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INSCRIPTION ON A SIGN-BOARD,
by a Watch-maker, at Oxford. Here are frabricated and renovated, trochiliac horologies, portable and permanent, linguaculous or taciturnal; whose circumgirations are performed by internal spiralelastic or extensive pendulous plumbages; diminutives, simple or compound, invested with au. rent or argent integuments.
AN ADVERTISEMENT. This is to give notice, to all lovers of cruelty and promoters of misery, that at the George-Inn, on Wed. nesday, in Whitsun week, will be provided for their diversion that savage sport of Cock-fighting, which cannot but give delight to every breast thoroughly divested of humanity; and, for the music, oaths and curses will not fail to resound round the pit: so that this pastime must be greatly approved of by such as have no reverence for the Deity nor benevolence for his creatures.
THE CONTENTED PORTER.
A porter, resting himself, with his load by him, groaned aloud, and “ wished he had five hundred
pounds." Why," says a gentleman who was passe ing by, " I will give you five hundred pounds :-and now what will you do with it ?" "Oh," said the porter, “ I will soon tell you what I will do with it. First, I will have a pint of ale, and a toast and nutmeg, every morning for my breakfast."
- Well, and what time will you get up ?” “Oh, I have been used to get up at five or six o'clock, so I will do that
“ Well, what will you do after breakfast ?" * Why, I will fetch a walk till dinner." " And what will you have for dinner pas “ Why, I will have a good dinner; I will have good roast and boiled beef, and some carrots and greens ;-—and I will have a full pot every day,—and then I will smoke a pipe.” “ Well, and then, perhaps you will take a nap."
" May be I may-no, I will not take a nap; I will fetch another walk till supper."
Well, and what will you have for supper ?" "I do not know - I will have more beef, if I am hungry; or else I will have a Welsh rabbit, and another full pot of beer." Well, and then ?" “Why then I will go to bed, to be sure Pray, how much may you now earn a week by your business pas " Why, master, I can make you eighteen shillings a week."'Will not you be tired now, do you think, after a little while, in doing nothing every day ?”
6 I do not know, master; I have been thinking so."-" Well then, let me propose a scheme to you." " With all my heart, master.”—- Cannot you do all this every day, as you are, and employ your time into the Fargain ?" "Why, really, so I can, master, I think; and so take your five hundred pounds again, and
A HUMOUROUS DECEPTION.
A countryman being in London, a friend of his there, undertook to conduct him to every place that was remarkable and deserved observation. One day he told him, that he would shew him Bedlam : it was accordingly agreed on; but, instead of that, he took him to the door of the House of Commons telling him, that was the entrance into Bedlam. It happened just then, that the house was breaking up; and the door being presently opened, the .country man, to his great astonishment, saw several of the members hastening towards it; upon that he imme. diately took to his heels, and ran as it were for his life; when being stopped by some persons, who won. dered at his running so fast :-Oh! (cried he) for the Lord's sake don't stop me ; yonder 's Bedlam open, and all the madmen are loose and coming out.
THE WITTY SHEPHERD.
A proud parson and his man, riding over a common, sa w a shepherd tending his flock, and having a new coat on, the parson asked him in a haaghy tone, who gave him that coat? The same, answered the shepherd, that clothed you, the parish. The parson, nettled at this, rode on, murmuring, a little way, and then bade his man go back, and ask the shrepherd if he would go live with him, for he wanted a fool. The man going accordingly to the shepherd, deliver. ed his master's message, and concluded as he was ordered, that his master wanted a fool. you going away then? said the shepherd. answered the other. Then you may tell your master, replied the shepherd, that his living cannot maintain three of us.
DOR OF BANTAM, IN THE REIGN OF
CHARLES THE SECOND.
“ The people, where I now am, have tongues far. ther from their hearts than from London to Bantam, and thou knowest the inhabitants of one of these places do not know what is done in the other. They call thee and thy subjects, barbarians, because we speak what we mean; and account themselves a civilized people, because they speak one thing and mean another: truth they call barbarity, and falsehood politeness. Upon my first landing, one who was sent from the king of this place to meet me, told me, That he was extremely sorry for the storm I had met with just before my arrival. I was troubled to hear him grieve und afflict himself upon my account; but in less than a quarter of an hour he smiled, and was as merry as if nothing had happened. Another who came with him told me by my interpreter, He should be glad to do me any service that lay in his power. Upon which I desired' him to carry one of my portmanteaus for me; but instead of serving me according to his promise, he laughed, and bid another do it. I lodged, the first week, at the house of one, who desired me to think myself at home, and to consider his house as my
Accordingly, I the next morning began to knock down one of the walls of it, in order to let in the fresh air, and had packed up some of the household goods, of which I intended to have made thee a present; but the false varlet no sooner saw me falling lo work, but he sent word to desire me to give over, for that he would have no such doings in his house. I had not long been in this nation, before I was told by one, for whom I had asked a certain favour from
" At mi
the chief of the king's servants, whom they here call the Lord Treasurer, that I had eternally obliged him. I was so surprised at his gratitude, that I could not forbear saying, what service is there which one mary can do for another, that can oblige him to all eternity However, I only asked him for my reward, that he would lend me his eldest daughter during my stay is this country; but I quickly found that he was as treach crous as the rest of his
countrymen. first going to court, one of the great men almost po me out of countenance, by asking ten thousand pare dons of me for only treading by accident on my toe They call this kind of lye, a compliment; for when they are civil to a great man, they tell him untruths for which thou wouldest order any of thy officers state to receive an hundred blows upon his foot. do not know how I shall negociate any thing with this people, since there is so little credit to be given to them. When I go to see the king's scribe, I am generally told that he is not at home, though perhaps I saw biz go into his house almost the very moment before. Thou wouldest fancy that the whole nation are phy. sicians, for the first question they always ask me, is, How I do? I have this question put to me above a hundred times a day. Nay, they are not only thes inquisitive after my health, but wish it in a more-solemn manner with a full glass in their hands, every time I sit with them at table, though at the same time they would persuade me to drink their liquors in such quantities as I have found by experience will make me sick. They often pretend to pray for thy health also in the same manner; but I have more reason to expect it from the goodness of the constitution, than the sincerity of their wishes. May thy slave escape in safety from this double-tongued race of men, and live to lay himself once more at thy feet in the royà city of Bantam."
Spectator; vol. 8. 10. 557