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I have for some time past been visited by unpleasant suspicions that I belonged to the unfortunate class called Dandies. Of late my apprehensions have become so strong, in conseof quence many significant winks and shrugs directed at me in the streets, that I am losing my sleep and my appetite, and can no longer forbear to give my symptoms publicity, and submit them for advice. In the first place, I perceive that the waist of my great coat is a few inches shorter than is customary with lawyers, physicians, quakers, and methodist parsons; to which I must add, that, instead of folding me round like a bed-gown, as I believe it generally does with persons of more respectable character, it unhappily sits close to my shape, and shows, I am afraid, the exact contour of my figure. You will observe, too, that I am young, and not ill-made,-circumstances that, I understand, contribute very much towards incurring the reproach of Dandyism,

I have observed, in the next place, that my trowsers are rather large; but I solemnly declare that this is the fault exclusively of my tailor. He had no directions to deviate, in any respect, from the ordinary cut; yet I have lately taken occasion to inspect the legs of the Rev. Dr. Bandy, and Mr. Josiah Broomstick, both customers at the same shop, and nothing can be more dissimilar than the air of their pantaloons, and that of mine.

What gives me most alarm, however, is my hair. It is of a fine colour, thick and curling, and prolongs itself into a vigorous whisker. I am too well aware that this alone is almost enough to ruin me in the estimation of all sober, smooth-faced people; and I saw, the other day, a grave-looking gentleman, with a fine bald head, surveying my luckless pericranium with a look of great contempt, which, passing

downwards to my coat and pantaloons, expressed, as plainly as a look could speak, that I was no better than a Dandy.

I should be glad, however, of an impartial opinion upon my case, and would be thankful, at the same time, for some information on the real nature and character of this frightful complaint, showing why it is so much worse and more malignant than Buckism, which once raged very much in this town, and, indeed, is said to have infected some of those who are now the greatest despisers of Dandyism. I am, sir, yours, &c.

TELEPHUS.

THE ADVANTAGE OF TRAVELLING.

FROM THE LATIN OF THEODORE BEZA.

Tollende cupidus Spurinna prolis, &c.
SPURINNA, longing for an heir,
And vainly offering up a prayer
To all the saints in holy page,
Resolv'd upon a pilgrimage.

He scrambled o'er the Pyrennees,
And vow'd to JACOB* on his knees;
The Alps he cross'd (so says the metre),
And did the same to PAUL and PETER;
Nor by the Adriatic stay'd,
Our LADY of LORETTO pray'd;
And, careless of the ocean's brine,
He journey'd on to PALESTINE;
Then on a camel, as they tell,

He cross'd the sands,+ as hot as hell,
And panting reach'd the sacred shrine
Devoted to ST. CATHERINE.

Would'st know what all this labour earn'd He found three boys when he return'd! *Saint Jacob, of Compostella. + Of Arabia.

On Mount Sinai.

THE DYING JACK KETCH.

JACK KETCH, worn down with age and sin,.
And half burnt out with stinking gin,
Stretch'd on his bed of hay and straw,
With whining tongue and feeble jaw,
In words like these "There's no relief-
Gave vent at length to all his grief,
The warrant's sign'd, and Sheriff Death
Will soon demand my fleeting breath.
Adieu to halters now, and fees,
To lanterns dark, and picklock keys,
And all such windfalls; thrice farewell,

Isoon shall sleep in my cold cell.
Ye Resurrection-men, lament,
And, if you've time, like me repent—

Lament, I say and on my bier,

In pity, drop one iron tear.

I've sold you bargains at prime cost,
By which, you know yourselves, I've lost :-
As I'm reduc'd to skin and bone,

I hope that you'll let me alone-
There's not a surgeon in the town,
I'm sure would give you half-a-crown-
I say again, there is not one-
For my poor carcase, when I'm gone.
My son lies heavy on my breast;
Of all my breed I lov'd him best,
I thought to teach him all my arts,
And fondly hop'd that he had parts;
But all his parts are gone to pot—
The running noose, the artful knot,
Which I with flying fingers ty'd-
Were lost on him-he had no pride,
As my successful heir to shine,
The first of artists in my line.
My fame is known to old and young,
Nay, 'twas a pleasure to be hung
By one like me, that had the knack
To do my business in a crack-
My customers in Thieving-lane
Will never see my like again.
But woe is me! my stupid son-
I plainly see that he's undone:

The dunce will die not worth a groat-
If he had talents, as I thought,

He might have liv'd in ease and fame,
And left, like me, a glorious name.'

Empromptu.

ON LAVALETTE's EXECUTION IN

EFFIGY.

Cries LAVALETTE, "They all tell me,
I have been hang'd in FIG:
Why, be it so :- -for this fine rig,
Hang me if I shall care a fig."

Miscellanies.

ANCESTRY.-The Russell family may date the era of their greatness from a violent storm, which happened about the year 1500, on the coast of Dorset, a county which appears to have been the birth-place of their ancestors, one of whom was constable of Corfe Castle in the year 1521. Philip, archduke of Austria, son of the Emperor Maximilian, being on a voyage to Spain, was obliged, by the fury of a sudden tempest, to take refuge in the harbour of Weymouth. He was received on shore, and accommodated by Sir Thomas Tranchard,

who invited his relation, Mr. John Russell, to wait upon the archduke. Philip was so much pleased with the polite manners and cultivated talents of Mr. Russell, who had a thorough knowledge of both the French and German languages, that, on arriving at court, he recommended him to the notice of Henry the Seventh, who immediately sent for him to his palace, where he remained in great favour till the king's death. In the estimation of Henry the Eighth he rose still higher; that monaren made him Baron Russell, of Cheneys, in the county of Bucks, and during the reign of his successor, he was created Earl of Bedford..

PERSIAN PEDESTRIANISM.-There are no general posts in Persia, but if a person has le ters to send, he dispatches them by a shatir, or footman, who will travel a thousand miles in eighteen days, for which he is remunerated with about six and thirty shillings. The king retains a numerous body of these footmen, among whom before a candidate can be enrolled, he is compelled to undergo the severest trials of his speed, and must perform upwards of 100 miles within about 13 hours.

NEWSPAPERS.-Newspapers owe their birth to Italy, and under the government of Venice. The first publication of this sort was called a Gazetta, as Menage conjectures, from the name of a little coin for which it was primitively sold. This etymology, however, has been forcibly opposed, and another substituted in its stead, from which we gather that, in the language known to have been the Italian of past days, the Latin word, guża, would colloquially lengthen, in the diminutive, to gazetta, and, as applied to a newspaper, signify a little treasury of intelligence.

The first newspaper published in England, was entitled the "English Mercury," and dated July 28, 1588, a copy of which is remaining in the British Museum.

In 1622, a private newspaper, called the "Weekly Courant," was printed in London. In 1639, a newspaper was printed by Robert Barker, at Newcastle.

The "Gazette" was first published at Oxford, August 22, 1642.

The first daily paper after the Revolution, was called the "Orange Intelligence," and from thence to 1692, there were 26 similar publications.

SUPERSTITION.

HELEN MATTARANGA, a native of Zante, aged twenty years, witnessed the decease of a young man to whom she had devoted her heart, and wished to have given her hand. Her parents, however, from interested motives, had compelled her to marry another. The night after his interment, Helen imagined (for sensibility is too often the parent of superstition) that the phantom of her lover stood in silence at the foot of her bed. She conceived at once that his soul was in purgatory, and instituted two masses for its deliverance. The

72

apparition still continued, and her heated fancy
suggested the following means of securing its
repose. One night, while her husband was
at a neighbouring village, she rose, took a
hammer and nails, went bare-footed to the
burial-ground, raised the body from its coffin,
and, notwithstanding its putrified state, em-
braced it repeatedly, bathed it with her tears,
and drove four large nails through the feet and
hands. Having thus fastened it to the earth,
she returned home, passed the night in tran-
quillity, and found the spectre from that time
had discontinued its visits. Helen had been
imprudent enough, however, to trust this
secret with a false friend, and would have been
punished with death for having outraged a
human corpse, had not the affair been suppressed
by judicial interference.
OLD ADAGE.

"The king of France, with forty thousand men,
"March'd up a hill and then march'd down again.'
France, in the latter days of Henry the
Great, had enjoyed a peace of more than twen-
ty years in duration, when that monarch, en-
tertaining some great martial design, the na-
ture of which has never been divulged, levied
an army of 40,000 men, which he equipped
for action in the most splendid manner. His
assassination by Ravillac soon after took place,
and this body having been disbanded without
performing a solitary exploit, gave rise to the
satirical saying with which the present article
is headed. See HowEL's Letters; anno 1620.

Puns.

ON MR. OWEN MORE,
Who absconded from his Creditors.

OWEN MORE has run away,-
Owing more than he cou'd pay.

MARRIAGE.

A Young Lady's Reply to an aged Suitor.

Why thus insist on my compliance,

Yet still compel me to refuse?
For tho' I shrink from your alliance,
Perhaps a younger I may chuse.

The state itself I'll ne'er disparage,

Nor will I war against it wage,
I do not, sir, object to marriage,
But I object to marry age.

To THE DONKIES OF BRIGHTON, Engaged alternately in Smuggling and Lødycarrying.

Tho' Baalam's Ass got many a whack,

His happy fate was rare,—

He bore a Prophet on his back,

And met an Angel fair.

Is not your fortune still more bright,
Ye Brighton Donkies, say?
Ye carry spirits every night,
And Angels all the day!

ON THE DEATH OF THE HOTTENTOT
VENUS, AT PARIS,

The Venus of Medicis scarcely had started,
When, Paris, alas! your next Venus departed,
So no end to your losses you find :
Well may you in sackcloth and ashes deplore,
For Venus the first had no equal before,

Nor had Venus the second behind.

SOBER CHURCHMAN.-A certain Dean was remarkable for dealing out the wine at his table sparingly. One day when he entertained a party of his clerical brethren to dinner, after the cloth was removed, instead of pushing about the bottle, he told some long stories, and among them detailed the wonderful exploits of a blind man, adding, that he knew "the man could see no more than that bottle," pointing to the "Nor have we, my very only one upon table. reverend dean," said a facetious prebend present, "any of us seen more than that bottle these three hours."

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LEGAL DIFFICULTY.-Judge Garrow, in the
gross examination of a prevaricating old femate
witness, by which it was essential to prove
that a tender of money had been made,-had a
scrap of thrown to him from a counsel
paper
on the other side, on which was written,

Garrow,-submit;-that tough old jade,
Can never prove-a tender maid!

Satire.

THE BABEL BONNET.

Abroad had lovely MYRA been,

And all the Continent had seen,

With what's most strange upon it;
And when return'd to England's shore,
Upon her head fair MYRA bore

A Tower, and not a bonnet.
Her language was a modish speech
Of many tongues, beyond the reach
Of simple native power;
And since her tongue, confus'd and mix'd,
Resembled Babel's tongues, she fix'd

Above it Babel's Tower.

ON THE LATE WAR.

Whene'er contending Princes fight
For private pique, or public right,
Armies are rais'd, and fleets are mann'd,
To combat both by sea and land.

When, after many battles past,
Both, tir'd with blows, make peace at last,
What is it, then, their subjects get,
But Taxes, Wooden-legs, and Debt.

ADVICE TO THE KING OF SPAIN,

On his working a Petticoat for the Virgin Mary.
BY DR. WALCOT, olim PETER PINDAR, ESQ.

Great King, the newspapers declare,
Which puts me quite on the broad stare,

give most significant hints that they would not dread the comparison.

Many of them, whose pride has been swelled to an unhappy degree by the ignorant praises of a private audience, mostly fit, as Hamlet observes, "for nothing but inexplicable dumb show and noise," launch into life as actors in the country, where you often behold them, the humblest of the humble, deeming themselves happy even in the pity of surrounding strangers,

LORD CHESTERFIELD.

(Tho' newspapers from truth too often vary,) To the King's most excellent Majesty, the hum

That you, dread sir, of needle note,

Have work'd a pious petticoat,

A hallow'd off'ring to the Virgin MARY. Why trick your Lady out so fine?

She never once went forth to dine,

Nor play nor op'ra ever deign'd to grace; She never gave a single rout

Nor een poor tea, and then turn out,

Nor at a bull-feast show'd her holy face.

Then heed the Bard:-Your state maintain,
Nor thus expose yourself again,

A standing jest for ev'ry saucy railer :、
Bid superstition's flame expire-
Fling all your needles in the fire-

Or else give king-craft up, and turn a tailor.

ANSWER.

PETER, I own your counsel's good,
But in this case must be withstood,

To serve the ends of propagation;
For if this KING, thou shrewd assailer,
Were ouce to turn an honest tailor,

"Twou'd thin the breed of ev'ry nation.

And thus 'tis prov'd, as you'll admit,
With truth at least, if not with wit:

Nine tailors, or we deeply wrong them,
To make a man suffice, tho' few,
But eight would have that work to do,
If such a thing were thrust among them.
E. N. B.

but

AMATEUR ACTORS.

FROM their humble merit, you expect to find in them nothing but modesty and diffidence; you will be deceived upon close acquaintance. A company composed of Garricks could not talk more largely, or feel more proud of their abilities, than the juvenile performers of a private theatre. They severally boast of the thundering claps they received in certain characters, and on certain nights: they decide on the merits of our professional actors with unlimited confidence ; and, with disgusting arrogance,

ble Petition of Philip, Earl of Chesterfield, Knight of the most noble Order of the Garter, &c.

SHEWETH,-That your Petitioner, being rendered by deafness as useless and inefficient as most of his cotemporaries are by nature, hopes in common with them, to share your Majesty's royal favor and bounty, whereby he may be enabled to save or to spend, as he may think proper, a great deal more than he possibly can at present.

That your

Petitioner having had the honour to serve your Majesty in several very lucrative employments, seems thereby entitled to a lucrative retreat from business, and to enjoy otium cum dignitate, that is, leisure and a large per

sion.

Your Petitioner humbly apprehends, that ke has a justifiable claim to a considerable pension, as he neither wants, nor deserves, but only desires (pardon, dread sir, an expression youare pretty much used to) and insists upon it.

Your Petitioner is little apt, and always unwilling, to speak advantageously of himself; but as some degree of justice is due to one's self, as well as to others, he begs leave to represent, that his loyalty to your Majesty has always been unshaken, even in the worst of times; that particularly in the late unnatural rebellion, when the young Pretender had advanced as far as Derby, at the head of an army of at least three thousand men, composed of the flower of the Scotch nobility and gentry, who had virtue enough to avow, and courage enough to venture their lives in support of, their real principles, your Petitioner did not join him, as unquestionably he might have done, had he been so inclined; but, on the contrary, raised at the public expense, sixteen companies of one hundred men each, in defence of your Majesty's undoubted right to the Imperial Crown of these rewarded. realms, which service remains to this hour un

Your Petitioner is well aware that jesty's Civil List must necessarily be in a very your Maweak and languid condition, after the various at the same time he humbly hopes, that an arand profuse evacuations it has undergone; but gument, which does not seem to have been urged against any other person whatsoever, will not in a singular manner be urged against him, especially as he has some reasons to believe that,

the deficiences in the Pension List will by no means be the last to be made good by Parlia

ment.

Your Petitioner begs leave to observe, that a small pension is disgraceful, as it intimates opprobrious indigence on the part of the receiver, and a degrading sort of dole or charity on the part of the giver; but, that a great one implies dignity and affluence on the one side; on the other, esteem and consideration; which doubtless your Majesty must entertain in the highest degree for those great personages whose reputable names glare in capitals upon your Eleemosynary List. Your Petitioner humbly flatters himself, that upon this principle less than three thousand pounds a year will not be proposed to him, and if made gold, the more agreeable. Your Petitioner persuades himself that your Majesty will not impute this his humble application to any mean interested motive, of which he has always had the utmost abhorrence.--No, sir! he confesses his weakness: honor alone is his object; honor is his rassion; that honor which is sacred to him as a peer, and tender to him as a gentleman; that honor, in short, to which he has sacrificed all other considerations. -It is upon this single principle that your Petitioner solicits an honor, which at present in so extraordinary a manner adorns the British Peerage; and which, in the most shining periods of ancient Greece, distinguished the greatest men, who were fed in the Prytaneum at the expense of the Public..

Upon this honor, far dearer to your Petitioner than his life, he begs leave, in the most solemn manner, to assure your Majesty, that in case you shall be pleased to grant this his most modest request, he will honorably support and promote, to the utmost of his abilities, the very worst measures, that the very worst ministers can suggest; but, at the same time, should he unfortunately, and in a singular manner, be branded by a refusal, he thinks himself obliged

in honor to declare, that he will, with the utmost acrimony, oppose the very best measures which your Majesty yourself shall ever propose or promote. And your Petitioner, &c.

Scraps.

THE ENCHANTED MULE. -THE next morning, when on the point of setting out, it appeared that my mule had not eaten, and was sick. Immediately there was a long consultation among all the carriers that were about to feed their beasts, and most of them were of opinion we must give him rest; but the whole day past without witnessing his recovery. He was washed with hot wine, had a dose of physic administered, and a plaister applied; but

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To break the charm, therefore, a quantity of images of saints of all kinds, chaplets, and a large tub of holy water, were brought, the animal was dragged under a gateway, his head being placed towards the church, where he was loaded with rosaries, &c. while a toothless old woman, muttering a whole litanyof Ave-Marias, attempted to exorcise him, after which they concluded by inundating him from head to foot. In four hours the animal began to eat, and the next day was perfectly well. To explain the mysteries of the sacred bath, permit

me to observe that the mule exhibited certain

symptoms of a stranguary, and as cold is useful in that complaint, the water thrown over him had probably accelerated his cure. (Fisher's Travels through Spain.)

Sonnets.

ON BAMBOROUGH CASTLE.*

Ye holy towers, that shade the wave-worn steep, Long may ye rear your aged brows sublime, Tho', hurrying silent by, relentless Time Assail you, and the winter whirlwinds sweep! Far, far from blazing grandeur's crowded halls, Here CHARITY hath fix'd her chosen seat,

Oft list'ning fearful, when the wild waves beat, With hollow bodings, round your ancient walls! And PITY, at the dark and stormy hour

Of midnight, when the moon is hid on high, Keeps her lone watch upon the topmost tow'r, And turns her ear to each expiring cry; Bless'd if her aid some fainting wretch might

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