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6 115. Controversy feldom decently conducted. hope of contributing reciprocally to the

entertainment of the company. Merri'Tis no uncommon circumstance in controverly, for the parties to engage in all ment extorted by fallies of inagination, the fury of disputation, without precisely sprightliness of remark, or quickness of initructing their readers, or truly knowing reply, is too nften what the Latins call, the themselves, the par culars about which Sardinian laughter, a distortion of face they differ. Hence that fruitless parade without gladness of the heart.

For this reason no stile of conversation is of argument, and those opposite pretences to demonstration, with which most de- more extensively acceptable than the narbates, on every subject, have been infetted, rative. He who has ftored his memory Would the contending parties firit belure with flight anecdotes, private incidents, and of their own meaning, and then communi personal peculiarities, seldom fails to find

his audience favourable. Almost every cate their sense to others in plain terms

min liitens with eagerness to extemporary and fimplicity of heart, the face of controverly would soon be changed, and real history; for almcit every man has some knowledge, intiead of imaginary conqueit, real or imaginary connection with a cele

brated character, fome desire to advance would be the noble reward of literary toil. Browne's Edays. or oppose a riling name. Vanity often co


operates with curiosity. He that is a hearer 116. How to please in Conversation.

in one place, qualifies himself to become a

speaker in another; for though he cannot None of the desires diclated by vanity is comprehend a series of argument, or transa more general, or less blameable than that port the volatilc fpirit of wit without evaof being distinguished for the arts of con- poration, yet he thinks himself able to versation. Other accomplishments may be treasure up the various incidents of a story, poflefied without opportunity of exerting and pleases his hopes with the informathem, or wanted without danger that the tion which he shall gire to some inferior defect can often be remarked; but as no fociety. man can live otherwise than in an hermi- Narratives are for the most part heard tage without hourly pleasure or vexation, without envy, becaule they are not lupfroin the tondness or neglect of thote about posed to imply any intellectual qualities him, the faculty of giving pleasure is of above the common rate. To be acquaintcontinual use. Few are more frequently ed with facts not yet ecloed by plebeian envied than those who have the power of mouths, may happen to one man as well forcing attention wherever they come, as to another, and to relate them when whole entrance is considered as a promise they are known, has in appearance so very of felicity, and whose departure is lament.' little ditticulty, that every one corcludes ed, like the recess of the fun from northern himself equal to the task. Rambler. climates, as a privation of all that enlivens fancy and inspires gaiety. It is apparent that to excellence in this $117. The various Faults in Concversaiion

and Behaviour pointed out. valuable art, fome peculiar qualifications are necessary; for every man's experience I shall not attempt to lay down any parwill inform him, that the pleasure which tieular rules for conversation, but rather men are able to give in cinversation holds point out such faults in discourse and beno stated proportion to their knowledge or haviour, as render the company of half their virtue. Many find their way to the mankind rather tedious than amusing. It tables and the parties of those, who never is in vain, indeed, to look for converlation, conlider them as of the least importance in where we might expect to find it in the any other place; we have all, at ore time greatest perfcction, among perfons of or other, been content to love thole whom faihion : there it is almoit annihilated by we could noi citeem, and been persuaded to universal card-playing: infomuch that I try the dangerous experiment of admitiing have heard it given as a reason, why it is

mpanion whom we know to be impoífible for our present writers to suc. woign rani fir a counieilor, 2nd too trea- ceed in the dialogne of genteel comedy, cherous for a friend.

that our people of quality carce ever meet He that would please must rarely aim at but to game. All their discourse turns such excellence as depresies his hearers in upon the odd trick and the four honours : their own opinion, or debars them fro.n the and it is no leis a maxim wiih the votaries

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of whift than with those of Bacchus, that force of expreflion : they dwell on the imtalking spoils company.

portant particles of and ihe, and the figniEvery one endeavours to make himself ficant conjunctive and; which they seem as agreeable to society as he can; but it to hawk up, with much difficulty, out of often happens, that those wlio most aim at their own throats, and to cram then?, with fhining in conversation, over-shoot their no less pain, into the ears of their auditors. mark. Though a man succeeds, lie should These should be suffered only to fyringe not (as is frequently the całc) engross the (as it were) the ears of a deaf man, through whole talk to himself; for that destroys an hearing-trumpet: though I must conthe very elence of conversation, which is fess, that I am equally offended with the talking together. We should try to keep Whisperers or Low Speakers, who seem to up convertation like a ball bandied to and fancy all their acquaintance deaf, and come fro from one to the other, rather than scize up to close to you, that they may be said it all to ourselves, and drive it before us to measure nofes with you, and frequentlike a foot-ball. We should likewise be ly overcome you with the full exhalations cautious to adapt the matter of our dif- of a stinking breath. I would have these course to our company; and not talk: Greek oracular gentry obliged to talk at a dirbefore ladies, or of the last new surbelow tance through a speaking-trumpet, or apto a meeting of country justices.

ply their lips to the walls of a whispering But nothing throws a more ridiculous gallery. The Wits, who will not condeair over the whole conversation, than cer- icend to utter any thing but a bon mct, and tain peculiarities, easily acquired, but very the Whistlers or Tune-hummers, who nerer difficultly conquered and discarded. In articulate at all, may be joined very agreeorder to display these absurdities in a truer ably together in concert; and to those tinklight, it is my present purpose to enume- ling cymbals I would also add the foundrate such of them, as are most commonly ing brass, the Bawler, who enquires after to be met with; and first to take notice of your health with the bellowing of a torn. those buffoons in society, the Attitudina- crier. rians and Face-makers. These accompany The Tatiers, whose pliable pipes are every word with a peculiar grimace or admirably adapted to the “ soft parts of gesture: they afient with a shrug, and con. conversation,” and sweetly « prattling out tradict with a twisting of the neck: are of fashion,” make very pretty music from angry with a wry mouth, and pleased in a a beautiful face and a female tongue; but caper or a minuet-step. They may be con- from a rough manly voice and coarse feadidered as speaking harlequins; and their cures, mere nonsense is as harsh and difforules of eloquence are taken from the pot nant as a jig from a hurdy-gurdy. The Ture-master. These should be condemned Swearers I have spoken of in a former pato converse only in dumb-fhew with their per; but the Hall-swearers, who split, and own persons in the looking-glass; as well mince, and fritter their oaths into gad's as the Smirkers and Smilers, who fo pret- lud, ad's fjh, and deirme; the Gothic rily set off their faces, together with their humbuggers, and those who “nick-name words, by a je-ne-lçai-quoi between a grin God's creatures," and call a man a caband a dimple. With thiele we may like- bage, a crab, á queer cub, an odd fish, wise rank the affected cribe of Mimics, and an unaccountable mufkin, hould never who are constantly taking of the peculiar come into company without an interpreter. tone of voice or gesture of their acquaint. But I will not tire my reader's patience by ance: though they are sech wretched imi- pointing out all the pefts of conversation : tators, that (like bad painters) they are nor dwell particularly on the Sensibles, who frequently forced to write the name under pronounce dogmatically on the most trivial the picture, before they can discover any points, and speak in fentences; the Woolikeness,

derers, who are always wondering what Next to these, whose elocution is ab. o'clock it is, or wondering whether it will forled in action, and who converse chiefly rain or no, or wondering when the moon with their arms and legs, we may conlider changes, the Phraseologists, who explain the profefled Speakers. And 'first, the a thing by all that, or enter into particuemphatical; who lquecze, and press, and lars with this and that and rother; and san down cvery syllable with exceflive ve- lally, the Silent Men, who seem afraid of hemence and energy. Thcte orators are opening their mouths, lilt they fiould remarkable for their distire clocution and catch cold, and literally observe the pre







cept of the gospel, by letting their conver- dertake a long voyage to some strange retation be only yea yea, and nay nay.

gion, where the natives were as diferent The rational intercourse kept up by con. from the inhabitants of his own city as the versation, is one of our principal difiinc- most distant nations. He accordingly takes tions from brutes. We should therefore boat, and is landed at a village about a endeavour to turn this peculiar talent to league from the capital. When he is fut our advantage, and consider the organs of on thore, he is amazed to see the people speech as the inftruments of underftanding: freak the fame language, wear the same ke mould be very careful not to use them dress, and use the fame customs with himas the weapons of vice, or tools of folly, felf. He, who had spent all his life within and do our utmost to unlearn any trivial or the fight of Pont Neuf, looked upon every ridiculous habits, which tend to lessen the one that lived out of Paris as a foreignes; value of such an inestimable prerogative. and though the utmɔt extent of his travels It is, indeed, imagined by some philofo. was not three miles, he was as inuch furphers, that even birds and beasts (though prized, as he would have been to meet with without the power of articulation) perfečt- a colony of Frenchmen on the Terra Inly understand one another by the sounds cognita. they utter; and that dogs, cats, &c. have

in your late paper on the amusements of each a particular language to themselves, Sunday, you have set forth in what manlike different nations. Thus it may be ner our citizens pass that day, which moit supposed, that the nightingales of Italy of them devote to the courtry; but I wish have as fine an ear to their own native you had been more particular in your dewood-notes, as any fignor or fignora for icriptions of those elegant rural manfions, an Italian air ; that the boars of Westpha- which at once few the opulerce and the lia gruntle as exprelively through the nose taste of our principal merchants, mechanics, as the inhabitants in High-German ; and and artificers. that the frogs in the dykes of Holland I went last Sunday, in compliance with croak as intelligibly as the natives jabber a most pressing invitation from a friend, to their Low-Dutch. However this may be, spend the whoie day with him at one of we may consider those, whose tongues hard these little lents, which he had fitted 0:56 ly seem to be under the influence of reason, for his retirement once a week from busiand do not keep up the proper conversa- ness. It is pleasantly fituated about three tion of human creatures, as imitating the miles from London, on th' fide of a public language of different animals. Thus, for road, from which it is feparated by a dry intance, the affinity between chatterers ditch, over which is a little bridge, confittand monkeys, and práters and parrots, is too ing of tiro narrow plarks, leading to the obvious not to occur at once: Grunters and house. From the lower part of the house Growlers may be juftly compared to hogs: there is no prospect; but from the garrets, Snarlers are curs, that continually shew their indeed, ore may fee two men hanging in teeth, but never bite; and the spitfire paf- chains on Kennington-common, with a dilfionate are a sort of wild cats, that will not tant view of St. Paul's cupola enveloped bear stroking, but will pur when they are

in a cloud of smoke. I let out in the mornpleased. Complainers are screech-owls; ing with my friend's book keeper, who was and story-tellers, always repeating the same my guide. When I came to the house, I dull note, are cuckoos. Poets that prick found my friend in a black velvet cap fitup their ears at their own hideous braying, ting at the door smoaking; he welcomed are no better than afles : Critics in general me into the country; and after having are venomous ferpents, that delight in made me observe the turnpike on my left, hifting; and fome of them, who have got and the Golden Sheaf on my right, he conþy heart a few technical terms without ducted me into his house, where I was reknowing their meaning, are no other than ceived by his lady, who made a thousand magpies.


apologies for being catched in such a disha

bille. $118. A Citizen's Country House described. The hall (for so I was taught to call it) Sir,

had its white wall almost hid by a curious I remember to have seen a little French collection of prints and paintings. On one novel, giving an account of a citizen of fide was a large map of London, a plan Paris making an excurfion into the coun- and elevation of the Mansion House, with try. He imagines himself about to un- several lefser views of the public buildings






and halls : on the other, was the Death of ler, or a Roman pastry-cook? Or could the Stag, finely coloured by Mr. Overton: any of their hoe-makers or taylors boat close by the parlour-door there hung a pair a villa with his tin cascades, paper statues, of itag's horns ; over which there was laid and Gothic root-houses! Upon the above across a red roquelo, and an amber-headed principles we may expect, that posterity

Over the chimney-piece was my will perhaps fee a cheefemonger's apia. friend's picture, who was drawn bolt up- rium at Brentford, a poulterer's theriotroright in a full-bottomed perriwig, a laced phium at Chiswick, and an ornithon in a cravat with the fringed ends appearing fishmonger's garden at Putney, through a button-hole, a snuli-coloured

Connoisseur. velvet coat with gold button“, a red velvet waistcoat trimmed with gold, one hand

§ 119

Humorous Scene bettveen DENNIS stuck in the bosom of his shirt, and the

the Critic (Jatirically represented by SWIFT other holding out a letter with this super

as mad) and the Doctor. 'scription : "To Mr. —, common-council-man of Farringdon-ward without.”

Scene DENNIS'S Garret. My eyes were then directed to another figure in a scarlet gown, who I was inform- DENNIS, DOCTOR, NURSE, LINTOT ed vas my friend's wife's great great uncle, the Bookfeller, and another Author. and had been sheriff and knighted in the reign of king James the First. Madam her. DenNIS. Looking wife, and bringing cut felf filled up a pannel on the opposite side,

his words flozely and formally.] in the habit of a fhepherders, imelling to

Beware, Doctor, that it fare not with a noregay, and froking a ram with gilt you, as it did with your predeceffor, the fahorns. I was then invited by my friend to see tizens of Abdera fent for, in this very man

mous Hippocrates, whom the mistaken ciwhat he has pleased to call his garden, ner, to cure the philofopher Democritus

. which was nothing more than a yard about He returned full of admiration at the wilthirty feet in length, and contained about dom of the person whom he had supposed a dozen little pots ranged on each side with lilies and coxcombs, fupported by some old that Aristotle himself, and all the great an

a lunatic. Behold, Dollor, it was thus laths painted green, with bowls of tobacco- cients, spent their days and nights wrapped pipes on their tops. At the end of this garden he bade me take notice of a little their own writings. As for me, be assured,

up in criticism, and beset all round with iquare building surrounded with filleroy, I have no disease besides a swelling in my which he told me an alderman of great legs, of which I say nothing, înce your art taite had turned into a temple, by erecting

may farther certity you. some battlements and spires of painted wood on the front of it: but concluded this swelling?

Doelor. Pray, Sir, how did you with a hint, that I might retire to it upon Dennis. By criticism. occasion.

Docior. By criticism ! that's a distemAs the riches of a country are visible in


I have never heard nor read of. the number of its inhabitants, and the ele

Dennis. Death, Sir! a distemper! it gance of their dwellings, we may venture to say that the present state of England is fat fourteen hours a day at it, and are

is no distemper; but a noble art. I have very flourishing and prosperous; and if

you a doctor, and don't know that there's our taste for building encreases with our

a communication between the brain and opulence, for the next century, we fhall be

the legs? able to boast of finer country-seats belonging to our shopkeepers, artificers, and other hours, Sir?

Docior. What made you fit so many plebeians, than the mot pompous descrip

Dennis. Cato, Sir. tions of Italy or Greece have ever record

Doctor. Sir, I speak of your distemper. el. We read, it is true, of country feats

What gave you this tumour ! belonging to Pliny, Hortenfus, Lucullas,

Donnis. Cato, Cato, Cato *. and other Romans. They were patricians

Nurfe. For God's sake, Doctor, name of great rank and fortune: there can therefore be no doubt of the excellence of their

not this evil spirit; it is the whole cause of villas, But who has ever read of a Chinele.

• He published Remarks on Cato, in the yer bridge belonging to an Attic tallow-chand



17 12.

his no more.

his madness. Alas! poor mafter will have loft? O destruction! perdition ! cursed his fits again.

( Almoft crying. opera ! confounded opera* ! as poetry Lintot. Fits ! with a pox! a man may once raised critics, so, when poetry faili, well have fits and swelled legs, that fits critics are overturned, and the world is writing fourteen hours in a day. The Remarks, the Remarks, have brought all Doctor. He raves, he raves. He must his complaints upon him.

be pinioned, he must be strait-waistcoated, Dietor. The Remarks! what are they? that he may do no mischief.

Dennis. Death! have you never read Dennis, O I am fick! I am fick to my Remarks ! I'll be hang'd if this nig- death! gardly bookseller has advertised the book Dozor. That is a gocd fymptom, a as it thould have been.

very good fymptom. To be fick to death, Lintct. Not advertise it, quoth’a! pox! (says the modern theory) is Symptoma I have laid out pounds after pounds in ad. præclarum. When a patient is sensible of vertising. There has been as much done his pain he is half-cured. Pray, Sir, of for the book as could be done for any book what are you fick ? in Christendom.

Dennis.' Of every thing. Of every Doctor. We had better not talk of books, thing, I am sick of the sentiments, of the Sir, I am afraid they are the fuel that feed «iction, of the protasis, of the epitafis, and his dilirium. Mention books no more. the catastrophe.-Alas! for the lost drama ! I desire a word in private with this

the drama is no more! gentleman.-I suppole, Sir, you are his Nurse. If you want a dram, Sir, I will apothecary.

bring you a couple of penn'orths of gin in Gent. Sir, I am his friend.

a minute. Mr. Lintot has drank the last Dostor. I doubt it noi. What regimen of the noggin. have you observed since he has been under Dennis. O scandalous want! O shameyour care? You remember, I suppose, the ful omission! By all the immortals, here is passage in Celsus, which says, “ If the pa- not the shadow of a peripetia! no change a tient on the third day have an interval, of fortune in the tragedy !

fufpend the medicines at night." Let Nurse. Pray, Sir, don't be uneasy about fumigations be used to corroborate the change. Give me the fixpence, and I'll brain. I hope you have upon no account get you change immediately at the ginpromoted fternutation by hellebore. ihop next door. Gent. Sir, you mistake the matter

Docior. Hold your peace, good woman. quite.

His fit increases. We mult call for help. Do&or. What! an apothecary tell a

Mr. Lintot, a hold him, pray. (Doctor physician he mistakes ! you pretend to dif- gets behind Lintot.] pute my prescription! Pharmacopola com- Lintot. Plague on the man! I am afraid borant. Medicus folus præfcribat. Fumi. he is really mad. And if he be, who the gate him, I say, this very evening, while devil will buy the remarks ? I wish (Sratchhe is relieved by an interval.

ing his head] he had been besh-t, rather Dennis. Death, Sir, do you take my

than I had meddled with his Remarks. friend for an apothecary! a man of genius

Dofior. He must use the cold bath, and and learning for an apothecary! know, be cupped on the head. The symptoms Sir, that this gentieman profesies, like my feem desperate. Avicen says, “If learnfelf, the two noblest sciences in the universe, ing be mixed with a brain tbat is not of criticism and poetry. By the immortals, a contexture fit to receive it, the brain he himself is author of three whole para

“ ferments till it be totally exhaulted.” graphs in my Remarks, had a hand in my

We must endeavour to eradicate these inPublic Spirit, and affifted me in my descrip- digested ideas out of the pericranium, and tion of the furies and infernal regions in to restore the patient to a compent knowmy Appius.

ledge of himlelf. Lintor. He is an author. You mistake Dennis. Caitiffs, stand off! anhand me, the gentleman, Doctor. He has been an miscreants ! [The Doctor, the Nurse, and author these twenty years, to his booksel. Lintot, run out of the room in a hurry, and ler's knowledge, if to no one's else. tumble down the garret-stairs all together.)

Dennis. Is all the town in a combina. Is the man, whose labours are calculated tion? Ihall poetry fall to the ground? must

* He wrote a treatise to prove, that the decay our reputation in foreign countries be quite of public spirit proceeds from the Italian opera.


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