SIXTY YEARS OF THE LIFE

OF

JEREMY LEVIS.

BOOK SIXTH.

CHAPTER I.

Palsanguenne, vlà un Médecin qui me plaît ; je pense qu'il réussira, car il est bouffon.

Le Médecin malgré lui.

"HERE's the doctor, sir! here's the doctor! Now you'll see! None of your little, wrinkled, black-faced Spaniards, that are as good as a dose of jolop for a well body only to look at ; he'll cure you in less than no time, sir.-Walk in, Doctor."

This was said by good Mrs. Ptisan, my English nurse, as she opened the door of my sick chamber to let in the man of squirts. And how was this? Why, I had scarcely been three months at Cumana, before every body began to discover that I was in a very bad way. I was emaciated, and subject to fits of deep dejection, which, though they found it very easy to rouse me from them, would invariably return the moment the excitement ceased. It could be owing to nothing but the climate-O, nothing in

the world but the climate-which did not agree with Mr. Levis's northern complexion. Thus I was obliged to run the gantlet of their kind inquiries and commiserations till I was fairly driven for refuge into bed. My good. natured persecutors then persuaded me, in the very teeth of my reason, to give myself over to the hands of a brace of Spanish leeches, who, as Mrs. Ptisan very accurately described them, were 66 as good as a dose of jolop for a well body only to look at." These gentlemen did all in their power to rid me of my complaints, by ridding me of every material on which the said complaints could act― which was certainly proceeding on philosophical principles. They starved me till you might have made a drum-head of my stomach, bled me till my arteries would have sold for fiddle-strings, and dosed me till my cœcum was a mere bag-pipe, my colon fit for nothing but a serpent, and my rectum, the most fundamental part of the whole establishment, forgot its Janus character to solely act French-horn. I believe they would have furnished a complete orchestra with my body, but not relishing the overture, I one day, in a fit of despair, put my hand under the valance, and threatened the musical gentlemen very significantly, that, if they did not instantly leave the room, I would beat such a tatoo upon their craniums that their olfactory nerves should tingle ever afterwards at the mere sight of earthenware,-besides obliging them to swallow their own mixtures. The licentiates, terrified, especially at the latter part of this threat, which they knew if put into practice would render them fit subjects for a post-mortem examination, thought proper to decamp, displaying in their retreat the most beautiful demonstration of the power of the gastrocnemiac muscles I have ever witnessed. Relieved from these blood-suckers, I was about to leap from the bed, and devour the first eatable I could lay my hands on, in order to supply the necessary juices for future horse-flies; but my nurse, who was really a kind-hearted fool of an animal, exclaimed, with tears in

her eyes, that it would certainly be the death of me, and begged me to let her send for an English physician who had lately made several important cures,-" Not," added Mrs. Ptisan, "but that some people do manage to give him the slip; but then, it is not his fault, for he does every thing he can to prevent their dying easily." So I suffered myself to be once more fooled, and the physician was sent for. "Walk in, Doctor," said my nurse.

In entered the acting partner of the long-established firm of Mors, Morbus, & Medicus. The curtains at the windows being closed, and the day very near its decline, I could not distinguish his features as I lay upon my back; but I observed that his step displayed the gravity becoming in undertakers and physicians, and that his abdomen was of a rotundity which could never have been produced by feeding on antimony and ipecacuanha.

The doctor seated himself at the head of my bed, crossed one leg carefully above the other, rolled up his cuffs with great deliberation,—and the farce commenced. "Let me feel your pulse, sir.-Hum!-ha!- let me see. My dear sir, you are very sick indeed. For, as Hippocrates says-thus translated, in the able commentary of Ludovicus Duretus "In Coacas Hippocrati,”—' Qui cum lassitudine, caligine, vigiliis, cwmate, sudatiuncula, æstu incandescunt, pessimè ægrotant.' Or, if you would prefer it in the original Greek, Κοπιώδεις, αχλυώδεις, ἄγ ξυπνοι, κωματώδεις, ἐφιδ

"But, Doctor, there is no need of all this learning to tell me what I know already; I'd much rather have your opinion than that of Hippocrates."

"Than that of Hippocrates!-I don't thank you for the compliment at all, sir. Why, sir, we should all be dead had not Hippocrates lived; for, as that divine old man of Cos remarks, Εν πυρετοῖσι, κοιλίης ἐμφυ

"Psha, Doctor, let us to the point at once; I am not child enough to relish this parade."

But," continued the steward of Death, no ways moved by what I had said, “ κοιλίης ἐμφυσωμένης, πνεῦμα μὴ διεκπίπ

"O, for God's sake, have done, Doctor! Why, you're worse than my father, who used to crowd his sermons with Greek and Latin to such a degree, that even the village schoolmaster declared he was puzzled ;-he believed, he said, he knew as much of the ancient languages as Parson Levis, but he never could find room to thrust them in on all occasions, and Peleg Cordery was no

"Peleg Cordery?" screamed the disciple of Hippo. crates, "Ha!-Parson Levis ?-it can't be !- By G-, but it must be though! Nurse, draw the curtains.

Ah, Jerry my boy! don't you know me? your old schoolmate, Harry Smith? Damme, if I a'n't glad to see you!"-and the burly doctor wrung my hand with such ludicrous energy, that I knew not whether most to scream at his sudden appearance, laugh at his unprofessional hilarity, or roar at the pain he inflicted. "Devilish glad to see you!" he repeated, again wringing my hand, with a cordiality excessively considerate to his patient.

"Not sick, I hope, Doctor? in spite of your business." "Sick?- -Nurse, leave us a little while; I will knock with my foot when I want you, my excellent Mrs. Ptisan. -There. Sick! Ha, ha, ha! Why, Jerry, I suppose I shall now have as hard work to persuade you you're well!-Get up! Out of bed this instant! I'll cure you!" "But, Doctor, did you not say just now that I am very sick? Pessime-mind you that."

Here the

"Sick! No more sick than learned pill-roller used an expression, which, from the reverence due to that grave body, the physicians, I beg leave to omit. 66 Why, don't you know we must fit ourselves to all the whims of our patients? Lord G-, man ! if I were to tell every one I visited how little he needed my services, I should starve-starve, sir, completely!

Why, Jerry, I thought you'd more sense. Your uncle was the only man I ever knew fool enough to tell his patients the truth. Curse me, if I know how he became so rich!-But get up, man. O, I'm so glad to see you! Do you remember how we curried old Cordery's hide? Ha, ha! how the old rascal roared! By the Lord, I shall never forget it as long as I live. And what became of Hazard, heh? drowned, shot, hung, or what heh? -But, bless me, I forget in my joy what I came for;-out of bed, man-out of bed, this instant! You're no more sick than I am—not a bit more! out of bed, I say! Here's a hand for you.-So."

I had never felt myself sick, except while actually under the teeth of my Spanish leeches; therefore, Smith's words seemed to restore me at once to all my strength, and I began to relish his good-humour. "Oh!" I groaned, as if it pained me to rise, "Softly, good Doctor, softly. Ah!— I'm afraid you'll be the death of me; for, as the learned Ludovicus Duretus remarks, in his commentary "In Coacas Hippocrati," 'Qui cum lassitudine, caligine,' and so on, 'pessimè ægrotant.'-Oh! pessimè, Doctor-pessimè !"

Bravo, Jerry! I see your'e the same merry rogue that administered the carminative to Peleg through his epidermis. But no more of your nonsense; leave Hippocrates to the devil, with all other imposters. Up with you, man; I long to embrace you. Up, up!"

"Oh, oh, Doctor! not so fast; you know, I am a very sick man; for as Hippocrates has it, in the original Greek

"

"Psha! No more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me.'-Why Lord, Levis! you may thank your stars that you lighted on an old friend so opportunely-it has saved you from a world of puking and purging-and God knows but from death itself. That's right! Now dress yourself. Why, man, to tell you the truth-if my joy had not made me forget myself, I believe I should have kept you in bed a week longer for the honour of the profesVOL. II.

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