Do Ants Have Assholes?: And 106 of the World's Other Most Important Questions

Front Cover
Sourcebooks, Inc., Apr 1, 2009 - Humor - 192 pages

"Every year, one funny book seems to stand out from all the others. This year, it's Do Ants Have [Assholes]?…a rip-roaring parody"
Spectator

"The book being touted as this year's can't-miss, downstairs-loo-fixture of a dead-cert publishing-phenomenon-sensation"
Guardian

"A very funny spoof of pop-science collections"
Daily Telegraph

A venerable and historic newspaper, the Old Geezer is read and respected by the world's most conscientious, upright citizens. When these beacons of
respectability have serious questions, they turn to the Old Geezer's "Questions and Answers" page.

Do Ants Have Assholes? collects the enlightening answers to thought-provoking questions such as:

  • If you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant, what do you do?
  • How many men would it take to kill an elephant with their bare hands?
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?
  • Are "crabs" related to crabs?
  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?
 

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User Review  - jacqui1115 - Overstock.com

this book was bought for entertainment purposes. it made me laugh but had its stupid parts too. Read full review

Selected pages

Contents

An Introduction by the Editor
1
Are there any undiscovered colors?
3
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
4
When sign makers go on strike how do they make their point?
6
Every day Im surrounded by people who talk but dont listen to each other Has anyone ever calculated what percentage of conversation is actually ...
8
How many men would it take to kill an elephant with their bare hands?
10
Who gets to name the Dulux color chart?
11
Do ants have assholes?
13
Why dont sheep shrink when it rains?
94
Why do people when they want to be offensive say No offense but? Or when they want to be funny say Im not being funny but?
96
Did Adam and Eve commit incest?
98
How long is the longest nounonly tabloid headline ever?
101
What was the firstever traffic accident?
102
Why cant girls throw?
104
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
105
Why do majorleague baseball players talk about giving 110? Are they innumerate?
106

Where does my lap go when I stand up? And can I have it back?
15
Are crabs related to crabs?
16
Is laughter the best medicine?
17
Whats in a name?
19
Is it a biological coincidence or a matter of function that my index finger fits perfectly in my nostrils my ears and my asshole?
22
Has the snow come early in Moscow this year?
23
I would love to know what your readers think I should do with my hair It is naturally very curly and bizarrely the longer it gets the tighter the curls b...
26
What does titfink mean?
27
How can you mend a broken heart?
29
What are the benefits of smoking?
31
Is it possible to fall into a barrel of shit and come up smelling like roses?
32
What is the best way to help the environment?
33
Ive just watched Shaun of the Dead with my girlfriend Can any of your old geezers tell me if dogs really can look up?
34
How can our dad find Monday Night Football so amazing? He has watched every episode since 1979 and yet every week he cries out Unbelievable a...
36
Subsequent to Mr Hardimans question about how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood do any readers know w...
37
Why do apples fall?
38
Is it true that cheese was once made from breast milk?
39
Why do I always lose socks in the dryer?
41
When I was in the reserves our drill sergeant used to threaten us with thepicket if our appearance didnt come up to scratch We were terrified at the pr...
46
Is it possible to bore someone to death?
47
Why do we take a break instead of having one? Surely the break stays where it is?
48
If love is blind why is lingerie so popular?
49
Ever since I was an adolescent whenever I go near a magnet I get a nosebleed How can I stop this?
50
Is there another word for synonym?
51
Why is marmalade not called orange jam?
54
Will your answer to this question be no?
55
Why dont the Germans have a sense of humor?
56
Why do evil villains always include ventilation shafts in their strongholds? Do they never learn?
60
Why do I always lose socks in the dryer? reprise
61
Im afraid my girlfriend is not satisfied in bed How normal is this and is there anything I can do?
62
Is there a place on earth where for any reason the sun doesnt shine?
65
Why do suburban women feel compelled to drive those ridiculous huge unenvironmental SUV s?
67
Is honesty the best policy?
68
Why do people write to their diaries in the second person as in Dear Diary
70
Where is the middle of nowhere?
72
Can birds fly upside down?
75
If a deaf man goes to court is it still called a hearing?
76
Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?
78
Why do round pizzas come in square boxes?
79
Whats the easiest job in the world?
81
If you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plantwhat do you do?
84
Does Terence Twentyman in fact have forty balls?
85
Tarzan always looks very sleek and wellkempt in the films despite being raised by apes How come he doesnt have a beard?
86
How much room do you need to swing a cat?
89
Is it possible to sell your soul?
90
If there are two sides to the force in Star Wars why doesnt Darth Vader come over to the Light Side?
92
If God is so clever could he ask a question that even he couldnt answer?
107
How easy is it to fall off a log?
108
How do dogs born without noses smell?
110
Has the sort of chocolate money you get at Christmas ever been legal tender?
111
Why shouldnt actors work with animals or children?
112
Do we really have no bananas?
115
Is it true that a horse was once Pope?
116
What do NASA scientists say instead of its not rocket science you know?
119
Why is there only one Monopoly Commission?
120
My best friend reckons that if heeats the right foods he can make a hollow turd Is he telling the truth?
124
My daughter recently showed me that by pressing different keys on my computer I can create shortcutsbut for the life of me I cannot replicate her pr...
125
Is it a cliché to say that a phrase is something of a cliché?
127
If one synchronized swimmer drowns do they all have to drown?
128
What is the real origin of the term Prince Albert? I presume it has nothing to do with the royal consort?
129
Is it possible to exist on a diet consisting solely of one type of foodstuff?
130
Is Beckham a bender?
132
How much can I get away with and still go to Heaven?
133
Why did Hitler have such a silly moustache?
135
Does the Queen really go to the toilet like the rest of us?
137
What have the Romans ever done for us?
138
Who designs the interiors of sitcom apartments and chooses all the vases and furniture that belongs to Frasier Jerry Seinfeld etc?
139
What is the origin of the word mugshot?
142
What is the perfect crime?
143
If a monkey farts does it smell like bananas?
150
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
151
Do worms turn?
153
Why is it clarfications in the title of your monthly letters page and not clarifications?
156
Some neighbors of mine have recently reported broken eggs on their lawns Does this mean that the cuckoo is in season?
158
Why isnt there mouseflavored cat food?
160
The producers of the British breakfast spread Marmite are proud of the fact that you either love it or hate ityet my housemate claims to be indifferent ...
163
Do stupid people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
164
My English friend is always saying I havent seen you for yonks because we havent met for ages How long is a yonk exactly?
166
Ive lived in Australia all my life but have never known more than a handful of Sheilas Where does the idea of the average Australian woman being c...
168
I think therefore I am are you?
170
Why have urban foxes become so much more daring in the last few years?
172
Whats the oldest trick in the book?
175
Why do houses carry signs saying SOL D?
176
Whats the perfect sandwich?
179
I was listening to Garrison Keillors radio show and a character referred to himself as a closet claustrophobeis this possible?
180
Which came first the chicken or the egg?
182
What does it all mean?
183
Who comes up with all those marketing sayings eg thinking outside of the box?
186
Is correct spelling and grammar reallythat important?
188
Back Cover
191
Copyright

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About the author (2009)

Bruno Vincent has never been regarded as an acknowledged expert in any field or set up his own off-beat quarterly publication.

Jon Butler has received no prizes for his writing. He does not divide his time between New York and the South of France.

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