Well written, nice shift back and forth between the deposition POV and the flashback. An interesting story of a young man trying to accept coming to terms with not only that he is bi, but accepting the fact that he has been verbally & mentally abused by his aunt. How his best friend is the one who helps him comes to this realization while also letting him go. At first, I thought that Cam was a snarky jerk but as the story went on, I realized he was just trying to help Nate. Nate was different from other YA characters. To see his struggle with catholic guilt to accepting his true identity was refreshing. ( )

This is a really hard read in that it's visceral and real, with a lot of shocking moments and a twist at the end that I didn't see coming (though it's obvious in hindsight).
It's from the POV of a Catholic school boy (Nathan) who is befriended by a new student (Cam) that very literally changes his world - from his views of religion, sexuality, and life itself. It starts after the end with Nathan giving a deposition to a lawyer about his life since he met Cam in class until the event that landed Cam possibly going to prison. While Nathan gives off the façade (that he himself seems to believe) of a perfect Catholic boy, what's behind it is a lot of family issues, abuse, and confusion that takes the reader on one hell of a dramatic rollercoaster. You want to reach in and really help Nathan out while also shaking some sense into him, because his life is trash and he just takes it because that's "just how it is."
The only issues I had is that these are younger high school boys and some of the dialogue is definitely not within that age group's purview, even those well educated. Also, the ending isn't quite satisfying but then it's also more realistic, because there aren't happy endings in real life and that adds to the realism of the narrative. Overall, a really good read. ( )

Haven't read this book yet. Just locking this link down:

Official Deposing Nathan Soundtrack

A lot of stuff jammed into 400 pages, and not an easy read. The story is difficult and fairly convoluted. Nate is being deposed as to the circumstances causing his close friend Cam to stab him in the stomach with a ceramic shard. The story moves back and forth from the deposition to the events leading the stabbing. There's a lot of subjects covered: sexuality, religion, family relationships, and friendships. The characters are messy, unyielding, and it's hard to feel empathy with them. Nate is full of self loathing and religious dogma, Cam is a know-it-all and a bit self-righteous, Aunt Lori is a psycho on a power trip, and absentee parents. The toxicity of Nate and Cam's relationship was ugly, their experimentation with bisexuality felt authentic, and the ending was a bit of a surprise, including the identity of Nate's pen pal and confidante. ( )

Actual Rating: 4.5 Stars

I’m not crying - you’re crying! (Okay no, I’m totally crying.) Damn I had no idea what to expect with this book. It was next on my list so I picked it up without even reading the synopsis. And wow. I’m not sure how to talk about it without giving too much away. This book is heavy heavy heavy and heartbreaking and there’s a little hope too which I think should always be a requirement in YA and the quickest way for me to hate a book is to take away the hope. And I’ve got hope for these boys.

I need an epilogue though. And a hug. ( )

It only took about five pages for me to be hooked on this novel. The introduction of both characters instantly made me curious about them; and that increased steadily.

There's been a beating. There's been a stabbing. Nate and Cam have ended up across from each other in a deposition because of the violence that has erupted in their lives. Through the course of his deposition, Nate slowly unravels the events leading up to the violence.

Nate and Cam seem very different, but they connected quickly when they first met. Their friendship begins with a night of talking about everything: religion, families, relationships and science. They fall asleep lying on the trampoline staring up the stars and it seems like Nate feels free and unfettered for the first time in his life.

This isn't an ordinary book, it's not an ordinary tale. Nate is struggling with his "parents"… his father and his Aunt who swooped in when his Mom died. She's controlling, relentless and abusive and his father is absent at best. So, Nate's friendships are important, perhaps the only thing that keep him tethered.

But he's not struggling solely with his home life, he's struggling with his feelings for Cam. During an ill-fated New Year's Eve party, Nate and Cam share a sexual experience that short-circuits Nate's brain. He pushes Cam away because he's incapable of dealing with the emotion the encounter brings up. Nate has all the arguments for why it's wrong to feel anything for Cam…religion, he's straight, it's wrong, it's nothing.

Things begin to fall apart for Nate and then escalate, spiralling closer and closer to the final act of violence that will change everything between them forever. This story is a pretzel-twist of pleasure, exploration and fear of things that are too big to comprehend.

This is one of the most unique books I've read in a very long time. These characters are written so remarkably that I couldn't help feeling like I knew them… as though I'd been allowed a window to their minds.

The prose is sparing and yet beautiful. There are some lovely moments captured from the early days of friendship and the intensity of growing emotion. This story made me angry, and it made me cry and I would read it again in a heartbeat. There are twists, things that hurt because you just don't see them coming. And it's real… it's very real. This is young people being amazing and flawed and fucked up and perfect.

This book may not be for the faint of heart, but it should be read. This book should have the hell read out of it. I can't think of a better word to use but to continue to say how "real" this story is.

There aren't enough stars in the night sky to rate this book properly. ( )

This book was an incredibly tough read. Trigger warnings for internalized homophobia, homophobic violence, biphobia, infidelity, gaslighting, and child abuse. This book was emotionally brutal. Definitely take stock of your mental health before getting into it. This book was a gut punch, to be quite honest.

So much about Nathan's relationship to Catholicism hit so achingly close to home. There were moments at the beginning of the book that reminded me of the comfort I found in Catholicism as a teenager, but the majority of the book really reminded me why I cannot be Catholic any more. Why I can't be Christian at all anymore. I respect the hell out of the fact that Nathan and Cam both are able to find an equilibrium between their bisexual identities and their Catholic identities and are able to find some peace in their religion. But I cannot fucking do it. Nathan's absolute anguish over his "sin" and his fear of hell should never exist for anyone. Exploring your identity should not include an existential crisis over what hell is and how overwhelmingly awful it will be for all eternity. I simply can't square the practice of Catholicism as I experienced it and as other people like Nathan experience it with my view of human rights and human decency and this book kind of punched me in the face with that. I really was not expecting it and it made this a tough book to read for me, even as I appreciate what it was doing.

I also really really appreciated the ending. I am so happy that Cam was able to recognize that his relationship with Nathan was bad and that they couldn't keep it up without continuing to tear each other apart. I'm so glad that the abuse the two of them inflicted on each other was acknowledged and that the fact that they loved each other or could love each other wasn't a good enough reason to stay in touch or try to maintain any kind of relationship - platonic or romantic or anything else - once Nathan moved away. Quite often love is not enough. Admitting that and doing what's best for yourself is hard but so absolutely essential. I'm so happy Cam was able to do that and Nathan was able to recognize and accept it as well, even when he really didn't want to. ( )

It only took about five pages for me to be hooked on this novel. The introduction of both characters instantly made me curious about them; and that increased steadily.

There's been a beating. There's been a stabbing. Nate and Cam have ended up across from each other in a deposition because of the violence that has erupted in their lives. Through the course of his deposition, Nate slowly unravels the events leading up to the violence.

Nate and Cam seem very different, but they connected quickly when they first met. Their friendship begins with a night of talking about everything: religion, families, relationships and science. They fall asleep lying on the trampoline staring up the stars and it seems like Nate feels free and unfettered for the first time in his life.

This isn't an ordinary book, it's not an ordinary tale. Nate is struggling with his "parents"… his father and his Aunt who swooped in when his Mom died. She's controlling, relentless and abusive and his father is absent at best. So, Nate's friendships are important, perhaps the only thing that keep him tethered.

But he's not struggling solely with his home life, he's struggling with his feelings for Cam. During an ill-fated New Year's Eve party, Nate and Cam share a sexual experience that short-circuits Nate's brain. He pushes Cam away because he's incapable of dealing with the emotion the encounter brings up. Nate has all the arguments for why it's wrong to feel anything for Cam…religion, he's straight, it's wrong, it's nothing.

Things begin to fall apart for Nate and then escalate, spiralling closer and closer to the final act of violence that will change everything between them forever. This story is a pretzel-twist of pleasure, exploration and fear of things that are too big to comprehend.

This is one of the most unique books I've read in a very long time. These characters are written so remarkably that I couldn't help feeling like I knew them… as though I'd been allowed a window to their minds.

The prose is sparing and yet beautiful. There are some lovely moments captured from the early days of friendship and the intensity of growing emotion. This story made me angry, and it made me cry and I would read it again in a heartbeat. There are twists, things that hurt because you just don't see them coming. And it's real… it's very real. This is young people being amazing and flawed and fucked up and perfect.

This book may not be for the faint of heart, but it should be read. This book should have the hell read out of it. I can't think of a better word to use but to continue to say how "real" this story is.

There aren't enough stars in the night sky to rate this book properly. ( )

It only took about five pages for me to be hooked on this novel. The introduction of both characters instantly made me curious about them; and that increased steadily.

There's been a beating. There's been a stabbing. Nate and Cam have ended up across from each other in a deposition because of the violence that has erupted in their lives. Through the course of his deposition, Nate slowly unravels the events leading up to the violence.

Nate and Cam seem very different, but they connected quickly when they first met. Their friendship begins with a night of talking about everything: religion, families, relationships and science. They fall asleep lying on the trampoline staring up the stars and it seems like Nate feels free and unfettered for the first time in his life.

This isn't an ordinary book, it's not an ordinary tale. Nate is struggling with his "parents"… his father and his Aunt who swooped in when his Mom died. She's controlling, relentless and abusive and his father is absent at best. So, Nate's friendships are important, perhaps the only thing that keep him tethered.

But he's not struggling solely with his home life, he's struggling with his feelings for Cam. During an ill-fated New Year's Eve party, Nate and Cam share a sexual experience that short-circuits Nate's brain. He pushes Cam away because he's incapable of dealing with the emotion the encounter brings up. Nate has all the arguments for why it's wrong to feel anything for Cam…religion, he's straight, it's wrong, it's nothing.

Things begin to fall apart for Nate and then escalate, spiralling closer and closer to the final act of violence that will change everything between them forever. This story is a pretzel-twist of pleasure, exploration and fear of things that are too big to comprehend.

This is one of the most unique books I've read in a very long time. These characters are written so remarkably that I couldn't help feeling like I knew them… as though I'd been allowed a window to their minds.

The prose is sparing and yet beautiful. There are some lovely moments captured from the early days of friendship and the intensity of growing emotion. This story made me angry, and it made me cry and I would read it again in a heartbeat. There are twists, things that hurt because you just don't see them coming. And it's real… it's very real. This is young people being amazing and flawed and fucked up and perfect.

This book may not be for the faint of heart, but it should be read. This book should have the hell read out of it. I can't think of a better word to use but to continue to say how "real" this story is.

There aren't enough stars in the night sky to rate this book properly. ( )

I have only just read the last page of Deposing Nathan, and I am already writing this review. If you know anything about my reviewing style, you'll know that's a rare occurrence. However this book affected me so deeply, and I have so many things flying through my head, that I have to write them down. It's necessary. So if half of this review descends into a babbling, incoherent mess just know that's because those are my exact emotions at this point. This book was raw. It was beautiful. It was devastating. I'm an exhausted, emotional mess, and I'm not even upset about it.

The way that this book unabashedly explores so many moral quandaries that most YA generally tends to avoid, is what really hooked me in. From the beginning, this is a story that isn't afraid to talk about the big things. See, Nate was raised in a family that is very religious. His relationship with God is one in which he strongly believes that anything outside of what the church teaches will lead him on the wrong path. To his aunt and his father, Nate is a good boy. He attends church regularly, gets good grades, has the perfect girlfriend, and is pretty much your all around average teen. There isn't anything else he wants in his life. Until, that is, he meets Cam.

As I watched these two meet for the first time, and their relationship started to evolve, I was helpless to look away. Smedley hasn't just created flat characters in Nate and Cam. Oh, no. These two are probably the most introspective teens that I have ever met in my life. They know that they have flaws. They acknowledge them, and mull through them, and fight all the battles inside that we've all been through at some point right there on the page. Some of Nate's thoughts, especially once he suspects that he might have actual feelings for Cam, are brutal. When his aunt reacts to his new feelings with anger, and eventually descends into physical violence to keep them apart, you'd be hard pressed not to want to gather this boy into your arms and hug him until it stops hurting. I cried, friends. I bawled. I'm not going to lie to you. There is nothing on these pages to stand between Nate and Cam's emotions, and yours. Yet, I wouldn't have it any other way.

There are simply perfect moments in this book. Snapshots full of smiles and love. Snapshots of confusion and anger. It's like watching someone grow up right in front of you, with all the messiness that brings. Then, just when I thought that this book couldn't possibly impress me any further, the ending elegantly tackled the idea of toxic relationships in a way that made me start to sob all over again. We live in this book filled world of happy endings, and perfectly tied bows. Unfortunately, as we all well know, that's not normally how life works. The ending of this book was perfection, because it wraps things up in a way that feels realistic. The last few paragraphs of this book will get you, and you'll be thinking about them for hours afterwards. Trust me on this.

When I started this review, I was so concerned about being able to fairly portray to you how impressive and important this book is. I'm tearing up thinking about my journey, and how essential this book will be for so many people. Zack Smedley has written something special. This is a book about self acceptance, and self worth. It's a book about the relationship between strict religious upbringing and self discovery. It's a story about family, love, and growing up. This story is big, and brave, and brings such an important voice to the current YA space.

I'll leave you with a quote, because I don't know what else to say. Well, no actually, I'll end by saying that I recommend this book with every single last fiber of my being. Please, read this.

"If you think you have to earn enough points on someone's rubric for them to accept you, then either you're wrong to assume they won't love you for who you are, or they never loved you in the first place. ( )