hours with the most perfect indolence, is chosen PRESIDENT for the ensuing week; with many privileges that I may possibly acquaint you with hereafter. The immediate peals of applause that follow the promotion would do your heart good, and has made me take more pains to arrive at the honour, than the closest attention to my education would have cost me. I proved to the satisfaction of the whole society last Saturday, that all the traces of my abilities, discoverable for the last week, were those before them on the chimney piece from a hot poker. What shouts of applause! and I was actually hustled one foot into the chair, when an unlucky member discovered that I had taken too much pains in burning the initial letters of my name, and that they remained an indelible proof against me. He sprung into the chair with the unanimous voice of the whole club, for it was proved in his favour, that in the whole course of the week he had done nothing, except indeed throwing a cravat into the fire, because it had been ill washed, and was not brought the moment he ordered it.

There was exertion in this, added to some abuse he had given the servant, and I voted to dispossess him; but it appeared, that his tutor, with a mildness peculiar to himself, had taken great pains that very morning to convince him of his errors; that his idleness and extravagance deeply distressed an indulgent father was ruin to the hopes of his whole familyand a melancholy waste of abilities that he might some time lament, but never have the power to retrieve. To this, and much more, dictated by virtue and friendship, he turned an ear of non-chalance, vowed it was an excessive bore, flew to the club, and sent for a new pair of buckles three inches larger than the

last. I roared my consent to the promotion of such a jolly dog, proof against the mildest dictates of reason -the strongest ties of gratitude and affection-and the necessity of that economy which his situation in life particularly demanded from him. I now stand a candidate for the next week, and in the name of all the powers of indolence, my dear Greg., don't bring lounging into contempt till I have shared the honours of the society.

"You have absolutely destroyed us by your raillery against swearing. It was a happy relief for dullness, and supplied the want of information upon every subject. I swore roundly on the cleverness of your first number, and had actually practised a new and choice collection of execrations to come out with the second; and when our PRESIDENT read it, (a labour, by the by, that but for his unrivalled claims would have cost him his place,) I sat lounging with one leg carelessly thrown over my knee, patting the other, with my new volley, as I may say, ready at my fingers' ends; but when he had finished I could not express a single syllable, and have not swore an oath since without a sheepish kind of consciousness that destroys as it were the plumpness of utterance; and I verily believe I shall be reduced to the wretched alternative of feigning myself totally dumb, or be at the pains of acquiring some knowledge to qualify myself for conversation.

"I was recovering the other day, and beginning to rap out an execration with a tolerable air of indifference, when a tall fellow tapped me on the shoulder, hallooed Microcosm in my ear, and making me spring at least three feet from the ground, whirled my abortive oath to some attendant spirit, who never

D

let it drop in this world, and I hope will never record it in the next. But, for pity's sake, my dear Greg., don't be too virtuous; leave us some vices to revel in; for at the unmerciful rate you go on, lopping off a vice or a folly every week, we shall be the dullest seminary in Christendom; we shall have nothing to do but study; and I am sadly afraid it will become fashionable to be attentive, diligent, and healthy; for why attempt, by feigned sickness, to escape from scholastic trammels, if it is no longer knowing to swear, lounge, or in any shape play the fool? "Your's, OCTAVIUS."

"Nov. 20, 1786."

Eton, Monday, Nov. 27, 1786.

"To the MICROCOSMOPOLITAN.

"DEAR GRIF.-Being myself a sincere admirer of your plan, and being willing, as far as lay in my power, to contribute to its success, I have made it my business to collect the various observations of your fellow-citizens on their new censor. I shall not detain you with the many different conjectures concerning the meaning and true pronunciation of your title, suffice it, there was not a word beginning with the same letter, or any way resembling it, either in similarity of sound, or an equal number of syllables, to which it was not supposed to have some reference. Nor was the design itself, and the concealment which the author affected, less the subject of investigation. Morality, ribaldry, politics, poetry, panegyric, and personal invective, were by turns hinted at as the materials of your lucubrations. With regard to yourself, were I to mention to you all who were supposed to lie hid under the name of Gregory Griffin, I should

seem to impose on your credulity. Neither the vacant levity of the idler, the solid stupidity of the blockhead, nor the harmless insignificance which distinguishes the lifeless character of the cypher, secured_them from the imputation of GREGORIANISM. Every body's motions were watched with a ridiculous attention; the hapless being who was discovered reading a manuscript of any kind, gave rise to an immediate suspicion; and an unusual distention of the risible muscles at the sight of the Microcosm, effectually branded him with the name of Authorling. Nay, even the innocent letters which composed the name (upon the idea of Cabal and Smectymnus) were adjudged to the rack; and, like tortured criminals, made to confess more than they knew. Nor were there wanting some, who, by shrewd shrugs, and sly inuendos, sagaciously intimated, that, though they said nothing, they knew what they knew. The beak and claws of the imaginary being whose name the author had assumed, were not supposed to be given him for nothing. And many, the summit of whose ambition before had been to pass through life with comfortable serenity, now began to look upon themselves as objects sufficiently dignified for satirical notice, or hoped, at least, to be lashed into importance as the shadows of more distinguished offenders, without personally feeling the smart; as the pillorying of his master reflects honor on the printer's devil, while he himself remains

“I am, Sir, your sincere well wisher,

"OBSERVATOR."

NOTES TO CORRESPONDENTS.—It is not consistent with my plan to insert the letter of TELEMACHUS; as to its publication in the London papers, he is at liberty to use his pleasure. I had unfortunately mislayed the letter of ABSALOM THOUGHTFUL, which prevented my inserting it as I intended. Whenever the hints he furnished me with shall appear, he may depend upon due acknowledgment.-My Female Correspondent, who signs herself DOROTHY TEARSHEET, as I am willing to believe her all that is fair and modest, was not, I should suppose, aware of the tendency of her signature.-CEMETERIUS shall be attended to.

And now, having thus far prosecuted my undertaking with a spirit of industry, inspired by encouragement and applause far above my deserts or my expectations, I must, for awhile, retire from the observation of the public. To my fellow-citizens I need make no apology for the temporary discontinuance of my labours; as the same event which causes that cessation, disperses them into different and distant parts of the kingdom, whither the works of the Microcosmopolitan could not be conveyed to them without a trouble and expense of which they are unworthy. Those of my readers who do not come under that denomination, will not, I hope, be offended at the pause I am thus necessitated to make, but will receive, with equal kindness and indulgence, my weekly lucubrations from MONDAY, the 15th of January next, on which day they will be recommenced, to be continued without further interruption.

P. S. During this interval, any letter (post paid) will reach the author with the usual direction.

No. 7. MONDAY, JANUARY 15, 1787.

For sprightly jokes or sportive wit.

"To GREGORY GRIFFIN, Esq.

"SIR,-To discharge with faithfulness the duties of the important office which you have undertaken, you ought, in my opinion, to omit nothing which might be any way conducive to the advantage or improvement of your fellow citizens; to the advancement of their welfare, or the support of their dignity. Of this number I have the honour to be one; and by grounding a few remarks on the subject which I now offer to your consideration, you will confer a benefit not only on me, but on many others of the great as well