I became acquainted with one man in particular, and would have given the world if I had been as good as him: faid I, if I tell that man what I feel, he will doubtless condemn me, and then I will give it all up. Accordingly, when we met again, I told him what I felt, what enmity I had against God and his word. He feemed furprised; and, upon my afking him if he ever felt any thing of the kind, he answered me very fternly, No! God forbid that I fhould have enmity against God or his word. He left me wounded. Well, thought I, damned I fhall be, do what I will; then began to quarrel with myfelf for living fuch a wicked life, and with my mother for not correcting me when I ran away from my master: had I ftaid with him, I might have went to church, and lived a better life than I have done; but it is too late now. I fhall be damned! I cannot repent: well, I will give it up, and think no more about it. I did fet off once to get drunk, but furely I felt a hell in my confcience at the fame time. I laboured here a great while, frequenting a chapel in Nightingale-lane, Eaft Smithfield, called the Mulberry Gardens, in the Countess of Huntingdon's connection; at this time fo ignorant was I, that I did not know they would grant me a ticket for a feat, fo fkulked about like a thief. Meffrs. W. and Jenkins preached there at that time, but I was afraid to speak to any one about my state. However, one evening, I fhall never forget it, a woman, who attended there, would force her converfation

8

versation upon me, and drew from me many things concerning my diftrefs, which I did not think to speak of; but I had no fooner left her, than I was feized with fuch violent temptations as I never felt; it was to run down Tower-hill, right into the Thames, and drown myfelf. And I really thought that the devil ran away with me, for I ran against feveral people, and have no doubt but I knocked them down. I have viewed the fpot many a time fince where I ftopt. I ran against a large post, and clung faft hold of it, as if any body had drove me, and believe I foamed at the mouth like a mad dog till I had vent. I then burst into tears, went up a little paffage, and fuppofe I cried for a quarter of an hour, after which I found fome compofure of mind. I fet off viewing my fad ftate, and washed my face at a pump, that my wife might not perceive I had been weeping; for at this time the devil fet her on to perfecute me, and fometimes we would quarrel, yea fight; but, notwithstanding I was in this ftate, there were feafons that I preached clofely to her what I felt, read the Bible to her, and alfo the Prayer Book, though I did not believe he was fo bad as I was, yet I never could get her to bend the knee to God; but, bleffed be God for ever, he made ufe of me as an inftrument to bring her on her knees not many months after, when fhe found herfelf in as bad a pickle as I was; and then the devil did make a hand of us with a witness, for there is nobody but the Lord knows the fnares,

he laid for us. Here I a long time

gins, and traps he laid for us.

laboured under the law, without having the least

view of Jefus Christ. meditate what Jefus Chrift was: my attention at chapel was to hear what was faid about Jefus Chrift; and where I could find his name in the Bible, I pondered it over, for it seemed fomething new to me: I was led, step by step, to see that he came to fave finners; then, thought I, I am a finner, but then I am too bad. After much labour here I heard fomebody speaking about a new birth; I could not make this out at all, thinking we must be fo changed by the Holy Ghoft as to be perfect in thought, word, and deed. However, one fummer evening, I went into Moorfields, where a man had been preaching, and, finding two men arguing with each other, I drew near, like a condemned criminal, to hear what they had to fay, and whether they touched my cafe. One of them obferved, If we say we have no fin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. To which the other replied, the words run thus: If we fay we have not finned, we make him a liar, and the truth is not in us. Intimating that they had been finners, but now freed from fin in the flesh; that they which had received the grace of God were perfectly holy. They loaded me pretty well, agreeable to the Lord's words: They bind heavy burdens on men's fhoulders, which are grievous to be borne. Thought I, if it be poffible for men to arrive at a ftate of perfection, they certainly must be the people,

The Lord next led me to

and

and I am far enough from that. Well, I ftrove hard, prayed oftener, went to chapel oftener, read the Bible oftener, and thought, if this will not do I will give it up, and I declare that I found enmity in my heart all the time I was at it; but fhortly the Lord would fruftrate the whole of it. I would fall into fome fin, and then I came to my old conclufion, I fhall be damned after all.

I often fay, What a peculiar bleffing it is from God to be placed under a pastor that can point out the way to a poor entangled creature, but the Lord knows I never met with any that ever fpoke to my feelings till he placed me under you; for if they did at any time touch upon it, they pulled it all to pieces before they had done. However, the Lord carried on his work, and, after this toiling and fretting, the bleffed Spirit was pleafed to open the eyes of my understanding to difcern in fome meafure the way of falvation through Jefus Chrift, and that he came to feek and to fave finners, and I felt myfelf one of the blackeft caft; but then it was, He that believes fhall be faved, and be that believes not shall be damned. And I could not believe that Chrift would fave me; I could believe that he would damn me, this I could believe. The common cry among my affociates was, Why do you not believe? Only believe, fay they, and the work is done. Well, I ftrove to believe, and would with all my foul if I could; and when I found I could not, enmity began to work afresh. After the Lord had difciplined me here a

little,

little, I learnt that faith in Jefus Chrift was the gift of God, and that he gave it to a people of his choice; that he had a people formed for himself. The bitterness that worked in my heart at this is beyond expreffion. Oh! faid I, it ought not to be preached! But, bleffed be God, it is now my sweetest morfel, when I can feel in my foul his great love from everlafting to me. I laboured here near four years, and then the Lord was pleased to enable me to see more and more of the suitableness of Jefus Chrift; that God was holy and I unholy; that juftice must have fatisfaction on me the finner, or on Jesus Christ the Surety. I could difcern him coming down from heaven in love to his people, taking our nature into union with himself, and dying the just for the unjust, that finners might, through his fatisfaction, come near to God. My prayers were then altered, and my views quite different to what they were; there was a kind of going out after him. It was no use to set me to work then; my cry was, Oh! that I knew him for myself! and there was such a defire ftirred up in my foul, that, night and day, my language was, O! that he would but make known his love to me! fuch longing defires had I after him at that time. For, viewing myfelf on the brink of hell, I wanted a manifestation of him to me, that I might know whether he had loved me from everlasting; and being affured of this I could believe on him, and love him with all my heart and foul: nothing but this would do; after this I fought, and for this I prayed, indeed it was the whole tenor of my prayers. But

the