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I could not speak with Dromio since at first Dro. S. Basting:
Dro. S. If it be, sir, I pray you eat none How now, sir! is your merry humour alter'd? Ant. S. Your reason?
(of it. As you love strokes, so jest with me again. Dro. S. Lest it make you choleric, and purYou know no Centaur? 'You receiv'd no gold? chase me another dry basting. Your mistress sent to have me home to dinner? Ant. S. Well, sir, learn to jest in good My house was at the Phænix? Wast thou mad, time : there's a time for all things. That thus so madly thou didst answer me? Dro. S. I durst have denied that, before Dro. S. What answer, sir ? when spake I you were so choleric. such a word?
[an-hour since. Ant. $. By what rule, sir ? Ant. S. Even now, even here, not half- Dro. S. Marry, sir, by a rule as plain as the Dro. S. I did not see you since you sent me plain bald pate of father Time himself. hence,
(me. Ant. S. Let's hear it. Home to the Centaur with the gold you gave Dro. S. There's no time for a man to recover Ant. S. Villain, thou didst deny the gold's his hair that grows bald by nature. receipt,
Ant. S. May he not do it by fine and reAnd told'st me of a mistress, and a dinner ;
covery? For which I hope thou felt'st I was displeas'd. Dro. S. Yes, to pay a fine for a periwig, Dro. S. I am glad to see you in this merry and recover the lost hair of another man. vein :
(me. Ant. S. Why is Time such a niggard of What means this jest ? I pray you, master, tell hair
, being, as it is, so plentiful an excrement? Ant. S. Yea, dost thou jeer, and flout me Dro. S. Because it is a blessing that he in the teeth?
bestows on beasts : and what he hath scanted Think'st thou jest? Hold, take thou that, men in hair, he hath given them in wit. and that.
(Beating him. Ant. S. Why, but there's many a man hath Dro. S. Hold, sir, for God's sake! now your more hair than wit. jest is earnest :
Dro. S. Not a man of those, but he hath the Upon what bargain do you give it me ? wit to lose his hair.
Ant. S. Because that I familiarly sometimes Ant. S. Why, thou didst conclude hairy Do use you for my fool, and chat with you, men plain dealers, without wit. Your sauciness will jest upon my love,
Dro. S. The plainer dealer, the sooner lost : And make a common of my serious hours. yet he loseth it in a kind of jollity. When the sun shines let foolish gnats make Ant. S. For what reason? sport,
Dro. S. For two; and sound ones too. But creep in crannies when he hides his beams. Ant. S. Nay, not sound, I pray you. If you will jest with me, know my aspect Dro. S. Sure ones, then. And fashion your demeanour to my looks, Ant. S. Nay, not sure, in a thing falsing. Or I will beat this method in your sconce. Dro. S. Certain ones, then.
Dro. S. Sconce, call you it? so you would Ant. S. Name them. leave battering, I had rather have it a head : Dro. S. The one, to save the money that he an you use these blows long, I must get a spends in trimming; the other, that at dinner sconce for my head, and insconce it 100; or they should not drop in his porridge. else I shall seek my wit in my shoulders. But, Ant. S. You would all this time have proved I pray, sir, why am I beaten ?
there is no time for all things. Ant. S. Dost thou not know?
Dro. S. Marry, and did, sir; namely, no time Dro. S. Nothing, sir, but that I am beaten. to recover hair lost by nature. Ant. S. Shall I tell you why?
Ant. S. But your reason was not substanDro. S. Ay, sir, and wherefore ; for they tial, why there is no time to recover. say every why hath a wherefore,
Dro. S. Thus I mend it: Time himself is Ant. S. Why, first, -for fouting me ; and bald, and therefore, to the world's end, will then, wherefore,--for urging it the second have bald followers. time to me.
(beaten out of season, Ant. S. I knew'twould be a bald conclusion. Dro. S. Was there ever any man thus But soft! who wafts us yonder? When in the why and the wherefore is neither
Enter Adriana and Luciana. Well, sir, I thank you. (rhyme nor reason ? Adr. Ay, ay, Antipholus, look strange, and Ant. S. Thank me, sir ! for what ?
frown : Dro. S. Marry, sir, for this something that some other mistress hath thy sweet aspects ; you gave me for nothing.
I am not Adriana, nor thy wise.
(vow Ant. S. I'll make you amends next, to give The time was once, when thou unurg'd wouldst you nothing for something. But say, sir, is it That never words were music to thine ear, dinner-time?
(that I have. That never object pleasing in thine eye. Dro. S. No, sir : I think the meat wants That never touch well welcome to thy hand, Ant. S. In good time, sir ; what's that? That never meat sweet-savour'd in thy taste,
Unless I spake, or look'd, or touch'd, or carv'd Makes me with thy strength to communicate : to thee.
(comes it, If aught possess thee from me, it is dross, How comes it now, my husband, "O! how Usurping ivy, briar, or idle moss ; That thou art thus estranged from thyself? Who, all for want of pruning, with intrusion Thyself I call it, being strange to me, Infect thy sap, and live on thy confusion. That, undividable, incorporate,
Ant. S. To me she speaks ; she moves me Am better than thy dear self s better part.
for her theme : Ah, do not tear away thyself from me! What, was I married to her in my dream ? For know, my love, as easy may'st thou fall Or sleep I now, and think I hear all this? A drop of water in the breaking gulf,
What error drives our eyes and ears amiss? And take unmingled thence drop again, Until I know this sure uncertainty, Without addition or diminishing,
I'll entertain the offer'd fallacy. [dinner. As take from me thyself, and not me too. Luc. Dromio, go bid the servants spread for How dearly would it touch thee to the quick, Dro. S. O, for my beads ! I cross me for a Shouldst thou but hear I were licentious,
sinner. And that this body, consecrate to thee, This is the fairy land : O spite of spites ! By ruffian lust should be contaminate! We talk with goblins, owls, and elvish sprites : Wouldst thou not spit at me, and spurn at me, If we obey them not, this will ensue, -And huri the name of husband in my face, They'll suck our breath, or pinch us black and And tear the stain'd skin off my harlot-brow, blue.
[swer'st not? And from my false hand cut the wedding-ring Luc. Why pratest thou to thyself, and anAnd break it with a deep-divorcing vow? Dromio thou drone, thou snail, thou slug, thou I know thou canst ; and therefore, see thou do
sot ! I am possess'd with an adulterate-blot ; [it. Dro. S. Iam transformed, master, am not I? My blood is mingled with the crime of lust: Ant. $. I think thou art, in mind, and so For if we two be one, and thou play false,
(my shape. I do digest the poison of thy flesh,
Dro. S. Nay, master, both in mind and in Being strumpeted by thy contagion.
Ant. S. Thou hast thine own form. Keep, then, fair league and truce with thy true Dro, s.
No, I am an ape. I live unstain'd, thou undishonoured.
Luc. If thou art chang'd to aught, 'tis to an Ant. S. Plead you to sne, fair dame? I ass.
[for grass. know you not :
Dro. S. 'Tis true ; she rides me, and I long In Ephesus I am but two hours old,
'Tis so, I am an ass; else it could never be, As strange unto your town as to your talk ; But I should know her, as well as she knows Who, every word by all my wit being scann'd,
[fool, Want wit in all one word io understand. Adr. Come, come ; no longer will I be a Lac. Fie, brother ! how the world is chang‘d To put the finger in the eye and weep, with you!
Whilst man and master laugh my woes to you wont to use my sister thus? She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner. Come, sir, to dinner.-Dromio, keep the gate.
Ani, S. By Dromio? Dro. S. By me? Husband, I'll dine above with you to-day, Adr. By thee ; and this thou didst return And shrive you of a thousand idle pranks. from him,
Sirrah, if any ask you for your master, That he did buffet thee, and, in his blows, Say he dines forth, and let no creature enter. Denied my house for his, me for his wife. Come, sister.-Dromio, play the porter well. Art. S. Did you converse, sir, with this Ant. S. [ Aside.] Am I in earth, in heaven, gentlewoman?
or in hell? What is the course and drift of your compact? Sleeping or waking? mad or well-advis'd ?
Dro. S. I, sir ! I never saw her till this time. Known unto these, and to myself disguis'd ! Ant. S. Villain, thou liest ; for even her I'll say as they say, and persever so, very words
And in this mist at all adventures go. [gate? Didst thou deliver to me on the mart.
Dro. S. Master, shall I be porter at the Dro. S. I never spake with her in all my life. Adr. ; and let none enter, lest I break Ant. S. How can she thus, then, call us by your pate.
[late. Unless it be by inspiration ? (our names, Luc. Come, come, Antipholus ; we dine too Adr. How ill agrees it with your gravity
[Exeunt. To counterfeit thus grossly with your slave, Abe:ting him to thwart me in my mood !
ACT III. Fei: my wrong you are from me exempt,
SCENE I.-The Same. But wrong not that wrong with a more contempt.
Enter Antipholus of Ephesus, Dromio of Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine : Ephesus, Angelo, and Balthazar. Thou art an elm, my husband, -I a vine, Ant. E. Good signior Angelo, you must Whose weakness, married to thy strongerstate, excuse us all ;
My wife is shrewish, when I keep noi hours ; Dro. S. [Within.] The porter for this time, Say that I linger'd with you at your shop
sir ; and my name is Dromio. To see the making of her carkanet,
Dro. E. O villain ! thou hast stolen both And that to-morrow you will bring it home.
mine office and my name ; [blame. But here's a villain, that would face me down The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle He met me on the mart, and that I beat him If thou hadst been Dromio to-day in my place, And charg'd him with a thousand marks in Thou would'st have chang'd thy face for a gold,
name, or thy name for an ass. And that I did deny my wife and house. -- Luce. [Within.] What a coil is there ! Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean Dromnio, who are those at the gate ? by this?
what I know ; Dro. E. Let my master in, Luce. Dro. E. Say what you will, sir, but I know Luce.
Faith, no; he comes too late ; That you beat me at the mart, I have your And so tell your master. hand to show : (gave were ink, Dro. E.
O Lord ! I must laugh :If the skin were parchment, and the blows you Have at you with a proverb ;-Shall I set in Your own handwriting would tell you what I
Ant. E. I think thou art an ass. [think Luce. Have at you with another : that's Dro. E.
Marry, so it doth appear ---When ? can you tell? By the wrongs I suffer, and the blows I bear. Dro. S. Within.]Ifthy name be called Luce, 1 should kick, being kick'd ; and, being at -Luce, thou hast answer'd him well.
(of an ass. Ant. E. Do you hear, you minion? you'll You would keep from my heels, and beware let us in, I hope? Ant. E. You are sad, signior Balthazar : Luce. [Within.) I thought to have ask'd you. pray God, our cheer
Dro. S. [Within.] And you said no. May answer my good-will, and your good Dro. E. So, come, help! well struck!
welcome here. (your welcome dear. there was blow for blow. Bal. I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and Ant. E. Thou baggage, let me in. Ant. E. O, signior Balthazar, either at flesh Lace. Can you tell for whose sake. or fish,
(dainty dish. Dro. E. Master, knock the door hard. A table full of welcome makes scarce one Luce.
Let him knock till it ache. Bai. Good meat, sir, is common ; and every Ant. E. You'll cry for this, minion, if I churl affords.
beat the door down. Ant. E. And welcome more common; for Luce. What needs all that, and a pair of that's nothing but words.
stocks in the town? Bal. Small cheer and great welcome makes Adr. [Within.] Who is that at the door a merry feast.
that keeps all this noise ? Ant. E. Ay, to a niggardly host, and more Dro. S. I'ithin.) By my troth your town sparing guest.
is troubled with unruly boys. But though my cates be mean, take them in Ant. E. Are you there, wife ? you might good part;
better heart. bave come before. (from the door. Better cheer may you have, but not with Adr. Your wife, sir knave! go, get you But soft! my door is lock'd.-Go bid them Dro. E. If you went in pain, master, ihis let us in.
knave would go sore. Dro. E. Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gil- Ang. Here is neithercheer, sir, nor welcome: Dro. S. [Within.] Mome, malt-horse, we would fain have either. capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch !
Bal. In debating which was best, we shall Either get thee from the door, or sit down at part with neither. the hatch.
Dro. E. They stand at the door, master; Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'st bid them welcome hither. for such store,
[the door. Ant. E. There is something in the wind, that When one is one too many? Go, get thee from we cannot get in. Dro. E. What patch is made our porter? Dro. E. You would say so, master, is your My master stays in the street.
garments were thin. Dro. S. Let him walk from whence he came, Your cake here is warm within ; you stand
lest he catch cold on's feet. (the door. here in the cold : [bought and sold. Ant. E. Who talks within there? ho! op'n It would make a man mad as a buck to be so Dro. S. Right, sir ; I'll tell you when, an' Ant. E. Go fetch me something : I'll break you'll tell me wherefore.
ope the gate. (break your knave's pate. Ant. E. Wherefore? for my dinner: I have Dro. S. Break any breaking here, and I'll not din'd to-day.
Dro. E. A man may break a word with you, Dro. S. Nor to-day here you must not, come sir ; and words are but wind : again when you may.
Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not Ant. What art thou that keep'st me out
[out upon thee, hind ! from the house I owe?
Dro. S. It seems thou want'st breaking :
Dro. E. Here's too much "out upon thee!" Or, if you like elsewhere, do it by stealth ; I pray thee, let me in.
Muffle your false love with some show of Dro, S. Ay, when fowls have no feathers,
blindness : and fish have no fin.
[a crow. Let not my sister read it in your eye ; Ant. E. Well, 1/1 break in :-go borrow me Be not thy tongue thy own shame's orator; Dre. E. A crow without feather,-master, Look sweet, speak fair, become disloyalty ; mean you so?
(out a feather : Apparel vice like virtue's harbinger ; For a fish without a fin, there's a fowl with- Bear a fair presence, though your heart be If a crow help us in, sirrah, we'll pluck a crow
tainted ; together..
(iron crow. Teach sin the carriage of a holy saint ; Ant. E. Go, get thee gone ; fetch me an Be secret-false : what need she be acquainted ?
Rul. Have patience, sir ; 0, let it not be so! What simple thief brags of his own attaint? Herein you war against your reputation, "Tis double wrong to truant with your bed, And draw within the cornpass of suspect And let her read it in thy looks at board : The unviolated honour of your wife. (wisdom. Shame hath a bastard fame, well managed; Once this, -- Your long experience of her Ill deeds are doubled with an evil word. Her sober virtue, years, and modesty, Alas, poor women! make us but believe, Plead on her part some cause to you unknown; Being compact of credit, that you love us ; And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse Though others have the arm, show us the Why at this time the doors are made against
sleeve ; Be ruld by me : depart in patience, Lyou. We in your motion turn, and you may move And let us to the Tiger all to dinner,
Then, gentle brother, get you in again ; And about evening come yourself alone Comfort my sister, cheer her, call her wife : To know the reason of this strange restraint. 'Tis holy sport to be a little vain, (strise. If by strong hand you offer to break in,
When the sweet breath of flattery conquers Now in the stirring passage of the day,
Ant. S. Sweet mistress, --what your name A vuigar comment will be made of it ;
is else, I know not, And that supposed by the common rout, Nor by what wonder you do hit of mine, -Against your yet ungalled estimation, Less in your knowledge and your grace you That may with foul intrusion enter in,
[divine. And dwell upon yourgrave when you are dead : Than our earth's wonder ; more than earth For slander lives upon succession,
Teach me, dear creature, how to think and For ezer housed where it gets possession.
speak; Ant. E. You have prevaild: I will depart Lay open to my earthy gross conceit, in quiet,
Smother'd in errors, feeble, shallow, weak, And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry. The folded meaning of your words' deceit. I know a wench of excellent discourse, Against my soul's pure truth why labour you Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle :
To make it wander in an unknown heid? There will we dine. This woman that mean, Are you a god ? would you create me new ? My wife--but, I protest, without desert-- Transform me, then, and to your power I'll Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal : But if that I am I, then well I know yield. To ber will we to dinner.-Get you home, Your weeping sister is no wife of mine, And fetch the chain; by this, I know, 'tis made: Nor to her bed no homage do I owe : Bring it, I pray you, to the Porcupine ; Far more, far more, to you do I decline. For there's the house : that chain will I bestow o, train me not, sweet mermaid, with thy ---Pe it for nothing but to spite my wife-
note, l'pon mine hostess there: good sir, make haste. To drown me in thy sister flood of tears : Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me, Sing, siren, for thyselí, and I will dote : Il knockelsewhere, to see if they'll disdain me. Spread o'er the silver waves thy golden hairs, Anz: I'll meet you at that place some hour And as a bed I'll take them, and there lie; bence.
And, in that glorious supposition, think Ant. E. Do so. This jest shall cost me some He gains by death, that haih such means to expense.
Let love, being light, be drowned if she sink! SCENE II.--The Same.
Luc. What ! are you mad, that you do reaEnter Luciana and Antipholus of Syracuse.
[not know. Luc. And may it be that you have quite Ant. S. Not mad, but mated ; how, I do forgot
Luc. It is a fault that springeth from your A husband's office? Shall, Antipholus,
(being by. Even in the spring of love, thy love-spring rot? Ant. S. For gazing on your beams, fair sun,
Shall love, in building, grow so ruinous ? Luc, Gaze where you should, and that will If you did wed my sister for her wealth,
clear your sight. Then, for her wealth's sake, use her with Ant. S. As good to wink, sweet love, as more kindness.
look on night.
Luc. Why call you me love? call my sister Dro. S. No longer from head to foot, than Ant. S. Thy sister's sister.
(so. from hip to hip : she is spherical, like a globe ; Luc.
That's my sister, I could find out countries in her. Ant. S.
Ant. S. In what part of her body stands It is thyself, mine own selfs better part, Ireland ?
[it out by the bogs. Mine eye's clear eye, my dear heart's dearer Dro. S. Marry, sir, in her buttocks : I found heart,
[aim, Ant. S. Where Scotland ? My food, my fortune, and my sweet hope's Dro. S. I found it by the barrenness; hard My sole earth's heaven, and my heaven's claim. in the palm of the hand.
Luc. All this my sister is, or else should be. Ant. S. Where France ? Ant. S. Call thyself sister, sweet, for I aim Dro. S. In her forehead ; armed and rethee.
verted, making war against her heir. Thee will I love, and with thee lead my
Ant. S. Where England ? Thou hast no husband yet, nor I no wife. Dro. S. I looked for the chalky cliffs, but I Give me thy hand.
could find no whiteness in them ; but I guess, Luc.
O, soft, sir ! hold you still : it stood in her chin, by the salt rheum that ran I'll fetch my sister, to get her good-will. between France and it.
[Exit. Ant. S. Where Spain? [hot in her breath. Enter Dromio of Syracuse, hastily. Dro. S. Faith, I saw it not ; but I felt it Ant. S. Why, how now, Dromio! where Ant. S. Where America, the Indies ? run'st thou so fast ?
Dro. S. O, sir, upon her nose, all o'er emDro. S. Do you know me, sir ? am I Dro- bellished with rubies, carbuncles, sapphires, mio ? am I your man? am I myself? declining their rich aspect to the hot breath of
Ant. S. Thou art Dromio, thou art my Spain, who sent whole armadas of carracks to man, thou art thyself. [and besides myself. be ballast at her nose.
[lands? Dro. S. I am an ass, I am a woman's man, Ant. S. Where stood Belgia, the Nether
Ant. S. What woman's man? and how be- Dro. S. O, sir, I did not look so low. To sides thyself?
conclude, this drudge, or diviner, laid claim Dro. S. Marry, sir, besides myself, I am to me ; call'd me Dromio ; swore I was assured due to a woman; one that claims me, one to her ; told me what privy marks I had about that hunts me, one that will have me. me, as the mark of my shoulder, the mole in
Ant. S. What claim lays she to thee? my neck, the great wart on my left arm, that
Dro. S. Marry, sir, such claim as you would I, amazed, ran from her as a witch : lay to your horse ; and she would have me as And, I think if my breast had not been made a beast : not that, I being a beast, she would of faith, and my heart of steel, have me ; but that she, being a very beastly She had transform d me to a curtail dog, and creature, lays claim to me.
made me turn i the wheel. (road : Ant. S. What is she?
Ant. S. Go hie thee presently, post to the Dro. S. A very reverent body : ay, such a And if the wind blow any way from shore, one as a man may not speak of, without he I will not harbour in this town to-night : say, “sir-reverence." I have but lean luck in If any bark put forth, come to the mart, the match, and yet is she a wondrous fat Where I will walk till thou return to me. marriage.
[riage? If every one knows us, and we know none, Ant. S. How dost thou mean,-a fat mar- "Tis time, I think, to trudge, pack, and be gone.
Dro. S. Marry, sir, she's the kitchen-wench, Dro. S. As from a bear a man would run and all grease ; and I know not what use to for life, put her to, but to make a lamp of her, and So fly I from her that would be my wife. run from her by her own light. I warrant,
[Eril. her rags, and the tallow in them, will burn a Ant. S. There's none but witches do inhabit Poland winter ; if she lives till doomsday, here ; she'll burn a week longer than the whole world. And therefore 'tis high time that I were hence.
Ant. S. What complexion is she of? She that doth call me husband, even my soul
Dro. S. Swart, like my shoe, but her face Doth for a wise abhor : but her fair sister, nothing like so clean kept : for why, she Possess'd with such a gentle sovereign grace, sweats ; a man may go over shoes in the Of such enchanting presence and discourse, grime of it.
Hath almost made me traitor to myself : Ant. S. That's a fault that water will mend. But, lest myself be guilty to self-wrong,
Dro. S. No, sir, 'tis in grain ; Noah's flood I'll stop mine ears against the mermaid's song. could not do it.
Enter Angelo. Ant. S. What's her name?
Ang. Master Antipholus, -Dro. S. Nell, sir ; but her name and three- Ant. S. Ay, that's my name. [chain. quarters,—that is, an ell and three quarters, - Ang. I know it well, sir. Lo, here is the will not measure her from hip to hip.
I thought to have ta'en you at the Porcupine : Ant. S. Then she bears some breadth ? The chain unfinish'd made me stay thus long.