-

I swear, I believe she could have done the same feat as Milo and the wife of Minos did,-have carried a bull upon her back. Her face was equally delicate with her figure. The forehead was flat, wrinkled, and pimpled; the eyebrows met one another, with a closeness of affection that would have delighted Daphnis himself*; the eye (-she had but one-) was a cameo formed of a chocolate-drop upon a ground of lemon-candy; the nose was as long as the bill of a woodcock,- so sharp, that its owner might have used it to pierce eyelet holes, and so modest, that it was always suffused at the tip with a crimson blush ; and the mouth, resembling in shape and relative proportion that of a frog, was richly tufted on the upper lip with something of a more decided shade than lanugo.-The second week after our marriage, my wife began to show her mettle. She thought nothing of boxing my ears, and would kick me with so little mercy, that once, when she had lifted her foot to bestow the dishonouring application, I seized it by the heel, in my own defence, and overset her on the floor, whereupon, I was obliged to pass the night at a neighbour's house, for fear of being murdered. To tell the truth, Mrs. Smith wore the breeches in every department except my practice. And well she might; for she drank like a man, swore like a man, took snuff like a man, and, though she did not exactly chew, (scilicet, tobacco,) spit like a man, and she scorned the use of handkerchiefs. Indeed, once, coming upon her suddenly by chance, I actually discovered that she usurped the manly prerogatives as much as the Egyptian women of old, of whom Herodotus gives us the curious piece of information,ουρέουσι αἱ μὲν γυναῖκες ὀρθαι. Susan was very fond of cider. Happening one afternoon to be in the cellar, when no pitcher was handy, she took the barrel on her knee, and drank at the bung,- while I, (who was with her at the time,) could only stand by in silent

* THEOC.--Idyll. 8. 72.

envy of her capacity.* The consequence of this wholesale method of doing business was that Susan became somewhat fuddled, and, a half an hour afterwards, pass. ing by a table whereon I was preparing a dose of arsenic for a man that wanted his father's lands, she staggered against it, and throwing down a bottle of laudanum, made such a mixture of the two kinds of food as I did not want. Enraged at this, I so far forgot the lessons she had taught me as to threaten to turn her out of doors, and, the next minute, Mrs. Smith was in full chace of his flying better half. The back door of the house consisted of two parts, of which the lower was then closed. I had my hand upon the latch, and was about to open it, when the lady came up, and seizing me by the waistband of my breeches, saved me the trouble by lifting me over as she would a kitten.* 'There!' she spluttered, as I bounced upon the hard ground, You'll turn me out of doors, will ye! Learn to spell able first, you pot-bellied son of a b' For two years I led this quiet life with my beloved, having all my fleshly desires gratified-as far as thumps, and kicks, and scratches could effect so desirable a point,-when, one dark night, the cider-soaker took it into her head to appease her thirst in a neighbouring mill-pond, and, drinking rather too freely, never came out again. So, as her father was yet living, my pail of milk was dashed to the ground, and the eggs and chickens, (otherwise, cows and pastures,) went to the devil,—to seek my wife, I suppose.-Disgusted with the transitory nature of all human happiness, I left the scene of my departed joys, without a tear, (for, alas! excess of grief had dried my lachrymal ducts,) and carrying with me no other proofs of increased estate from marriage than sundry deeds of fee in tail, subscribed, in large blue characters, with the sign pedal of Susan Udderbagg. A friend of mine was, at this time, about to leave his native land to

** Facts, without the least exaggeration.

settle in South America. He spoke of the huge fortune which he expected to amass in a very few months, men. tioned that there was a great want of good physicians in the New World, and that therefore a man of my extra. ordinary abilities would be sure to succeed

In a word, he wanted a companion; and the consequence is, that I am now here, blessed with very good practice, and the largest belly of any man in Cumana."

"And no more likely to be tempted by fat cows and green pastures."

tor.

"Tempted!" exclaimed, or rather screamed, the Doc"O, if ever I marry again!" and the Doctor bit his lip, to show the earnestness of his resolution."Well, Jerry, what say you now? Don't you think I'm right to enjoy the only bequest my angel left me,- viz. the privilege of abusing every thing that wears petticoats?”

"Not at all. There is a wide difference, I should say, between bathing in stagnant water and washing one's self in the Manzanares. Your Susan was something like the tail of one of her own cows, too thick with nastiness for any one but a cowboy to handle; but my Beatriz!

"O, dea certè !' Well, man, I believe it is your fate to be always dangling at some woman's apron-string ; and so, for old friendship's sake,

memor

Actæ non alio rege puer'tiæ,
Mutatæque simul togæ,

remembering that we were once fellow-sufferers under the ferula, and had the pleasure of turning ourselves out of school together, I'll do my best to restore you to leading-strings. Clout, I'm going now to your mistress." "What?"

"O, true! I did not tell you, my mooncalf, that your Beatriz, when she so cunningly insisted on my leaving her to visit her lover, added, with equal cunning, that the

Doctor might stop on his return and see how she did that is, tell her how the poor gentleman was doing."

“Smith !— And why did you not tell me this before?" "'Gad, I've too much sense for that! I knew you'd pop me off in an instant, and I wanted to stay and talk a little with you first. But make yourself easy,- I'm now about to commence my practice as physician in ordinary, and something else, in ordinary, to their royal majesties, King Jeremy and Queen Beatrice. Good night,

man.

“Do hasten, Harry. Tell Beatriz that I shall soon recover,― tell her that I'm doing very well,- that I'm perfectly well."

"Yes. Good night."

"And remember, Harry, observe how she looks when you speak about me."

"Yes, yes. Good night."

"And don't forget,

me to the parents"

--

if you can put in a good word for

"Yes, yes, yes! Good night." "And".

"O! sh, sh, sh,- stop crying, deary,- stop it now,or mama will whip it, so she will.- Damme, man, if you've a mind to play the fool, you shall never complain of being wise for want of a friend. Good night."

And, rolling from side to side, like one of his favourite animals when descending a hill, the widower of Susan Udderbagg trundled his belly from the apartment.

CHAPTER VII.

It has deceived thee.

Pen. O no! for twice it call'd, so loudly call'd,
With horrid strength, beyond the pitch of nature!
And Murder! Murder! was the dreadful cry.

A third time it return'd, with feeble strength;

But o' the sudden ceas'd, as tho' the words
Were smother'd rudely in the grappled throat;
And all was still again

De Montfort.

THAT accidents, which at first sight wear the colour of misfortunes, often turn out to be real benefits, is an observation as trite as the pen of every novelist can render it, and one most amply heaped with illustrations,-if the accumulated grains of every man's experience can make a heap. Had not the interview at the Indian cabin terminated as it did, I might never have gained possession of Beatriz; but now, moved by revenge for the attempted assassination of his daughter, urged moreover by Smith's representations in my favour, and by anxiety for the character of Beatriz, which the breath of scandal was already beginning to sully, Don Cesar consented to receive me as his son-in-law, vice De Mulo resigned.

It was settled, that the marriage should take place immediately on my recovery. In the mean time, I was loaded with civilities by the different members of the Creole family. Don Cesar and his male relatives paid me regular visits of ceremony; and Donna Melindrosa was constantly sending to my lodgings presents of preserved fruits, and other confections, which my medical attendant as constantly ate up, remarking that he had no objections to act as Mercury wherever it promoted the procreation of sweatmeats. Of course, under these circumstances,