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But alas! I soon found the defects of my skill,
And my nostrums in practice proved treacherous

still.

From life's certain ills 'twas in vain to seek ease,
The remedy oft proved another disease.
What in rapture began, often ended in sorrow,
And pleasure to-day brought reflection to-morrow.
When each action was over its errors were seen,
And I view'd with surprise the strange thing I had
been;

That at each other's failings both parties conniv'd;
My body and mind were so oddly contriv'd.
Imprudence of mind brought on sickness and pain,
The body diseased paid the debt back again:
Thus coupled together life's journey they pass'd,
Till they wrangled and jangled, and parted at last;
Thus wearied and worn out I've finish'd my course,
Am glad it is bed-time, and things are no worse.

Humour.

A LETTER FROM THE PEPPER BOX
TO THE SALT BOX.

MY DEAR SAL:-Not having an opportunity of approaching near enough yesterday, during either dinner or supper, to speak to you, I have prevailed upon the coal-box, who has formed a coalition with the grate, and is now going to mend the parlour fire, to deliver this -letter into your saline hands. Its purpose is to congratulate you on your promotion from the science of drudgery and pestilence to the exalted station you now hold on the chimney-piece, whence you can look down upon the fire-shovel, tongs, and poker, lolling at their ease on the back of the fender, with all the contempt that such ironical sloth and luxury inspire, proceeding generally from such polished persons.

can

of my eyes with the dirt of his coat, upon which I sneezed in his face, and mustered up courage, and challenged him to box (for I was then at all in the ring); but he thought fit to send an apology the next morning by the spoon. The latter is one of his chief leaders, and his mother's name was Pearl. The next to him is Mr. Vinegar, a sharp crabbed fellow; I wish he was mum. The next is a gen tleman I know little about, though I hear he is connected with my family, as well as that of the latter gentleman. He possesses two very extraordinary qualities, that of being hot and chilly at the same time. The next is a dir Sugar-caster (not Pollux) a hypocritical coxcomb, having a powdered head, with his eyes placed on the top, and generally bowing to ladies and children; of an apparently sweet disposition, but in reality acid at bottom, and one who, vinegar-like, sometimes creates iz testine divisions.

Miss Oil, the last in rotation, is of a quie gentle disposition, and no ways related to th family of the Castors, being derived from branch of the Olives, who I wish were bette known in Europe. Thus, my dear Sal, have | endeavoured to describe to you my situation and cannot help admiring you, who are re sorted to by all persons of taste, and witho whose assistance every thing is insipid. T be sure, the tax laid upon you lately was fathe he assured it will only serve to make you a partial and Pitti-ful measure; but you ma dear to the farmers, as well as to the publici general. Adieu, my once crystallized-love! of a shoulder of mutton, and, making a dev hope we shall soon mingle over the blade-bo of the cares of this life, crackle many an h together on the grid-iron of felicity. Mr. Bla and Mr. Cayenne sent their red-hot loves; an I remain yours, with the greatest warinth, and at all seasons, PEPPER-BOX.

66

MR. DUVAL.

Etiquette is the characteristic excellence of gov
society."
LORD CHESTERFIELD.

Though Fashions, they say, seldom live to b

ancient,

As to my own part, I feel a sad reverse: clad
in my humble suit of tin, I stand upon the
kitchen shelf with my hand upon my side,
subservient to the wit of every menial servant;
and, although 4 stare at them with all my eyes
(which you know are pretty numerous), and
very frequently shake my head at them in a
very violent and significant manner, yet they
regard me not, but rattle me abont, till I am
almost induced to cry out, Seven's the main.'
These insults generally commence about one
o'clock, and continue until four, when I am
dressed in a transparent suit of clothes, with a
silver cap, and put to stand round a may-pole
with five or six people of known taste, clad in
like manner, but of various properties and dis-
positions. The first is a Mr. Mustard, who
though esteemed rather thick and clumsey, He held it an act of indelible shame,
and somewhat difficult of access, is neverthe-
less, a sharp pungent sort of fellow at bottom,
so much so, that he has been known to take
people by the nose who were not well-bread to
it. One day, on his return from the dinner
table, he presumed to bung up seven or eight

In Mr. Duval, they were found not so transient;
The date of his school you might read in hi

dress,

But no modern could match him in strict polüesse
Not caring for substance, devoted to form,
In feelings quite cold, but in etiquette warm,

To speak to a person, unless by his name!*

This is perfectly according to the canon."Never in speaking to a person, say Mr. Was d'ye call'um, or Mr. Thingumbob, but ingre his name, and address bim by it."-Chesterfield.

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Miscellanies.

LICENSE OF THE BAR.

(From an Irish Paper.) THE unqualified licence taken by the gentle men of the Bar, in the examination and crossexamination of witnesses, has long been the subject of very general complaint. The abuse, the insinuations of perjury, the insults which the gentlemen of the long robe deal out to the witnesses on the cross-examination, renders it absolutely terrific to a man to encounter an examination; how much more so then must it be to a female, who cannot tell what line of cross-examination the Counsel may choose, in his whim, to adopt; her character, or that of her immediate connexions, may be held up to the vilest, most unfounded slander, when it, perhaps, is totally irrelevant, and this is done without the smallest respect for the feelings of the witnesses. In some cases Counsel have gone so far that the Judge has been obliged to interfere and stop them; but, in general, the unfortunate witnesses are left to the mercy of the Lawyers, who protest they are merely discharging their duty!

It is true that in cases of life and death, every possible indulgence should be given to the Counsel for the prisoner;--for where the life of a human creature is at stake, a person would willingly sacrifice a great deal to huma nity. This abuse has a further injury by wast-' ing the public time:-days are taken up, not in investigating facts, nor asserting the law, but in abusing witnesses.

This was particularly observable in a late trial in the Court of King's Bench, which occupied upwards of three weeks. Commenting upon the conduct of Counsel, in their treatment of witnesses, Lord Chief Justice Downes, in his charge to the Jury, said: "That the

abuse which was heaped on the witnesses by the Counsel on both sides, was sufficient to deter those from coming forward who had facts to disclose:" and he remarked to the Jury, "that he did not join in the censure which was given to the witnesses."

In the Court of Exchequer, some time ago, where a very respectable female was crossexamined, Baron George was obliged to interfere, and stopped the Counsel, saying, "that the questions he put to her were highly improper and indecorous,"

Having thus mentioned the abuse, I shall now state the remedy, which is, however, not generally known: namely, that a witness need not answer any questions put to him by Counsel; he is only obliged to answer such questions as the Judge or Jury shall put to him. If this practice was resorted to, it would soon put a stop to this conduet of the Lawyers,

AN EXQUISITE.

Picture of an Exquisite, alias a Dandy, in distress.

“WALKING along the side of one of the squares last week, it was my fate to follow an exquisite-stocked and stayed, laced and bound, collared and pilloried, in all the fashion; so slender, so straight, and so stiff, that a man of reasonable strength might have used it as a walking stick. This thing, flourishing a very nice perfumed handkerchief, happened to let it drop-the question was then how to get it up again stoop it could not, and I confess I enjoyed its distress, and wished to see how the creature would help itself.—Then thus it was: having eyed the handkerchief askance, something like a magpie peeping into a marrowbone, it gently spraddled out its legs, and lowering the body between them, as in a sitting posture, it brought the left hand in contact with the object sought. What shall we say to the association of ideas, when I assure you, that looking on this unmanly figure, brought into my mind the knights of old, who, once unhorsed, could never, from the stiffness of their armour, hope to mount again.”— N.B. It is found remarkably convenient in such a case for the exquisite to carry a cane or stick, with a hook at the end, as he may fish up any thing he unfortunately drops, without breaking his back, or exciting the pity and risibility of the spectators.

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"A bold stroke for a Wife" brings "The Wed- deceiving enchantress, soothed my mind, and

ding-Day near,

If a "Clandestine Marriage," what then? "Isabella," if willing, "the Stranger" can cheer, And soon make him the happiest of men.

If "Three Weeks after Marriage," "the Honeymoon" o'er,

"Lovers' Quarrels" begin to appear;

I retired to my room between eleven and twelve. The profound silence of the night, and the rays of the moon which, darting through the lozenge glass of my casement, chequered the waxed floor of my room, invited me to take a short airing at my window ere I retired to repose: I had not been there many minutes before I perceived that the nearest

Then All in the Wrong," peace deserts from object to my eyes was the church-yard of the

their door,

While the high "Road to Ruin" is near.

That sometimes" Such Things Are," is, alas!

Very true,

convent, bristling with wooden crosses and small tomb-stones, the last memorandums of innocence and chastity, who had anticipated by a voluntary retirement the blank of oblivion to which death dooms us all. Melancholy, yet pleasing, ideas, glided before the mirror of my mind with uncommon rapidity, and soon excited in me a drowsiness, which the fatigue of the day had already made me eager to inJ. M. L. dulge. I undressed and went to bed.

And gives grief to some fair "Mourning Bride;" Or to some" Provok'd Husband" give good

cause to rue,

That in wedlock they ever were tied. Jan. 3, 1807.

LINES,

BY THE REV. DR. GOULD, OF STAPLEFORD ABBOTS, IN ESSEX, AGED 76,

I slept well, till, at day-break, the noise occasioned by my curtains being violently thrown aside awoke me, and I saw, or thought I saw, a tall emaciated figure standing in the middle of the room, and, with an imperative gesture,

On his Marriage with Miss Gordon, aged about 17. beckoning me. Its dress was white; its eyes,

In days of frolic, mirth, and fun, (My name obnoxious to each pun)

How quick the years have roll'd! Now verging to the close of life, I've taken to myself a wife,

Whose only love is-Gould.

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THE MORNING GHOST. (Extract of a Letter to a Friend.) -THE clock struck nine when I reached the suburbs of Lyons. The hail and rain storm, that had pelted unmercifully since noon, was now over, and the moon began to peep, on the left, through the rolling fleeces of the silver-edged clouds. I put up at an inn which was contiguous to a nunnery, in one of the quietest parts of the town, and, thinking that I was at last free from the jolting of the miserable post chaise I had hired on the road, from the tardiness and obstinacy of the horses, and from the B-s and F-s of the impertinent long-tailed postilion, I sat to supper with tolerable spirits. Adelaide was yet in my heart-her fair form floated in the air before my eyes, and seemed reflected on my glass, on the silver plate, and on the very knife I held in my hand. Ah! sweet soul, how often did I shrink from the idea of dragging an uncomfortable life far, far from thee! But hope, that

sunk in their sockets, shone like portentous meteors; and its hair, dishevelled and onsmoothed, started horridly from all points of the circumference of its long and wedge-like head. The phantom repeated the sullen sunmons, and, as if impelled by an irresistible spell, wrapping my cold and shivering limbs in the counterpane of my bed, I jumped out, and was fixed on a seat in the middle of the room. The ghastly object that stood in my presence, forced me to throw my hands up to my face, when, tearing them away, he loaded them both with a heavy bowl, full to the brim of a most bitter potion; with it he sprinkled my aching eyes, he rubbed my parched lips, filled my ears, and stopped the free breath of my nostrils. I deprecated the horrid abuse; I cried, groaned, supplicated-nothing could assuage the fury of the fiend. A kind of scymetar, of the brightest steel, flashing lightnings from its half-moon-shaped edge, seemed to wheel round my head, whilst the ghost held my reluctant nose between his deadly cold fingers, and the blood gushing, with the most acute pain, from several parts of my face; I strove to run away from my seat, but being fastened to it by a strong ligament, I was nearly choaked by the sudden but useless exertion I made. This hard trial was not yet at an end— the phantom had other torments in store for me! After a thousand mimicries, as puffing, tearing papers, swinging and whirling his arms with astonishing swiftness, he seized on my hair, which he dragged, tore, plucked in all ways imaginable, and strutted around the room with a red-hot piece of iron in his skeleton hand.-What could I do? A cold dew dropped incessantly from my forehead, and I was just on the point of fainting, when the fiend, loosen

ing the fatal knot that hung his victim to the back of the chair, dragged me violently along three rooms to the top of the stair-case, and, after abusing me with numberless avanies, grotesque attitudes, and whimsical contorsions, he vanished in a thin cloud of silvery dust.—

I would have given you my observations on this extraordinary appearance, if my hairdresser had not been waiting more than half an hour in the anti-room, and threatened me ten times with the misery of passing a whole day in sloven neglige, if I would not submit directly to the tortures above described. I remain, &c.

Song.

THE ROSE BUD.

Tune-Humours of Glen,

Z.

Let Africa boast of her sweet blushing vallies,
Where spices and odours embalm the air.

Or Asia vaunt of her wine scented vallies:
Her gold and her gems with their radiant glare.

But Scotia, auld Scotia, her glens and hoar

mountains,

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Her woods and her wild groves, o' blushing Pride. How! Noble, say you? Let me see

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Your patent of Nobility.

Poverty. 'Tis lock'd within my bosom-given
By the great Majesty of Heaven.

Pr. What! you've no 'tree' that shews your race?
No coat' to save you from disgrace?
Our Heralds then must search your mind
For 'points' and 'bearings?'-glorious kind!
But name your parents ;-who are they?
Pov. Honour and Virtue. Pr. Lack-a-day!
Some Nobodies-I dare to say.
Still, tho' no titles you can bring,
Had you with Mammon quartering
No small distinction thence would spring.
For wealth tho' gain'd by trick, is WORTH:-
None ever heed the "scum of earth,"
The grovelling, "Swinish Multitude,"
Who vilely grunt their want of food;—
Wretches, who well might thank their stars,
(Should horses fail)—to draw our cars,
But noble you, who all things lack?
Scarcely a covering for your back;

Dunghill, away! Pov. Base slave, hear this

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Tales.

THE MERCHANT.

(Concluded from our last.)

THE struggle was supported on both sides by every argument; it was the first opinion my dear wife had owned ;—could I refuse her? 1 yielded; I consented; fatal consent!--still, still to be deplored! for ever to be wept!" After I had fully settled my affairs, we sailed for Jamaica, and prosperous was the morning of our voyage. We had completed half our watery course, when a severe tempest arose; the impetuous wind came howling o'er the deep; it dispersed the summit of the swelling wave in airy showers, before it bent the towering mast; the cord escaped not its fury; the billows of the deep rose in rude majesty; the tim'rous bird, unable to resist the tempest's force, sought refuge on our masts; it was then my no less tim'rous wife, by her trembling limbs, and her pale cheeks, betrayed her fear. The little innocent played wanton; for scarce yet beginning to live, she knew nothing of death. I had seated myself by my wife, and endeavoured to abate her fears; while I held her trembling hand, I embraced her, and called her spirits to revive her cheek by the warm pressure of my doating lips. My little fairy clung around my knee, and, with a pardonable jealousy, asked for an equal mark of my affection. At this moment a cry more dismal than the howl of midnight wolves, rushed on my ear; no sound of sense could I distin guish, save these words, A leaks! a leak!Impatient to obtain a knowledge of the truth, I was hastening to the door, when I heard the little innocent reproving her mother in the language she had used to receive;-What! cry, mama! naughty mama! At this I turned me round; had every death that wretch e'er suffered, or the heart of cruelty conceived, awaited my return, I had despised them all; it was then I saw my wife, thee, thee, fair excellence! who, e'en in Heaven, now payest the secret tear to my distress in deepest woe.I, whose joys knew no spring, but thy smile; no summer, but in thy content; no completion, but in thy love; beheld thee then lifeless, as chill frozen winter; fixed and direct was thy eye, languid and senseless thy whole form; a deadly paleness overspread thy cheek; thy lip, as Nature's beauties, veil'd in the spotless snow. I clasped her in my arms;-My love, my life, take courage; who shall dare to die, but the innocent? The fear of danger oft deprives us of the means of safety. "Yes, my beloved Lord, I will take courage; blessed is my lot to share one common death with thee, not weep thy hapless end; but is it not hard to yield this tender lamb a prey to the deep's ravening jaws?"-She turned to the child, and Javished on her unnumbered caresses; mean. while I enquired of our danger; I found it

imminent; we were many leagues from the shore, and the leak threatened our ship with speedy destruction. The crew were employed in forming a raft with the yards, casks, and cordage, on which we might float at the mercy of the ocean; we loaded ourselves with our most valuable effects, and prepared to quit our sinking vessel. I embraced my wife, and, with foreboding heart, bade her a last adieu.-Let the bridegroom imagine my distress; for ne'er did bridegroom feel a tenderer passion than this poor breast then felt, e'en now retains, and shall for ever cherish. The love-fraught eye, the eager kiss, the grasp of agony, spake her farewell. We were quitting our cabin, in order to commit us to the sad chance of speedy death or lingering famine, (for relief lay almost beyond the line of possibility) when a difficulty arose,-Oh, memory! drive me not to distraction! the superior strength of the father promised the dear babe the more probable safety; but the tenderness of the mother gave birth almost to rage; she hugged the darling to her bosom, nor would yield it even to a father's arms. Never till that moment saw I aught in the countenance of my love but softness and submission;-then fear and fierceness blended could I discern in her quick eye.Casting my arms around them, and holding both to my breast, while my tears fell on the innocent, I addressed myself to Heaven:"Almighty God of miracles! sovereign as is thy power, even so lowly be my submission; thy will, O Lord, be done; yet in thy mercy, gracious power, look down upon this infant; visit not the transgressions of the parent on the faultless offspring, nip not the blossoms with the chilly hand of death."-We then forsook the ship, and trusted to the raft. Not long had we floated, ere we found the weakness of our hope; the raft was not proof against the attacks of the beating billows. A wave, lofty as the mountain, came rushing as the thunder-bearing cloud, and in an instant bore from my fond arms all that my soul held dear.” The utterance of Alarbus was now suspended by distress; he suddenly quitted the bower.The strangers remained weeping, fixed, and silent; save the sobs of Louisa, which she could not suppress. It was not long, however, ere Alarbus returned; he-seated himself, and with an affected composure continued his narrative: "Providence directed my hand to a part of our floating ruin. I emerged hastily from the deep, and mounting on the instrament of my preservation, gazed wildly, in hope to discover iny poor wife or child in some such situation. In vain, alas! in vain did I gaze; for nothing could my eye discern but the dark sky, and mounting billows. The height of my sorrows deprived me of sensation; regard less of my fate, I sate in stupid sullenness, and so continued, till I beheld, not distant from me far, a boat, whose course seemed pointed towards me. By the help of their glasses, the crew had perceived me long ere!

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