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'Egad ! if thou hast trick’a Cerberus here, I shall Spark. Extremely pleasant, faith; ha, ha, ha! be so ravish’d, that I will give this couple a wed Moody. I am stupified with shame, rage, and ding-dinner. Pray, Mr Moody, who's damn’d astonishinent—my fate has o'ercome I can ridiculous now?
struggle no more with it. (Sighs.] What is left Moody: (Going to SPARKISH.] Look ye,
sir me - I cannot bear to look, or be looked upon -don't grin, for if you dare to shew your I will hurry down to my old house, take a teeth at my misfortunes, I'll dash 'em down your twelvemonth's provision into it-cut down my impudent throat, you jackanapes.
draw-bridge, run wild about my garden, which Spark. (Quite čulni.] Very fine, faith-but I shall grow as wild as myself—then will I curse have no weapons to butt with a mad bull, so you the world, and every individual in it and when may toss and roar by yourself, if you please. my rage and spirits fail me, I will be found dead
among the nettles and thistles, a woeful exam. BELVILLE appears in the balcony.
ple of the baseness and treachery of one sex, Belo. What does my good friend want with and of the falsehood, lying, perjury, deceit, im.
pudence, and damnation of the other. (Exit. Moody. Are you a villain, or are you not? Spark. Very droll, and extravagantly comic, I Belv. I have obey'd your commands, sir. must confess; ha, ha, ha! (Enter BELVILLE and Moody. What have you done with the girl, sir? | PEGGY.) Look ye, Belville, I wish you joy, with Belv. Made her my wife, as you desired. all my heart—you have got the prize, and perSpark. Very true, I am your
haps have caught a Tartar-that's no business of Moody. She's my wife, and I demand her. mine - If you want evidence for Mr Moody's gi
ving his consent to your marriage, I shall be ready. PEGGY appears in the balcony. I bear no ill will to that pair. I wish you happy. Peg. No, but I a'n't-What's the matter, [To ALITHEA and Harcourt.] Tho' I am sure Bud, are you angry with me?
they'll be miserable and so your humble servant. Moody. How dare you look me in the face,
Peg. I hope you forgive me, Alithea, for p.ayPeg. How dare you look me in the face, Bud? ing your brother this trick; indeed I should have Have you not given me to another, when you only made him and myself miserable, had we ought to have married me yourself ? Have not married together, you pretended to be married to me, when you Ali. Then 'tis much better as it is-But I knew in your conscience you was not ?-Ánd am yet in the dark how this matter has been have not you been shilly.shally for a long time? brought about; how your innocence, my dear, So that if I had not married dear Mr Belville, Ihas outwitted his worldly wisdom. should not have married at all-So I should not. Peg. I am sure I'll do any thing to please my [BELVILLE and PEGGY retire from the balcony. Bud, but marry him.
SPOKEN BY PEGGY.
But you, good gentry, what say you to this?
Great folks, I know, will call me simple slut,
SPOKEN BY THE PLAIN DEALER.
1 The Plain Dealer am to act to-day;
And your fair neighbours, in a limning poet, And my rough part begins before the play. No more than in a painter will allow it. First, you who scribble, yet hate all that write, Pictures too like, the ladies will not please : And keep each other company in spite,
They must be drawn too here like goddesses. As rivals in your common mistress, Fame, You, as at Lely's too, would truncheon wield, And, with faint praises, one another damn, And look like heroes in a painted field; 'Tis a good play (we know) you cann't forgive, But the course dauber of the coming scenes, But grudge yourselves the pleasure you receive; To follow life and nature only means ; Our scribbler, therefore, bluntly bid me say, Displays you as you are; makes his fine woman He would not have the wits pleas'd here to-day. A mercenary jilt, and true to no man: Next, you, the fine, loud gentlemen o' th’ pit, His men of wit and pleasure of the age Who damn all plays; yet if y’ave any wit, Are as dull rogues as ever cumber'd stage: 'Tis but what here you spunge, and daily get; He draws a friend, only to custom just, Poets, like friends to whom you are in debt, And makes him naturally break his trust. You hate: and so rooks laugh, to see undone I, only, act a part like none of you; Those pushing gamesters whom they live upon. And yet, you'll say, it is a fool's part too, Well, you are sparks, and still will be i' th' fa An honest man, who, like you, never winks
At faults, but, unlike you, speaks what he thinks : Rail, then, at plays, to hide your obligation. The only fool who ne'er found patron yet; Now, you shrewd judges who the boxes sway, For truth is now a fault, as well as wit. Leading the ladies hearts and sense astray,
And where else but on stages do we see And, for their sakes, see all, and hear no play, Truth pleasing, or rewarded honesty ? Correct your cravats, foretops, lock behind; Which our bold poet does this day in me. The dress and breeding of the play ne'er mind. If not to th' honest, be to th' prosperous kind; Plain dealing is, you'll say, quite out of fashion; Some friends at court let the Plain Dealer find. You'll hate it here, as in a dedication:
My Lord PLAUSIBLE, a ceremonious, supple, comMEN.
mending coxcomb, in love with Olivia. MANLY, of an honest, surly, nice humour, sup- JERRY BLACKACRE, a true raw squire, under age
posed first, in the time of the Dutch war, to and his mother's government, bred to the law. have procured the command of a ship, out of honour, not interest, and chusing a sea-life, only
WOMEN. to avoid the world.
OLIVIA, Manly's mistress. FREEMAN, Manly's lieutenant, a gentleman well FIDELIA, in love with Manly, and followed him educated, but of a broken fortune, a complier
to sea in man's clothes. with the age.
ELIZA, cousin to Olivia. VARNISH, Manly's bosom and only friend.
LETTICE, Olivia's woman. NOVEL, a pert, railing coxcomb, and an admirer
The Widow BLACKACRE, a petulant, litigious wiof novelties, makes love to Olivia.
dow, always in law, and mother to Squire Jerry. Major OldFox, an old, impertinent fop, given to scribbling, makes love to the Widow Black- Lawyers, Knights of the Post, Bailiffs, and Al
dermen, a Bookseller's 'Prentice, a Foot-boy, Sailors, Waiters, and Attendants.
SCENE I.-Captain MANLY's Lodgings. for such as you, like common whores and pick
pockets, are only dangerous to those you embrace. Enter Captain MANLY surlily, and
L. Pluu. Such as I! Heavens defend mePLAUSIBLE following him, and two Sailors behind,
upon my honour
Man. Upon your title, my lord, if you'd have Man. Tell not me, my good Lord Plausible, of me believe you. your decorums, supercilious forms, and slavish L. Plau. Well, then, as I am a person of hoceremonies; your little tricks, which
spa nour, I never attempted to abuse or lessen any niels of the world, do daily over and over, for, and person in my life. to one another, not out of love or duty, but your Man. What, you were afraid ? servile fear.
L. Plau. No; but, seriously, I hate to do : L. Plau. Nay, i'faith, i’faith, you are too pas. rude thing: no, faith, I speak well of all mankind. sionate, and I must humbly beg your pardon, and Man. I thought so ; but know, that the speakleave to tell you, they are the arts and rules the ing well of all mankind is the worst kind of deprudent of the world walk by.
traction ; for it takes away the reputation of the Man. Let'em. But I'll have no leading-strings; few good men in the world, by making all alike: I can walk alone; I hate a harness, and will not now, I speak ill of most men, because they deserve tug on in a faction, kissing my leader behind, that it; I that can do a rude thing, rather than an unanother slave may do the like to me.
just thing. L. Plau. What, will you be singular then, like L. Plau. Well, tell not me, my dear friend, nobody? follow love, and esteem nobody? what people deserve; I ne'er mind that; I, like
Man. Rather than be general, like you ; follow an author in a dedication, never speak well of a every body, court and kiss every body; though, man for his sake, but my own; I will not dispaperhaps, at the same time, you hate
rage any man, to disparage myself; for to speak L. Plau. Why, seriously, with your pardon, ill of people behind their backs is not like a permy dear friend
son of honour; and, truly, to speak ill of 'em to Man. With your pardon, my no friend, I will their faces is not like a complaisant person : but not, as you do, whisper my hatred or my scorn, if I did say or do an ill thing to any, it should be call a man fool or knave, hy signs or mouths over sure to be behind their backs, out of pure good his shoulder, whilst you have him in your arms; manners.
Man. Very well; but I, that am an unmanner. hulls, to sell a king's ship, when a brave fellow ly sea fellow, if I ever speak well of people, (which has fought her almost to a long-boat. is very seldom indeed,) it should be sure to be be Ist Sail. On my conscience, then, Jack, that's hind their backs; and if I would say or do ill to the reason our bully tar sunk our ship; not only any, it should be to their faces: I would jostle that the Dutch might not have her, but that the a proud, strutting, over-looking coxcomb at the courtiers, who laugh at wooden legs, might not head of his sycophants, rather than put out my make her prize. tongue at him when he were past me; would 2d Suil. A pox of his sinking, Tom! We have frown in the arrogant, big, dull face of an over made a base, broken, short voyage of it, grown knave of business, rather than vent my ist Sail. Ay, your brisk dealers in honour alspleen against him when his back were turn’d; ways make quick returns with their ship to the would give fawning slaves the lie, whilst they em- dock, and their men to the hospitals : 'tis, let me brace or commend me; cowards, whilst they brag; see, just a month since we set out of the river, call a rascal by no other title, though his father and the wind was almost as cross to us as the had left him a duke; laugh at fools aloud, before Dutch. their mistresses; and must desire people to leave 2d Sail. Well, I forgive him sinking my own me, when their visits grow at last as troublesome poor trunk, if he would but have given me time as they were at first impertinent.
and leave to have saved black Kate of Wapping's L. Plau. I would not have my visits troublesome. small venture.
Man. The only way to be sure not to have 'em 1st Sail, Faith, I forgive him, since, as the troublesome, is to make 'em when people are not purser told me, he sunk the value of five or six at home; for your visits, like other good turns, thousand pound of his own, with which he was are most obliging when made or done to a man to settle himself somewhere in the Indies; for our in his absence. A pox! why should any one, be merry lieutenant was to succeed him in his comcause he has nothing to do, go and disturb ano mission for the ship back; for he was resolved ther man's business?
never to return again for England. L. Plau. I beg your pardon, my dear friend. 2d Sail. So it seemed, by his fighting. What! you have business ?
1st Sail. No, but he was a weary of this side Man. If you have any, I would not detain your of the world here, they say. lordship.
2d Sail. Ay, or else he would not have bid so L. Plau. Detain me, dear sir! I can never have fair for a passage into t'other. enough of your company.
1st Suil. Jack, thou think'st thyself in the Man. I'm afraid I should be tiresome: I know forecastle, thou’rt so waggish; but I tell you, then, not what
he had a mind to go live and bask himself on the L. Pluú. Well, dear sir, I see you would have sunny side of the globe. me gone.
2d Sail. What, out of any discontent ? for he's Man. But I see you won't.
(Aside. always as dogged as an old tarpaulin, when L. Plau. Your most faithful
hindered of a voyage by a young pantaloon capMan. God be wi' ye, my lord.
tain. L. Plau. Your most humble
1st Sail. 'Tis true; I never saw him pleased Man. Farewell.
but in the fight, and then he looked like one of L. Plau. And eternally
us coming from the pay-table, with a new lining Man. And eternally ceremony—then the devil to our hats under our arms, take thee eternally.
(Aside. 2d Suil. A pox ! he's like the Bay of Biscay,L Plau. You shall use no ceremony, by my life. rough and angry, let the wind blow where 'twill
. Man. I do not intend it.
1st Sail. Nay, there's no more dealing with L. Plau. Why do you stir then ?
him than with the land in a storm ; no nearMan. Only to see you out of doors, that I 2d Suil. 'Tis a hurry-durry blade. Dost thou may shut 'em against more welcomes.
remember, after we had tugged hard the old leaky L. Plau. Nay, faith, that shall not pass upon long-boat, to save his life, when I welcomed him your most faithful, humble servanta
a-shore, lie gave me a box on the ear, and called Man. Nor this any more upon me. (Aside. me fawning water-dog. L. Plau. Well, you are too strong for me. Man. I'd sooner be visited by the plague;
Enter MANLY and FREEMAN. for that only would keep a man from visits, and 1st Sail. Hold thy peace, Jack, and stand by ; his doors shut.
[ Aside. the foul weather's coming, [Exit, thrusting out my Lord PLAUSIBLE. Man. You rascal dogs, how could this tame
thing get through you? Manent Sailors.
Isl Sail, Faith, to tell your honour the truth, 1st Sail. Here's a finical fellow, Jack! What we were at Hob in the Hall, and whilst my broa brave fair-weather captain of a ship he would ther and I were quarrelling about a cast, he slunk make!
by us. 2d Sail. He a captain of a ship! it must be 2d Sail. He's a sneaking fellow, I warrant for't. when she's in the dock then; for he looks like Man. Have more care for the future, you one of those that get the king's coinmissions for slaves. Go, and, with drawn cutlasses, stand at the
stair-foot, and keep all that ask for me from co Free. But what ! will you see nobody? not ming up: suppose you are guarding the scuttle to your friends! the powder-room : let none enter here, at your
Man, Friends! I have but one, and he, I or their peril.
hear, is not in town; nay, can have but one 1st Sail. No; forthe danger would be the same; friend; for a true heart admits but of one you would blow them and us up, if we should. friendship, as of one love. But in having that
2d Suil. Must no one come to you, sir? friend, I have a thousand; for he has the courage Mun. No man, sir,
of men in despair, yet the diffidency and caution 1st Sail. No man, sir ? but a woman, then, of cowards; the secrecy of the revengeful, and an't like your honour
the constancy of martyrs; one fit to advise, to Man. No woman neither, you impertinent keep a secret, to fight and die for his friend. dog. Would you be pimping? A sea pimp is the Such I think him; for I have trusted him with strangest monster she has.
my mistress in my absence; and the trust of 2d Sail. Indeed, an't like your honour, 'twill beauty is, sure, the greatest we can shew. be hard for us to deny a wonian any thing, since Free. Well, but all your good thoughts are not we are so newly come on shore.
for him alone, I hope? Pray, what d've think of 1st Sail. We'll let no old woman come up, me for a friend? though it were our trusting landlady at Wapping. Man. Of thee! Why, thou art a latitudina
Man. Would you be witty, you brandy cask rian in friendship, that is, no friend; thou dost you? You become a jest as ill as you do a horse. side with all mankind, but wilt suffer for none. Be gone, you dogs; I hear a noise on the stairs. Thou art, indeed, like your Lord Plausible,—the
[Ereunt Sailors. pink of courtesy, therefore hast no friendship; Free. Faith, I am sorry you would let the fop for ceremony and great professing renders friendgo; I intended to have had some sport with him. ship as much suspected as it does religion.
Mun. Sport with him! A pox, then, why did Free. And no professing, no ceremony at all you not stay? you should have enjoyed your cox in friendship, were as unnatural and as indecent comb, and had him to yourself for me.
as in religion; and there is hardly such a thing Free. No, I should not have cared for him as an honest hypocrite, who professes himself to without you neither ; for the pleasure which fops be worse than he is, unless it be yourself; for, afford is like that of drinking, only good when though I could never get you to say you were my 'tis shared; and a fool, like a bottle, which would friend, I know you'll prove so. make
you inerry in company, will make you dull Mun. I must confess, I am so much your friend, alone. But how the devil could you turn a man I would not deceive you; therefore inust tell you, of his quality down stairs? You use a lord with (not only because my heart is taken up, but ac very little ceremony, it seems.
cording to your rules of friendship,) I cannot be Man. A lord! What, thou art one of those your friend. who esteem men only by the marks and value
Free. Why, pray? fortune has set upon 'em, and never consider in Man. Because he that is, you'll say, a true trinsic worth? but counterfeit honour will not be friend to a man, is a friend to all his friends: but current with me: I weigh the man, not his title: vou must pardon me: I cannot wish well to pimps, 'tis not the king's stamp can make the metal bet- Hatterers, detractors, and cowards, stiff-nodding ter, or heavier : your lord is a leaden shilling, knaves, and supple. pliant, kissing fools : now, ali which you may bend every way, and debases the thesc I have seen you use like the dearest friends stamp he bears, instead of being raised by't.-llore in the world. again, you slaves ?
Free. Ha, ha, ha! What, you observ'd
me, I warrant, in the galleries at Whitehall, doEnter Sailors.
ing the business of the place! Pshaw! court pro1st Sail. Only to receive farther instructions, sessions, like court promises, go for nothing, man! an't like your honour.-What if a man should but, faith, could you think I was a friend to all bring you money; should we turn him back? those I hugg'd, kiss'd, flatter'd, bow'd to? ha, ha!
dian. All men, I say.--Must I be pester'd with Man. You told 'em so, and swore it too; I you too? You dogs, away.
2d Sail. Nay, I know one man your honour Free. Ay, but when their backs were turn'd, would not have us hinder coming to you, I'm sure. did I not tell you they were rogues, villains, ras
Man. Who's that? speak quickly, slaves. cals, whom I despis’d and hated ?
2d Sail. Why, a man that should bring you a Man. Very fine! But what reason had I to be. challenge; for though you refuse money, lieve you spoke your heart to me, since you proyou love fighting too well to refuse that.
fess's deceiving so many? Man. Rogue, rascal, dog !
Free. Why, don't you know, good captain, (Kicks the Sailors out. that telling truth is a quality as prejudicial to a Free. Nay, let the poor rogues have their fore man that would thrive in the world, as square castle jests; they cannot help 'em in a fight, play to a cheat, or true love to a whore? Would scarce when a ship’s sinking.
you have a man speak truth to his ruin? You Man. Damn their untimely jests; a servant's are severer than the law, which requires no man jest is more sauciness than his counsel.
to swear against himself: You would have me