Arminian Magazine, For SEPTEMBER 1796. REASONS FOR METHODISM. [ Concluded from page 375. ] SECTION V. Of my own Experience in Religious Matters. I Come now to treat of the most interesting part of my subject. I am aware that the account I am about to give of what I call my own experience, will be viewed by different people in different lights. The greater part will look upon me as an enthufiaft; fome, who have my interest at heart, and whom, next to God, I believe it my duty to reverence and obey, will regard me perhaps with an eye of pity, and be forry that I should have expofed myself, as they think, to the ridicule of the world; fome may be apt to charge me with prefumption, whilft others, who have experienced fimilar convictions themselves, will rejoice and congratulate me on the occafion, and hail me as a friend and brother in Jefus Christ. In my firft Letter I gave an account of the reafons which in duced me to embrace the Chriftian Religion as a Revelation from God. In my fecond Letter and the former part of this, I have affigned my motives for uniting myfelf with the fociety of Methodists. I fhall now attempt to defcribe, as concifely as poffible, the flate of my mind, and the convictions I at different times experienced, from the period that I began to think seriously, to the prefent moment. And may that God, who knows I cannot deceive him, and that I have no intention to deceive others, affift me in writing the words of foberness and truth! And if He vouchsafe to render these letters inftrumental in the converfion of a fingle foul, I fhall efteem my time ufefully employed, and my labour well rewarded. It was about the middle of September, when I began to have any very serious impreffions. For fome time before, I had often been uneafy and discontented in my mind; I was never comfortable when alone; and when I went into company, I still found a fomething wanting to render fociety perfectly agreeable and congenial to my own tafte.. The general topics of converfation appeared to me rather frivolous and uninftructive. I did not find that enjoyment in the amufements of life, which others who partook in them appeared to do, and many of them were fucVOL. XIX. Sept. 1796. ceeded I had more pleasure fre ceeded with difappointment and regret. quently in the anticipation, than I realized in the poffefsion of the objects in view. And when I came to reflect deliberately on the manner I was fpending my time, and the little fatisfaction which it afforded me, I felt a confcioufnefs of having acted wrong, and made refolutions to reform. But making them in my own ftrength, and relying on my own natural exertions to accomplish them, they were to no purpose, and the least temptation coming in the way, plunged me afresh into thofe very follies, I had a little before determined to renounce. Thus it is that the light of nature and the efforts of unaffifted reafon, are but feeble barriers, when oppofed to the influence of cuftom, and the power of temp tation. Finding, however, lefs and lefs fatisfaction in the course I was purfuing, I mixed lefs frequently with the world, avoided its amufements, and spent the greatest part of my leifure time in private. Solitude foon became no longer irkfome; my books were my companions, and my own thoughts my delight. I found myfelf happier in proportion as I fecluded myfelf from company. I could think of nothing with fatisfaction but Religion, and all converfation, which had not this for its object, appeared to me dry and uninterefting. I began to pray earnestly that God would enlighten my underflanding, that he would remove my doubts. and fears, and establish my faith on a fure and folid foundation. Some fermons which I heard about this time, together with feveral converfations which I had upon religious fubjects with different people, ftimulated me in my defires after truth. I grew more fond of retirement: Reading, meditation, private praver, focial worship, and the company of a religious friend, conffituted my higheft felicity. I was anxious to redeem the time I had fo fhamefully fquandered away, and to devote the rest of my days to the fervice of my God, and the good of my fellow creatures. The Bible was my peculiar ftudy, I perufed it with delight and improvement. The more I read, the more clearly I faw my own ignorance, my own inability to help myself, and the finfulness of my paft conduct. But I difcovered likewife a way open for the remiffion of fins, and that the blood of Jefus Chrift cleanfeth from all unrighteousness. I faw the neceffity of becoming a new creature in Chrift; that without faith I could not please God; and that without Divine Grace I could not perform the Divine Will. I was fenfible of my want of faith: The fear of man, and the power of fin, though fomewhat diminifhed, fill reigned unfubdued in my heart: and though I felt no relifh for the pleasures I had formerly indulged in, I did not yet experience that inward peace and joy which the Scripture affures us is the privilege of the righteous. I continued to go to church on a Sunday, when opportunity occurred, and to the Methodist chapel as often as I could. I was much aflifted by the prayers of my friends as well as my own; and amongst other books which I read, I think it my my duty to mention one in particular, which was remarkably profitable to me; and that was Mr. Fletcher's Appeal to Matter of Fact and Common Senfe. My mind now became uncommonly active; ideas crouded in upon me so fast, and in fuch fucceffion, as almoft to banish sleep; I could not bear to fit long at table during meals, I lived very temperately, and notwithstanding the prefent agitated state of my fpirits, I went through my business, with eafe and alacrity. I cannot fay that I had yet any diftinct affurance of the forgiveness of my fins and acceptance with God; but I felt an indefcribable conviction in my mind that he would pardon me, and receive me into his favour, and adopt me as his child, before he took me hence. This conviction was an unfpeakable fource of comfort and happiness to me. I prayed more fervently than ever, and my thoughts were almoft continually directed to Heaven and heavenly things. But the time now approached when my hopes were more than realized, my expectations more than anfwered. Mr. Gibbons, one of our Preachers, calling at a house where I was vifit ing, after fome converfation had paffed, went as ufual to prayer. My mind was affected in a remarkable manner during the whole time I was upon my knees. I felt what I cannot exprefs; I was overpowered, I fcarce knew with what; I was agitated with alternate emotions of fear and hope, of forrow and of joy. When the prayer was concluded, I wept bitterly; I fhed tears; but they were the tears of joy. Gratitude and love absorbed every other feeling I faw as it were, the fins of my whole life, fet in array before me, and at the very fame inftant all blotted out in the blood of the Lamb. I faw myfelf freely juftified: I was enabled to look up to God as a reconciled father; and I felt the Spirit itself bearing witness with my fpirit that I was a child of God, Rom. viii. 16. "Praise the Lord, O my foul, and all that is within me praise his holy name," was the conftant language of my heart. I was indeed born again; old things were paffed away, all things were become new. Every doubt and every fear vanifhed; my faith was ftrong, and I experienced fuch a lively hope of the glory which is to come, that I was equally refigned to die as live. I viewed myself in the light of a prifoner fet at large; my chains were broken; my foul free; I breathed a new atmosphere; my mind acquired new vigour, and my whole body was full of light. I had before lived to myfelf alone; I now felt alive to God; I had formerly trufted in my own ftrength, I now relied on the merits of my Saviour. My paft life had been a fcene of contending paffions, a fucceffion of vanity, folly, and difquietude; my greatest enjoyment now confifted in clofe communion with God, and in fentiments of adoration and praise for the manifeftation of his pardoning mercy. I experienced that perfect love which cafteth out fear; I found indeed "that wisdom's ways are ways of pleasantnefs, and all her paths are peace;" that the fervice of 3 L 2 God God is freedom and that where the spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. I could fleep but little; gratitude and ejaculations of prayer and thanksgiving kept me waking a long time after I went to bed; there was one night in particular in which I think I never closed my eyes to fleep, but continued finging praises and lifting up my beart to God till I rose in the morning. The gracious promifes of the Gofpel were impreffed powerfully on my mind. I did truly find, that having first fought the kingdom of God and his righteousness, all other things were added unto me. I had not a with refpecting myself ungratified. Time appeared too fhort; and yet the profpect of Eternity was glorious to contemplate. Death had loft its fting; the boafting grave its victory. I realized a paradife on earth. I imagined I faw a fpirit of Religion diffufing itself around me on every fide; almost every houfe feemed to be an houfe of prayer; and I thought that by a few words I could bring every body to embrace the fame faith as myself. wifhed for others to be partakers of that happiness I experienced, and that we might all unite with one voice and one heart, to praife the Lord for his goodness, and be as one fold under one fhepherd. I I faw now the Providence of God exemplified in every paft event and circumftance of my life. Proofs of his wisdom, his power and goodness, were manifefted in thofe very occurrences which had formerly given me pain, and which I then regarded as ferious evils. I faw that thofe whom I had looked upon as ene mies, ought rather to be efteemed amongst my real friends; for the uneafinefs they had caufed me had contributed to bring me to a thoughtful ftate of mind, to an earnest waiting upon God, and to feck for happiness where alone it was to be found. Often did I repeat with delight these words of the poet, Now I'll fing of Jefu's merit When in thy dear arms I lie, Now I'll fing of Jefu's merit Tell the world of his dear name, He is ftill the very fame. He that afketh foon receiveth; He will never caft behind. A fermon A fermon which I one day heard Mr. Pritchard preach on the fubject of Charity, affected me very fenfibly. I was convinced that though I loved God, I had not loved my neighbour as I ought; that I had not done altogether to others what I fhould with others to do unto me. And I confidered that the best proof I could afford of my love to God, was the exercise of univerfal love and good-will towards all men. As God therefore had forgiven me my fins, I was conftrained to forgive all who I thought had offended or injured me. I was dead to every impreffion of anger or refentment, I regarded all mankind as my equals. I fympathized with the afflicted; vifited, relieved, and comforted, to the best of my ability the fick and the needy; I found it more profitable to go to the houfe of mourning than to the house of feafting; I wept with those that wept, and rejoiced with thofe that did rejoice. I experienced now the value of health and other temporal bleffings, and the poffeffion of thefe excited in me fresh fentiments of gratitude, and demanded conftant returns of thankfulness and praise. My heart was devoted to God; my thoughts centered in him, I feared neither the cenfures nor courted the applause of the world, I endeavoured to have in view the glory of God in all my words and actions. I could fay with the Pfalmift, "The Lord is my light and my falvation; whom fhall I fear? The Lord is the ftrength of my life; of whom fhall I be afraid? As the hart panteth after the water brooks, fo panteth my foul after thee, O God. Whom have I in Heaven but thee, and there is none upon earth I defire in comparison of thee. A day in thy courts is better than a thousand; I had rather be a door-keeper in the house of my God, than to dwell in the tents of wickednefs; for the Lord is my Sun and my Shield; the strength of my heart and my portion for ever." Mr. Charles Wesley in one of his hymns, represents fo well the ftate of the foul when newly converted to God, and his defcription accords fo exactly with my own feelings at the time, that I shall make no apology for inferting it here. How happy are they Who the Saviour obey, And have laid up their treasure above! The fweet comfort and peace Of a foul in its earliest love. That comfort was mine, When the favour divine I first found in the blood of the Lamb; When my heart it believ'd, What a joy I receiv'd, What a Heaven in Jefus's name! 'Twas |