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VOL. I. No. 5.]

TICKLER.

LONDON, THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 1819.

Address.

VERY few writers, we believe, have ever at tended to one of the most terrible consequences by which literary composition can possibly be followed. While immersed in the anticipation of that entertainment which his labours have been intended to produce, what author has speculated for a moment upon the evils his success may ensure? And yet we all know that many readers, fair ones in particular) have been so infatuated by the contents of a favorite book, as to take it to bed, and there, lulled by its sooth, ing influence, have inadvertently set the curtains on fire; thus rendering the whole frater nity of Grub-street direct accomplices in that fatal adventure.

Now, philanthropic writers, (and such we profess ourselves to be) have two modes of avoiding this extremity. In the first place, they may extend their productions to such an extraor nary length, as to do away with the expedience of setting aside a "sweet morsel of the night" for the sake of hurrying through a volume which has five or six stupendous fellows to sue ceed it. Secondly, if lack of invention, or pity for pen, ink, and paper, should induce them to shorten their lucubrations, yet, even then, a requisite portion of dulness will do the business most effectually, by inducing the reader to put away such a work after perusing its incipient pages, as not at all calculated to bring on the hysterics, or provoke a conflagration. know there is an evil in all this to the hungry scribe, but surely he may feed for a week or two upon the sweets of patriotic fervour.

PRICE 6d.

Well, so much for this manifesto, and now to conclude. The fair caterpillars, as we cannot help calling them, who devour our leaves, have nothing to dread from fire or candle by condescending to pause for a few minutes over what they offer. The threads of our work are so many and distinct, that the book may be begun at Greenwich, and finished in Jamaica, without losing an atom of the entertainment it has been composed to afford. Thus to all who value the steadiness of their nerves, and the hours of rest, yet delight in literary employ ment, this ubiquitarian quality must serve as a powerful recommendation, and will crtitle us, we hope, to their assiduous sapport. We scriously mean to deserve it, if merit can be testified by exertion, or impelled by encouragement, and in that spirit make our profoundest bows till a farther opportunity.

Anecdotes.

ROB ROY.-In one of the Grampian highlands, it is said, this freebooter, after having permitted a steward of the Duke of Montrose, (whose property the greater part of these val leys and mountains now is) to collect the rents, saved him the trouble of carrying them home, and confined him for several weeks upon bread and water, till he dismissed him with a friendly admonition, never more to trouble the country with his master's commands, as in future it We was his intention to collect the rents himself, and apply them to the maintenance of widows and orphans; alledging, at the same time, that he had, in truth, a natural right to this land, as his indubitable heritage; for although his claims were, in some measure, obsolete, yet he considered acts of attainder in remote periods as matters in no wise founded on equity, nor binding upon him in any sense; he, therefore, made no scruple to take the law into his own hands, and administer it according to his own notions of justice.

It would clearly be unreasonable, when a painter exhibits his works in public, to expect that he should provide spectacles for the use of the short-sighted. By a parity of argument, when a compiler has once published his miscellany for public amusement, it is rather too much to insist upon receiving evidence of his endeavours to secure it. We will not scclude our selves, however, behind the shield of privilege, but step boldly forward, and tell the patrons of the "TICKLER," that its claims to support have been rested upon the grounds of vigour and variety, the separate excellence of its articles, and the novelties in their combination. This may not be universally admitted, but there are hours when the liveliest taste loses its sensibility, and many of the wittiest things upon record have been read without a smile, because the critie's mind had been soured at his breakfast table, by rancid butter, or a musty egg.

SHAKSPEARE AND THE SCRIPTURES.-While Mr. WOODWARD, the actor, resided in Dublin, about the year 1760, a mob one morning beset the Parliament House, in order to prevent the Members from passing an unpopular Bill. Such as were looked upon as belonging to the courtparty, experienced the grossest insults; and some of the ring-leaders, thinking it necessary to make the representatives swear they would not assent to the bill, surrounded Mr. WoODWARD's door, which was opposite the Parliament House, in College-green, and called re

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peatedly upon his family to throw them a Bible out of the windows. Mrs. WOODWARD was greatly alarmed at the request, not having, unfuckily, at that time, such a book in her pos session. Her husband, however, in the midst of her agitation, with great presence of mind, snatched up a volume of Shakspeare's plays, which, tossing out of the dining-room window, he told the insurgents they were very welcome to. Upon this they gave him three cheers; and it is an absolute fact that the ignorant rab ble administered their oath to several of the Irish senators upon the works of our old Eng: ish bard, which they afterward returned in safety to the owner.

GRATITUDE. The four sons of the late Marshal Ney have subscribed 100 francs towards the erection of a monument, at Strasburgh, to commemorate the glory of General Kleber, who was the firm and early friend of their unfortunate father. The smallness of this contribution resulted from the scantiness of their property, a circumstance which will endear the deed to every lover of filial virtue.

SPIRIT.-An Italian prince, remarkable for pride and ill-humour, once walking to the window of his presence-chamber with a foreign ambassador, said to him, “Do you know, sir, that one of my ancestors forced a person of your description from this balcony into the street?""It might be so," was the reply, "but probably it was not the fashion then, as it is now, for ambassadors to wear swords." DUELLING.-Augustus gave an admirable example how a person who sends a challenge should be treated. When Mark Anthony, after the battle of Actium, defied him to single, combat, his answer to the messenger who brought it, was, "Tell Mark Anthony, if he be weary of life, there are other ways to end it; I shall not take the trouble of becoming his, executioner."

THE MORLACHIANS.-Their propensity for thieving is extreme. A Morlachian will untie your horse, and steal it even in your presence: he will spring upon the animal, and when you would wish to take it away again, he will insist, without being in the least disconcerted, that it is his property.

COOLNESS.-A few weeks before the late General Ogle was to sail for India, he constantly attended Paine's, in Charles-street, St. James's-square, where he alternately won and lost large sums. One evening there were be fore him two wooden bowls full of gold, which held fifteen hundred guineas each; four thousand more, also, lay in rouleaus before him, When the box came to him, he shook the dice, and said with great pleasantry, Come, I'll either win or lose seven thousand upon this hand; will any gentleman set me the whole? Seven is the main." Then rattling the dice once more, he cast the box down, and quitted it, the dice remaining covered. Though the General did not consider this too large a sum for

one man to risk at a single throw, the rest of the company did, and for some time he remained unset. He then said, "Well, gentlemen, will you make it up among you?"-One

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set him 5001. and another the same sum. Come," said he, "while you are making up this 70001. I'll tell you a story." Here he began to relate an anecdote applicable to the moment; but soon perceiving that he was com pletely set, stopped short, laid his hand upon the box, and said, I believe, gentlemen, I am set?"-" Yes, sir," was the reply; seven's the main." He threw out, and having relinquished his money, took up his snuff-box, with astonishing coolness, and smilingly exclaimed, "Now, gentlemen, I'll finish my story, if you please."

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CARDINAL DE POLIGNAC.-A company at the Duchess of Maine's were one evening ainusing themselves with discovering ingenious differences between any two given subjects. "What is the difference," said the Duchess of Maine to Cardinal de Polignac, "between me and a watch?"-"A very material one, Madam,” he replied; when we look on a watch, we remember the flight of time; when we look on your Grace we forget it."

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MIRACULOUS VISITATION.-Sir Gervas ELWAYS, Lieutenant of the Tower in the reign of James I, was made a notable example of terror to all officers of trust, by being hanged on Tower-hill as an accessary, though but a passive one, to the murder of Sir THOMAS OVERBURY. At the gallows he warned those who came to witness his fate, against a breach of attestations made to Heaven; for being in the Netherlands, and much addicted to gaming, he once pledged a solemn vow (which was speedily broken) not to play above a certain sum, on pain of being hanged, as a punishment for his blasphemy and irresolution.

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THE CLERGYMAN AND THE FARMER,-" No rain yet, master," said the farmer, scratching his head. No," replied the parson, "I am sorry to find our prayers are not heard.""Main unlucky, to be sure. Let's see; how many times have you done it?". -"Three times," was the answer. "Three times! well, well, never mind," said the farmer, "we'll have at 'em again next Sunday."

PRINCE OF WALES. This illustrious personage once observed in company, that men sometimes got credit for good actions without ever having dreamed of deserving it; and on the contrary were abused in the same unmerited way. He then very pleasantly said, "that he got credit for being a good young man, from the following ludicrous circumstance:-Having occasion to go to Bagshot in the winter, he asked Lord Clermont to accompany him. His Lordship, provident against the cold, generally travelled in a kind of flannel hood, to protect his ears and throat, and a white great coat :thus equipped, the prince and his companion pursued their journey, the passengers remark

ing-What a good young man he was, to go out thus an airing with his old aunt, the Princess Amelia."

Blunders.

COMPOSITION. The following is an Address delivered by the Manager of a small Theatre in Ireland, where Mr. Rae was engaged to perform. There were only three persons in the house:-"Ladies and Gentlemen-As there is nobody here, I'll dismiss you all: the performances of this night will not be performed; but the performances of this night will be repeated to-morrow evening."

IN THE lecture-room of the Jardin des Plantes, at Paris, is a statue of Buffon, under which is written “majestati naturæ par ingenium." The person who shows this apartment, on being asked the sculptor's name, said he believed it was under the figure; and looking again, "Qui monsieur," said he, “le nom y est-c'est par Ingenium."

AN IRISH evidence, who wanted to prove an alibi, said to his judge, “My lord, I couldn't be like a bird, in two places at once.'

A FRENCH gentleman dining in London with Dr. Johnson, and wishing to show him a mark of peculiar respect, as author of the “Rambler,” drank to him in what he thought synonymous terms, "Your health, Mr. Vagabond."

A POOR Irishman was unmercifully laughed at, at Buxton, for informing the company, that the best way of boiling potatoes was in cold.

water.

AN IRISH TELESCOPE.-Sir Frederick Flood was one day observing to a friend that he had a most excellent telescope. "Do you see yon church," said he, "about half a mile off?— it's scarcely discernible-but when I look at it through my telescope, it brings it so close, I hear the organ playing.”

A GENTLEMAN was complimenting Madame Denis on the manner in which she had just acted Zara. “To sustain it successfully, said she, " should be young and handa person some."-"Ah, madam!" replied the complimenter, you are a complete proof to the contrary."

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AN UNINFORMED Irishman, hearing the Sphinx alluded to in company, whispered to a friend," Sphinx! who's he now "A monster, man." "Oh, a Munster-man: I thought he was from Connaught," replied our Irishman, determined not to seem totally unacquainted with the family.

Bon Mots.

FRENCH AUTHORS.- Piron's. tragedy of "Gustavus" was vehemently hissed and driven from the stage, which induced Voltaire to

triumph at his failure. The latter wit soon after produced his "Zara,”and on meeting Piron exclaimed, "Well, you see I escaped without a single hiss."-"True," replied Piron, “an au dience cannot hiss and yawn together."

CLERICAL REPARTEE.-Charles the second playing at Tennis with a dignified prebend who had struck the ball well, he exclaimed, "That's a good stroke for a dean!"—"I'll give it the stroke of a bishop," said Mr. Dean, "if your Majesty pleases."

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SWIFT-A would-be poet showed Swift some wretched verses, which were preceded by a motto from Virgil, and asked his opinion of them." Virgil," said Swift, (drawing his pen through the motto)" ought not to be in bad company."

How To SHAPE A PAYMENT.-A brother comedian, who was in his debt to the amount of 2s. being met by PETERSON, a strolling actor, in the market-place at Colchester, he made his demand, as he had done many times before. The debtor, turning peevishly from him, said, “Hang it, I'll pay you to-day in some shape or other." Mr. Peterson good-humouredly replied, "Do so, Tom, but let it be as like two shillings as you can.”

BISHOP WILKINS.-Among other chimeras, he professed to have discovered the art of flying, and attempted to show the possibility of reaching the moon. Discoursing on this theme, the Duchess of Newcastle one day said to him, "Doctor, where am I to find a place for baiting Madam," at in the way up to that planet?" he replied, "you, who have built so many castles in the air, may surely sleep every night in a mansion of your own.'

LEVITY CORRECTED.-The English Ambassador having occasion to inform Frederick the Great of a victory achieved by our soldiers, began his communication with these words:"It has pleased Divine Providence"-" What!" said the King, " is God Almighty one of your allies?"'-" Yes, sire," replied the Englishman, and the only one that demands no subsidies."

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Characters.

THE MAN OF SPIRIT.-He is one who considers himself as bound by no moral obligation, and as subject to no earthly ties. The indulgence of his passions forms the most important part of his conduct, and he allows of no control in the exercise of his power. He prides himself on keeping the best company, which means that of men who are wealthier than himself. He enters with avidity into every fresh proposal for pleasure, and subscribes to any opinion that is fashionable and spirited. He is eternally in pursuit of happiness, yet never overtakes it; wanders through the paths of gaiety, and strays into the wilderness of disappointment. He wages continual war with decorum, though conquest, when obtained, is but a prelude to

tatiety. If a sufferer in health, he considers 1 he debility of his constitution as the characteristic of a gentleman, because opposed to vulgar robustness, and plebeian vigour.

Dr. BROOK.-He was a very extraordinary personage, and in no one instance bore the smallest resemblance to his partner (the author of "Rosina," &c.) He was one of the finest figures for an artist that can be imagined, having a most impressive countenance, and hair as white as snow. He was one of the greatest bons vivants of his time, had considerable conversation talents, and a very numerous circle of friends. But the deity of the table was almost the only one he worshipped with consistent devotion, and in pursuance of this object, he was a member of a club which was called number six. It consisted of six members, they met at six in the evening, and never parted till six in the morning. Notwithstanding his habitual indulgence in the festivities of the table, the old gentleman lived to a very advanced age, and died within five days of his wife. (Sexagenarian.)

Epigrams.

ON THE LAMB AND HORSE, Being two Insignia of the Societies of the Temple.

As by the Templars' hold you go,
The Horse and Lamb display'd,
In emblematic figures, show

The merits of their trade;
That clients may infer from thence

A just and fair monition;

The Lamb sets forth their innocence,
The Horse their expedition.
O! happy Britain, happy isle!

Let Foreign Nations say,
Where you get justice without guile,
And law without delay.

THE ANSWER.

Deluded men! their hold forego,
Nor trust such cunning elves;
These artful emblems tend to show
Their clients, not themselves;
It's all a trick, these are all shams

By which they mean to cheat you; But have a care, for you're the lambs, And they the wolves would eat you. Nor let the thoughts of no delay

To these their courts misguide you, For you their horses are, and they

The jockies that would ride you.

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There is a tradition that London Bridge was built upon Woolpacks,* a report, coupled with recent transactions, which has given rise to what follows:

No more, O Thames, o'er thy broad stream,
Shall LONDON BRIDGE, with boastful theme,
About its Woolpacks vapour;

For, lo! in our eventful time,
Another building tow'rs sublime,
Whose basis rests on-Paper.

The equivocation of some of our Ancient Chroniclers, who have " palter'd with us in a double sense," has strengthened this vulgar error. London Bridge was erected by a legacy, in aid of which a tax was imposed upon all packages of wool vended within a certain district.

THE DROPSICAL MAN.

A jolly old toper, who ne'er could resign,
Thro' life, the delights of ale, liquor, and wine,
Tho' urg'd by his Doctor, still boldly drank on,
Till swell'd by the dropsy, as big as a tun.
The n re he took physic, the worse he still grew,
And tapping was all that his doctor could do,
But by it, he told him, nor thought he was wrong,
His life might be render'd both happy and long.
"Don't flatter me so," was the toper's reply,
With a jest in his mouth, and a tear in his eye,
"For well, by experience, my vessels, thou
know'st,

"No sooner are tapp'd, but they give up the ghost."

E. N. B.

ON A SQUINTING MAN. Poets of old did ARGUS prize, Because he had an hundred eyes, But sure more praise to him is due, Who looks an hundred ways with two.

Epitaphs.

ON A MISER.

They call'd thee rich, I deem'd thee poor,
Since, if thou dar'dst not use thy store,
But saved it only for thy heirs,
The treasure was not thine-but theirs.

ON A STROLLING PLAYER.

I wander'd long with fortune mix'd,
But now my residence is fix'd;
Tho' oft I fail'd on earth to please you,
Great benefits I hope from JESU.

My name-my country-what are they to thee?
What-whether base or proud-my pedigree?
Perhaps I far surpass'd all other men—
Perhaps I fell below them all-what then?
Suffice it, stranger! that thou see'st a tomb-
Thou know'st its use-it hides-no matter whom.

ON JOHN SPONG,

A Jobbing Carpenter, at Oakham, who died in 1736.

Who many a sturdy oak had laid along,
Fell'd by Death's surer hatchet, here lies SPONG.
Pests oft he made, but ne'er a place could get,
And liv'd by railing, tho' he was no wit:
Old saws he had, altho' no antiquarian,
And stiles corrected, yet was no grammarian.

ON TWO POETS, Buried in the sume Grave.

Beneath one tomb, here sleep two faithful friends,
Constant thro' life, united in their ends;
Their studies, their amusements, were the same,
Alike their genius, and alike their fame.
By fortune favor'd, or by want oppress'd,
Still they in common ev'ry thing possess'd;
One heart, one mind, one purse, tho' small their
riches,

One room, one bed, one hat, one pair of breeches.

Essay.

LAUGHING.

I am going to lounge in the streets of London; and, to tell the truth, I prefer them to the fields of the country. I am for nature's best works, and like to study mind rather than matter. Men, women, and children are therefore always more acceptable to me than all the hills, dales, and limpid streams in the universe.

I admire the man who exclaimed, “I have lost a day!" because he had neglected to do any good in the course of it; but another has observed, that" the most lost of all days is that, in which we have not laughed;" and I must confess that I feel myself greatly of his opinion,

Farewell, then; I go, and fear not, whilst I saunter through the busy haunts of men, that I shall have to complain of having lost a day, because I have not exercised my risible faculties. It is my firm belief, that there is no worldly concern worth being serious about, even if that concern is one's own, but when I see more than half the world, politicians especially, seriously busied about other people's affairs, and things they do not in the least comprehend, how can I help laughing? I cannot; and the more serious they are, the more I will laugh. The moment I leave my home, I shall call upon a next-door neighbour of mine, a very opulent man, who never sits down to table without three courses. Well, I shall find him as melancholy as a mouse in a trap, complaining seriously of the high price of provisions. I keep my countenance as well as I can in his company, but the instant I leave him, I shall give way to my mirth, and, merry as a maggot in a cheese, jog on till Í come to a bookseller's shop. There I shall drop in-see some with newspapers in their hands debating the news of the day, as if it was a matter of life and death; others looking over the new publications, probably written by their intimate friends, and abusing them with all the wild fury of intolerant criticism. I cannot stay here long, as you'll at once suppose; and if it were not for a little pity and indignation, which mingle themselves with my propensities to merriment, I should hardly wait to witness the folly I have described.-Away I go.

*DEMOCRITUS, who was always laughing, lived one hundred and nine years; HERACLITUS, who never ceased crying, only sixty. Laughing then is best; and to laugh at one another is perfectly justifiable, since we are told that the gods them selves, though they made us as they pleased, cannot help laughing at us.

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