SCENE I.—GAYless's lodgings. ACT I. Gay. I tell thee, Sharp, last night Melissa consented, and fixed to-morrow for the happy day. Sharp. 'Tis well she did, sir, or it might have been a dreadful one for us in our present condition: all your money spent; your moveables sold; your honour almost ruined, and your humble servant almost starved; we could not possibly have stood it two days longer-But if this young lady will marry you, and relieve us, o' my conscience I'll turn friend to the sex, rail no more at matrimony, but curse the whores, and think of a wife myself. Gay. And yet, Sharp, when I think how I have imposed upon her, I am almost resolved to throw myself at her feet, tell her the real situation of my affairs, ask her pardon; and implore her pity. Sharp. After marriage, with all my heart, sir; but don't let your conscience and honour so far get the better of your poverty and good sense, as to rely on so great uncertainty as a fine lady's mercy and good-nature. Gay. I know her generous temper, and am almost persuaded to rely upon it. What! because. I am poor, shall I abandon my honour? Sharp. Yes, you must, sir, or abandon me. So, pray, discharge one of us; for eat I must, and speedily too: and you know very well, that that honour of yours will neither introduce you to a great man's table, nor get me credit for a single beef-steak. Gay. What can I do? Sharp. Nothing, while honour sticks in your throat. Do, gulp, master, and down with it. Gay. Pr'ythee leave me to my thoughts. Sharp. Leave you! No, not in such bad company, I'll assure you. Why, you must certainly be a very great philosopher, sir, to moralize and declaim so charmingly as you do, about honour and conscience, when your doors are beset with bailiffs, and not one single guinea in your pocket to bribe the villains. Guy. Don't be witty, and give your advice, sirrah. Sharp. Do you be wise, and take it, sir. But, to be serious, you certainly have spent your for- | tune, and out-lived your credit, as your pockets and my belly can testify. Your father has disowned you; all your friends forsook you, except myself, who am starving with you. Now, sir, if you marry this young lady, who, as yet, thank Heaven, knows nothing of your misfortunes, and by that means procure a better fortune than that you have squandered away, make a good husband, and turn economist, you still may be happy, may still be sir William's heir, and the lady too no loser by the bargain. There's reason and argument, sir, Gay. Twas with that prospect I first made love to her; and, though my fortune has been spent, I have at least purchased discretion with it. ill Sharp. Pray, then, convince me of that, sir, and make no more objections to the marriage.You see I am reduced to my waistcoat already; and when necessity has undressed me from top to toe, she must begin with you, and then we shall be forced to keep house and die by inches. Look you, sir, if you won't resolve to take my advice, while you have one coat to your back, I must e'en take to my heels while I have strength to run, and something to cover me. So, sir, wishing you much comfort and consolation with your bare conscience, I am your most obedient and half-starved friend and servant. [Going. Gay. Hold, Sharp! You won't leave me? Sharp. I must eat, sir; by my honour and appetite, I must. Gay. Well, then, I am resolved to favour the cheat; and as I shall quite change my former course of life, happy may be the consequences: at least of this I am sure Sharp. That you can't be worse than you are at present. Gay. [A knocking without]-Who's there? Sharp. Some of your former good friends, who favoured you with money at fifty per cent. and helped you to spend it, and are now become daily memento's to you of the folly of trusting rogues, following whores, and laughing at my advice. very persons who led me to my ruin, partook of my prosperity, and professed the greatest friendship. Sharp. [Without.]-Upon my word, Mrs. Kitty, my master's not at home. Kitty. [Without.]-Look'e, Sharp, I must and will see him. Gay. Ha! What do I hear? Melissa's maid; What has brought her here? My poverty has made her my enemy, too-She is certainly come with no good intent-No friendship there without fees-She's coming up stair--What must I do? I'll get into this closet and listen. [Exit GAYLESS. Enter SHARP and KITTY. Kitty. I must know where he is; and will know, too, Mr. Impertinence. Sharp. Not of me ye won't.-[Aside.]-He's not within, I tell you, Mrs. Kitty; I don't know myself. Do you think I can conjure? Kitty. But I know you will lie abominably; therefore, don't trifle with me. I come from my mistress, Melissa: you know, I suppose, what's to be done to-morrow morning? Sharp. Ay; and to-morrow night too, girl. Kitty. Not if I can help it.-[Aside.]—But come, where is your master? For see him I must. Sharp. Pray, Mrs. Kitty, what's your opinion of this match between my master and your mistress? Kitty. Why, I have no opinion of it at all; and yet most of our wants will be relieved by it, too: for instance, now, your master will get a good fortune; that's what I'm afraid he wants: my mistress will get a husband; that's what she has wanted for some time; you will have the pleasure of my conversation, and I an opportunity of breaking your head for your impertinence. Sharp. Madam, I am your most humble scrvant. But I'll tell you what, Mrs. Kitty, I am positively against the match: for was I man of my master's fortune Guy. Oh, the devil, what a question was there! [Aside. Kitty. You'd marry if you could, and mend it Gay. Cease your impertinence! To the door!-Ha, ha, ha! Pray, Sharp, where does your If they are duns, tell them my marriage is now master's estate lie? certainly fixed; and persuade them still to forbear a few days longer, and keep my circumstances a secret, for their sakes as well as my own. Sharp. O never fear it, sir: they still have so much friendship for you, as not to desire your ruin to their own disadvantage. Gay. And, do you hear, Sharp, if it should be any body from Melissa, say I am not at home; lest the bad appearance we make here, should make them suspect something to our disadvantage. Sharp. I'll obey you, sir; but I am afraid they will easily discover the consumptive situation of eur affairs, by my chop-fallen countenance. [Exit SHARP. Gay. These very rascals, who are now continually dunning and persecuting me, were the Sharp. Lie! Lie! Why, it lies-faith, I can't name any particular place; it lies in so many.— His effects are divided, some here, some there; his steward hardly knows himself. Kitty. Scattered, scattered, I suppose. But, hark'e, Sharp, what's become of your furniture? You seem to be a little bare here at present. Gay. What, has she found out that, too? [Aside. Sharp. Why, you must know, as soon as the wedding was fixed, my master ordered me to remove his goods into a friend's house, to make room for a ball which he designs to give here the day after the marriage. Kitty. The luckiest thing in the world! For Kitty. I have invited all my lord Stately's servants to come and see you, and have a dance in the kitchen: Won't your master be surprised? Sharp, Much so indeed! Kitty. Well, be quick, and find out your master, and make what haste you can with your preparations: you have no time to lose. Pr'ythee, Sharp, what's the matter with you? I have not seen you for some time, and you seem to look a little thin. Sharp. Oh my unfortunate face !-[Aside.] I'm in pure good health, thank you, Mrs. Kitty and I'll assure you I've a very good stomach; never better in all my life; and I am as full of vigour, hussy[Offers to kiss her. Kitty. What, with that face; Well, bye, bye, -[Going.]-Ob, Sharp, what ill-looking fellows are those, were standing about your door when I came in? They want your master too, I suppose? Sharp. Hum! Yes; they are waiting for him. They are some of his tenants out of the country, that want to pay him some money. Kitty. Tenants! What, do you let his tenants stand in the street? Sharp. They choose it: as they seldom come to town, they are willing to see as much of it as they can, when they do; they are raw, ignorant, honest people. Kitty. Well, I must run home, farewell-but do you hear, get something substantial for us in the kitchen-a ham, a turkey, or what you will— we'll be very merry; and be sure to remove the tables and chairs away there too, that we may have room to dance: I cannot bear to be con fined in my French dances; tal, lal, lal-Dunc ing.]-Well, adieu! Without any compliment, I shall die if I don't see you soon. [Erit KITTY. Sharp. And, without any compliment, I pray Meaven you may ! Enter GAYLESS, Gay. We are certainly undone! Sharp. That's no news to me. Gay. Eight or ten couple of dancers-ten or a dozen little nice dishes, with some fruit-my lord Stately's servants-ham and turkey! Sharp. Say no more! the very sound creates an appetite; and I am sure of late I have had no occasion for whetters and provocatives. Gay. Cursed misfortune! What can we do? Sharp. Hang ourselves. I sce no other remedy, except you have a receipt to give a ball and a supper, without meat or music. Gay. Melissa has certainly heard of my bad circumstances, and has invented this scheme to distress ine, and break off the match. Sharp. I don't believe it, sir; begging your pardon. Gay. No? Why did her maid, then, make so strict an inquiry into my fortune and affairs? Sharp. For two very substantial reasons: the first, to satisfy a curiosity natural to her as a woman; the second, to have the pleasure of my conversation, very natural to her as a woman of taste and understanding. Gay. Pr'ythee, be more serious: is not our all at stake? Sharp. Yes, sir; and that all of ours is of so little consequence, that a man, with a very small share of philosophy, may part from it without much pain or uneasiness. However, sir, I'll convince you, in half an hour, that Mrs. Melissa knows nothing of your circumstances; and I'll tell you what too, sir, she shan't be here to-night, and yet you shall marry her to-morrow morning. Gay. How, how, dear Sharp? Skarp. 'Tis here, here, sir! Warm, warm; and delays will cool it: therefore, I'll away to her, and do you be as merry as love and poverty will permit you. Would you succeed, a faithful friend depute, Whose head can plan, and front can execute. I am the man! and I hope you neither dispute, my friendship nor qualifications? Gay. Indeed I don't. Pry'thee, be gone. Sharp. I fly! [Exeunt. SCENE II.-MELISSA's lodgings. Enter MELISSA and KITTY. Mel. You surprise me, Kitty! The master not the house-and ill-looking fellows about the at home-the man in confusion-uo furniture in doors!-'Tis all a riddle. Kitty. But very easy to be explained. Mel. Prithee, explain it, then ; nor keep me longer in suspence. Kitty. The affair is this, madam: Mr. Gayless is over head and ears in debt: you are over head [They look for some time sorrowful at each and ears in love, you will marry him to-morrow; other. Gay. Oh, Sharp! Sharp. Oh, master! the next day your whole fortune goes to his creditors, and you and your children are to live Comfortably upon the remainder. Mel. I cannot think him base. Kitty. But I know they are all base. You are very young, and very ignorant of the sex; I am young, too, but have had more experience: You never was in love before; I have been in love with an hundred, and tried them all; and know them to be a parcel of barbarous, perjured, deluding, bewitching devils. Mel. The low wretches you have had to do with, may answer the character you give them; but Mr. Gayless—————— Kitty. Is a man, madam. Mel. I hope so, Kitty, or I would have nothing to do with him. Kitty. With all my heart-I have given you my sentiments upon the occasion, and shall leave you to your own inclinations. Mel. Oh, madam, I am much obliged to you for your great condescension-ha, ha, ha! However, I have so great a regard for your opinion, that had I certain proofs of his villainy Kitty. Of his poverty, you may have a hundred: I am sure, I have had none to the con trary. Mel. Oh, there the shoe pinches ! [Aside. Kitty. Nay, so far from giving me the usual perquisites of my place, he has not so much as kept me in temper with little endearing civilities; and one might reasonably expect, when a man is deficient in one way, that he should make it up in another. [Knocking without. Mel. See who is at the door. [Exit KITTY.] I must be cautious how I hearken too much to this girl. Her bad opinion of Mr. Gayless seems to arise from his disregard of her. Enter SHARP and KITTY. -So, Sharp, have you found your master?- ment? Sharp. To your wishes, madam. I have just now bespoke the music and supper, and wait now for your ladyship's farther commands. Mel. My compliments to your inaster, and let him know, I and my company will be with bim by six; we design to drink tea and play at cards, before we dance. Kitty. So shall I and my company, Mr. Sharp. [Aside. Sharp. Mighty well, madam! Mel. Pr'ythee, Sharp, what makes you come without your coat? 'Tis too cool to go so airy, Mel. I engage for her. Sharp. Why then, in short, madam-I cannot tell you. Mel. Don't trifle with me. Sharp. Then, since you will have it, madamI lost my coat in defence of your reputation. Mel. In defence of my reputation! Sharp. I will assure you, madam, I've suffered very much in defence of it; which is more than I would have done for my own. Mel. Pr'ythee, explain! Sharp. In short, madam, you was seen about a month ago to make a visit to my master alone. Mel. Alone! my servant was with me. Sharp. What, Mrs. Kitty? So much the worse: for she was looked upon as my property, and I was brought in guilty, as well as you and my Sharp. I said so—A nuisance! I believe, one in the neighbourhood live with more decency and regularity than I and my master—as is really the case Decency and regularity! cries she, with a sneer- why, sirrah, does not my window look into your master's bed-cham'ber? and did not he bring in a certain lady 'such a day?' describing you, madam. ' And did not I see Mel. See O, scandalous! What? Sharp. Contradict her! Why, I told her, I was sure she lied! for, zounds! said I, (for I could not help swearing) I am so well convinced of the lady's and my master's prudence, that I am sure, had they a mind to amuse themselves, they would certainly have drawn the windowcurtains. Mel. What, did you say nothing else? Did not you convince her of her error and impertinence? Sharp. She swore to such things, that I could do nothing but swear and call names; upon which, out bolts her husband upon me with a fine I taper crab in his hand, and fell upon me with such violence, that, being half delirious, I made a full confession. Mel. A full confession! What did you confess? Sharp. That my master loved fornicationthat you had no aversion to it--that Mrs. Kitty was a bawd, and your humble servant a pimp. Kitty. A bawd! a bawd! Do I look like a bawd, inadam? | him you are very much out of order-that you were suddenly taken with the vapours or qualms, or what you please, madam. Mel. I'll leave it to you, Sharp, to make my apology; and there's half a guinea for you to help your invention. Sharp. Half-a-guinea! 'Tis so long since I had any thing to do with money, that I scarcely know the current coin of my own country.— Oh, Sharp, what talents hast thou! to secure thy master, deceive his mistress, outlie her chambermaid, and yet be paid for thy honesty! But my Mel. And so you joined to make me infa-joy will discover me. [Aside.] Madam, you have eternally fixed Timothy Sharp, your most obe Sharp. And so, madam, in the scuffle, my coat was torn to pieces, as well as your reputation. mous ? Sharp. For Heaven's sake, madam, what could dient humble servant- -Oh the delights of imI do? His proofs fell so thick upon me, as wit-pudence, and a good understanding! ness my head [Shewing his head plaistered.], [Exit SHARP. that I would have given up all the maidenheads Kitty. Ha, ha, ha! was there ever such a lyin the kingdom, rather then have my brains beating varlet! with his slugs and his broad swords to a jelly. his attorneys, and broken heads, and nonsense! Well, inadam, are you satisfied now? Do you want more proofs ? Mel. Very well! but I'll be revengeddid not you tell your master of this? -And Sharp. Tell him! No, madam. Had I told him, his love is so violent for you, that he would certainly have murdered half the attornies in town by this time. Mel. Very well! But I am resolved not to go to your master's to-night. Sharp. Heavens and my impudence be praised! [Aside. are not Kitty. Why not, madam? If you guilty, face your accusers. Mel. Of your modesty I do: But, I find you are resolved to give me none. Kitty. Madam! Mil. I see through your little mean artifice : you are endeavouring to lessen Mr. Gayless in iny opinion, because he has not paid you for services he had no occasion for. Kitty. Pay me, madam! I am sure I have very little occasion to be angry with Mr. Gayless for not paying me, when I believe 'tis his general practice. Mel. 'Tis false! he's a gentleman, and a man of honour, and you are Kitty. Not in love, I thank Heaven! Shap. Oh the devil! ruined again! [Aside.] To be sure, face them by all means, madamThey can but be abusive, and break the windows a little-Besides, madam, I have thought of a way to make this affair quite diverting to youI have a fine blunderbuss, charged with half a hundred slugs, and my master has a delicate large Swiss broad sword; and between us, ma-wiser dam, we shall so pepper and slice them, that you will die with laughing. Mel. What, at murder? Kitty. Don't fear, madam; there will be no murder if Sharp's concerned. Mel. You are a fool. [Curtseying. Kitty. I have been in love; but I am much Mel. Hold your tongue, impertinence ! yet. Mel. Leave me. Kitty. Oh this love, this love is the devil. Sharp. Murder, madam! 'Tis self-defence.Besides, in these sort of skirmishes, there are never more than two or three killed: for, sup-vauts, make them our confidants, put them upon posing they bring the whole body of militia upon us, down but with a brace of them, and away fly the rest of the covey. Mel. Persuade me ever so much, I won't go; that's my resolution. Kitty. Why, then, I'll tell you what, madam; since you are resolved not to go to the supper, suppose the supper was to come to you? 'Tis a great pity such preparations as Mr. Sharp has made should be thrown away. Sharp. So it is, as you say, Mrs. Kitty. But I can immediately ruu back, and unbespeak what I have ordered; 'tis soon done. Mel. But then, what excuse can I send to your master? he'll be very uneasy at my not coming. Sharp. Oh, terribly so! but I have it-I'll tell an equality with us, and so they become our ad- Enter KITTY. Mel. Don't be a fool. What do you want? Kitty. There is a servant just come-out of the country, says he belongs to Sir William Gayless, and has got a letter for you from his master upon very urgent business. Mel. Sir William Gayless? What can this mean? Where is the man? Kitty. In the little parlour, madam. |