Think'st thou, I jest? Hold, take thou that, and that. [Beating him. Dro. S. Hold, sir, for God's sake! now your jest is earnest: Upon what bargain do you give it me? Ant. S. Because that I familiarly sometimes Do use you for my fool, and chat with you, Your sauciness will jest upon my love, And make a common of my serious hours. Dro. S. Sconce, call you it? so you would leave battering, I had rather have it a head: an you use these blows long, I must get a sconce for my head, and insconce it too; or else I shall seek my wit in my shoulders. But, I pray, sir, why am I beaten? Ant. S. Dost thou not know? Dro. S. Nothing, sir; but that I am beaten. Dro. S. Ay, sir, and wherefore; for, they say, every why hath a wherefore. Ant. S. Why, first,-for flouting me; and then, wherefore, for urging it the second time to me. Dro. S. Was there ever any man thus beaten out Dro. S. Lest it make you choleric; and purchase me another dry basting. Ant. S. Well, sir, learn to jest in good time: there's a time for all things. Dro. S. I durst have denied that, before you were so choleric. Ant. S. By what rule, sir? Dro. S. Marry, sir, by a rule as plain as the plain bald pate of father Time himself. Ant. S. Let's hear it. Dro. S. There's no time for a man to recover his hair that grows bald by nature. Ant. S. May he not do it by fine and recovery? Dro. S. Yes, to pay a fine for a periwig, and recover the lost hair of another man. Ant. S. Why is Time such a niggard of hair, being, as it is, so plentiful an excrement? Dro. S. Because it is a blessing that he bestows on beasts: and what he hath scanted men in hair, he hath given them in wit. Ant. S. Why, but there's many a man hath more Dro. S. No, sir: I think, the meat wants that I hair than wit. have. Ant. S. In good time, sir; what's that? Dro. S. Basting. Ant. S. Well, sir, then 'twill be dry. Dro. S. If it be, sir, I pray you eat none of it. Ant. S. Your reason? Dro. S. Not a man of those, but he hath the wit to lose his hair. Ant. S. Why, thou didst conclude hairy men plain dealers, without wit. Dro. S. The plainer dealer, the sooner lost: yet he loseth it in a kind of jollity. Ant. S. For what reason? Dro. S. For two; and sound ones too. Ant. S. Nay, not sound, I pray you. Dro. S. Sure ones then. Ant. S. Nay, not sure, in a thing falsing. Dro. S. Certain ones then. Ant. S. Name them. Dro. S. The one, to save the money that he spends in 'tiring; the other, that at dinner they should not drop in his porridge. Ant. S. You would all this time have proved, there is no time for all things. Dro. S. Marry, and did, sir; namely, e'en no time to recover hair lost by nature. Ant. S. But your reason was not substantial, why there is no time to recover. Dro. S. Thus I mend it: Time himself is bald, and therefore, to the world's end, will have bald followers. Ant. S. I knew, 'twould be a bald conclusion. But soft! who wafts us yonder? Enter ADRIANA, and LUCIANA. Adr. Ay, ay, Antipholus, look strange, and frown: Some other mistress hath thy sweet aspects, I am not Adriana, nor thy wife. The time was once, when thou unurg'd would'st That never words were music to thine ear, Unless I spake, or look'd, or touch'd, or carv'd to thee. How comes it now, my husband, O! how comes it, Am better than thy dear self's better part. Ah, do not tear away thyself from me; As take from me thyself, and not me too. I know thou can'st; and therefore, see, thou do it, I am possess'd with an adulterate blot; My blood is mingled with the crime of lust: Keep then fair league and truce with thy true bed; Ant. S. Plead you to me, fair dame? I know you not. In Ephesus I am but two hours old, As strange unto your town, as to your talk; Luc. Fie, brother: how the world is chang'd with you! When were you wont to use my sister thus? Dro. S. By me? Adr. By thee; and this thou didst return from him, That he did buffet thee, and, in his blows Denied my house for his, me for his wife. 15 Ant. S. Did you converse, sir, with this gentlewoman? What is the course and drift of your compact? Dro. S. I, sir? I never saw her till this time. Ant. S. Villain, thou liest; for even her very words Didst thou deliver to me on the mart. Dro. S. I never spake with her in all my life. names, Unless it be by inspiration? Adr. How ill agrees it with your gravity Who, all for want of pruning, with intrusion Infect thy sap, and live on thy confusion. If we obey them not, this will ensue, not? Dromio, thou Dromio, thou snail, thou slug, thou Dro. S. I am transformed, master, am I not? Ant. S. Thou hast thine own form. grass. 'Tis so, I am an ass; else it could never be, Ant. S. To me she speaks; she moves me for Say, he dines forth, and let no creature enter. her theme! What, was I married to her in my dream, Or sleep I now, and think I hear all this? I'll entertain the offer'd fallacy, Luc. Dromio, go bid the servant spread for dinner. Come, sister.-Dromio, play the porter well. Ant. S. Am I in earth, in heaven, or in hell? Dro. S. Master, shall I be porter at the gate? SCENE I.-The Same. ACT ||| 3mm Enter ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus, DROMIO of Ephesus, Ant. E. Good signior Angelo, you must excuse My wife is shrewish, when I keep not hours. Dro. E. Say what you will, sir; but I know what That you beat me at the mart, I have your hand to show: every churl Bal. Good meat, sir, is common; that affords. Ant. E. And welcome more common, for that's nothing but words. Bal. Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast. Ant. E. Ay, to a niggardly host, and more sparing guest: But though my cates be mean, take them in good part; Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart. But soft! my door is lock'd. Go bid them let us in. Dro. E. Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Gin'!. Dro. S. [Within.] Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch! Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch. Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'st for such store, When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door. Dro. E. What patch is made our porter?-My master stays in the street. Dro. S. Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on 's feet. Ant. E. Who talks within there? ho! open the door. Dro. S. Right, sir: I'll tell you when, an you'll tell me wherefore. Ant. E. Wherefore? for my dinner: I have not din'd to-day Dro. S. Nor to-day here you must not, come again when you may. Ant. E. What art thou that keep'st me out from the house I owe? Dro. S. The porter for this time, sir; and my name is Dromio. Dro. E. O villain! thou hast stolen both mine office and my name: The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle blame. If thou had'st been Dromio to-day in my place, Thou would'st have chang'd thy face for a name, or thy name for an ass. Luce. [Within.] What a coil is there Dromio: Faith no; he comes too late; 44 Luce. What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town? Adr. [Within.] Who is that at the door, that keeps all this noise? Dro. S. By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys. Ant. E. Are you there, wife? you might have come before. Adr. Your wife, sir knave? go, get you from the door. Dro. E. If you went in pain, master, this knave would go sore. Ang. Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome: we would fain have either. Bal. In debating which was best, we shall part with neither. Dro. E. They stand at the door, master: bid them welcome hither. Ant. E. There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in. Dro. E. You would say so, master, if your garments were thin. Your cake here is warm within; you stand here in the cold: It would make a man mad as a buck to be so bought and sold. Ant. E. Go, fetch me something: I'll break ope the gate. Dro. S. Break any breaking here, and I'll break your knave's pate. Dro. E. A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind; Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind. Dro. S. It seems, thou want'st breaking. Out upon thee, hind! Dro. E. Here's too much out upon thee! I pray thee, let me in. Dro. S. Ay, when fowls have no feathers, and fish have no fin. Ant. E. Well, I'll break in. Go, borrow me a crow. Dro. E. A crow without feather? master, mean you so? For a fish without a fin, there's a fowl without a feather. If a crow help us in, sirrah, we'll pluck a crow together. Ant. E. Go, get thee gone: fetch me an iron crow. Bal. Have patience, sir; O! let it not be so: 18 Herein you war against your reputation, Plead on her part some cause to you unknown; For ever housed, where it gets possession. Ant. E. You have prevail'd: I will depart in quiet, For there's the house. That chain will I bestow [Exeunt. |