as little world, who may labour under the same calamity. "You must know, Mr. Griffin, that it is my hard hap to receive an annual invitation from an old gentleman, a distant relation of mine, to spend every Christmas at his hall, in a northern county. This compliment I am never at liberty to refuse; as his estate being very large, and himself too far advanced in life to give any apprehensions of matrimony, my family have built great hopes and expectations on his partiality for me. That you may understand the nature of my misfortunes, it is necessary to inform you that he is one of that race of men called country 'squires; who having been deprived of the advantages of a liberal education by the foolish fondness of his parents, which occasioned them always to keep him in their sight, professes to hold book-learning in the greatest contempt. Hence he takes no small pleasure to overthrow the arguments advanced by the parson of the parish in its favour, by alleging its inefficacy to enrich a man, which he exemplifies in the poverty of his opponent; and adds, with a triumphant sneer, that if his learning would get him a good living, he would say something.' In short, Sir, this talent of joking, is the grievance of which I complain; for when the old gentleman is once in the humour, he is apt to be unmercifully waggish; an event which never fails to take place on the day of my arrival. "I would you could see us, Mr. Griffin, as we sit round the table in the great hall; you might then possibly form some idea of my miserable situation.It is necessary, for your proper information, to premise, that the company on that day always consists of the 'squire, with his feet in flannel, (the gout, like myself, usually paying its annual visit about this time ;) -the parson of the parish, who is always invited to welcome me, and two nieces of the 'squire, who have passed some years with him, not much to the advantage of their education, and are dizened out on this occasion in all their finery. "Having for several years been accustomed to sustain a very regular fire of wit all the first evening of my arrival, and knowing from experience the order in which the jokes succeed each other, I can now nearly bear the battle without flinching. The first attack is made, as the parson terms it, à posteriori, by desiring a cushion to be brought for me to sit down upon; one of his nieces, with a suitable grin on her countenance, inquires the reason, as in duty bound, for which she is referred to me; and on my protesting my ignorance of it, the old gentleman's right eye instantly assumes an arch leer at the company, while with a composed gravity he inquires of me whether birch grows pretty plentifully about Eton?" This question is immediately followed by an ungovernable he! he! from the young ladies, and a sly I warrant ye!' from the parson. The 'squire having for a time retained his gravity, at length, as if quite overcome by the force of his own wit, gives himself up to a loud and tumultuous vociferation. This grand volley of wit, with the scattered small shot that follow, concerning, great home consumption of the article; great demand for pickle, diachylon, &c. &c. generally fills up the space before dinner. That joke indeed about the similitude of our arms to the American, namely thirteen stripes, did, the first time of hearing, occasion me to laugh heartily; the second recital provoked a smile; but I am now grown so callous by dint of frequent repetition, that I can hear it without moving a muscle of my countenance. "At dinner all my troubles begin afresh. The very dishes are calculated to furnish out a set of witticisms. The leg of mutton he supposes he may help me to, as he dares to say that I never heard of any such thing at Eton; the boiled fowls he conjectures to be too common food for me; and he declares himself not without apprehensions that I may find fault with the poorness of his wines, being accustomed to drink none but the choicest elsewhere. During the interval between the first and second course, it is easy to perceive that there has been some little plan concerted for my surprise or mortification. Every nose in company has a forefinger applied to it to inforce secrecy; and every eye is fixed on my countenance, to enjoy the transports which I am expected to discover at the entrance of a plum-pudding of immoderate size, half of which is immediately transferred to my plate, accompanied with sundry wise cautions to lose no time, and not to be too modest. While, in my own defence, I am endeavouring to make away with some little portion of it, the 'squire declares he thought he should surprise me; and on my disclaiming any such surprise, an appeal is made to the rest of the company, by whom it is unanimously resolved, that, when the pudding made its appearance, I betrayed the strongest symptoms of rapturous admiration. "Finding it in vain to contend, I now resign myself to my fate ;-nor long the time before the old gentleman's countenance begins to undergo various revolutions, which seem to prognosticate some stroke of uncommon pleasantry and at the appearance of a dish of pippins, I prepare myself with christian : patience for the good story, which I am assured I never heard before,-namely, 'a full and true account of his being caught in Farmer Dobson's orchard, stealing, as it might be, just such apples as these, when he was just about my age.'-It is now, Mr. Griffin, just fourteen years since I first heard this story; and every one of the fourteen times of telling it, he has, with wonderful facility, adapted it to my comprehension, by contriving to be just about my age' when the adventure happened. The tale being told, it is customary for one of his nieces to ask me in a whisper, if I don't think him monstrous funny? on my assenting to it, I am informed, that he has some such comical stories I can't think,' and that she will get him to tell me how old Dixon tricked the Londoner.' Nor is it without an infinite number of protestations, that I am able to make her sensible of my perfect acquaintance with all the circumstances of that notable history, and to dissuade her from a courtesy so superfluous. "After some short respite, I perceive the old gentleman begins to grow waggish again, and am soon desired to stand up and measure heights with the young ladies.-As I am some years older than they, I have been regularly found some inches taller every time of measurement; and this circumstance has as regularly produced one wink of the 'squire's right eye, and two several repetitions of the old proverb, that Ill weeds grow apace.' "Next follows my examination by the parson, touching the proficiency which I have made; prefaced indeed by the 'squire's declaring himself willing to wager any thing on my knowing all about it as well as the best of them; during the ceremony he usually falls asleep, and, on waking, takes the opportunity to have a fling at the parson, by asking significantly, ́ whether I am too hard for him!' "But in short, Mr. Griffin, I lament my inability to give you a perfect idea of this character, which, however, I am persuaded is not very uncommon. There are, no doubt, many, who, in the same manner, aim at the reputation of wits, without any advantages either of natural abilities or acquired understanding. On such as these I could wish you to bestow some advice for the correction of their ignorant pretensions and the amendment of their erroneous opinions. These are the people most apt to indulge their satirical humour at the expense of your fellow-citizens, whose honour and credit it is your duty to defend against every calumniatory imputation. Tell, then, these good people, how widely mistaken they are in supposing that the mind of youth, like the vegetation of the walnut-tree, is quickened by blows in its advances to maturity. Tell them, that the waters of Helicon do not flow with brine; nor are the laurel and the birch so intimately interwoven in the chaplets of the muses as they are willing to believe. Tell them, also, that an increase of knowledge does not necessarily bring with it a proportionable increase of appetite; and that the being able to read a Roman author with facility, does not justify the supposition of an immoderate desire for toast and butter, and an insatiable craving for plum-pudding. Remind them that these and all similar jokes, which they are pleased to make use of on these occasions, have been made the same use of at least fifty times before. Advise them to reflect how often they themselves, on the same subjects, at stated opportunities, have reiterated |