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MICROCOSM.

No. III

selves alone, they study. The vulgar herd of mortals are blinded by ambition, elated by hope, depressed by fear, melted by love, tortured by jealousy, and in short racked by all the vicissitudes of the more violent, or agitated by the quick transitions of the softer, passions. There are those who would hear of the enfranchisement of Greece, and the desolation of the Palatinate, with the same emotion; and distinguish no essential difference in the characters of Alexander and Uncle Toby: but even these would be infinitely disordered to find the economy of their apartments deranged by an unlucky kitten, almost faint at a broken pane, and be absolutely taken ill of an everted coal-box. The genuine Apathist alone, equally superior to the violent attacks of passion, and the teazing impertinence of fretfulness, has, notwithstanding these advantages, condescension sufficient to confine himself to the humbler sphere of the social duties; that is, he eats and drinks with the most refined politeness; and would rather forfeit his existence than be guilty of such a solecism in good breeding as to drain a tea-pot, or replenish his own cup before those of his companions.

Not but he frequently exercises functions of a different nature, and personates the man of taste, the genius, and the critic; (nay, there have been known those who have entertained certain a grovelling quality called common sense.) He has in vague notions of short the reputation of being every thing, with the satisfaction of being nothing. I have known a complete adept in the external forms required on such an occasion, by one short sentence (carefully omitting the articles, pronouns, and verb substantive) establish or destroy the fame of the most capital hosiers. And

any one who is acquainted with the signs whereby to distinguish them, may not unfrequently see the most eminent among them in yawning majesty, gaping out the character of an unread author to their astonished retainers.

Wit indeed is a bagatelle for which they seem to entertain the most aversion, and to discourage not only among their own body, but in any promiscuous company into which they may chance to be thrown; and this, not by the trite path of stale dogmatical precepts, but by the more uncommon and striking method of example. And to shew how successful is this plan, I will venture to assert, that any one who should hear but a single jest of a genuine Apathist, would, for at least a week afterwards, be thoroughly convinced of the impropriety of being facetious.

But as in this tenet I perfectly agree with the Apathist, that "example strikes where precept fails," it will perhaps, more clearly than any description of mine, illustrate the true character of what is called in the phrase of our citizens a dead lounger, to lay before them a second favour from my old friend and correspondent Narcissus. It is a journal of his Sunday's employment; and if I may judge from the complete system which it contains, must be the production of a profound adept. He desiresmy decision on his plan of life; but, as I am not yet grown callous in the office of a censor, I consign him to the customary method of trial by a jury of his Peers.

DEAR GREG. "To dissipate vapeur what remedy d'ye think have chosen? To write journal, He! He! He! Want to know how I kill time; your opinion, Your's, NARCISSUS."

Sunday morning, half-past nine. Yawned; execrably sleepy.

"Ten. Read half your bill.-Head-ach.

Half-past ten. Too cold for church.-Head-ach increased by bell.-N. B. To change my apartment that I may avoid that noise.

"Eleven to twelve. Took my chocolate.-Read half a page of Henrietta Harville.-Mem. Never to read sentimental Novels after the 1st of May, or before 1st November.

"Twelve. Terrace,-not a soul.-On my return saw cocked hat with man under it.

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Half-past one. Dinner.-No appetite.

"Two. Froth called.-Argument with Froth on long quartered shoes.-N. B. Froth dismally in the wrong. "Three to four. Slept.-Dreamt of butterflies. "Four. Dressed for Castle prayers.

"Half-past four. Lounged with Froth to Castle prayers. Stonishing Rou.-Man in buzz wig.Fribble in thread stockings.-Mem. Froth and self to drop his acquaintance.-Mem. Broke little boy's head. Mem. Gave the dog a shilling.

"Half-past five. Sipped my tea with Feather.N. B. His silk stockings.-N. B. The pattern seen last winter in town.-N. B. Not to tell him till he has worn them.

"Six to half-past. Yawned and rou'd.

"Half-past to seven. Rou'd and yawned.

"Seven to eight. Got vapours by looking out Microcosm.

"Eight to nine. Wrote my journal.-Buckled my shoe.

"Nine to ten. Intolerable vapours.-N. B. Vapours greatest bore in universe.

"Ten to half-past. Lounged to Dapper's room.Caught him reading Latin.-Smoked him.-Rou'd him.-Mem. Dapper in covered buttons.-O imitatores, ser, ser, ser, Lud, my memory! Do you remember the line in Virgil, Greg.?

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Half-past ten to eleven. Put on slippers and night gown.-Picked teeth.

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Eleven to twelve. Went to bed."

As an acknowledgement for the assistance Narcissus has afforded me, it is but reasonable that I should, as far as lies in my power, comply with the concluding request of his first billet. There is at present a vacant seat in the lounging club, occasioned by the expulsion of one of its members for explaining a passage in Horace. As far as mental qualifications have any weight in the scale, he is perfectly adapted to fill the chair. The honour of being a candidate, was, by the unanimous votes of the society, conferred on the Microcosmopolitan; and an evening accordingly fixed for my examination. Having received timely notice of their intentions, I prepared myself accordingly; and about half-past four was ushered into an apartment, in which, at a modest distance from a tea equipage, were seated five respectable personages.

Now, gentle reader, before I proceed in the account of my reception, it is necessary that I premise that it is not the mere mechanical qualities of an author which have induced me to assume the character of a MICROCOSMOPOLITAN; but that as my predecessor with the short face derived perhaps more dignity from that distinguishing feature, which was to set him apart from the rest of mankind, than from any observation in his own work, so nature seems to have cut

me out for a periodical writer, by endowing a long nose of mine with so strange a predilection for my chin, as on most occasions to form no very harmonious cadence in my organs of elocution.

"Hinc mihi prima mali labes: Hence the first origin of my ill?" For when, in return to the extravagant politeness of the whole room, I began to attempt something like a compliment, it had so visible an effect on the nerves of my audience, that, forgetting the etiquette of receiving a stranger, they with one accord applied their hands to the offended seat of hearing. Nay, so violent were the emotions of one of them, that he sprung across the table with the agility of a monkey, articulating, as well as the chattering of his teeth would allow him, "I hope in Gad the animal is ta-a-ame." An universal titter was the immediate consequence of this ejaculation, when the president, turning to me with a self-complacent apologizing simper, observed, that "I must excuse Mr. Tinsel's oddities, as I should find him upon the whole a lounging creeter." Upon my bowing, a general silence ensued, till one of the company, in a voice which left me to doubt whether he was broad awake, yawned out, "Tinsel, you have wetted my stocking." The whole room, except Tinsel, (whose late alarm had forced him to have recourse to an adjacent lavender bottle,) as if they had preconcerted a reply, reiterated twaddle. So general an exclamation, in a term which came nearer to waddle than any thing I had any idea of, I mistook for a personal application to me, till I saw the harmless creatures unanimously applying their white handkerchiefs to the injured stocking.

As soon as this important concern was adjusted,