him.] You're always calling for assistance, I think-you never give one time to come to one's self-Mr. Dotterel has seen your letter, and vows vengeance and destruction-Why would you be so violent and imprudent. Duf. The devil was in me, madam; but I repent it from my soul; it has cured me of being suspected your infamy, and having this proof of it, I could stab your treacherous heart, and my own weak one-Don't offer to stir, or ring your bell; for, by Heavens, I'll— [Catches hold of him. Daf. I stir! I am never so happy, as when I am in your company. our foolish sex violent. Mrs. Dot. Thou liest: Thou art never so Mrs. Dot. Come, come, don't take it too deep-happy as when thou art deceiving, and betraying ly neither; I thought it proper, at all hazards, and all for what? Why, to let you know what had happened, and to in- for the poor reputation of having that, which treat you, by that affection you have sworn to thou hast neither power nor spirit to enjoy. me, to be careful of my reputation. Daf. That I will indeed, madam; we can't be too careful. Daf. Ha! I hear somebody coming-Now for a rapture. [Aside.] Talk not of power or spiritHeaven, that has made you fair, has made me -O! forgive the madness which your beauty has occasioned! Mrs. Dot. Well, Mr. Daffodil, I am an un-stronghappy woman-married to one I cannot love; and loving one I ought to shun-It is a terrible situation, Mr. Daffodil Daf. It is indeed, madam- -I am in a ter[Aside. rible one too-Would I was well out of it! Mrs. Dot. Do you know, Mr. Daffodil, that if I had not been very religious, my passions would have undone me- But you must give me time, for nothing but that, and keeping the best company, will ever conquer my prejudices Daf. I should be very ungenerous not to allow you time, madam-three weeks or a month, I hope will do the business-Though, by my honour, I got the better of mine in half the timeWhat is Ruffle doing? [Aside. Mrs. Dot. He's very cold, methinks; but I'll try him further-Looky'e, Mr. Daffodil, you must curb your passions, and keep your distanceFire is catching, and one does not know the consequences when once it begins to spread. Daf. As you say, madam, fire is catching; 'tis dangerous to play with it; and as I am of the tinder kind-as one may say we had better, as you say madam-change the subject.-Pray, did you ever hear of the pug-dog that you advertised? It was a very pretty creature-what was his name, madam? [Stifling her passion. Mrs. Dot. Daffodil, sir! Daf. Madam! Mrs. Dot. Could I love and esteem any thing, and not call it Daffodil?-What a wretch! [Aside. Daf. You do me honour, madam-I don't like her looks; I must change the discourse. [Aside.] Upon my soul, Mrs. Dotterel, this struggle is too much for man: My passions are now tearing me to pieces, and if you will stay, by heaven I will not answer for the consequences! [Throws himself upon his knees. Enter Servant. Ser. The Marquis of Macaroons Enter SOPHIA. [Exit Servant. Mrs. Dot. Ha! [Screams.] I am betrayed!— [They all stare, and DAFFODIL seemingly astonished. Soph. Mrs. Dotterel, by all that's virtuous !— [Aside.]—Signior Daffodillo-resto confuso, tat I am com si mal-a-proposito. Daf. Dear marquis, no excuse, I beg-nothing at all-a relation of mine-my sister only-Miss Daffodil; this is il Merchese de Maccaroni, an intimate of Sir Charles Vainlove's-this was lucky.-[Aside.]-Well, then, my dear sister, I will wait upon you to-morrow, and settle the whole affair-[Aloud.]-I am the most miserable of mortals, and have lost the most precious moments of my life. [Aside to MRS. DOTTEREL. Mrs. Dot. You are a villain! I despise you, and detest you, and will never see you more. [Exit MRS. DOTTEREL. Daf. Ha, ha, ha! my sister has a noble spirit, my lord. Soph. Mi dispiace infinamente-it tisplis me, tat I haf interrumpato gli affari of your famili. Daf. It is the old family business, my lord; and so old, that, by my honour, I am quite tired of it. Soph. I hate him already.-[Aside.]-Signor Daffodillo, she is una belissima sorella, in verità, a very prit' sis' intit. Daf. I must confess to you, my lord, that my sister is a young distressed damsel, married to an old gentleman of the neighbourhood, ha, ha, Mrs. Dot. Consequences! What conse-ha! quences! Thou wretched, base, false, worthless animal! Daf. You do me honour! [Bowing. Mrs. Dot. Canst thou think, that I am so blinded by my passion, not to see thy treacherous, mean, unmanly evasions?—I have long Soph. O Cara Inghilterra! vat a fortunata contrée is tis! te olt men marri de yong fine girl, and te yong fine girl visite te yong signors— O, preciosa libertà! Daf. Indeed, my lord, men of fashion, here, have some small privileges; we gather our roses without fear of thorns-husbands and brothers don't deal in poison and stilettos, as they do with you. Soph. Il nostro amico, Signor Carlo, has tol me a tousant volti, dat you vas de Orlando Innamorato himself. Daf. But not Furioso, I can assure you, my lord, ha, ha, ha! I am for variety, and badinage, without affection-reputation is the great ornament, and ease the great happiness of life-to ruin women would be troublesome; to trifle and make love to them, amuses one. use my women as daintily as my tokay; I merely sip of both, but more than half a glass palls me. I Soph. Cosa é questa-cosa, é-vat is? Daf. There are two fine girls, you must know, cousins, who live together; this is a letter from one of them, Sophia is her name; I have addressed them both, but as matters become a little serious on their side, I must raise a jealousy between the friends; discover to one the treachery of the other; and so, in the bustle, steal off as quietly as I can. Soph. O Spiritoso amico-I can scarce contain myself. [Aside. Daf. Before the mine is sprung, I will introduce you into the town. Soph. You are great generalissimo in verita mà. I feel in miò core vat de poor infelice Sophia vil feel for the loss of Signor Daffadillo. Soph. Il mio proprio gusto-Tukely is right; he's a villain.-Aside.]-Signor Daffodillo, vil you do me de favor to give me stranger, una in-a troduzione to some of your signorine; let vostro amico taste a littel, un poce of your dulce tokay. Daf. O, certamente! I have half a hundred signorines at your service. Soph. Multo obligato, Signor Daffodillo. Enter Servant. Ser. Here's a letter for your honour. [Surlily. Daf. What is the matter with the fellow? Ser. Matter your honour! the lady that went out just now, gave me such a souse on the ear, as I made my bow to her, that I could scarce tell, for a minute, whether I had a head or no. Daf. Ha, ha! poor fellow! there's smart money for you.-[Gives him money.]-[Exit Ser.] -Will your lordship give me leave? Soph. Senza ceremonie-now for it. [Aside. 'SIR, DAFFODIL reads. 'I shall return from the country next week, and shall hope to meet you at Lady Fanny Pewit's assembly next Wednesday. I am very much your humble servant, My lord marquis, here is a letter has started game for you already--the most lucky thought imaginable! Daf. Yes, poor creature! I believe she'll have pang or two-tender, indeed! and I believe will be unhappy for some time. Soph. What a monster! [Aside. Daf. You must dine with our club today, where I will introduce you to more of Sir Charles's friends, all men of figure and fashion. Soph. I must primo haf my lettere, dat your amici may be assicurati dat I am no impostore. Daf. In the name of politeness, my lord marquis, don't mention your letters again; none but a justice of peace, or a constable, would ever ask for a certificate of a man's birth, parentage, and education, ha, ha, ha! Soph. Viva, viva il Signor Daffodillo ! You shall be il mio conduttorè in tutte le partite of love and pleasure. Daf. With all my heart! you must give me leave, now, my lord, to put on my clothes-in the mean time, if your lordship will step into my study there, if you chuse music, there is a guitar, and some Venetian ballads; or, if you like reading, there's infidelity and bawdy novels for you; call Ruffle, there. [Exit DAFFODIL. Soph. [Looking after him.]-I am shocked at him; he is really more abandoned than Tukely's jealousy described him. I have got my proofs, and will not venture any further. I am vexed that I should be angry at him, when I should only despise him: but I am so angry, that I could might demand satisfaction for the injury he has almost wish myself a man, that my breeches done my petticoats. [Exit. ACT II. SCENE I.-MRS. DAMPLY's Lodgings. Enter ARABELLA and SOPHIA. Ara. All this may be true, Sophy-every young fellow has his vanities; fashion has made such irregularities accomplishments, and the Soph. In short, his own declarations, the unex-man may be worth having, for all your discopected meeting of Mrs. Dotterel, his usage of my letter, and twenty things beside, determined me not to go among the set of them-So, making the best excuse I could, I got quit of him and his companions. veries. Soph. What! an abandoned, rash, profligate male-coquette! a wretch, who can assume passions he never feels, and sport with our sex's frailties-fie, fie, Bell! stand cooling my heels, here, while you are making yourselves ridiculous? Soph. Bell's in the right-to business, to business-Mr. Tukely, you must introduce me to the ladies; I can at least make as good a figure as Mr. Daffodil among them. [Exit SOPHIA and TUKELY. Ara. When Daffodil's real inclinations are known, how those poor wretches will be disap[Exit ARA. Ara. Yes, I thank my stars-I am not so sus-pointed! ceptible of impressions of that kind—and yet-I won't swear-if an agreeable man-I—I— Soph. No, no, Bell, you are not absolute stone you, you may be mollified-she is confoundedAside. tis im[Aside. Ara. Surely he has not betrayed mepossible! I cannot be deceived. Soph. Well, shall we go in to the ladies and Mr. Tukely? Were they not surprized when he opened the business to them? Ara. 'Twas the finest scene imaginable-You could see, though they all endeavoured to hide their liking to Daffodil, all were uneasy at Tukely's discovery. At first they objected to his scheme; but they began to listen to his proposal the moment I was called out to you; what farther he intends, is a secret to us all ; but here he comes, and without the ladies. Enter TUKEEY. Tuke. Pray, Miss Bell-Bless me! Miss Sophy returned! I dare not ask—and yet, if my eyes do not flatter my heart-your looks Soph. Don't rely too much upon looks, Mr. Tukely. Tuke. Madam-why, sureSoph. Don't imagine, I say, that you can always see the mind in the face. Tuke. I can see, madam, that your mind is not disposed to wish, or make me happy. Soph. Did not I bid you not to rely upon looks? for, do you know, now, that my mind is at this time most absolutely disposed-to do every thing that you would have me. [Curtsies. Tuke. Then I have nothing more to wish, or ask of fortune. [Kneels and kisses her hand. Ara. Come, come; this is no time to attend to one, when you have so many ladies to take care of. SCENE II. The Club-room. LORD RACKET, SIR TAN-TIVY, SIR WILLIAM Daf. What do you say, my lord? that I don't do it in an hour? Lord Rac. Not in an hour and a half, George. Daf. Done with you, my lord! I'll take your seven to five-seventy pounds to fifty! Lord Rac. Done-I lay the odds again, with you, Sir William, and with you, Sir Tivy. Sir Wil. Not I, faith; Daffodil has too many fine women-he'll never do it. Duf. I'll go into the country for a week, and not a petticoat shall come near me-I'll take the odds again. Sir Tan. Done, Daffodil! Lord Rac. You are to hop upon one leg, without changing, mind that-Set it down, Spinner. Spin. I have-Shall I read it? Lord Rac. Silence in the court. Spin. [Reads.] Lord Racket has betted seventy pounds to fifty, with the honourable George Daffodil, that the latter does not walk from Buckingham-gate to the Bun-house, at Chelsea, eat a bun there, run back to the turnpike, and from thence hop upon one leg, with the other tied to the cue of his wig, to Buckinghum-gate again, in an hour and a half!? Daf. I say, done! Lord Rac. And done! Sir Wil. Consider your women-you'll never do it, George. for it? Daf. Not do it!-[Hops.]-Why, I'll get a Tuke. I will not yet enquire into your adven-Chelsea pensioner shall do it in an hour, with tures, till I have accomplished my own. his wooden legThe -What day shall we fix ladies within have at last agreed to attend me this evening; where, if you have a mind to finish the picture you have begun this morning, an opportunity may offer. Sir Wil. The first of April, to be sure. All. Ha, ha, ha! Lord Rac. Come, Daffodil, read the bets and opera. Soph. I am contented with my sketch-how-matches of to-day-then let us finish our cham-ever, I'll make one; and if you have an occasion paigne, and go to the for a second in any thing-I am your man— command me. Daf. [Reads.] March 24, 1757, Sir TanTivy has pitted Lady Pettitoe, against Dowager Lady Periwinkle, with Sir William Whister, for Tuke. A match-from this moment I take you as my second; nay, my first, in every circum-five hundred pounds.' I'll pit my uncle, Lord stance of our future lives. Chalkstone, against them both. Sir Tan. Done! Ara. Mighty pretty, truly! and so I am to Lord Rac. The odds are against you, Daffodil --my lord has got to plain Nantz, now, every morning. Daf. And the ladies have been at it, to my knowledge, this half year. Lord Rac. Good again, George! Sir Wil. [Reads.]- The honourable George Daffodil has betted one hundred pounds, with Sir William Whister, that he produces a gentleman, before the fifth of June next, that shall live for five days successively, without eating, drinking, or sleeping. He must have no books, George? Daf. No, no; the gentleman I mean, can't All. Bravo, George! Lord Rac. Now you talk of dying, how does your cousin Dizzy?' Daf Lingers on, better and worse-Lives upon asses milk, Panada, and Eringo root. Lord Rac. You'll have a wind-fall there, George; a good two thousand a year. Daf. 'Tis better, my lord; but I love Dick so well, and have had so many obligations to him -he saved my life once-that I could wish him better health. Sir Wil. Or in a better place; there's devilish fine timber in Staunton woods. Sir Tan. Down with them, Daffodil. Lord Rac. But let Dizzy drop first; a little blast will fell him. Diz. You are heartily welcome to any one of them, gentlemen, for a proper purpose-hugh, hugh! Lord Rac. Well said, Dick! How quick his wit, and how youthful the rogue looks! Daf. Bloomy and plump-the country air is a fine thing, my lord. Diz. Well, well, be as jocular as you please; I am not so ill as you may wish or imagine; I can walk to Knightsbridge in an hour, for a hundred pounds. Lord Rac. I bet you a hundred of that, Dizzy! Daf. I'll lay you a hundred, Dick, that I drive a sow and pigs to your lodgings, before you can get there. Diz. Done, I say! [Draws his purse.] Done! Two hundred-done-three! Lord Rac. I'll take Dizzy against your sow and pigs! Sir Wil. I take the field against Dizzy. Spin. Done! Diz. Damn your sow and pigs! I am so sick with the thoughts of running with them, that I shall certainly faint. [Smells to a bottle. Hugh, hugh! Daf. Cousin Dizzy can't bear the mention of pork; he hates it- -I knew it would work. [Aside to the rest. Diz. I wish you had not mentioned it-I can't stay-Damn your sow and pigs!--Here, waiter, call a chair-Damn your sow and pigs!-hugh, hugh! [Exit DIZZY. Daf. Poor Dizzy! What a passion he is in! Ha, ha, ha! Lord Rac. The woods are yours, George; you may whet the axe; Dizzy won't live a month. Daf. Pooh, this is nothing; he was always weakly. Sir Wil. 'Tis a family misfortune, Daffodil. Enter Waiter. Wait. Mr. Dizzy, gentlemen, dropped down at the stair-foot, and the cook has carried him be hind the bar. Daf. Lay him upon a bed, and he'll come to himself. [Exit Waiter. Lord Rac. I'll bet fifty pound that he don't live till morning. Sir Wil. I'll lay six to four he don't live a week. Daf. I'll take your fifty pounds. Lord Rac. Done, done, done! but I bar all assistance to him; not a physician or surgeon sent for, or I am off. Daf. No, no; we are upon honour. There shall be none, else it would be a bubble betThere shall be none. Sir Wil. If I were my lord, now, the physicians should attend him. Daf. There, then, have among you! woman [Throws the letter upon the table. Lord Rac. [Reads, all looking on.] Hum― If the liking your person be a sin, what is not guilty?-hum-hum--at the end of the Bird-cage Walk-about seven-where the darkness and privacy will befriend my blushes; I will convince you what trust I have in your secrecy and honour. Yours, 'INCOGNITA.' Daf. Will you go? Lord Rac. What do you propose? Daf. To go-If after I have been with her half an hour, you'll come upon us, and have a blow up. Sir Wil. There's a gallant for you! Daf. Pr'ythee, Sir William, be quiet; must a man be in love with every woman that invites him! Sir Wil. No; but he should be honourable to them, George, and rather conceal a woman's weakness, than expose it-I hate this work-so, I'll go to the coffee-house. [Exit SIR WILLIAM. Lord Rac. Let him go-don't mind him, George; he's married, and past fifty-this will be a fine frolic-devilish high! Daf. Very!-Well, I'll go and prepare myself; put on my surtout, and take my chair to Buckingham-gate. I know the very spot. Lord Rac. We'll come with flambeaux; you must be surprised, and Daf. I know what to do-Here, waiter, waiter! Enter Waiter, How does cousin Dizzy? Wait. Quite recovered, sir. He is in the Phonix with two ladies, and has ordered a boiled chicken and jellies. Lord Rac. There's a blood for you! without a drop in his veins. Daf. Do you stay with him, then, till I have secured my lady; and in half an hour from this time, come away, and bring Dizzy with you. Lord Rac. If he'll leave the ladies-Don't the alian Marquis dine with us to-morrow! Daf. Certainly. Lord Rac. Well, do you mind your business, and I'll speak to the cook to shew his geniusAllons! [Exit DAFF.] Tom, bid the cook attend me to-morrow morning, on special affairs. [Exit LORD RACKET, &c. 2d Wait. I shall, my lord. SCENE III.-The Park. Enter ARABELLA, MRS. DAMPLY, LADY FAN Ara. What a figure! and what a scheme! Tuke. Dear ladies, be as merry with my figure as you please!-Yet you shall see this figure, aukward as it is, shall be preferred in its turn, as well as you have been. Soph. Why will you give yourself this unnecessary trouble, Mr. Tukely, to convince these ladies, who had rather still be deluded, and will hate your friendship for breaking the charm? Ara. My dear cousin, though you are satisfied, these ladies are not; and, if they have their particular reasons for their infidelity, pray, let them enjoy it, 'till they have other proofs than your prejudices. Soph. Ay, Bell, we have all our prejudices. Tuke. What signifies reasoning, when we are going upon the experiment? Dispose of yourselves behind those trees, and I will repair to the place of appointment, and draw him hither; but you promise to contain yourselves, let what will happen. Hear, and see; but be silent [Exit TUKELY. Soph. A severe injunction, indeed, ladies—But I must to my post. [Exit SOPHIA. Mrs. Damp. If he's a villain, I can never hold! Lady Pew. I shall tear his eyes out! Mrs. Dot. For my part, if I was unmarried, I should not think him worth my anger. Ara. But as you are, madam Mrs. Dot. I understand your insinuations, Miss Bell; but my character and conduct need no justification. Ara. I beg pardon, madam; I intended no offence. But haste to your posts, ladies; the enemy's at hand. [They retire behind the trees. Enter TUKELY and DAFFODIL. Tuke. [In a woman's voice.] For Heaven's sake, let us be cautious!-I am sure I heard a noise. Daf. 'Twas nothing but your fear, my angel! |