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burthenfome. I truly defired that my fins might be pardoned, but thought the ways of religion hard; and though I durft not live in the conftant neglect of duty, yet I fecretly wifhed that I had been under no obligation to perform it. When I reflect on the thoughts and workings of my heart and affections at thofe times, and the confused apprehenfions which I then had both of fin and grace, I am fully perfuaded that, through grace, there is a real, and, in fome measure, an univerfal change wrought in my foul.

After my father's death, I was reading one of his manuscripts, wherein both the object and nature of faving faith was defcribed, and the great neceflity of it preffed, &c. The plain and clear definition there given of the faving act of faith, caused other apprehenfions of things than I had before. I faw how fhort I had come in all my performances, of that difpofition of foul which the gospel called for, and how guilty I was while depending upon thefe performances for acceptance with God, not cafting myself wholly upon Chrift, and refting on him entirely, for pardon and juftification. The concern of my mind was very great, that I had lived fo long ignorant of those things which related to my eternal welfare. I was fenfible the means and helps I had been favoured with, for improvement in knowledge, were beyond what is common, but I had refufed inftruction; the confideration of which was very terrible to me, fearing left I had finned beyond all hope of forgiveness.

But in the most difcouraging apprehenfions of my cafe, my heart was much enlarged in the confeflion of fin, and in bewailing my captivity to it, which was attended with earnest wrestlings with the Lord for pardoning and purifying grace. Those promises in the 36th chapter of Ezekiel, of "a new heart and right fpirit,' were my continual plea, together with Matt. vi. 6, "Bleffed are they who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled." I found longings and panting of foul after that righteouf nefs, and saw that it could only be received by faith; this faith I earneftly begged, and that the Lord would pardon that great fin of unbelief, which fo provoked and difhonoured him; and that he would, by his own Spirit, enable me to embrace Christ as freely held forth in the gospel,

About this time I was much affected with the confideration of Chrift's offices, as Prophet, Prieft, and King. And though I durft not claim an intereft in them, yet was often meditating upon them, admiring that infinite condefcenfion which is manifefted therein, I thought whatever my condition was in this world, yet if I might be under his powerful and effectual teachings as a prophet, and have the benefit of his atonement and interceffion as a prieft, and be entirely fubject to him in every faculty of my foul, as my Lord and King, then how fatisfied and happy fhould I be!

I was under these strugglings a long time before I came to any comfortable perfuafion that I was accepted. Sins against light and love deeply wounded me, and the many aggravating circumftances which attended them, were fo reprefented by fatan, that I could not tell how to believe fuch iniquities as mine would be forgiven. But in the midft of these diftreffing thoughts, I found in that Manuscript of my Father's, "That none but unworthy finners, who are empty of all good in themfelves, were the ob jects of pardoning mercy; that the whole needed not the phyfician, but the fick. This encouraged me to plead with hope, that the Lord would glorify the freenefs of his own grace in my falvation, and to urge, that Chrift called the weary and heavy laden to him with a promise of reft. (Matt. xi. 28.)

I found my foul was extremely burdened with fin; it appeared more exceeding finful than ever before; fins of thought, as well as words and actions, were then obferved with forrow, and lamented before him. Yea, even the fins of my most holy things, thofe fwarms of vain thoughts and wanderings of heart and affections, of which I was confcious in my fecret retirements, and most folemn clofe dealings with God. In fhort, my own foul was my intolerable burden, which made me often question, whether there were not more provoking fins in me than God ufually pardons. OI found how every power and faculty were depraved, and that I could not do the good I would!

It would be tedious to relate the many particular difcourage ments and temptations I laboured under, fometimes pouring forth my foul with fome hope in his mercy, fometimes only bewailing my condition without hope. After fome time, my mother perceiving my concern, converfed very freely with me, and afked, if I was not willing to accept of Chrift to fanctify as well as to fave me? I told her I defired this above all things. I could not but fay, I was above all things defirous to be entirely fubject to Chrift in every power and faculty of my foul; that every thought might be brought into fubjection to Chrift, and nothing might remain in me contrary to him, but that there might be a perfect conformity to his image and will in all things.

After this converfation, I found great compofure in my mind, believing that the Lord had created thofe defires in me, which nothing but himself, and the enjoyment of himself, could fatisfy, and that he would anfwer them with himfelf; "that he would not break the bruised reed, nor quench the fmoaking flax," Matt. xii. 20. My delight now was in nothing else but meditating upon, and admiring of, the free grace of God in Chrift; and my defires greatly increased after further discoveries and clearer light into the deep myfteries of the love of Chrift Jefus: and all diverfions from these meditations were a burden.

OI then thought "all old things were paffed away, and every thing was become new! " I experienced an univerfal change in my mind, will, and affections; the bent of them was turned ano.

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ther way. The ordinances, which were once irkfome, were above all things pleafant, and the return of fabbaths continually longed for. I was very thankful it was my duty, as well as privilege, to fet apart the whole day for the worship and glory of my Lord. I bewailed much that I could love him no more, that there was fo much fin remaining in me, and which I found mixed with all that I did, and that I was not wholly taken up in those blessed and delightful employments without the leaft interruption. I longed for that ftate wherein all thefe fetters fhould be knocked off, and my foul fet at liberty in the worship and praise of my God.

My foul was thus delightfully carried out for fome time, in which I heard a difcourfe from thofe words, John xxi. 17. "Thou knoweft all things, thou knowest that I love thee." The scope of this fermon was for a trial, whether our appeal could be made to him who knows all things, that we loved him? Under this dif course I found my heart greatly carried out in love to Christ, in all his ordinances, and the difcoveries made of his will therein. These fubjects concerning the love of Chrift, and his people's love to him, being long continued, one fermon after another, I found I fat under the word with great pleasure and enlarged affections.

But after fome time, my affections began to cool. I had not fach sweetness and enlargement in my approaches to God in public, as I used to find. I thought the preaching more empty, and came short of what I found I wanted. This deadnefs continuing, filled me with no fmall concern, fearing I fhould fall away. I was very far from charging the miniftry I fat under, but my own wicked wavering heart. I have often gone to the house of God with raised expectations of receiving those quickenings I used to be bleffed with, but found fad difappointments. This frame of fpirit, as to public worship, was matter of continual mourning and bewailing in fecret. I was often examining my heart as to its aims and ends, and could not but conclude my defires were above all things to glorify the Lord, and to receive those bleffings from him which might enable me fo to do.

The miffing of the Lord's prefence under the means, in the use of which he had commanded me to expect it, and which he had heretofore, in fome measure, vouchfafed, was very grievous. I earneftly begged a difcovery of every fin that might be hid from me, which might be the cause of this withdrawing. But the decay of my affections ftill remaining, it caufed great mifgivings of heart that things were not right with me. Yet ftill I had fupports in my fecret applications to God, that his grace would be fufficient for me, and that I should be kept by his almighty power, through faith unto falvation, which encouragements kept me flill waiting with hope, that he would yet return and blefs me.

After fome time, being providentially brought under the minif try of the Rev. Mr. T. Gouge, I found his preaching fo fuited to my cafe, that I was greatly enlarged in thankfulnefs to God who had fo directed me. Thofe fermons upon Gal. vi. 3. "For if a man

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thinketh himself fomething when he is nothing, he deceiveth himfelf; razed me again to the very foundation, and dif covered the many fecret holds Satan had in my heart, which be fore I thought not of; and how many ways I was taken up in fomething which was nothing.

Thefe difcourfes caufed deep humblings of fpirit, and enlarged defires after further enlightenings. OI found these things reached me! I needed to be led into the depths of my own deceitful heart, and thereby obferve, that fecret proneness there was in me to be laying hold on fomething in Self, to rest upon, and expect from. In fhort, I now faw that utter infufficiency and weakness in myfelf, and every thing done by myself, to fatisfy the cravings of my immortal foul, which I had not fo much as once thought of

before.

I was alfo led more to that Fulness, from whence only I can receive what may render me acceptable to the Father; and have never found fo much sweetness and folid fatisfaction in my acceffes to God, as when moft fenfible of my own unworthiness and entire emptiness of any thing agreeable to him in my felf, and all my performances; and when moft apprehenfive of that infinite fulnefs and fuitableness of grace laid up in Chrift Jefus; from whence I am commanded and encouraged to be continually receiving fresh fupplies. O thofe infinite inexhauftible treasures! Nothing lefs can fatisfy the restless cravings and pantings of my foul. By this preaching I have been continually led to the fresh Spring that never fails, and have experienced great quickenings in my appli cations to Chrift, and comfortable rejoicings in him.

The infifting on fuch truths as thefe, which have a direct tendency to lead from felf to Chrift, by opening and unfolding the myfteries of grace laid up in him, fo admirably fuited to answer all the neceffities of poor helpless creatures, I find above all things encourages me, and enlivens me in duty. At times I can apply to Jefus with confidence and joy, as the Lord my righteoufnefs and ftrength; and gladly hope, that through his ftrength I shall be more than a conqueror over every disturbing corruption and temptation. Yea, that I fhall fee Him fhortly as he is, in the full difplays, of the glory of that grace and love which I cannot now comprehend, and by the transforming fight be made like him. But O how fhort! how feldom are thefe interviews! My unbelieving heart ftill returns to its former darkness and diftrust, and gives me frequent occafions to bewail the fluctuations of my weak faith, O that it was stronger! that it was more fledfaft! But bleffed be his Name in whom I put my entire truft, there is grace in him to help me under all decays and failings through weakness. It is from hence I receive ftrength to elevate and excite the acts of faith and love. Yea, it is from the fame fulness I receive grace to regulate the actings of grace, and to fet my foul, from time to time, in a right way of improving the grace I received, and for obtaining pardon for all my defects, as well as for the re moving all my defilements.

These

These are the truths that feed and fupport my faith, and with out thefe were fet home with power on my foul, I must give up under the great aboundings of my indwelling corruptions. I defire a fubmiffive waiting for further manifeftations of his love. And although I have not thofe conftant beams of the light of God's countenance, with which fome of his people are bleffed; yet I humbly adore him for the little light he has af forded me. O the unfearchable deceitfulness of my heart! which is fo many ways betraying me into an unbelieving temper of fpirit. I find I need greater helps than thofe may who are more established, and I dare not neglect thofe helps which my Lord has provided for his people. I need to be watched over, and excited and encouraged under difficulties, from thofe experiences which others have of the dealings of the Lord with them.

GERTRUDE CLARKSON.

This excellent woman died in London, April 23, 1701. Her funeral fermon was preached and printed by Dr. Ridgley, who among other things, obferves the following concerning her: That her mind was rightly informed, and richly furnished with experi mental knowledge of the things of Chrift, and of the work of grace carried on with power in her foul. And although he had fometimes a well-grounded hope; yea, a full perfuafion of the love of God; yet fo far was this from leading her to pride or car nal fecurity, that it can scarce be conceived what low thoughts the had of the best of Self: What a firm dependence on Chrift: How watchful over her actions and thoughts: And how much afraid of fin, even of the iniquity of her holy things!

There was in her converfation a becoming mixture of gravity and pleasantnefs, not daring on the one hand to make things facred a prey to the exuberancies of wit and fancy: Nor on the other, of giving the leaft occafion to their falfe conceit, who fuppofe that religion always chufes the dark retreat of a melancholy. temper, or is directly oppofite to that which is chearful or agree, able in common converfation She was a confcientious attender on the ordinances of Chrift, in feafon and out of feason, valuing all opportunities wherein the might hope for further acquaintance with God; fhe called the Sabbath her delight, and rejoiced at the returns thereof.

Her laft fickness was short. She was fuddenly feized with a very painful diftemper,* which the perceived to be the harbinger of death; but when it made its nearest approaches fhe declared it was welcome. She did not fly from it as an enemy, nor fee any thing affrighting in its countenance. When all about her were almost overwhelmed with grief, fhe was the only person that feemed unconcerned, being as willing to be gone as death was to call. The Cholic, which carried her off in four days.

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