an artist one has at home. Her Vegetarians now rejoicing

incapacity only affects the three hundred dinners we eat by ourselves Asparagus again may dress;

in the conrse of the year. For the ten days per annum on which we And fewer doubts of what's for dinner

give dinners our cook is the great GALANTINE, who has seen the breakNeed their anxious minds distress.

down of two clubs, and survived the smash of six lordly establishments, They who fondly dote on pudding

to which his grand style of carrying on his part of the war in the With joy the new-born rhubarb see,

kitchen not a little contributed. He despises his present calling, and And greater rapture hails the budding

looks on himself as a sort of culinary NAPOLEON. This suburb is his of the prickly gooseberrie.

Elba. He amuses himself by planning these bourgeois dinners, as

the Emperor did by drilling his one battalion in the rocky MediterNow returns the green cucumber,

ranean islet. But his heart is not in his work; and, to tell the truth, That with nightmare doth distress;

the dinners he sends out are unworthy of him—very grand to look at, While for those in peace who'd slumber

and very costly to pay for, but very bad to eat. GALANTINE also has Springs anew the simple cross.

stooped to the vile worship of appearances, which poisons the neigh

bourhood. He knows he is part of a system of shows and shams, and Now in large yet penny bunches

has become false even to his own noble art-going for verdicts to the Radishes again are seen:

eye and the pocket, but allowing judgment to be entered against him And the lettuce tempts to lunches

by the palate and farces, his true judges. At the shops of grocers green.

“Hark! GALANTINE's cart has driven off at last. If you had not Let other bards in rhyme discover

heard it, you might have guessed the moment by the lighting of Męs. Joys that other seasons bring;

Koroo's eye. She was anxiously listening for the sound of the wheels, I, a vegetable lover,

for the weight of the flagging conversation is rapidly growing too great Tell the pleasures of the Spring.

for anybody to bear up under. Even Kotoo, dreary and ungenial and hollow as he is, feels flatter than usual, and pumps up his pompous

nothings with visible effort. The Reviewer is using up all the stock Yar sparvergrass

of anecdotes he had laid in to last out the whole dinner, and the rival Mammas bave emptied their quivers of sharp things. FLAUNTER has subsided into the moody contemplation of his own difficulties, and even bloated PENNYBOY has collapsed. Pairing the males and females of the party was a resource that diverted us all for a little from brooding on our melancholy position. But when every man had becn July led up to the lady consigued to him by MRS. KOToo, 'to take down to dinner,' and had made his bow, and had felt he had nothing to say-as how should he, to a person he never met before, and knows no earthly thing about the dreariness was probably even more apparent than it had seemed while we were standing about indiscriminately.

“The males of the party had gathered into knots, as far off the females as possible, and had found topics more or less mutually intelli, gible if not interesting. There are always politics to talk about-and most men feel some interest in the money-market, and about the Derby Day you are tolerably safe with a little mild Turf intelligence,

“But now that we were distributed two and two, like the creatures coupled for the Ark, most of us, I may add, as dumb as they,-the situation was rapidly becoming untenable, when GALANTINE'S head man, who acts groom of the chambers with GALANTINE's dinners, throwing open the drawing-room door with a magnificence of manner which made the Kotoos blush and feel humble at the very gorgeousness of their own imposture, announced that dinner was served.

"But before we sit down to our prandial punishment, let me say one word on the subject of this ante-prandial pairing. Of course, while dinner-parties continue to be composed as they so often are now.

a-days, on the Koroo principle—that is on considerations quite indeTHE SOCIAL TREAD-MILL. No. 6. pendent of the pleasure likely to be given or received-it is very little

matter how any nian or woman, out of a dozen men and women who "ARRIVP as late as you will at the Koroos, you always have to wait a don't know anything or care anything about each other, may be coupled. good while before dinner is announced. With parties composed as theirs Where boredom is the sure fate of all, what consequence a degree invariably are, under a profoundly mistaken sense

of social

duty-either more or less of the infliction ? on the give-and-take, or mutual' principle, as it is called in advertise “But let me ask the small—though I hope increasing-phalanx ments of third-rate schools, or on the simple snobbish principle of wealth of honest and genial souls who are content to invite people to dinner worship or title-worship, or on the lion-hunting principle, to which, as a because they love them, or at least like them so well that they literary gent, I owe most of my invitations to dimmer, or on all these three are happier for seeing thein, whether this habit of ticking off their principles together-you may imagine the half-hour in the drawing-room guests two and two, is ever desirable ? I am inclined to think is not particularly genial. How can such parties be good for mixing ! it is not. It seems to be giving the two a peculiar claim upon each A very energetic and courageous guest-this time it was the popular other. Social monopolies are as bad as trading ones. Everybody author-may, by a galvanic effort, produce a short fit of general con- in a party should belong to everybody else in the party. Talk round a versation, as you may mix oil and vinegar by a violent sudden shaking dinner-table should be common, and not confidential. If you want of the cruet. Bụt just as these soon resettle into their separate strata, confidences choose tête-à-tétes for them. If there is wit or wisdom so do we, returning each to his own unsocial muttons. This weary going, all should share it. If folly or imbecility or ill-nature want delay is due to the suburban GUNTER who supplies the dinner. If you vent, at least don't let them shelter themselves under a whisper. I arrived late, you saw his light covered cart at the door. Five minutes should say, therefore, for my own part - no coupling before dinner. earlier you would have seen the flat green boxes disappearing down the Let the lady of the house show the way, and let the guests follow her area-steps

in a pleasant, unceremonious group, on the understanding, of course, “I wonder it never occurs to the Kotoos that nine out of ten of that the sexes are to be dove-tailed at table. But above all, let the their guests have probably detected the cart and green boxes in table be a round one. Without this there is no true sociability question-that, be their entertainment never so gorgeous, MR. GALAN- possible. The best that can come of an oblong table is a series of TINE--who supplies breakfasts, dinners, and suppers, flowers and rout- agreeable téle-à-têtes. But then if the pleasantest couples are put seats included, at so much per head, for two miles round—and not together, how unfair that is to the rest of the party. And if the

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pleasantest people are not coupled together, how unfair that is to the pleasant people. Your round table is the only true social alms

STANZAS TO SOAPEY SAM. dish, into which every one present flings his contribution towards the pleasure of the feast-from the ten talents of the SIDNEY SMITH of

Tell me, Bishop, tell me why, your party, if you are lucky enough to have one, down to the widow's

If you had your little will, mite of the timidest and gentlest lady present–a little laugh, perhaps,

You'd keep bound, in cruel tie, or happy look, thrown in at the right moment, and of immeasurable

Injured spouse and false wife still ? value sometimes.

Why oppose LORD CRANWORTH's Bill? As all the rays of light converge in the focus of a lens, so all the fun, geniality, kindliness, and wisdom of your guests will converge in

From a loathed and guilty mate, the centre of the round-table, and pleasure and enjoyment and intelli

Why refuse a man divorce, gence will radiate thence till they permeate the party, and people will

Ruthless of his horrid state, be astonished to find how agreeable and cheery and chatty and good,

Which your priestly laws enforce; humoured they are, somehow. My two theories, then, of 'no pairing.'

Union with a moral corse? and the round table' go together. But I must say I hold them both of vital importance to the true enjoyment of a social dimer.

Do you fear that common sense “But what is this? I am off the Social Tread-mill. The fact is,

'Gainst your dogmas will rebel, that a sufferer naturally wanders into sunny social speculations in thic

And if you, of high pretence, ten minutes allowed for refreshment, just as the gaol convicts, I have

Give an inch, will take an ell ? no doubt, stray away in fancy to pleasant public houses, or delightfully

Ah! I don't expect you'll tell. criminal beer-shops, in their hourly ten minutes respite from their cranks and mills. But I must mount the wheel again, with the Kotoo

In a bad old canon law, chain-gang. We are just sitting down-at such a gorgeous table !

Do you see a little prop. It is bedizened with flowers - à la Russe—and so long, that conversation

To your fabric—which withdraw, between the ends can only be carried on, I should think, by help of a

And the edifice will drop ? speaking-trumpet. Luckily Kotoo and bis wife bave the marital

Are you fighting for the Shop. telegraph of the eye. It will be hard worked during this dinner, I am certain. We have sat down-solemnly. Pray for us, oh reader!”

Were't now first proposed to free

Until now enslaved Dissent,
Would you not, my Bishop, be

With the measure “non content ?":

Say, my Peer of Parliament.
HE POPE's tour through-

Had you lived in other days,
out the Roman states has,

Question being, That no more of course, been attended

Faggots should in Smithfield blaze,
with some absurd incidents.

You'd have urged, of holy lore,
For example :-

For the bonfires, what a store !
At Terni he visited the large
foundry of that place, where
several medals with the effigies
of the Saviour, the Virgin, and
the Apostles Peter and Paul,

were cast in his presence."

We think the umbrella can be taken as a very good test of a person's What extremely bad character. The man who always takes an umbrella out with him, is taste! Out for a holiday, a cautious fellow, who abstains from all speculation, and is pretty sure the Pope must have been to die rich. The man who is always leaving his umbrella behind him, naturally desirous of seeing is one, generally, who makes no provision for the morrow. He is and hearing as little as pos. reckless, thoughtless, always late for the train, leaves the street-door sible of the shop, and no open when he goes home late at night, and absent to such a degree as body possessed of the least to speak ill of a baby in the presence of its Mamma. The man who is delicacy. would have both: always losing his umbrella is an unlucky dog, whose bills are always ered his Holiness with protested, whose boots split, whose gloves crack, whose buttons are images. Good manners always coming off, whose change” is sure to have some bad money

would forbid the slightest in it. Be cautious how you lend a thousand pounds to such a man! allusion to that subject in the presence of the Roman Pontiff, precisely The man, who is perpetually, expressing, a nervous anxiety about as they would prohibit any gentleman from talking to a shoemaker, bis umbrella, and wondering if it is safe, is full of meanness and low away from business, about bristles and cobbler's-wax. To proceed :- suspicions, with whom it is best not to play at cards, nor drink a bottle

When about to leave that place, some young men of the best families offered to of wine. He is sure to suspect you are cheating him, or that you take the horses off his carriage, and to draw it, but this he would not allow."

are drinking more than your share. Let him be ever so rich, give not Here was a case of good taste on the part of the Pope, which it is your daughter to him; he will undoubtedly take more care of pleasing to notice. Le preferred horses to donkeys. Át Spoleto a his umbrella than of his wife. The man with a cotton umbrella is mistake, similar to that committed at Terni, was made by the autho- either a philosopher or an economist; he defies the world and all its rities, who stuck up, right in his way, before the cathedral, “ a large fashionable prejudices, or else he does it because it is cheaper to lose wooden column surmounted by the statue of the Immaculate Virgin.' than a silk one. The man who goes to the Horticultural Féte without No doubt the POPE wonders when he shall hear the last of his new an umbrella, is simply a fool, who richly deserves the ducking dogma. The muffs who paid him the left-handed compliment last he gets. mentioned received a just reward for their polite attention :

On alighting, he proceeded on foot to the Cathedral, and thence to the Episcopal Palace, where he admitted all the authoritios to the honour of kissing his slippor.

A WARRIOR IN ARMS. The Giornale di Roma, whence we derive the foregoing particulars, does not state whether or no, when the Pope gave the authorities of that it composed a work the very day that it was born. The last addition

MENTION is made in Tristram Shandy of an infant so precocious, Spoleto his slipper to kiss, his foot was in the slipper. We suppose, to the domestic happiness of the ÉMPEROR OF Russia

appears to be however, that to make the favour the more gracious, and the more suitable, as a repayment somewhat in kind of the civility which he had some such another little prodigy; for among continental intelligence received from them-his Holiness did put his foot in it.

we find it recorded that,

"A letter from St. Petersburg, of the 15th, states that the new-born Grand Duke

has been named Chief of the 2nd Battalion of Riflemen of Infantry of Tobolsk." Fire Insurance.

What a big baby must we suppose the new-born Grand Duke to be, MADAME CORNICHON (née SIMPLE), after reading the accounts of or what little soldiers must we imagine the Tobolsk Riflemen! On the fire-proof_dresses as lately tried with so much success by the the latter supposition, it will perhaps be surmised that the head Pompiers at Paris, ordered a gown, bonnet, veil, and an entire set of quarters of that Infantry Regiment are situated up-stairs. under-linen to be expressly made for her, and, upon being pressed for her reason for so strange an order, said, with the greatest naïveté, "Why the world, you know, is to be consumed by the Comet on the Young SPRAWLER’s notion of Café au lait is — breakfasting in 13th of June, and I've no idea of being burnt to death."


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